¡¶SIDDHARTHA: An Indian Tale¡·


 THE SON OF THE BRAHMAN

    In ts, in t, in tree is anned  sions, to augalked. For a long time, Siddaking in tising debate ising  of reflection, tation. o speak tly, to speak it silently into o speak it silently out of ration of . o feel Atman in tructible, one he universe.

    Joy leapt in  for o learn, ty for kno , a prince among the Brahmans.

    Bliss leapt in   up, Siddrong, ing  respect.

    Love toucs of ters h his slim hips.

    But more t voice,  decency of s,   , fiery ts,   a vain, vacuous speaker; not a mean, deceitful priest; and also not a decent, stupid s  to become one of t one of tens of ted to folloo follow , his spear-carrier, his shadow.

    Sidd for them all.

    But  a source of joy for  in ree garden, sitting in templation, , ures of perfect decency, everyones love and joy, ill lacked all joy in . Dreams and restless ts came into er of tars of t, melting from to lessness of to eache old Brahmans.

    Siddarted to nurse discontent in arted to feel t t bring  nurse isfy arted to suspect t eac to  and best of t ting vessel  full, t  content, t calm, t  satisfied. tions  ter, t , t relieve t. tion of t--but  all? Did tune? And  t really Prajapati  not tman,  creations, created like me and you, subject to time, mortal? as it t rig meaningful and t occupation to make offerings to to be made, o be found, , s innermost part, in its indestructible part, , timate part? It  fles  nor consciousness, t ones taug? to reacman, t, not t teac taken care of everytion of t of ts of tely muc  valuable to kno kno one and only t important tant thing?

    Surely, many verses of ticularly in t and ultimate t;Your soul is t;, ten t ten t man in   part and man. Marvellous  ones ed ed by bees. No, not to be looked doremendous amount of enlig ions of s,  kno of all kno also to live it? o bring y man out of to tate of being ao to every step of to  and noble s lived bes bro even  also just a searcy man? Did , again and again, o drink from y man, from tes of to  Atman in  tine source spring from ? It o be found, tine source in ones o o be possessed! Everytour, ting lost.

    ts, t, this was his suffering.

    Often o ;truly, tyam--verily, er t; Often, it seemed near, t never  completely, never imate t. And among all t men, ructions  completely, t completely, ternal t.

    quot;Govinda,quot; Siddo ;Govinda, my dear, come ree, lets practise meditation.quot;

    t to tree, t doy paces aing o speak ted murmuring the verse:

    Om is target, t one sly .

    After time of tation  ime to perform tion.  ans in t, oant target, tip of ongue ruding a little beteet to breat emplation, t after the Brahman as an arrow.

    Once, Samanas ravelled toics on a pilgrimage, ty and bloody s naked, scorcrangers and enemies to trangers and lank jackals in t scent of quiet passion, of destructive service, of merciless self-denial.

    In ter templation, Siddo Govinda: quot;Early tomorro;

    Govinda turned pale,  from t glance, Govinda realized: No is beginning, noo sprout, and urned pale like a dry banana-skin.

    quot;O Sidd; ; you to do t?quot;

    Sidd  he submission.

    quot;O Govinda,quot; ly, quot;lets not e omorro daybreak I .quot;

    Siddered tting on a mat of bast, and stepped beanding til  t someone anding be;Is t you, Sidd you came to say.quot;

    Quot;ito tell you t it is my longing to leave your omorroo tics. My desire is to become a Samana. May my fat oppose t;

    t, and remained silent for so long t tars in tive positions, ere t and motionless stood t and motionless sat t, and tars traced t;Not proper it is for a Brao speak  indignation is in my . I o  for a second time from your mout;

    Sloood silently, his arms folded.

    quot; are you ing for?quot; asked ther.

    Quot;You kno;

    Indignant, t t,  to his bed and lay down.

    After an ood up, paced to and fro, and left tanding,  moving from . Pale s robe. ity in , turned to his bed.

    After anotood up again, paced to and fro,  of t tood Sidd moving from ,  reflecting from , t back to bed.

    And er an er t, by t of tars, in ter ly, o tanding in t  , filled   h sadness.

    And in ts last urned, stepped into tanding tall and like a stranger to him.

    quot;Sidd; ;ing for?quot;

    quot;You kno;

    quot;ill you aland t , until itll becomes morning, noon, and evening?quot;

    quot;I and and .

    quot;You ired, Sidd;

    quot;I ired.quot;

    quot;You will fall asleep, Sidd;

    quot;I  fall asleep.quot;

    quot;You will die, Sidd;

    quot;I ;

    quot;And ;

    quot;Sidd;

    quot;So ;

    quot;Sidd ell o do.quot;

    t ligo t Siddrembling softly in rembling, ant spot. t even no  him.

    touchas shoulder.

    quot;You ; ;go into t and be a Samana. , teaco be blissful. If youll find disappointment, turn and let us once again make offerings to togetell o. But for me it is time to go to to perform t ablution.quot;

    ook  outside. Siddo tried to o  to o do as her had said.

    As  on stiff legs in t ligill quiet town, a s , whe pilgrim--Govinda.

    quot;You ; said Siddha and smiled.

    quot;I ; said Govinda.

 WITH THE SAMANAS

    In t up ics, ted.

    Sidds to a poor Brareet. e only once a day, and never someted for fifteen days. ed for ty-eigurned to icy cempt, rading, princes ing, mourners rying to s determining t suitable day for seeding, lovers loving, mot  all lied, it all stank, it all stank of lies, it all pretended to be meaningful and joyful and beautiful, and it all  concealed putrefaction. tasted bitter. Life orture.

    A goal stood before Siddo become empty, empty of t, empty of y of joy and sorroo  to be a self any more, to find tranquility ied o be open to miracles in unselfiss, t , timate part of me o a of my being, .

    Silently, Siddo burning rays of tly above, glo, and stood til  any pain nor t any more. Silently, ood ter  stood til  feel til t, until t. Silently, ering ayed motionless, until no blood floil notung any more, until nothing burned any more.

    Sidd uprigo breato get along o stop breato calm t of , leaned to reduce ts of , until t none.

    Instructed by t if tised self-denial, practised meditation, according to a neo  and mountains,  bloated, stank, decayed, urned into a skeleton, turned to dust, urned, tered as dust, asted toxication of ted in ne like a er in ternity  suffering began.  of o tone, er, and aime to find urned round in t t, overcame t, felt ne.

    Sidd arily suffering and overcoming pain, , tiredness.  tation, to be void of all conceptions. to go, a times   to times, stayed in notayed in tone, turn able, inescapable , in t the cycle which had been forced upon him.

    By ook ts. to one anot to beg for food for teachers.

    quot;; Sidd;;

    Govinda ans;e inue learning. Youll be a great Samana, Sidden t;

    Quot;I cant  feel t it is not like t Ive learned, being among to tavern of t part of a to;

    Quot;Siddting me on. ation, ivity against c;

    And Siddly, as if alking to ; is meditation?  is leaving ones body?  is fasting?  is  is fleeing from t is a s escape of t is a s numbing of t tlessness of life. t numbing is  finds in ted coconut-milk. t feel  feel t numbing of t Siddaying in t is, o;

    Quot;You say so, o you kno Sidd and a Samana is no drunkard. Its true t a drinker numbs s true t s, but urn from to be unc become ,-- risen several steps.quot;

    And Sidd;I do not kno t I, Sidd numbing of tations and t I am just as far removed from ion, as a c;

    And once again, anotime,  togeto beg for some food in teaco speak and said: quot; no pat  closer to enlig? Mig closer to salvation? Or do ;

    Quot;e , Siddill muco learn. e are not going around in circles, ;

    Sidd; Samana, our venerable teac;

    Quot;Our oldest one mig sixty years of age.quot;

    And Sidd;y years and  reacurn seventy and eig as old and , and ate. But  reac and . O of all t t a single one, not a single one, s, to deceive ot t important t find.quot;

    quot;If you only,quot; spoke Govinda, quot; speak sucerrible  among so many learned men, among so many Braere and venerable Samanas, among so many wrying, so many ;

    But Siddained just as muc, a sligly mocking voice: quot;Soon, Govinda, your friend , o rong as ever. I aled for knoer year. Per  as  and just as profitable, if I  took me a long time and am not finis, o to be learned! t o as `learning. t one knoman, ture. And so Im starting to believe t to kno, t;

    At topped on t;If you, Sidd botalk! truly, you ir up fear in my . And just consider: ity of prayer, y of te,  , o  is  is precious, ;

    And Govinda mumbled a verse to himself, a verse from an Upanishad:

    , loses ation of Atman, unexpressable by words is .

    But Sidd.  about to  to their end.

    Yes, , standing t  o be  remains?  can stand test? And he shook his head.

    At one time, er being retold many times: A man ama by name, ted one, ted to eac possession,   a ic, but udents.

    ts fragrants rose up, o and in t, tama, talk, ion.

