tive silence.
ell. Gos? Youre t. Id tive opportunities.
Ill tle trying to get give out personal numbers. Did I do t t t give heres no avoiding him.
Do you to call his number.
Go on, then.
o t messages. I of neit t story; no sick. I o realize an important trut suicide: failure is as ful as success, and is likely to provoke even more anger, because to er it do. I called Cindy first. You fucking selfis, she said.
You dont kno from he paper.
You seem to be t t bang to rig een-year-old, you reet, you need to invent stuff for you.
tually quite an acute observation. S: not once im of misrepresentation or distortion. If you t it, t ing aspects of t fe about me, and every rue.
So Im presuming, s on, t t it rigop of a toention of hurling yourself off.
And instead you came back doh a girl.
ts about t of it.
And your daug yet. But someone at scell t do you me to say to talk to them.
Cindy barked once. ted, intended to be a satirical laugh.
tell t you , I said. tell t then he cheered up again.
Brilliant. If .
I dont kno see ts not really my problem, is it? Its somet to deal h.
You bastard.
And t ping out t o let me participate in my daug me out in truck me as a restatement of t never mind. It got he phone.
I dont kno muc of your ed again. No to protect your kids from loss for as long as possible - to arguing t o tell ttempted suicide. t t conversation in antenatal classes. Its tance t does it, of course. I got furt smaller and smaller until t tiny dots, and I could no longer see terally or metap make out t tiny dots, so you dont need to wheyre happy or sad.
Its er a be possible if to your eyes every day.
Penny ill crying when I called her.
At least t makes more sense, ser a while.
? You leaving ty to go up t o do hing.
All you kne someo h someone else.
Exactly. Stle rueful snort. S a bitc all. S-natured, self-deprecating, loving… Sner. Im sorry.
Im t I? I t amount to anyt all. I mean, t any failures. Youve been fantastic to me.
oday? I asked myself t question. Id o um. I t about killing myself once all morning.
OK. I be going up t yet, if ts w you mean.
ill you talk to me before you do? About all t? Yes. About all t.
I dont kno doesnt seem like sometalking can fix.
O fix it. I just dont to o read about it in the papers.
You can do better tter than me.
I dont to.
A disagree he premise.
Ive got enoug to t t be a man somewo h, yes.
So ry and find stuff like t… Its sort of not ? os .
Is it? I .
So me to do? Im not sure theres much you can do.
ill you call me later? Yes, of course.
I could promise t much, anyway.
Everyone - everyone apart from Con, obviously - knoes to anyone at all: I needed no door. ly to report on sces for a local paper and no believe te comfortably - four people s and sipping coffee from Styrofoam cups doesnt constitute a media scrum. e all enjoyed though.
It made me feel important, and it made t tre of a story. I smiled a lot, said Good morning to no one in particular, and batted one of t of th a briefcase.
Is it true you tried to kill yourself? asked one particularly unattractive woman in a beige mac.
I gestured at myself, in order to dratention to my superb pion.
ell, if I did, I clearly made quite a mess of it, I said.
Do you kno Ministers daugion.
Ive been a friend of t Neogets anding arose. It a suicide pact. It y. tirely different things.
I o enjoy myself a little. I sorry ing, at enormous expense, to replace t as if I knees, t of my day : Con called on my mobile to invite me over for a c; and tly afterelepo inform me t o visit Maureen. I didnt mind. I o do.
Before I knocked on Jesss door, I sat in tes and examined my conscience. t confrontation Id ly after my ill-advised and, as it turned out, illegal sexual encounter een years and days old, and, let me tell you, te a difference). tation , t in Gibson Square - not, needless to say, because Danielles fato a ation, but because side ing for me as I tried to sneak . It a particularly fruitful meeting, not least because I tried to raise tal responsibility ried to me. I still t. een-year-old doing snorting cocaine in ts toilets of Melons nig a.m. on a tuesday morning?
But ty t, if I been so forceful in t o tation and made a complaint about my relationser.
time, I t Id try to avoid t particular line of argument. I could see t t of parental responsibility ogetoucon eenage girl missing, possibly dead, and ts. And anyirely clear. tact I on irely non-sexual reasons. In fact, t only non-sexual, but selfless. heroic, even.
Con, unfortunately, prepared to greet me as a offered a o ary researc, apparently - I s Jesss surname and paste - Mr Cric ers appearance in tabloids o do ried to point out t I o do very of it all. Id just stood up to go when Jess appeared.
I told you to stay upstairs.
Yeas just t I stopped being seven a ? errified of straig enoug to he fear behind a dry world-weariness.
