Sidd, y, and kne t one t t t for many years until no asted all of it, sucked everyt of it until ed . Dead of. Dead . Deeply, angled in Sansara, and deato er until it is full. And full , full of misery, full of deat in ttracted .
Passionately o kno o , to be dead. If tning-bolt to strike iger a devour fulness and sleep, and no a! as till any kind of filt soiled committed, a dreariness of t broug still at all possible to be alive? as it possible, to breato breat, to feel o eat again, to sleep again, to sleep exed and brougo a conclusion for him?
Sidd, time ago, oama, a ferryman ed opped, antly ood at tiredness and ever for so, to to se dream, to spit out tale o put an end to this miserable and shameful life.
A over t-tree; Sidd its trunk runk o ter, irely filled o let go and to droers. A friginess ed back at er, anso terrible emptiness in for to annie to smaso a of mockingly laug vomiting o bits of ted! Let ic, tten body, t o bits by the daemons!
itorted face, ared into ter, saion of at it. In deep tiredness, ook runk of tree and turned a bit, in order to let raigo finally drooh.
t of remote areas of of past times of irred up. It o ;Omquot;, quot; or quot;tionquot;. And in t ; touc spirit suddenly ions.
Sidd o seek deat to gro by anniing all agony of t times, all sobering realizations, all desperation broug, t on by t, wered his consciousness: he became aware of himself in his misery and in his error.
Om! o Bra tructibility of life, kne all t is divine, wten.
But t, flas of t-tree, Siddruck doiredness, mumbling Om, placed of tree and fell into a deep sleep.
Deep ime knoen years er quietly flo kno trees and t it took seemed to ely distant, infinitely far aely meaningless. moment it, t life seemed to ion, like an early pre-birt self)--t , full of disgust and cended to t t by a river, under a coconut-tree, o t tly, o seemed to ire long sleep a long meditative recitation of Om, a te entering into Om, into ted.
a , tric, t transformed, rangely ed, strangely awake, joyful and curious.
Siddraigting opposite to ting in tion of pondering. observed aken ed Buddoo, but still ures, expressed zeal, faitimidness. But recognise o find ly, ting ime and been ing for o know him.
quot;I ; said Sidd; ;
quot;You ; ans;It is not good to be sleeping in sucen are and t ed Gotama, toget is dangerous to sleep. t to ayed be seems, I ed to guard your sleep. Badly, I iredness no youre a me go to catc;
quot;I tc over my sleep,quot; spoke Sidd;Youre friendly, you folloed one. No;
quot;Im going, sir. May you, sir, always be in good ;
quot;I t;
Govinda made ture of a salutation and said: quot;Fare;
quot;Fare; said Siddha.
topped.
quot;Permit me to ask, sir, from w;
Now, Siddha smiled.
quot;I knoo t ook your refuge ed one in tavana.quot;
quot;Youre Sidd; Govinda exclaimed loudly. No compre recognise you rig, to see you again.quot;
quot;It also gives me joy, to see you again. Youve been t o, o;
quot;Im going no to anoto teaco us, accept alms, move on. It is al you, Siddo?quot;
Quot;itoo, friend, it is as it is travelling. Im on a pilgrimage.quot;
Govinda spoke: quot;Youre saying: youre on a pilgrimage, and I believe in you. But, forgive me, o look like a pilgrim. Youre inguisleman, and your a pilgrims t;
quot;Rig I said to you t I is: Im on a pilgrimage.quot;
quot;Youre on a pilgrimage,quot; said Govinda. quot;But few would go on a pilgrimage in suc suc;
quot;I believe you, my dear Govinda. But nooday, youve met a pilgrim just like t. Remember, my dear: Not eternal is t eternal, anyt eternal are our garments and tyle of our e rigful people, for I ;
quot;And no;
quot;I dont kno, I dont kno just like you. Im travelling. I omorro kno;
quot;Youve lost your ric;
quot;Ive lost to slip aations is turning quickly, Govinda. ernal t.quot;
Govinda looked at time, in er t, ation on his way.
itcill, t , in ter ment, seemed to able to love anybody or anything.
itcrengt eaten for times of t time. In ted of to Kamala, o do table feats: fasting--ing--trengtaff; in ts, noting, nor ing, nor t c fades most quickly, for sensual lust, for trange. And no seemed, now he had really become a childlike person.
Sidd about uation. t really feel like it, but he forced himself.
No easily perisanding as I anding tle cies, t, I Im no longer young, t my my strengtarting again at to smile. Yes, e range! tupid. But feed sad about t a great urge to laugo laug o laug trange, foolish world.
quot;t; o it, and as , o glance at t all. t tended to droimes, a his?
ondrous indeed ours it aken. As I boy, I o do o do icism, ation, man. But as a young man, I folloents, lived in t, suffered of and frost, learned to augo become dead. onderfully, soon after Buddeac t I also o leave Budd kno and learned t of love rading ed money, learned to love my stomaco please my senses. I o spend many years losing my spirit, to unlearn to forget t it just as if I urned sloour from a man into a co a c, t, t died. But o pass tupidity, t and disappointments and to become a co be able to start over. But it ;Yesquot; to it, my eyes smile to it. Ive o experience despair, Ive o sink doo t fooliss, to t of suicide, in order to be able to experience divine grace, to o be able to sleep properly and ao find Atman in me again. I o sin, to be able to live again. my pato? It is foolis moves in loops, per is going around in a circle. Let it go as it likes, I to to take it.
onderfully, joy rolling like waves in .
, it come from t long, good sleep, I I ely fled, t I am finally free again and am standing like a c to o iful is to breatments, of spices, of e te myself for staying in terrible ured myself, o like doing so muco t Sidd t praise, t to t red against myself, to t fooliser so many years of foolis singing and !
tened curiously to omac, in t times and days, completely tasted and spit out, devoured up to t of desperation and deat ed money, filled omac ; for muc, e most extreme moment, o destroy t, and t succumbed to it, t till alive after all, t joy, tly under urned gray.
quot;It is good,quot; , quot;to get a taste of everyto kno lust for t belong to t for a long time, but I , dont just kno in my memory, but in my eyes, in my , in my stomaco kno;
For a long time, ransformation, listened to t sang for joy. t felt its deatime o die. as it not t o intend to kill in years as a penitent? as t ened, and proud self, led ed er every killing, proed joy, felt fear? as it not today o its deat, by t not due to t rust, so fear, so full of joy?
Noent. too mucoo many oo many sacrificial rules, to mucigation, so mucriving for t goal! Full of arrogance, est, al, alep aual one, al or o being a priest, into to tuality, reated, t sat firmly and greing and penance. No t voice , t no teaco bring about ion. to go out into to lust and poo il t and Samana in o continue bearing t, teaclessness of a dreary and ed life up to to bitter despair, until Siddful, Siddually o die, mortal oday ha, and was full of joy.
ts, listened o omacened gratefully to a buzzing bee. Co ter so er trongly and beautifully. It seemed to o tell kno, ing ended to droired, desperate Siddoday. But t a deep love for ter, and decided for to leave it very soon.