    It  in a country and neo ed ilence, and as sucalk about it, many , but many  on to seek t like t fragrant mytama, t enlig, urned into ted of o t ama igation.

    t. t of magic flos. After all, to bear--and beo spring forto call out, comforting, mild, full of noble promises. Every a longing, felt oranger he Sakyamuni.

    t, and also Sidd. talked about it, because t one of t like t to be an ascetic before and , but urned back to luxury and worldly pleasures, and ama.

    quot;O; Govinda spoke one day to ;today, I ed me into eac ac to myself: If only I oo, if only oo, Siddo see teaced man! Speak, friend,   to go too and listen to teac;

    Quot;Alay o live to be sixty and seventy years of age and to keep on practising ts and exercises, le of . So no to take a neeac;

    Quot;Youre mocking me. Mock me if you like, Sidd  also developed a desire, an eagerness, to eac at one time said to me, you  ;

    At toucouc;ell, Govinda, youve spoken ly. If you only remembered t I rustful and tired against teac my fait to us by teac lets do it, my dear, I am o listen to teac I believe t asted t fruit of teac;

    Quot;Your  tell me, amas teac fruit to us?quot;

    Quot;Let us eat t and  for t, o t, ama, consisted in ter to give us, o us a s.quot;

    On t one of t ed to leave  one esy and modesty becoming to a younger one and a student. But ted to leave alked loudly and used crude swearwords.

    Govinda artled and became embarrassed. But Sidd o Govindas ear and  to s Ive learned somet;

    Positioning  of trated soul, ured te, took aly, e, ionless,  poo Sidd Sidds brougrol, o carry out, ures of blessing, spoke stammeringly a godly urned t on tations.

    On t;O is  is very o cast a spell on an old Samana. truly, if you ayed to er.quot;

    quot;I do not seek to er,quot; said Sidd;Let old Samanas be content s!quot;

 GOTAMA

    In toed Buddo fill tamas disciples, tly begging ones. Near toamas favourite place to stay, tavana,  worsed one, .

    All tales and ansics amas abode, ed to Savat opped to beg, food o ted the food:

    quot;e o kno and o see ed one, and to eac;

    Quot;ruly come to t place, you Samanas from t. You savana, in ted one d t, for to eac;

    t;ell so, tination, and our pato an end! But tell us, o;

    Quot;Many times I ed one. On many days, I ing  t;

    Deligened and ed to ask and  Siddo  and o ask for directions, for ratamas community o tavana. And since t at nigant arrivals, ss, and talk of t ser and got it. tomed to life in t, found quickly and  making any noise a place to stay and rested til the morning.

    At sunrise, tonis  rees t emplation--or in a conversation about spiritual matters, ty, full of people, bustling like bees. ty of t out o collect food in toened one,  of taking to beg in the morning.

    Siddantly recognised ed  to ly.

    quot;Look ; Siddly to Govinda. quot;t;

    Attentively, Govinda looked at to be in no  from they followed him and observed him.

    t on ly and deep in s,  seemed to smile quietly and in, calm, some as all of o a precise rule. But ly lo searc imitate, breatly in an unouchable peace.

    tama ooo collect alms, and tion, no effort to be seen, only light and peace.

    quot;today, well eac; said Govinda.

    Sidd anstle curiosity for teac believe t teac  as Govinda ents of teacs only represented second- or tion. But attentively  Gotamas , ly dangling  seemed to  of every finger of teac of, glistened of trutruto ture of  finger. ted a person so muchis one.

    til tourned in silence, for tended to abstain from on tama returning-- even isfied a birds appetite, and tiring into trees.

    But in t cooled doarted to bustle about and gateac ed,  calmness, ama taugeaco relieve suffering. Calmly and clearly  speec salvation from suffering ion ained by , yet firm voice ted one spoke, taugrines, taugfold patiently  teacitions, brigly eners, like a ligarry sky.

    epped foro accepted into ty, sougeacama accepted t;You eac o you o put an end to all suffering.quot;

    Beepped for;I also take my refuge in ted one and eac; and o accepted into ty of ed.

    Riger, Govinda turned to Sidd;Sidd is not my place to scold you. e ed one, be eaceacaken refuge in it. But you, my  you also  to ion? ould you  to ate, do you  to  any longer?quot;

    Siddome, o Govindas face. tly, in a voice  mockery: quot;Govinda, my friend, noep, no Govinda for once also take a step by  me, out of urned into a man and are c you  up to its end, o you sion!quot;

    Govinda, not completely understanding it yet, repeated ion in an impatient tone: quot;Speak up, I beg you, my dear! tell me, since it could not be any ot you also, my learned friend, ake your refuge ed Budd;

    Sidd;You failed to ing it: I o its end, t you sion!quot;

    In t, Govinda realized t  arted to weep.

    quot;Sidd; ingly.

    Siddo ;Dont forget, Govinda, t you are nos, renounced your birt teac ted one s. t you ed for yourself. tomorrow, o;

    For a long time, tinued ime, tell   to seek refuge in Gotamas teac fault eac Siddurned ime and said: quot;Be content, Govinda! Very good are teaced one,  in t;

    Very early in t monks,  to aken teaco dress to instruct t teacies of tion. t he novices.

    But Sidd in t.

    to meet Gotama, ted one, and o talk to ly ted one nodded his approval.

    Quot;Yesterday, oed one, I o eacogeto eaco stay aken  I art on my pilgrimage.quot;

    quot;As you please,quot; tely.

    quot;too bold is my speec; Siddinued, quot;but I do not  to leave ted one  ly told s. Does it please to listen to me for one moment longer?quot;

    Silently, the Buddha nodded his approval.

    Quot;One t venerable one, I eac of all. Everyteacly clear, is proven; you are presenting t cernal cs. Never before, ted so irrefutably; truly, t of every Brao beat stronger eacly connected,  gaps, clear as a crystal, not depending on c depending on gods.  may be good or bad,

    essential--but ty of t everyted, t t and time, by to being and of dying, t sly out of your exalted teaced one. But according to your very oeacy and necessary sequence of all ty is invaded by somet been t be demonstrated and cannot be proven: teacion. But ire eternal and uniform la again and becomes void. Please forgive me for expressing tion.quot;

    Quietly, Gotama ened to ed one, e and clear voice: quot;Youve eac youve t about it t, an error. You s t be  o opinions, tiful or ugly, smart or foolis t teac to explain to t goal; tion from suffering. t Gotama teac;

    quot;I  be angry ; said t;I  spoken to you like to argue o argue about ruly rigtle to opinions. But let me say t doubted in you for a single moment. I  doubted for a single moment t you are Budd you  goal to o you in ts, tation, tions, tenment. It  come to you by means of teac, oed one,--nobody ain salvation by means of teac be able to convey and say to anybody, oeac o you in tenment! teacened Buddain muc teaco live rigo avoid evil. But teac contain: t contain tery of ed one  I  and realized, ravels--not to seek otter teac to depart from all teaceaco reaco die. But often, Ill ted one, and of t;

    tly looked to tly, in perfect equanimity able face was smiling.

    quot;I ;t your ts s be in error, t you s tell me: itude of my Samanas, my many brotaken refuge in teacranger, o it ter for teaco return into t;

    quot;Far is suc from my mind,quot; exclaimed Sidd;I ay eac t is not my place to judge anot decide, I must c refuse. Salvation from t  migo me t only seemingly, only deceptively my self  t in trut eacy to folloy of t;

    itama looked into trangers eyes and bid o leave iceable gesture.

    quot;You are he venerable one spoke.

    quot;You knoalk oo muc;

    turned away, and chas memory.

    I  and ; truly, I o glance and smile, sit and oo, terious. truly, only a person  of o reac part of my self.

    I sa  to lo before any oteacice me any more, since teac enticed me.

    I am deprived by t Siddo me. amas s ha, myself.

 AWAKENING

    ted one, stayed beayed be t in t life also stayed beed from  tion, er  o tion, doo to identify t seemed to ions turn into realizations and are not lost, but become entities and start to emit like rays of lig is inside of them.

    Sloo a man.  one t  by its old skin, t one ted in  o be a part of o eaco listen to teac t teac and  teac  o part  able to accept eachings.

    Slo  you  to learn from teaceac taugill unable to teac; And ;It  to learn. It ed to free myself from, o overcome. But I  able to overcome it, could only deceive it, could only flee from it, only . truly, no t my ts tery of me being alive, of me being one and being separated and isolated from all ot t me, about Sidd;

    opped as ts caug a sprang fort,  I kno myself, t Siddo me, stems from one cause, a single cause: I o dissect my self and peel off all of its layers, to find ts unknoerior, tman, life, t, timate part. But I  myself in t;

    Siddo oes. And it  long before   to do.

    quot;O; , taking a deep breat;no let Sidd to begin my ts and my life man and   to kill and dissect myself any longer, to find a secret beeacics, nor any kind of teac to learn from myself,  to be my student,  to get to kno of Sidd;

    time. Beautiful range and mysterious  and tains  iful, all of it erious and magical, and in its midst ered Sidd time tless and coincidental diversity of mere appearances, despicable to ty,  ill t very divinitys o be , and ial properties  somewhing.

    quot;upid ; , ly along. quot;ext, s to discover its meaning,  scorn tters and call tions, coincidence, and  udy and love tter by letter. But I, o read ticipated before I read, scorned tters, I called tion, called my eyes and my tongue coincidental and  substance. No, t been born before t;

    In ts, Siddopped once again, suddenly, as if t of h.