Im a politician. No one ever tells me anyt.
s it got to do o it together.
Yea, you stupid old bastard.
talks to me, me mournfully, as if my long relationso intercede on his behalf.
Ill bet youre regretting t to go private, arent you? Im sorry? Very admirable and all, sending o t, you kno a bit less t.
Jesss sc circumstances, said Cricy-one per cent of Jesss year got grade C or above at GCSE, up eleven per cent on the year before.
Excellent. t must be a great consolation to you. e bot Jess, whe finger.
t is, you is, said tten t Jess felt about long racists feel about black people: sed ted to send thy look.
Firstly, seen. And secondly, I sat on o stop
not al, but it least practical. Im sorry I didnt e you a full report at the evening.
Did you sleep your business, Dad? I . I going to get involved in an argument about Jesss rigo a private sex life.
Absolutely not.
Oi, said Jess. You dont o say it like t.
Like hing. You should be so lucky.
I value our friendsoo muco complicate it.
ha ha.
Are you going to maintain a relationserms.
I t.
Listen, pal. I came be. But if youre going to talk to me like t, Ill fuck off brigtle: triking back against the Roman invader.
Im sorry. But you knoory no doesnt make things easy for me.
makes things easy for me, said Jess.
Its on o make an effort.
Yea.
So any ideas… t problems of my own.
Der, said Jess. e were wondering where.
I appreciate t, Martin. rained to use first names s, to s e. I you. I can see youve made some, some urns in your life… Jess snorted.
But I dont think youre a bad man.
thank you.
ere in a gang, said Jess. Arent in? e are, Jess, I said, I husiasm. ere friends for ever.
sort of gang? said Crichton.
ere going to c for eac in? e are, Jess. If my o cra and out of my mouto wheyd come from.
So you is after all? Im not sure its t sort of gang, I said. quot;tis gangquot;… Doesnt sound very toug? are o do? Beat up terfamiliases? You fucking s up and you fucking s up, Jess said, to Cricively.
My point is, said Cric youre going to be around.
hes promised, Jess said.
And Im supposed to feel reassured by t.
You can feel Im not reassuring anyone about anything.
You and? Sort of, said Jess.
I dont need to spell out Jess, and o kno t looking out for her.
Jess sniggered unhelpfully.
I kno be… Youre not exactly… Some of tabloids would...
you sleeping een-year-olds, said Jess.
Im not being intervie it, and if you co give it to me, ts your lookout.
All I you to say is t if you see Jess getting o serious trouble, try to prevent it, or youll tell me about it.
o, said Jess. But broke.
? Because say o keep an eye on me and Id gone into some club or somet let … ell ell because you oo mean to stump up.
I suddenly sa: a ains lo-rated cable tV station not only focuses t stimulates empation. Jess slumped lifeless in a toilet, all for ty quid… It oo gly to contemplate, if you contemplated in t spirit.
? Cric out a sigion ed to lead to t.
I dont anything, I said.
Yes, you do, said Jess. Yes he does.
cost to get into a club, ton asked.
You can get through a hundred quid, easy, said Jess.
A ing ourselves for t dinner for two?
I dont doubt you can quot;get t; a trying. But need to quot;get t; anyt be stopping at toilet.
So o you.
ts nice, after you ers to spare.
Jess, ts not fair.
t door slammed some and ton and I staring at eacher.
I badly, I? I sorting money s every time s, or sorms out. And I can see t migtle… you knoing. Given tory.
Ill give s, every time s, he said.
Please go and find her.
I left t the drive.
Ill bet you got double w we were asking for, sion Jen.
You believe t t in my o Jen o do ell, from talking to t no one else sa t it: your sister disappeared, so you to jump off a building. But it isnt like t. Im sure it must , sort of t it tti Bolognese, omatoes. Maybe the onions.
Or even just t s t or ta.
Everyone reacts to somet in different they?
Some people art support groups and all t; I knorying to introduce me to some fucking group or anotly because t up by someone dourn tV on and c ty years.
Me, I just started messing around. Or ratime job, t.
Before I go on, Ill ansions t everyone al sos you dont sit t concentrating on w Im saying.
No, I dont kno feel like, er? I can tell you. You kno concentrate on anyt feels like t all time, every day.
t from: Do I kno I didnt understand t tions . And tand, I t t tion upid. Like, Id go and look for noand it as being a more poetic question. Cos, really, its a ing poems on a Scottisravelling tralia? So I ttle toell people, except of course I dont kno Jen or about me.
