Just as taminated tic and intellectual atmospudy and just as trangers and disturbers, yes, and as destroyers, into my carefully tended garden of music, so, too, from all sides tegrating influences upon my life t, till noreatise, and oo, springing up beside t of old ones; making clamorous demands and creating confusion; and noure y ies and pursuits in rong tention, and I ed a picture of myself as a person refined and educated specialist in poetry, music and p of me to be a centialities, instincts and impulses weppenwolf.
Meanion of ty by no means a pleasant and amusing adventure. On trary, it en exceedingly painful, often almost intolerable. Often truly fiendiso my ears in t of surroundings o so very different a key. And many a time, ylisaurant among pleasure seekers and elegant rakes, I felt t I raitor to all t I o sacred. me for one rafficking not see inually under s of rebellion and escape in my face, and smiled at them.
As truction of all t I y on, I began to understand, too, I e of all my despair. I began to perceive t t of my old conventional and lying existence. te ed er, student of Mozart and Goetap, upon genius and tragedy and y, t in a cell encumbered by bit to self-criticism and at every point ing. ted and interesting o be sure, preacy and ested against ty of t let ood against a able and noble, but still a compromise and no more. o tal and yet rial securities lying at terest from t a pang of conscience. And so it o be sure, rigged finely as an idealist and contemner of t and gro bottom, ook exception to a life like s taurant and tead of longing to be freed and completed, rary, most earnestly to get back to times ual trifling so to get back to time before t aking a lesson from t. O I clung to o t o ting ual, to al (to timid and ludicrous dilettante of trait al ceristics sucion of Goetual coo-noble gaze sion of elevated t and y, until overcome by last, ture stood badly in need of repairs! tably dismantled! ary tered breecudied no ed ead of ability and carrying on a o lost repute.
I antly finding myself in timate of o be revised if only because on me tty nonentity, a little beau, and somey at t, as o dribble into oy trumpet and e. Pablo, interested in my opinions. t to ened esy, smiling as ual reply. On te of t seemed t I erest. It
to please me and to sain irritation, and even ill less attempts at conversation roubled and sorroaking my left roking it, tle gold snuffbox. It ook a pinc immediate effect I became clearer in t told me t Pablo co er in tilling pain, for inducing sleep, for begetting beautiful dreams, lively spirits and the passion of love.
One day I met reet near turned at once to accompany me. time I succeeded at last in making alk.
quot;; I said to ick, quot;you are a friend of is erest in you. But I cant say you make it easy to get on imes I tempted to talk about music ed me to knos and opinions, ed mine or not, but you o make me even t reply.quot;
amiable smile and time a reply was accorded me.
quot;ell,quot; y, quot;you see, in my opinion t at all in talking about music. I never talk about music. reply, to make to your very able and just remarks? You ly rig, you see, I am a musician, not a professor, and I dont believe t, as regards music, t point in being rig depend on being rigaste and education and all t.quot;
quot;Indeed. t does it depend on?quot;
quot;On making music, ensity of , Monsieur. te t a soul ter for it. But gets into to ts t and t alone. Look at t t er a longisco laug is w;
quot;Very good, t only sensual music. tual also. Besides t is actually played at t, tal music t lives on even actually being played. It can o a man to lie alone in bed and to call to mind a melody from te or tt anybody bloo a flute or passing a bo;
quot;Certainly, by many a lonely dreamer. Even t typist in est one step in aps ime to it. You are rig grudge all te music, e or Valencia. But e music from? t it from us, t must first must into t and dream of it.quot;
quot;Granted,quot; I said coolly, quot;all t do to put Mozart and test fox trot on t is not one and ternal music or cuff of t is forgotten tomorro;
one t I ting excited, once put on amiable expression and toucness to his voice.
quot;Aly rigo say to your putting Mozart and levels you please. It is all one to me. It is not for me to decide about levels. I s t, perill be played in a , I t of every z and fox trot too. o do s according to our duties and our gifts. e o play ually in demand, and as ifully and as expressively as ever ;
it up. tting past the fellow.
At many moments te oddly mixed once. t one moment in bitter strife, at t in peace. Many a time to be dead and done o yrannizing and contradictory till ttle ne otimes took t and squeezed . truggle, many a t of the razor blade.
Often, public exion of dancing, I into my bedroom at nigo my indescribable astonis, dismay, ment found the lovely Maria lying in my bed.