    Because suddenly,  art art again at t in tavana, t exalted one, already aoion, regarded as natural and took for granted, t er years as an ascetic, urn to  no, ion: quot;But I am no longer tic any more, I am not a priest any more, I am no Braever s  my fatudy? Make offerings? Practise meditation? But all t;

    Motionless, Siddanding time of one moment and breat felt cold,  a cold in , as a small animal, a bird or a rabbit,  it. Still, even in t meditation, e, a cleric. Noo t did not belong to t be regarded as Braic  forlorn  in t  just one and alone, o, o a caste, in h whom would he share his life? hose language would he speak?

    Out of t, ar in t of t of a cold and despair, Siddrated. : t tremor of t struggle of t  long until rides, started to proceed sly and impatiently, o her, no longer back.

 KAMALA

    Dedicated to il, my cousin in Japan

    Siddep of ransformed, and  s and setting over tant beacs palm-trees. At nigars in tions and t of ting like a boat in trees, stars, animals, clouds, rainboening deant  mountains imes all of to Sidding, deceptive veil before rust, destined to be penetrated and destroyed by t, since it  tial existence, since t noayed on t to be at  searcrue essence, did not aim at a iful  it t searciful ars, beautiful ream and t and t and tle, tterfly. Beautiful and lovely it o o  distrust. Differently t tly t cooled ly tream and tern, tasted. S  ts, every ly areasures, full of joy. Sidd, ing ing for its dinner; propelling t, in fear,  of ter; t of strengt of ty eddies of ter, uously ing.

    All of ted, and  seen it;  been . No. Ligars and moon ran t.

    On tavana, teacion ed one. Again o ted one, every onis  t t really kno at time.  o Gotama: reasure and secret  teac t teacenment--it  to experience, rue t ime t man, in its essence bearing ternal ceristics as Bra never, ed to capture it in t of t. itely not being t tacle of t also  t, not tional mind, not t ty to drao develop previous ts in to ne ill on ts and learned knotened on ts as ty timate meaning ened to, boto be played o be scorned nor overestimated, from bot voices of t truto be attentively perceived. ed to strive for not for o strive for, d  t time, in t doree,   ,  under tree, and igation, offerings, ablutions, nor prayer, neito obey like t to an external command, only to to be ready like thing else was necessary.

    In t raanding in front of ic. Sad o  and kissed   Govinda any more, but a  popped out of t rongly tasted t. It tasted of , of animal and flo, of every joyful desire. It intoxicated , and in t, a dark call of an oly.

    , to get  , ter s of the morning.

    quot;tiful river,quot; o his companion.

    quot;Yes,quot; said t;a very beautiful river, I love it more ten I ened to it, often I o its eyes, and always I . Muc;

    quot;I tor,quot; spoke Sidd;I  I could give you for your ality, my dear, and also no payment for your  a ;

    quot;I did see it,quot; spoke t;and I  expected any payment from you and no gift s to bear. You  anotime.quot;

    quot;Do you t; asked Siddha amusedly.

    quot;Surely. too, I oo, Samana,  your friendse me, ;

    Smiling, ted. Smiling, Sidd t;;  ;all I meet on my pat to receive to be friends, like to obey, ttle. Like c;

    At about noon,  of ttages, c in treet, led, but timidly fled from tream, and by tream, a young o  is tom among travellers, and asked ill o go to reacy. t up and came to ifully  mouter en already, and rue t t alone in t at nig alloo alking, s  foot on  one and made a movement as a o initiate t kind of sexual pleasure extbooks call quot;climbing a treequot;. Sidd ing up, and since in t o tly doo t. Looking up,  and racted pupils, begging h desire.

    Sidd desire and felt ty moving; but since oucated for a moment,  t. Politely, ted urned a steps into the bamboo-wood.

    On ty before t to be among people. For a long time, s, and tra t nig roof for a long time he has had over his head.

    Before ty, in a beautifully fenced grove, traveller came across a small group of servants, bots. In t, carried by four servants in an ornamental sedan-c a ress, on red pillo trance to tcs, ts, sa. Under black o to face, a brigended and painted in a  and call neck rising from a green and golden garment, resting fair s over ts.

    Siddiful s rejoiced. raig t in t eyes  fragrant,  knoiful  and disappeared into t as well.

    tering ty, Sidd, antly felt drao t  about it, and only norance, rustful, ing.

    I am still a Samana, , I am still an ascetic and beggar. I must not remain like t be able to enter this. And he laughed.

    t person old t tesan, and t, aside from ty.

    tered ty. Now he had a goal.

    Pursuing y to suck ed treets, stood still on ted on tairs of stone by tant,  stories of Viss by t t, and early in t customers came into ant s  it  to take he river.

    e in ternoon, beautiful Kamala approacanding at trance, made a boesans greeting. But t servant rain ioned to o inform ress t a young Brao talk to er a urned, asked ing, to folloo a pavilion, w h her.

    quot;erent you already standing out terday, greeting me?quot; asked Kamala.

    quot;Its true t Ive already seen and greeted you yesterday.quot;

    quot;But didnt you yesterday wear a beard, and long  in your ;

    quot;You  o become a Samana, and  pato ty, and t one I met, even before I ered ty, o say to you, o urned to t to turn my eyes to tiful ;

    Kamala smiled and played ;And only to tell me to me?quot;

    quot;to tell you to tiful. And if it doesnt displease you, Kamala, I o ask you to be my friend and teac of t art  degree.quot;

    At this, Kamala laughed aloud.

    quot;Never before to me, my friend, t a Samana from t came to me and ed to learn from me! Never before to me, t a Samana came to me orn loin-cloto me, and t tiful cloto me.quot;

    Quot;Already I am starting to learn from you. Even yesterday, I le  rifles, and  I reac goal, erday: to be your friend and to learn t Ill learn quickly, Kamala, I  youre supposed to teacs get to it: You arent satisfied   clot s money?quot;

    Laug;No, my dear,  satisfy me yet. Clot  ty clotty ss of money in s for Kamala. Do you kno no? Did you mark my ;

    quot;Yes, I ; Sidd; mark able matc tell me, beautiful Kamala, arent you at all afraid of t, ;

    quot;ever for supid Samana from t,  ;

    quot;Orong, t afraid of anytiful girl.  you.quot;

    quot;No, Samana, I am not afraid of t come and grab eal ion, and ? No, for tever o give and to  is, precisely like t is also iful and red is Kamalas mout just try to kiss it against Kamalas  obtain a single drop of sness from it,  tained by begging, buying, receiving it as a gift, finding it in treet, but it cannot be stolen. In t y, if a pretty young man like you  to tackle it in suc;

    Sidd;It y, Kamala, you are so rig y. No, I s lose a single drop of sness from your mout is settled: Siddurn, once  ill lacks: clot speak, lovely Kamala, couldnt you still give me one small advice?quot;

    quot;An advice? ?  like to give an advice to a poor, ignorant Samana, ;

    quot;Dear Kamala, to, t Ill find t quickly?quot;

    quot;Friend, many o kno do urn. to obtain money.  migo do?quot;

    quot;I can t. I can fast.quot;

    quot;Not;

    quot;Not yes, I can also e poetry. ould you like to give me a kiss for a poem?quot;

    quot;I o, if Ill like your poem.  s title?quot;

    Sidder  about it for a moment, these verses:

    Into epped tty Kamala, At trance stood tuss blossom, Bo man, and smiling Kamala t to pretty Kamala.

    Kamala loudly clapped  ts clanged.

    quot;Beautiful are your verses, oruly, Im losing not;

    Silted  ouc moutime, Kamala kissed onis Sidd augrolled ed er t one to be a long, a ested sequence of kisses, everyone different from till to receive. Breatanding onis tself before his eyes.

    quot;Very beautiful are your verses,quot; exclaimed Kamala, quot;if I   for you to earn t of money, if you  to be Kamalas friend.quot;

    quot;to kiss, Kamala!quot; stammered Siddha.

    quot;Yes, to do, t lack clots, and all beautiful t  you able to do anyt ting, making poetry?quot;

    quot;I also kno; said Sidd;but I do not  to sing t I do not  to speak tures--quot;

    quot;Stop,quot; Kamala interrupted ;Youre able to read? And e?quot;

    quot;Certainly, I can do t;

    quot;Most people cant. I also cant do it. It is very good t youre able to read and e, very good. You ill find use for t;

    In t, a maid came running in and wo resss ear.

    quot;tor for me,quot; exclaimed Kamala. quot; yourself a;

    But to to give te upper garments. it fully understanding o a garden- pats as a gift, led into tly admoniso get  of t being seen.

    Contently, old. Being accustomed to t, o get out of t making a sound. Contently, urned to ty, carrying ts under  travellers stay, ioned  words  a word ed a piece of rice-cake. Peromorrow, , I will ask no one for food any more.

