Years ago Regine and I botervieernoon issues, and aftercases. Unfortunately terviereet polls. e ed to stand outside scment stores, and government offices and survey people about tax policy and tV guides. Neited to do t, and so our separate ways.
Are you hese days? I ask.
Im taking a course to be a death companion, says Regine.
Oo suppress a laugh.
Its a serious matter, says Regine.
Id like to ask teac dont dare.
Is it going ead.
Recently ted to send me out for t time to accompany a s me aer half an hour.
Nohers eyes.
S you o take her away, I say.
I didnt see it t way.
After all, someone ws everybody whos going on living, I say.
You talk, says Regine, as if youd already died once.
Of course I imes, you?
e laug knoands my last remark. S her hand and says goodbye.
Give me a call, sing.
I dont need a deat to call out after at t moment I ongue.
A little later it occurs to me t Regine and I actually died once toget I ervieions and long distance travel, tervie canned food and ready-made dinners. After t ely exed and lay dole of il our eyelids started to droop. togetrange t to me, studying orso. Surned quiet and sad, but it took me a co look at s. ts all Ive been doing time, is ly you paying enougtention, s are you getting at? I asked. Didnt you notice t my nipples arent doing o? Regine erludes t, y. No to to iced t didnt t meant anyt da Regine so far as to say s take t point fell silent and together as a couple.
Inside my apartment I open tcV. I catc blue-footed boobies in te-feat. t on ter is clean and rico move takeoff. ted boobies appeal to me; at t Id like to be one myself. I mind being called a booby on tV, eited booby Id finally o do e bodies make me ts little could also be t running into Regine is to blame for my sudden desire for a urn off tV. A button pops off my s and rolls a c until it flips over and stops moving. tment next door calling eac be more or less like t made Lisa sick. Id like to call Lisa and ask I like for Renate to pick up and for me to o talk move, listening to assed next door. Among ted loafers made of genuine kidskin. tastic. Its a little after 3 p.m. Presumably Margot doesnt omers noing a bo . I leave tment and o Margots. So see me again so soon. I follos t fits it rikes you as a mouter a s in called a stone? If Im not mistaken o call it a stone, but tarted calling it a pit more and more often. Or tone to pit, ive tely no need to do t? t in a tissue. I o turn left, but because I to see (stone), I act a little like Im just loafing and looking around. O oss t (stone) onto treet or into some garden. Sass left in iny purse, te. Im only a feeps as. I cant ement—a silent tc as salon, all tubes are lit. I see t steps supposed to o t, so notice me. In one fell ss clear I cant go see Margot nooo. I probably ever be able to again. I cant tell . Quietly and fruitlessly I rail against tiveness of life. One corner later it occurs to me t tiveness I radiction leads me to a momentary insigo tuff of my insanity. If you go crazy someday, I t youve finally been cut by tantly opening and closing s iste—ation! Unfortunately I get jealous, rigreet. At time I feel sorry for t days. For a ain. Under no circumstances is o see me. And I o talk let Im brooding over . t t doated for a bit. But rest and doesnt mull: ts, not s look as if o pocket and takes out a feract te kernels. Regrettably, I ask myself if Margot is a ution. But to tell trut to t problems at all. Ive already done t too often in my life, I feel too old for it noraction. Id like to at least and look up at tree and observe t among t t isnt readily available, so I o content myself reets. Under no circumstances may I let t to t ell . For time being I try to split myself into to a sober rambler ive dreamer to t. t succeeds, at least for a rong smell of t must be around ly after t a cockeyed dog comes up bet kno cockeyed animals even existed. trots up to me; I can no more look eful to raction eful to a sceacanding at a streetcar stop eaco take up so muc remark immediately predisposes me against teaco ion suc ime. Line up more economically, I mumble to myself, are tion of misery. teacreating t can be sto people refuse to consent to life from c in my consciousness starts to by bit. No is no more ty. I admit it see Margot again. I curse t doesnt , did you o me o teen years old about nurses, secretaries and come up , I ing it, at t time I nurses, secretaries, ry to foist to my split doppelg?nger, unfortunately success. to groan; no one else kno of all is to go straigo Margot and tell an indescribable simpleton I sig pass t of my life or not. Im so dazed and feeble t I run into a parked car knee. Im put off by ty? All t to complain or admonise occupations of ninety-five percent of y, and my conceit s noto do to give brief expression to my daily damnation and ts not tion; its ty I to get rid of. Just possible t Im longing for a at most a imes and Im jealous of a pograp Im mourning for a job t didnt keep me fed any on a single day? It seems to me I cant go y. I sit do t to be like t by not disappearing, t complain, dont speak, t need anytically invincible. I feel a yearning to take off my jacket and toss it in a o t of trengt is tive peculiarity of all life, time. t putting any strain on me. I look at ty tangle of t are eit t orn off by c persevere undiscouraged, and at tter t collects around ts but still doesnt diminisy starts to get tter of me, Ill come oss my jacket into to see t lying among tely clear image and still no one . Ill stroll past my jacket o marvel at remains as invincible as te t t it gro as my surviving doppelg?nger and so free myself from pain, at least for time being. I cant fully rule out ty t I mig t. s clear in any case is t if I ever really t into t reac point yet. I enjoy imagining a play-craziness designed to urbed. Noend craziness so a genuine one—just for a fes—and amplify my distance from reality. Naturally Id o be able to return to t any time, as soon as topped. Presumably t people can only be end craziness and genuine craziness ly observed t people are naturally predisposed to mental illness. Im surprised so fe t t me rigively crazy. A ill a baby; ting in do a t grab t really open , cant sime t do somet no t take in t see t ting gaze is searcrangely, my observation of ts me find my o reality. Only to er at a time. I close my jacket and he crazy family walks away, giggling.
My apartment is sitting t and clueless. I dont feel miserable celep pick up. I take off my jacket and cut a slice of bread. I very mucastes. I take off my glasses and rub my eyes. Just as Im about to put t of my o tone tile of t lens is c on my glasses and look at myself in ts instantly clear t I be getting any ne ttle co teleper all. Its Susanne.
I found a letter from you, s you e me eighteen years ago.
Eigonelessly.
Yes, seen years ago in August t Susanne…
But involved eighteen years ago, were we?
No, says Susanne, at least nothing happened.
So ter say? Is it embarrassing?
No, says Susanne, love is embarrassing for you, but not for me.
hing.
S to you?
No, I say, its enougo read it later.
Youll soon o do t, says Susanne, because I to invite you to a little dinner party Im having for a few friends and colleagues.
Do I knooo?
One or them, says Susanne, for example himmelsbach.
O old stuffed s.
You cant call , says Susanne, laugo oo. Sirement must be a dreadful job.
Susanne lists o o a kind of internal numbness. I e ters. I cant remember.
Do you prefer red wine or we? Asks Susanne.
Red, I say.
Susanne repeats time and date of times. I e t I dont to read tter I e een years ago. Noalking about en to making any noise. taste of tens ty of t t I h himmelsbach.