Of all t violent. For I a moments doubt t it , as usually, been evening. I o a recital of old ciful, to my past life, to territory of my ideal self. Beneaty Gotted vaulting sly life in ts, I e voice of a Baces of ts external dignity and sanctity o life all ted encment and ent in ty cracted, a guest for an tears o my eyes. I ed for t. Dropping t I evenings I ists after sucs) and stealing a of treets, s jazz orcras unes of to live. O a dull maze of error I had made of my life!
For long during ts ion to music, and not for t time recognized tal relation as tiny of tire German spirit. In t triarcure rules in to an extent unknoellectuals, instead of fig tendency like men, and rendering obedience to t, t, are all dreaming of a speec utters to tead of playing as truly and ly as ellectual antly rebelled against t reason and courted music. And so t, carousing in music, in ions of sound, and ies of feeling and mood t y, ter part of its practical gifts to decay. None of us intellectuals is at y. e are strange to it and ile. t is ellect even in our oy, in our ory and politics and public opinion, able a one. ell, I en pondered all t an intense longing sometimes to turn to and do someto be seriously and responsibly active instead of occupying myself forever estics and intellectual and artistic pursuits. It alo destiny. tains of industry e rigo be made of us intellectuals. e of talented cterboxes for he razor.
So, full of ts and t rievably lost, I last; climbed my stairs; put on t in my sitting room; tried in vain to read; t of tment terness not only of myself, but of oo. S and kindest intentions and s be a ster all to let me perisead of drao trange, dazzling, dizzying world of ranger and wed away.
And so I out t and taken myself to my bedroom and sadly begun to undress; and tomed smell. t aroma of scent, and looking round I satle startled, h large blue eyes.
quot;Maria!quot; I said. And my first ts my landlady ice w.
quot;Ive come,quot; sly. quot;Are you angry ;
quot;No, no. I see t it?quot;
quot;O does make you angry. Ill go again.quot;
quot;No, lovely Maria, stay! Only, just tonig be jolly tonigomorroter again.quot;
I doook o speak lo lay so strangely and .
quot;You dont need to be jolly,quot; s;old me t you roubles. Any one can understand t. tell me, till? t;
I kissed s. A moment ago I of terness and reproac in my evening. ts . Sloill my kisses reac. me omniscient and bountiful.
During t by Marias side I did not sleep muc my sleep alked softly, a number of curious tales about rical ime, I o ts singular innocence and singular corruption. tly from poor too intelligent and too pretty to give to some ill-paid and joyless imes on casual imes on tue. No at a typeer; at times resses of o-do men of t money and presents; lived at times in furs and motorcars, at otimes in attics, and t under some circumstances induce to marry, t at all eager for it. Many of ttle inclination for love and gave t t price. Oted in love and unable to do it. tive friends -ed, intelligent and yet tless, tterflies lived a life at once c, not to be boug in good luck and fine clinging to it far less to folloo le, alain, t, t a difficult and sad end ore for them.
During t nig folloaugaugs of t sanding, neel lounges t for me, t and este, it sometrivial, forbidden, and degrading, ed. In t and knes a restaurant as one of us mig, and ture and emotion on test craze in dances or timental cloying song of a jazz singer as one of us on Nietzscalked to me about t imes, and sion and love as s t I asies of any ured person over artistic pleasures of t and most distinguisy. I o ent it migender looks tore large gaps in tics. to be sure a beauty, one and indivisible, small and select, t seemed to me, at top, to be above all dispute and doubt, but ics in our yout and for artists t today and dismay? t o us and agner, and, to many of us, even tion over t as pure and beautiful an artistic experience and exalted as far beyond doubt as ture of any academic big-ristan, or tasy of a conductor over t t?
Maria too appeared to love tiful Pablo extremely.
quot;ainly is a beauty,quot; said I. quot;I like oo. But tell me, Maria, iresome old fello play a saxop sing any Englis;
quot;Dont talk so ; s;It is quite natural. I like you too. You, too, you t endears you and marks you out. I . One oug to talk of t ted for. Listen, you like me. You tells me: You please eful to you for being pretty. t gives me great, great pleasure. And ts just te t pleases me, t little of me and conferred a favor.quot;
Again o find my arm still about iful, beautiful flower.
And tiful florange to say, continued to be nonet t inued to stand in front of o of Erica intervened—my distant, angry love, my poor friend. Sty t so blooming; and srained, and not so rictle arts of making love. Sood a moment before my eyes, clearly and painfully, loved and deeply o my destiny; t a ted distance.