    Suddenly, pride flared up in  o o beg. o a dog and remained  food.

    quot;Simple is t; t Sidd;It presents no difficulties. Everyt, toilsome, and ultimately ill a Samana. No lessons in kissing, ;

    y long before, turned up the following day.

    quot;t ; s to ;ting you at Kamasy. If  you into , broe to be too modest! I do not  you to become , you s be satisfied arting to get old and lazy. If rust you .quot;

    Sidd t  eaten anyterday and today, s for bread and fruits and treated o it.

    quot;Youve been lucky,quot; sed, quot;Im opening one door after anot;

    Sidd;Yesterday, I told you I kneo , and to fast, but you t t it is useful for many t tupid Samanas are learning and able to do many pretty t, erday, I ill a serday I  and  upon.quot;

    quot;ell yes,quot; sted. quot;But  ;

    quot;Dear Kamala,quot; said Siddraigo , quot;o your grove, I did t step. It ion to learn love from t beautiful  moment on  I  out. I kne you  glance at trance of t.quot;

    quot;But ;

    quot;You er, it est course to ttom of ter. t is  er,  doing anyt stirring; s tracts  let anyter  oppose t Sidd fools call magic and of ed by means of ted by daemons, to to , if o fast.quot;

    Kamala listened to he look from his eyes.

    quot;Per is so,quot; sly, quot;as you say, friend. But per is also like t Sidd  tune is coming towards ;

    it;I  seac my glance s alune so me out of your direction!quot;

    IthE ChILDLIKE PEOPLE

    Sidd to Kamas, ed into a rics led s into a ced ter of the house.

    Kamasered, a sly, smootelligent, cautious eyes, ely, t and t greeted one another.

    quot;I old,quot; t began, quot;t you  you seek to be in t. Migitute, Bra you seek to serve?quot;

    quot;No,quot; said Sidd;I  become destitute and itute. You s Im coming from time.quot;

    quot;If youre coming from t destitute? Arent tirely  possessions?quot;

    quot;I am  possessions,quot; said Sidd;if t you mean. Surely, I am  possessions. But I am so voluntarily, and t destitute.quot;

    quot;But o live of, being  possessions?quot;

    quot;I  t of t, sir. For more t possessions, and  about of w I s;

    quot;So youve lived of t;

    quot;Presumable t is. After all, a merc also lives of ;

    quot;ell said. But  take anyturn.quot;

    quot;So it seems to be indeed. Everyone takes, everyone gives, suc;

    quot;But if you dont mind me asking: being  possessions, o give?quot;

    quot;Everyone gives  gives merceaceac;

    quot;Yes indeed. And  no to give?  is it t youve learned, o do?quot;

    quot;I can t. I can fast.quot;

    quot;ts everyt;

    quot;I believe, ts everyt;

    quot;And ? For example, ting--  good for?quot;

    quot;It is very good, sir. o eat, fasting is test t learned to fast, o accept any kind of service before t may be o do so. But like t calmly, ience, ime o besiege  it. t fasting is good for.quot;

    quot;Youre rig for a moment.quot;

    Kamas turned o  ;

    Sidd tract ten doo read out its contents.

    quot;Excellent,quot; said Kamas;And e somet;

    e and returned the paper.

    Kamas;riting is good, tter. Being smart is good, being patient is better.quot;

    quot;It is excellent o e,quot; t praised ;Many a till o discuss oday, Im asking you to be my guest and to live in t;

    Sidded, and lived in t to  prepared a batiful meal  Sidde once a day, and ate neit nor did old  rade, sorage-rooms, sions. Sidd to kno and spoke little. And t to t, forced o treat ed en  Sidd ried o learn precisely, but tents of ouc.

    in Kamas in  daily, at ted by ed beautiful Kamala, ty clot s as ender, supple ill a boy and endency to plunge blindly and insatiably into lust like into a bottomless pit, augarting  t sc  be be taken  giving pleasure, and t every gesture, every caress, every touc of t ,  it and unleas. Saug lovers must not part from one anoter celebrating love,  one admiring t being just as defeated as torious, so t art feeling fed up or bored and get t evil feeling of  iful and smart artist, became udent,  life, nit he business of Kamaswami.

    t passed to duties of ing important letters and contracts on to  into t of discussing all important affairs  Siddtle about rice and  t ed in a fortunate manner, and t Sidd, in calmness and equanimity, and in t of listening and deeply understanding previously unkno;t; o a friend, quot;is no proper merc and s our business. But  mysterious quality of to  business-affairs, t of  by a loss.quot;

    t: quot;Give s for you a ts, but let  of t;

    Kamas Siddtle about t, ed it y;  turned out badly!quot;

    It seemed indeed, as if  care about t one time, ravelled to a village to buy a large  of rice t o anot. Nevertayed for several days in t village, treated to tion of a urned extremely satisfied from rip. Kamasurned back rig ed time and money. Sidd;Stop scolding, dear friend! Not me bear t loss. I am very satisfied rip. I ten to kno;

    quot;ts all very nice,quot; exclaimed Kamasly, quot;but in fact, you are a merc after all, one ougo t you ravelled for your amusement?quot;

    quot;Surely,quot; Sidd;surely I ravelled for my amusement. For en to kno, I ravelled back, being annoyed and in a  my purcime and money  like tiness. And if Ill ever return to buy an upcoming , or for  mig s t time. So, leave it as it is, my friend, and dont  until ts be satisfied ;

    Futile s attempts, to convince Sidd  e e otened to Kamasor seemed to be unable to pay, Kamas it o utter a feo o sleep badly.   ;ould you please not kid me  Ive learned from you is  of fiss and erests may be cise. I  learned to t to be to learn from me.quot;

    Indeed  rade. to provide  earned erest and curiosity s, s of fooliso be as alien and distant to alking to all of till a ted ing factor ime. oiling, sao o entirely untle pleasures, for being sliging eac pain at wions w feel.

    o everyt  old ory of y and reat t any different t -vendor  o reproacened curiously and ried to understand ed t tle bit rigurned a person o c o dra out of o appeal to o get ied, s,  t , and tire game and ts just as muco occupy them.

    At times , deep in , a dying, quiet voice, ed quietly; . And trange life s of t times, real life still passing  toucc in t,  o do  several times  of sucs and y to participate in all of tions of time , really to live, really to act, really to enjoy and to live instead of just standing by as a spectator. But again and again, o beautiful Kamala, learned t of love, practised t of lust, in ed ood ter to understand o him.

    Once, o ;You are like me, you are different from most people. You are Kamala, noto ;

    quot;Not all people are smart,quot; said Kamala.

    quot;No,quot; said Sidd;ts not t as smart as I, and still , o t people, Kamala, are like a falling leaf, umbles to t otars, ted one, Ill never be able to forget  is t Gotama, ted one, eacening to eacructions every  t in teac;

    Kamala looked at ;Again, youre talking about ; s;again, youre s.quot;

    Siddy or forty different games Kamala kneer; o make love, , many secrets. For a long time, siced ed erful skills, until ed and rested exed by her side.

    tesan bent over ook a long look at  ired.

    quot;You are t lover,quot; sfully, quot;I ever saronger t ime, o bear your c, my dear, youve remained a Samana, and yet you do not love me, you love nobody. Isnt it so?quot;

    quot;It mig; Siddiredly. quot;I am like you. You also do not love--ise love as a craft? Per love. ts t.quot;

 SANSARA

    For a long time, Sidd, t being a part of it.  years as a Samana, asted ricasted lust, asted poill remained in  for a long time a Samana; Kamala, being smart, e rig ill t of ting, of fasting, o o them.

    Years passed by; surrounded by t te a y by to  to  Kamala.

    t  state of being aime at t of er Gotamas sermon, after tion from Govinda, t tense expectation, t proud state of standing alone  teac teac supple o listen to t, ing; distant and quiet, to be near, ama, ime aftere living, joy of tation, secret knoernal entity, ill  one part after anot. Just as a potters ion, urning for a long time and only slos vigour and come to a stop, t on turning ticism, tiation for a long time, still turning, but it turned sloly and o coming to a standstill. Sloering tem of a tree, filling it slo rot, tered Sidd filled   tired, put it to sleep. On they had experienced.

    Siddo trade, to use o enjoy o iful cloto give orders to servants, to baters. o eat tenderly and carefully prepared food, even fis and poultry, spices and ss, and to drink o co  in a sedan-co sleep on a soft bed. But still  different from and superior to tcantly feels for t insulted,  sloibly, as t seasons and rainy seasons passed by, ired, y . Just sloo t ance to attaco t of passion in t s antly in love. time in love   learn t of all t of all t ones, , in ter  before, ayed in bed for a long time, felt unable to tired. It  ient, oo loud, er and more spiritual t it rarely lauger anotures ures of discontent, of sickliness, of ill-he soul, which rich people have, grabbed hold of him.

    Like a veil, like a t, tiredness came over Siddting a bit denser every day, a bit murkier every mont ime, loses its beautiful colour in time, gets stains, gets s  tarts to ss arted after ion from Govinda,  colour and splendour as tains, and  bottom, already ss ugliness ment and disgust ing. Sidd notice it. iced t t and reliable voice inside of  t time and  times, .

    ured by t, covetousness, slot vice  as t foolisy, possessions, and ricured rifles to range and devious en into t base of all dependencies, by means of t  time,  Siddo play t otimes only joined om of to take akes. o a pain of , losing and ing c rate s false god, more clearly and more mockingly. takes and mercilessly, ing  money, lost je a ry,  again. t fear, t terrible and petrifying fear,  fear  to al, al, al it to a sligill felt sometoxication, someted form of life in t of urated, lukewarm, dull life.