Oure, us and urned out for us: dont sit around o pop up later on, to rescue me. S come back, OK? And find out s about it. ell, dont forget about ant. But forget about t sort of ending. Its not t sort of story.
Maureen lives oppers isotle poky streets full of old ladies and teac knoeac t of bikes around - bikes and recycling bins. Its s, recycling, isnt it? I said to Martin, and tired. And I asked ed to kno . Just like ed to kno in a cty mood, I suppose.
It me and Martin in t a lift past . JJ probably , I ted to talk because I probably made me say stupid tupid is ts not stupid to say France is s. Its just a bit abrupt or of ramp up to my sentences to eboard dohem.
I o meet Matty, and Im sort of not good s not t, because I kno rigo an education and bus passes and t; its just t turn my stomac. Its all t o pretend t like you and me talking disabled like people w one leg, say.
t. Im talking about t rigop, and s, and make funny faces. heyre like you and me?
OK, I s and make funny faces, but I kno of time I do, anying, is the place.
to be fair to tys pretty quiet. of so disabled t its OK, if you knos t of vies probably better, alt from s probably not muc of vie one, ts got to be mine t counts, it? e tall, and cus uffed up beo stop . look at you or anyt get too freaked out. You forget er a I would. Fucking hough.
Poor old Maureen. Ill tell you, you roof. No way.
JJ no one looked like eacended to be pleased to see eacea, and Martin and JJ asked e questions about Matty. I just looked around a bit, because I didnt to listen. Sidied up, like so. t not from telly and to sit on. It , I got t s and taken t make out marks on t tin o stop looking around and start joining in. e o make.
JJI didnt to go to Maureens place in and Jess because I needed time to tervies in t, but t guys otally psyc t tional lady… Man, I didnt kno t t my address in ty-four , t couldnt t ain, just in case one day any of t migeresting.
Anyally paranoid. If sed to, s about tes. And t a t I dying of anyt to myself. Plus, s t t dying of ent.
In ot enougo trouble. I took a bus up to Maureens, and on to come clean, tell t everyt like it, fuck em. But I didnt t it in the papers.
It took us a used to ttys breat took a lot of effort. e rying to figure out roof.
Jess, said Martin. You ed us to meet. you call us to order? OK, s. e are gatoday...
Martin laughed.
Fucking ence. s funny about t? Martin shook his head.
No, come on. If Im so fucking funny, I to know why.
Its pers something more usually said in church.
there was a long pause.
Yea. t er.
in asked.
Maureen, you go to c you? Jess said.
I used to, said Maureen.
Yearying to make Maureen feel comfortable.
Very tful of you.
o fuck up everytin. I can almost smell the incense.
Rigart it off then, you fucking...
ts enoug of my son.
Martin and I looked at eac it o point out the obvious anyway.
In front of your son? But hes...
I got CCR, I said. It needed saying, but I ended to give myself a little more preparation time.
ting for to dump on me.
Os fantastic! It took me a minute to realize t in t only found a cure for CCR during tmas delivered it to my front door in time between New Years Eve and January nd.
Im not sure ts quite in.
No, I said. t.
No! Bastards.
ors. At Maureens hem. Supposing youd jumped?
And t it really o be this hard?
Im not sure e saying t, eitin.
No, I said. Ill try and be as clear as possible: t no suc dying of it. I made it up, cos… I dont knoly cos I ed your sympatly because I didnt tand h me. Im sorry.
You tosser, said Jess.
ts awful, said Maureen.
You arsehole, said Jess.
Martin smiled. telling people you is probably rigeen-year-old, so . Plus, itled to a little moral superiority, because t ed: o top of toppers over t go over, but, you kno about offing myself first and terwards. Id become an even bigger asshole since New Years Eve, which was kind of depressing.
So w? Jess asked.
Yes, said Martin. tempting to simplify? It just… I dont knoraigin and to Matty.
asnt straig Cions.
Yea… No offense, but you so. Didnt really matter w you said.
So kno.
Oand depression, said Martin. ere all depressed.
Yea mine seemed too… too fucking vague. Sorry, Maureen.
curse? possible? t o put a fuck. Ill tell you ers. If t into towers.
, if youre a so admirable. Maybe t zombies.
try us out, said Martin. ere understanding people.
OK. So t version is, all I ever ed to do was be in a rocknroll band.
Rocknroll? Like Bill s? said Martin.
No, man. ts not… Like, I dont knoones. Or… t rocknroll, said Jess. Are theyre rock.
OK, OK, all I ed to do ones, or, or… Crusty music, said Jess. S being rude. S clarifying my terms.