And so in tender beauty of t many pictures of my life rose before me toucy. For moments toget stood still beternal stars and constellations. My cender transfiguration like a distant glimpse over mountains into tany of my friends as clear as trumpets; ted by me sea floer, o oo, appeared. I augrife and resignation. In spite of all tcomings of our life, my confidence in ouco t against me and deserted me must rayal to ed so deep and lifelong a wound.
tures—t—all came back. t of t of love, and I knecten, t ts ructible and abiding as tars, tten, could never be erased. tory of my life, tarry lig led to renunciation and not ter of all it o be proud of. It s c ttle o deat mig er and turned not on trifles, but on tars.
time tle of all t passed t nigtle of all enderness of love, a fes of clear a nig time since my doing radiance of my os of ts I o snatctered images and raise my life as eppeno ty of one picture, in order to enter myself into tion and be immortal. as not t for the progress of every human life?
In ter er in took a little room in a neiger wings.
true to ies, ress, appeared and I o learn ton. S release me from a single lesson, for it I o attend tume, but so tell me anyt it. to visit o know will forbidden me.
time, about ts o be t ure in t even t intellectual and, comparatively speaking, educated o t ratantly opposed it. I took my problems and my ts o t terly impossible to love a girl for more t reading inguisscion. Sous substitutes. ly from t and task s racting tmost deligicular figure, emperament; and in employing every faculty, every curve and line and every softest modeling of o find responsive perceptions in o conjure up in t. t sold me t t and t and carefully cultivated sensibility and ed by it. Certainly, too, it t roduced me to t and the very significance of summer and of roses.
It my fortune to be Marias only lover, nor even e one. I en sime for me, often only an midday, seldom a nigook no money from me. o t. Ss, tle purse of red lacquered leat be t. As a matter of fact, s me over t ers, about time I tle learned as in any language of t deal from Maria. Before all else I learned t t mere idle trifles invented by manufacturers and dealers for trary, a little or, ratative and beautiful, many sided, containing a multiplicity of to t in a magical ruments of love, from po to to cigarette case, from -buckle to ic material of love, of magic and deligtle cry.
I often inguis Pablo a some Maria assured me t t took a long time to er or riding master.
In t to knos about t, jazz musicians, actors and many of ties and by degrees (tire stranger to treated oo. It . At times soo, availed drugs and s for me also; and Pablo markedly on t to be of service to me. Once o me more ado: quot;You are so very un is bad. One s be like t. It makes me sorry. try a mild pipe of opium.quot; My opinion of telligent, c time, unfaten took some of my affair . Once ertained us in op floor of an el in to sit on ttle bottles, a mysterious and o a very good o celebrate a love orgy for tly. Suco me. Nevertole a glance at Maria to see ook it, and t once backed up my refusal I sa tion cost . Pablo ed by my refusal but not . quot;Pity,quot; ;oo morally minded. Noto be done. All t iful! But Ive got anot; tle opium to smoke, and sitting motionless ed to us . As I felt a little uner t ting breatook t came from Maria, but I kne came from him.
And one evening ill more. Coming to me in my room old me t y francs and ead of .
quot;Pablo,quot; I said, very muc;you dont knoer for a ed among us as t degradation. I ;
me y. quot;You dont to, ies for yourself. Dont sleep tonig. But give me t back. I need of it.quot;
quot; for?quot;
quot;For Agostino, ttle second violin, you knoer a sou, nor t.quot;
From curiosity and also partly to punis o Agostino. ook milk and medicine to tic, and a c ly and efficiently like a good sick nurse. till day Bar.
I often talked at lengtail about Maria her hands and shoulders and hips and her way of laughing and kissing and dancing.
quot;; asked o me a peculiar play of tongue in kissing. I asked o s me s earnest in ;t is for later. I am not your love yet.quot;
I asked ed s as could be knoo her lovers.
quot;O; s;er all. Do you ts from one anot say youve got iful girl. t;
quot;All ts from eacold me?quot;
quot;No, ts anotter. t understand. Maria is unate. But bet a notion of. Naturally I told about you, muc time. I o and you as I understand you. Ive learned somet you from old me all about you as far as s all. I kno toget;
It erious to knoed relations rose before me, neies in love and life; and I t of teppenreatise.