    And after eac on nerictly to pay, because ed to continue gambling, ed to continue squandering, continue demonstrating   ience ime, lost o ion for giving ao titioned ens of t one roll of t it, became more strict and more petty in  nig money! And o  and disgust came over inued fleeing, fleeing into a neo a numbing of  on by sex, by o to pile up and obtain possessions. In tless cycle ired, growing old, growing ill.

    time came ting under trees, talking, and Kamala ful ell  Gotama, and could not ill and beautiful ime, o tell  ted Budd;One day, per Budd and take my refuge in eac; But after tied o  of making love ing and in tears, as if, once more, sed to squeeze t s drop out of ting pleasure. Never before, it rangely clear to Sidd o deato  to tion, an inscription of small lines, of sligion reminiscent of autumn and old age, just as Siddies, iced, iredness ten on Kamalas beautiful face, tiredness from ination, tiredness and till unsaid, per even conscious anxiety: fear of old age, fear of tumn, fear of o die. ito ance, and full of concealed anxiety.

    t t in ed as if o toe, true, o bed a long time after midnigired and yet excited, close to  rating ire body like taste of t too s, dull music, t too soft smile of t too s scent of ts. But more ted by iredness and listlessness of en and drunk far too mucs it back up again  to free s and all of tless life and  of disgust. Not until t of t activities in treet before y-ly fallen asleep, s a  of sleep. In ts, he had a dream:

    Kamala o. : te, imes alo sing in ttention, epped in front of tiff on took it out,  in  a in treet, and in t,  terribly s , as if  this dead bird.

    Starting up from t encompassed by a deep sadness. ort seemed to less  in ood ty like a castahe shore.

    it to te, sat doree, felt deat and , sat and sensed o an end in s, and in  tire patarting  days ime rue bliss? Oimes aste of it,  it in : quot;t of tinguisation of te ant in t; t it in : quot;t of you, you are destined for, ting you.quot; And again, as a young man, itude of tled in pain for tained kno in  of t, in t of t t;Go on! Go on! You are called upon!quot;  o t perfected one, and also ain. For   any more,  a  t,  elevation, content ful pleasures and yet never satisfied! For all of t kno ried o become a man like t er all, t entire o co  ill need  play a game  an ending? as it necessary to live for t  necessary! to play once, ten times--but for ever and ever over again?

    t t  play it any more. S, something had died.

    t entire day,  under tree, tama. Did o leave to become a Kamas t  sigars, : quot;ting under my mango-tree, in my pleasure-garden.quot; tle -- really necessary,  rig not as foolis ree, t he owned a garden?

    an end to to tree, o t food t strong  of y, of able . iredly, so things.

    In t, Sidd  ty, and never came back. For a long time, Kamasold t Sidd astonis al it? as  a Samana, a man  time togete of all t sionately to  for t time, t s one more time to be so completely possessed and penetrated by him.

    neo tive in a golden cage. Sook t and let it fly. For a long time, ser it, tors and kept  after some time, s s from t time sogetha.

 BY THE RIVER

    Sidd, y, and kne t one t t t for many years until no asted all of it, sucked everyt of it until ed . Dead  of. Dead . Deeply, angled in Sansara,  and deato er until it is full. And full , full of misery, full of deat in ttracted .

    Passionately o kno o , to be dead. If tning-bolt to strike iger a devour fulness and sleep, and no a! as till any kind of filt soiled   committed, a dreariness of t broug still at all possible to be alive? as it possible, to breato breat, to feel o eat again, to sleep again, to sleep  exed and brougo a conclusion for him?

    Sidd, time ago, oama, a ferryman ed opped, antly ood at tiredness and ever for so, to  to se dream, to spit out tale o put an end to this miserable and shameful life.

    A  over t-tree; Sidd its trunk runk o ter, irely filled o let go and to droers. A friginess ed back at er, anso terrible emptiness in  for  to annie  to smaso  a of mockingly laug vomiting o bits of ted! Let ic, tten body, t  o bits by the daemons!

    itorted face, ared into ter, saion of  at it. In deep tiredness, ook runk of tree and turned a bit, in order to let raigo finally drooh.

    t of remote areas of  of past times of irred up. It o ;Omquot;,  quot; or quot;tionquot;. And in t ; touc spirit suddenly ions.

    Sidd  o seek deat to gro by anniing  all agony of t times, all sobering realizations, all desperation  broug, t on by t, wered his consciousness: he became aware of himself in his misery and in his error.

    Om! o  Bra tructibility of life, kne all t is divine, wten.

    But t, flas of t-tree, Siddruck doiredness, mumbling Om, placed  of tree and fell into a deep sleep.

    Deep ime  knoen years er quietly flo kno trees and t  it took  seemed to  ely distant, infinitely far aely meaningless.   moment  it, t life seemed to ion, like an early pre-birt self)--t , full of disgust and cended to t t by a river, under a coconut-tree, o  t tly, o  seemed to ire long sleep  a long meditative recitation of Om, a te entering into Om, into ted.

    a , tric, t transformed, rangely ed, strangely awake, joyful and curious.

    Siddraigting opposite to ting in tion of pondering.  observed aken ed Buddoo, but still ures, expressed zeal, faitimidness. But  recognise o find ly, ting ime and been ing for o  know him.

    quot;I ; said Sidd; ;

    quot;You ; ans;It is not good to be sleeping in sucen are and t ed Gotama, toget is dangerous to sleep. t to ayed be  seems, I ed to guard your sleep. Badly, I iredness  no youre a me go to catc;

    quot;I tc over my sleep,quot; spoke Sidd;Youre friendly, you folloed one. No;

    quot;Im going, sir. May you, sir, always be in good ;

    quot;I t;

    Govinda made ture of a salutation and said: quot;Fare;

    quot;Fare; said Siddha.

    topped.

    quot;Permit me to ask, sir, from w;

    Now, Siddha smiled.

    quot;I knoo t ook your refuge ed one in tavana.quot;

    quot;Youre Sidd; Govinda exclaimed loudly. No compre recognise you rig, to see you again.quot;

    quot;It also gives me joy, to see you again. Youve been t o, o;

    quot;Im going no to anoto teaco us, accept alms, move on. It is al you, Siddo?quot;

    Quot;itoo, friend, it is as it is  travelling. Im on a pilgrimage.quot;

    Govinda spoke: quot;Youre saying: youre on a pilgrimage, and I believe in you. But, forgive me, o look like a pilgrim. Youre inguisleman, and your  a pilgrims  t;

    quot;Rig I  said to you t I  is: Im on a pilgrimage.quot;

    quot;Youre on a pilgrimage,quot; said Govinda. quot;But few would go on a pilgrimage in suc suc;

    quot;I believe you, my dear Govinda. But nooday, youve met a pilgrim just like t. Remember, my dear: Not eternal is t eternal, anyt eternal are our garments and tyle of our e rigful people, for I ;

    quot;And no;

    quot;I dont kno, I dont kno just like you. Im travelling. I omorro kno;

    quot;Youve lost your ric;

    quot;Ive lost to slip aations is turning quickly, Govinda. ernal t.quot;

    Govinda looked at time,  in er t, ation  on his way.

    itcill, t , in ter ment,  seemed to   able to love anybody or anything.

    itcrengt  eaten for times   of t time. In ted of to Kamala, o do table feats: fasting--ing--trengtaff; in ts, noting, nor ing, nor t c fades most quickly, for sensual lust, for trange. And no seemed, now he had really become a childlike person.

    Sidd about uation. t really feel like it, but he forced himself.

    No easily perisanding  as I anding tle cies, t, I  Im no longer young, t my  my strengtarting again at to smile. Yes, e range! tupid. But  feed sad about t a great urge to laugo laug o laug trange, foolish world.

    quot;t; o  it, and as , o glance at t all.  t tended to droimes, a his?

    ondrous indeed ours it aken. As I boy, I o do o do icism, ation, man. But as a young man, I folloents, lived in t, suffered of  and frost, learned to augo become dead. onderfully, soon after Buddeac t I also o leave Budd kno and learned t of love rading ed money, learned to love my stomaco please my senses. I o spend many years losing my spirit, to unlearn to forget t it just as if I urned sloour from a man into a co a c, t, t  died. But o pass tupidity, t and disappointments and  to become a co be able to start over. But it ;Yesquot; to it, my eyes smile to it. Ive o experience despair, Ive o sink doo t fooliss, to t of suicide, in order to be able to experience divine grace, to o be able to sleep properly and ao find Atman in me again. I o sin, to be able to live again.  my pato? It is foolis moves in loops, per is going around in a circle. Let it go as it likes, I  to to take it.

    onderfully,  joy rolling like waves in .

    ,  it come from t long, good sleep,  I  I ely fled, t I am finally free again and am standing like a c to o iful is to breatments, of spices, of e te myself for staying in terrible ured myself, o like doing so muco t Sidd t praise, t to t red against myself, to t fooliser so many years of foolis singing and !

    tened curiously to omac, in t times and days, completely tasted and spit out, devoured up to t of desperation and deat ed money, filled omac ; for muc, e  most extreme moment, o destroy   t, and t  succumbed to it, t till alive after all, t joy, tly under urned gray.

    quot;It is good,quot; , quot;to get a taste of everyto kno lust for t belong to t for a long time, but I , dont just kno in my memory, but in my eyes, in my , in my stomaco kno;

    For a long time, ransformation, listened to t sang for joy.  t felt its deatime o die. as it not t o intend to kill in  years as a penitent? as t ened, and proud self, led ed er every killing, proed joy, felt fear? as it not today o its deat, by t not due to t rust, so  fear, so full of joy?

    Noent. too mucoo many oo many sacrificial rules, to mucigation, so mucriving for t goal! Full of arrogance, est, al, alep aual one, al or o being a priest, into to tuality, reated, t sat firmly and greing and penance. No t voice , t no teaco bring about ion. to go out into to lust and poo il t and Samana in o continue bearing t, teaclessness of a dreary and ed life up to to bitter despair, until Siddful, Siddually o die, mortal oday ha, and was full of joy.

    ts, listened o omacened gratefully to a buzzing bee. Co ter so er trongly and beautifully. It seemed to o tell  kno, ing ended to droired, desperate Siddoday. But t a deep love for ter, and decided for  to leave it very soon.

 THE FERRYMAN

    By t to stay, t Sidd is time ago on my o t to go to, starting out from , my pat t time into a ne nes start there!

    tenderly, o ter, into transparent green, into tal lines of its draing on ting surface, ted in it. it e ones, al ones, er,  deligeful ! In  alking, old er! Stay near it! Learn from it! Oed to learn from it, ed to listen to it. and ter and its secrets, so it seemed to and many ots, all secrets.

    But out of all secrets of today only saoucer ran and ran, incessantly it ran, and  all times t ne! Great be and tood and grasped it not, only felt some idea of it stirring, a distant memory, divine voices.

    Siddened to t, listened to the rumbling hunger in his body.

    ready, and transported tood in t, Siddha recognised him, he had also aged very much.

    quot;ould you like to ferry me over?quot; he asked.

    toniso see suc man , took o  and pus off the bank.

    quot;Its a beautiful life you ; t;It must be beautiful to live by ter every day and to cruise on it.quot;

    it to side: quot;It is beautiful, sir, it is as you say. But isnt every life, isnt every iful?quot;

    quot;true. But I envy you for yours.quot;

    quot;Aop enjoying it. t;

    Sidd;Once before, I oday because of my clotrust. ouldnt you, ferryman, like to accept to me, from me? For you must kno;

    quot;Youre joking, sir,quot; the ferryman laughed.

    quot;Im not joking, friend. Beer in your boat for terial re today as  my clot.quot;

    quot;And do you, sir, intent to continue travelling  clot;

    quot;A of all I   to continue travelling at all. Most of all I o give me an old loinclot me ant, or ratrainee, for Ill o learn first o .quot;

    For a long time, t tranger, searching.

    quot;No; ;At one time, youve slept in my , time ago, possibly more ty years ago, and youve been ferried across ted like good friends.  youve been a Samana? I cant t;

    quot;My name is Sidd seen me.quot;

    quot;So be oday as ell me, o you.quot;

    trengto overcome t.  of t,  and c last day of ime as a Samana, love for tirred in . Gratefully, ed Vasudevas invitation. o tie t to takes; after to enter t, offered er, and Sidde e s, Vasudeva offered him.

    After  time of t, t on a log by told t  il late at niged ale.

    Vasudeva listened  attention. Listening carefully,  everyter  learning, all t searcress. tues one of test: like only a feen. it  er , open, ing,  lose a single one, aed not a single one ience, did not add  listening. Sidd,  is, to confess to sucener, to burry in  his own life, his own search, his own suffering.

    But in tale,  sucer ened tention, entirely and completely absorbed by it, h his eyes closed.

    But  is as I t. to you. It is your friend as  speaks to you as  is good, t is very good. Stay o  to mine, but sime ago, for a long time, I ;

    quot;I t; said Sidd;I t. And I also tening to me so o listen. And I did not meet a single one  from you.quot;

    quot;You ,quot; spoke Vasudeva, quot;but not from me. taugo listen, from it you  as  kno. See, youve already learned ter too, t it is good to strive doo sink, to seek dept Sidd, told to you by t ot as ;

    Quoter a long pause: quot; ot;

    Vasudeva rose. quot;It is late,quot; ;lets go to sleep. I cant tell you t ot, or per already. See, Im no learned man, I o do is to listen and to be godly, I o say and teac, I mig like t is my task to ferry people across transported many, to all of t an obstacle on travels. travelled to seek money and business, and for ructing to get t obstacle. But for some among topped being an obstacle, ts voice, tened to it, and to t o me. Lets rest now, Sidd;

    Siddayed o operate t, and  t off trees. o build an oar, and learned to mend t, and to s, and  more teacaugly, . Most of all,  to listen, to pay close attention  , ing, opened soul,  passion,  a ,  an opinion.

    In a friendly manner,  lengt about words. Vasudeva was no friend of words; rarely, Siddo speak.

    quot;Did you,quot; so  one time, quot;did you too learn t secret from t time?quot;

    Vasudevas face  smile.

    quot;Yes, Sidd; ;It is t you mean, isnt it: t t once, at t t terfall, at t tains, every t time for it, not t, not ture?quot;

    quot;t is,quot; said Sidd;And  my life, and it ed from t by somet, and urn to Braure. Notence and is present.quot;

    Siddasy; deeply, tenment ed  all suffering time,  all forms of tormenting oneself and being afraid time,  everytile in time, as soon as time  of existence by ones ts? In ecstatic delig Vasudeva smiled at ly and nodded in confirmation; silently urned back to his work.

    And once again, s flo;Isnt it so, o it t, and of a ;

    quot;So it is,quot; Vasudeva nodded, quot;all voices of tures are in its voice.quot;

    quot;And do you kno; Siddinued, quot; speaks, en t once?quot;

    over to Siddo ha had also been hearing.

    And time after time, o t just as brig just as t as s of t as alike to a c as alike to an old mans. Many travellers, seeing t ten, t in togetened to ter, o t t exists, of ernally taking s ime to time t botening to t of tion from terday, of one of travellers, te of  t,  eaced about to tion.

    t tted to otravellers felt. It  a traveller, after  tarted to tell tory of old about pains, confessed evil t and advice. It  someone asked for permission to stay for a nigo listen to t also  curious people came,  tions, but t no anstle old men, e and to  strange and gaga. And ty rumours.

    ted t one time, monks came by on a pilgrimage, folloama, to be ferried across told t t o t teaced one ion. It  long, until a ne of travellers and people ama and o o tion of a king, and are gats in droves, to o take place and t perfected one of an era o become one he glory.

    Often, Sidd in t teacions and . Kindly,  of o perfection before o ed one. t seemed to ime  tanding betama and ill unable to accept eaceacruly searcruly ed to find, could accept. But eacanding beternal, w is divine.

    On one of t on a pilgrimage to t to o be t beautiful of tesans. A long time ago, sired from o tama as a gift, aken eacors of togeto tama, in simple clot. ittle son, sravelling by t tired, desired to go back o rest, desired to eat, became disobedient and started whining.

    Kamala often o take a rest omed to  o feed o comfort o scold  compreo to go on ting and sad pilgrimage o an unknoo a stranger, o die. So w if he boy?

    tting close to Vasudevas ferry, . Sired, and ed. But suddenly, stered a  ten.

    o reac near to t able to go any furt tarted crying miserably, only interrupting it to kiss and il tood at took to t, t, ove and  lig sao remember sometten. tantly recognised, t it irred in .

    Kamalas  over ood Siddo love  seemed like a dream to   sloion, remembered te, called timidly for the boy.

    quot; ; said Siddha.

    Kamala looked into ongue, paralysed by t;Youve become old, my dear,quot; s;youve become gray. But you are like t one time came  cloty feet, to me into t t time ill recognise me?quot;

    Sidd;Instantly, I recognised you, Kamala, my dear.quot;

    Kamala pointed to ;Did you recognise ;

    . t, Siddook  ted  t of to ime ago, ed to speak; from  and co  singsong, ttering a sob and fell asleep. Siddood by tove and cooked rice. Siddurned h a smile.

    quot;S; Siddly.

    Vasudeva nodded; over  of toves fire.

    Once again, Kamala returned to consciousness. Pain distorted ly, , attentively, ing,  it,  his eyes.

    Looking at ;No your eyes ely different. By ill recognise t youre Sidds you, and its not you.quot;

    Siddly  hers.

    quot;You ?quot; s;You ;

    he smiled and placed his hand on hers.

    quot;Im seeing it,quot; s;Im seeing it. I too ;

    quot;You ,quot; Siddha spoke in a whisper.

    Kamala never stopped looking into  about o Gotama, o take, in order to see ted one, to breat t s it  as good, as if sed to tell to  tongue no longer obeyed  speaking, s hrough her limbs, his finger closed her eyelids.

    For a long time,  and looked at ime, ired mout o, in time, , read in tired  as quenc, and sa time  and at time real, ternity, completely filled every aspect of , more deeply tructibility of every life, ternity of every moment.

    Sidd eat. In table, ood, trao sleep. But Sidd outside and sat t before t, listening to t, toucimes of  time. But occasionally, epped to t and listened, whe boy was sleeping.

    Early in t of table and o his friend.

    quot;You  slept,quot; he said.

    quot;No, Vasudeva. I sat ening to t it old me, deeply it ,  of oneness.quot;

    quot;Youve experienced suffering, Sidd I see: no sadness ered your .quot;

    quot;No, my dear, o me.quot;

    quot;Your son so me as  no to o be done. Kamala ime ago. Let us also build Kamalas funeral pile on t my ;

    ill asleep, t the funeral pile.

 THE SON

    timid and tended ened to Sidded  . Pale,  for many days by t  to eat, gave no open look, did not open , met e ance and denial.

    Sidd ood t  kno t s of ricomed to finer food, to a soft bed, accustomed to giving orders to servants. Siddood t t suddenly and ent rangers and in poverty.  force  piece of to win ience.

    Rico ime ime, and tranger and in a gloomy disposition, since ubbornly disobedient , did not  to do any  pay  to tole from Vasudevas fruit-trees, to understand t  broug suffering and   t, t taken on to be  and the field.

    For a long time, for long monted for o understand o accept o pere it. For long monted, ced and said notormented e and an unsteadiness in ook in talked to him.

    quot;Pardon me.quot; ;from a friendly , Im talking to you. Im seeing t you are tormenting yourself, Im seeing t youre in grief. Your son, my dear, is omed to a different life, to a different nest. , like you, ran aed and fed up ; against o leave all times I . But t laug me, it laug you and me, and is ser at out fooliser s to join er, youts to join yout in too soo sen to it!quot;

    troubled, Siddo  cheerfulness.

    quot; ; ly, as;Give me some more time, my dear! See, Im figo ience I intent to capture it. One day, talk to ;

    Vasudevas smile flouris;Ooo is called upon, oo is of ternal life. But do o take, ions to perform, o endure? Not a small one, er all,  is proud and o suffer a lot, err a lot, do mucice, burden tell me, my dear: youre not taking control of your sons upbringing? You dont force  beat  punis;

    quot;No, Vasudeva, I dont do anyt;

    quot;I kne. You dont force  beat  give  quot;softquot; is stronger t;;, ater stronger tronger t arent you mistaken in t you  force  punis you s you make  you make it even ience? Dont you force  and pampered boy, to live in a  ers, to  be s are old and quiet and beats in a different pace t forced, isnt ;

    troubled, Siddo tly, ; do you t;

    Quot;Bring o ty, bring o ill be servants around, give o t any around any more, bring o a teac for teac so t  of t;

    quot;Youre seeing into my ,quot; Sidd;Often, I  of t look,  ender  anyo t ,  o pleasure and po  all of akes,   entirely lost in Sansara?quot;

    Brig up; softly, ouc;Ask t it, my friend!  laug it! ould you actually believe t you ted your fooliss in order to spare your son from committing too? And could you in any ect your son from Sansara? eacion? My dear, irely forgotten t story, t story containing so many lessons, t story about Siddold me ?  tion, eaco keep eaco protect , from drinking tter drink for  peraking t pertle son ? But even if you en times for  be able to take test part of iny upon yourself.quot;

    Never before, Vasudeva  troubled into t, could not sleep for a long time. Vasudeva old  already t and kno act upon, stronger tronger  thus happily?

    Sidd  give up t t ed; daily, e struggle of friendliness, t ience. Vasudeva also said noted, friendly, knoient. ters of patience.

    At one time, ime ago, in to ;You cannot love,quot; so ar,  line. Indeed, o lose or devote ely to anoto forget o commit fooliss for to do t o  t time, t distinction  noo a love,  of love. No, late, once in ime, trongest and strangest of all passions, suffered from it, suffered miserably, and , enriching.

    t it ers. Nevert at time, it   o be atoned for, to be endured, ts also o be committed.

    t  s, let  for ion, let e o ed  man, per man, per, all ttributes ed trick of t if ened by him, if he had been abused by him.

    A day came, urned against ter ask, old o gat t leave t, in stubborn disobedience and rage ayed burst red and contempt into hers face.

    quot;Get t; ed foaming at t;Im not your servant. I do kno you   me, you dont dare; I do kno you constantly  to punis me doion and your indulgence. You  me to become like you, just as devout, just as soft, just as  I, listen up, just to make you suffer, I rat to become a o o become like you! I e you, youre not my faten times been my motor!quot;

    Rage and grief boiled over in  turned late at night.

    But t morning,  ,  of bast of t  lying by te bank. the boy had ran away.

    quot;I must follo;A c go t all alone.  build a raft, Vasudeva, to get over ter.quot;

    quot;e ,quot; said Vasudeva, quot;to get our boat back,   run along, my friend, o get around. o ty, and , dont forget t.  youve failed to do yourself. aking care of aking  youre suffering a pain at wo laug w;

    Sidd ans of bamboo, and Vasudeva o tied togeted far off t upriver on te bank.

    quot;ake t; asked Siddha.

    Vasudeva said: quot;It mig t got lost.quot;

    But Sidd , to get even and in order to keep t, t in t. Vasudeva pointed to ttom of t and looked at ed to say: quot;Dont you see rying to tell you? Dont you see t   to be follo; But  say tarted making a ne Siddo look for t stop him.

    for a long time, t occurred to  , ty, or, if ill be on inued t ,   stopping, no longer to save  to satisfy  to perime. And o just outside of ty.

    y, opped, by trance of tiful pleasure-garden, o Kamala, ime in  rose up in anding t. For a long time, Siddood te into tiful trees.

    For a long time, ood tening to tory of ime, ood t trees. Clearly,  kiss from s, tired, felt once again disgust, felt once again to annie he holy Om.

    After anding by te of time, Sidd o t

    alloo cling  t, like a  time t t been given to o turn t, t it o become a blossom and o shine.

    t t blossom yet, did not s, at tead of tiness. Sadly,  do somet, experienced emptiness, sa in t and ed. ting, ience, listening attentively. And  and listened, in t of tened to , beating tiredly and sadly, ed for a voice. Many an ening, sao emptiness, let  seeing a pat tly spoke t o  of  see him.

    From trified state, oucantly, oucender, basouced Vasudeva, o t o too. Noe ter tly  back into t urned o talked about ioned t  t, Sidder a wo o offer -milk, he already found him asleep.

 OM

    For a long time, tinued to burn. Many a traveller Siddo ferry across ter, and  envying  t;So many, so many test of good fortunes-- for me.quot; t reason , to the childlike people he had become.

    Differently t, less proud, but instead  seem alien to o: ood tood and s guided by ts and insig solely by urges and ion and ill seemed to ies, desires for possession, and ridiculous aspects o andable, became lovable, even became ion to upid, blind pride of a conceited fatuff, all of t immensely strong, strongly living, strongly prevailing urges and desires ing ely mucely muc,  ructible, ts. ortion y, trengtenacity. to put  for one little tiny, small t of ted in many an  o be valued t mig also pers, to ten far superior to t as animals too can, after all, in some moments, seem to be superior to ouging performance of w is necessary.

    Slo ually   a readiness of ty, a secret art, to t, o be able to feel and in ernal perfection of the world, smiling, oneness.

    But till burned, longingly and bitterly Sidd of ured enderness in , alloo gna ted all fooliss of love. Not by itself, t.

    And one day,  and o go to ty and to look for ly and quietly, it  its voice sounded strange: it laug laug laugly and clearly at topped,  over ter, in order to ter, and ed in tly moving ers, and in ted face tten, and as  about it, : to kno resembled ime ago, as a young man, o let o tents, o  also suffered t long since died, alone,   o expect te for  not a comedy, a strange and stupid matter, tition, teful circle?

    t  been suffered and solved up to its end, t Sidd back into t and ferried back to t, t by t odds ending to less tending towards laug {???} ire world.

    {I t s;¨¹berquot; instead of quot;aberquot;.}

    Alas, t blossoming yet,  ill fige, cory  yet s urned to t,  an undefeatable desire to open up to Vasudeva, to ser of listening, to say everything.

    Vasudeva ting in t and . , arting to get  just he cheerful benevolence of his face.

    Sidd do to tarted talking.  talked about, old o ty, at t time, of t t of ile fig ted everyto say everyt embarrassing parts, everytell. ed old oday, er, a co o ty, he river had laughed.

    ime,  face, Vasudevas listening gave Siddronger sensation to   erpart. to so tener  in til it ill speaking, still admitting and confessing, Sidd more and more t tening to  tionless listener  tionless man self, t  ernal itself. And ion of Vasudevas cer took possession of  it and entered into it, t became, t everytural, t Vasudeva ime, almost forever, t only  quite recognised it, yes, t  reacate. , t  t last; in , arted bidding o Vasudeva. talked incessantly.

    alking, Vasudeva turned ly

    love and canding and kno by t do the river.

    quot;Youve  laug; ;But you  s listen, youll ;

    tened. Softly sounded to ter, and images appeared to er: ied o ant son;  sang, longingly, it floos goal, lamentingly its voice sang.

    quot;Do you ; Vasudevas mute gaze asked. Siddha nodded.

    quot;Listen better!quot; Vasudeva whispered.

    Sidd to listen better. turned all into tisfiable desire. For t ed of ers erfall, ter turned into vapour and rose to turned into rain and poured dourned into a source, a stream, a river,  t still resounded, full of suffering, searc ot, voices of joy and of suffering, good and bad voices, laughousand voices.

    Siddened.  a listener, completely concentrated on listening, completely empty, , t o listen. Often before, oday it sounded ne, not t togetation of yearning and ter of terted, entangled a times. And everytoget oget togets, ening attentively to tened to ter, ie o any particular voice and submerged o it, but ed of a single word, wion.

    quot;Do you ; Vasudevas gaze asked again.

    Briging radiantly over all ting in tly  ly tarting to so the oneness.

    In topped fige, stopped suffering. On ion, s,  of life, full of sympated to to the oneness.

    by to Siddly toucender manner, and said: quot;Ive been ing for t it  me leave. For a long time, Ive been ing for time, Ive been Vasudeva ts enoug, farewell, river, farewell, Sidd;

    Siddha made a deep bow before him who bid his farewell.

    quot;Ive kno,quot; ly. quot;Youll go into ts?quot;

    quot;Im going into ts, Im going into t; spoke Vasudeva  smile.

    it smile, ; Siddcy ceps full of peace, saw re, saw .

 GOVINDA

    togeto spend time of rest betesan Kamala o tama for a gift. alk of an old ferryman, o see tire life by tion by t of y, tlessness and till  peris.

    o to ferry  off t on to t;Youre very good to us monks and pilgrims, you  you too, ferryman, a searc pat;

    Quot;Do you call yourself a searcamas monks?quot;

    quot;Its true, Im old,quot; spoke Govinda, quot;but I  stopped searcop searco be my destiny. You too, so it seems to me, o tell me somet;

    Quot; so tell you, o youre searcoo muc in all t searc find time for finding?quot;

    quot;; asked Govinda.

    quot;; said Sidd;t mig till see is t o let anyter  t of  finding means: being free, being open, riving for your goal, t see,  of your eyes.quot;

    quot;I dont quite understand yet,quot; asked Govinda, quot;;

    Quot;A long time ago, o t doo guard , o recognise t;

    Astonis of a magic spell, to the ferrymans eyes.

    quot;Are you Sidd; imid voice. quot;I  ime as ing you, Sidd, Im o see you once again! Youve c, my friend.--And so youve no;

    In a friendly manner, Sidd;A ferryman, yes. Many people, Govinda, o c, o  in my .quot;

    Govinda stayed t in t and slept on to be Vasudevas bed. Many questions o to tell him from his life.

    morning time o start t  ation, t;Before Ill continue on my pat me to ask one more question. Do you eaco live and to do rig;

    Quot;You kno I already as a young man, in tents in t, started to distrust teaceaco turn my back to tuck eaciful courtesan eacime, and a ric eacravelling on foot, eac , on teful to eful. But most of all, I   is necessary just as ama,  man, a saint.quot;

    Govinda said: quot;Still, o to mock people, as it seems to me. I believe in you and kno you  folloeac  you found someteacill found certain ts, certain insigo live? If you o tell me some of t my .quot;

    Quot;Ive s, yes, and insigimes, for an ire day, I  knos, but it o you. Look, my dear Govinda, ts, o pass on to someone always sounds like foolis;

    quot;Are you kidding?quot; asked Govinda.

    quot;Im not kidding. Im telling you  not  can be found, it can be lived, it is possible to be carried by it, miracles can be performed , but it cannot be expressed in aug I, even as a young man, sometimes suspected, . It says: te of every trut as true! ts like trut into  s and said s all one-sided, all just one eness, roundness, oneness. ed Gotama spoke in eaco divide it into Sansara and Nirvana, into deception and truto suffering and salvation. It cannot be done differently, ts to teac tself, s around us and inside of us, is never one-sided. A person or an act is never entirely Sansara or entirely Nirvana, a person is never entirely irely sinful. It does really seem like t to deception, as if time ime is not real, Govinda, I en and often again. And if time is not real, to be beternity, betion.quot;

    quot;; asked Govinda timidly.

    quot;Listen en  in times to come ;times to comequot; are a deception, are only a parable! t on o become a Budd in ty for t knoure today already ture Buddure is already all to  imperfect, or on a slooion: no, it is perfect in every moment, all sin already carries tself, all small cs already ernal life. It is not possible for any person to see ing; in ting. In deep meditation, ty to put time out of existence, to see all life aneous, and t, everytever exists as good, deato me like life, sin like o be as it is, everyt, only my , to be good for me, to do not , to be unable to ever  I needed sin very muc, ty, and needed t so learn o give up all resistance, in order to learn o love to stop comparing it to some o leave it as it is and to love it and to enjoy being a part of it.--ts ;

    Sidd doone from t in his hand.

    quot;t; , quot;is a stone, and er a certain time, perurn into soil, and urn from soil into a plant or animal or , I  a stone, it is  belongs to t because it migo become also a  in transformations, t it importance. t in t. But today I tone is a stone, it is also animal, it is also god, it is also Budd venerate and love it because it could turn into t, but rat is already and al is t, t it is a stone, t it appears to me nooday as a stone, t and see s veins and cavities, in t makes , in tness of its surface. tones aneously and just as muc is a stone, is oily or juicy, and t  me speak no more of t good for t meaning, everyt different, as soon as it is put into s distorted a bit, a bit silly--yes, and t a lot, I also very muc t is one mans treasure and ;

    Govinda listened silently.

    quot;old me t tone?quot; antly after a pause.

    quot;I did it  any specific intention. Or per I meant  love tone, and t and from ree or a piece of bark. t I cannot love eacness, no colours, no edges, no smell, no taste, t  are tion and virtue as  t;

    Quot;Not just a  is a t.quot;

    Siddinued: quot;A t, it mig confess to you, my dear: I dont differentiate mucs and o be , I also s. I ter opinion of t, for instance, a man eaciced t to , it educated and taugo be a god to  kno every le  as divine and kno as muceac as muc o ts,  teac books, only because ;

    Govinda said: quot;But is t ually sometence? Isnt it just a deception of t an image and illusion? Your stone, your tree, your river-- are tually a reality?quot;

    quot;too,quot; spoke Sidd;I do not care very muc. Let t, after all I  makes tion for me: teac: love, oo me to be t important to tand to explain it, to despise it, may be t t Im only interested in being able to love t to despise it, not to e it and me, to be able to look upon it and me and all beings ion and great respect.quot;

    quot;tand,quot; spoke Govinda. quot;But ted one to be a deception. olerance, but not love; o tie our  in love to eart;

    quot;I kno,quot; said Sidd;I kno, Govinda. And be in t of opinions, in te about  deny, my radiction, a seeming contradiction amas rust in ion is a deception. I kno I am in agreement ama.  knoransitoriness, in t loved people to use a long, laborious life only to o teac teacance on s and life tures of  in  in s, I see ness, only in ions, in ;

    For a long time, t;I telling me some of your ts. tially strange ts, not all antly understandable to me. t may, I to ;

    (But secretly  to s, eacly sound ted ones pure teacrange, foolisained in t different from s seemed to me Sidd, ing, er our exalted Gotama  a person of o be like teacrange, may  of  of every part of y, sed teacher.)

    As Govinda t like t in , o Siddo ting.

    quot;Sidd; ;o see tion. I see, beloved, t you  I  found it. tell me, oand! Give me someto be  it often en dark, Sidd;

    Sidd  smile. Govinda stared at ernal searcernal not-finding.

    Sidd and smiled.

    quot;Bent doo me!quot; ly in Govindas ear. quot;Bend doo me! Like t;

    But  dra love and expectation, obeyed  doo ouco s ill druggling in vain and ance to time, to imagine Nirvana and Sansara as one, empt for ting in  an immense love and veneration, to him:

    ead  all seemed to be taneously, ly cill all Siddely painfully opened moutorted from crying--o tioner ions and cramps of frenzied love--retc, motionless, cold, void-- s, of bulls, of birds--ions, ing it, destroying it, giving re-birto it, eaco die, a passionately painful confession of transitoriness, and yet none of transformed,  any time ed, floed ted along and merged antly covered by somet individuality of its o yet existing, like a transparent skin, a ser, and t touc like taneousness above t, delicate, impenetrable, per, perama, t  respect a imes. Like ted ones are smiling.

    Not knoed, ed s, being enced and dissolved in  self, Govinda still stood for a little ations, all transformations, all existence. ter under its surface tly, smiled quietly and softly, perly, pero smile, ted one.

    Deeply, Govinda boears  t intimate love, t veneration in . Deeply, oucting motionlessly, w o him in his life.