¡¶The stolen Child¡·


 C H A P T E R 1

    Dont call me a fairy. e dont like to be called fairies anymore. Once upon a time, fairy ly acceptable catcy of creatures, but no aken on too many associations. Etymologically speaking, a fairy is somete particular, related in kind to ter nympself comes from tin Fata, te. thly realms.

    t in ts t carminibus coelo possunt deducere lunam, and t times into six kinds: fiery, aerial, terrestrial, ery, subterranean, and tes of fire, er, and air, I kno to not terrestrial and underground devils I knooo e variety and attendant myt tom, and culture. Kno names¡ªLares, genii, fauns, satyrs, foliots, Robin Goodfello remain live ered by  give me a name, call me hobgob-lin.

    Or better yet, I am a c describes s oended to do. e kidnap a  any boy or girl  only ttuned to troubles of t carefully, for sucunities mig of our soci-ety migo  a century before urn in ter the human world.

    Preparation is tedious, involving close surveillance of t be done unobserved, of course, and its best to select t becomes more compli-cated by to memorize and process a great deal of information beyond timate family, and being able to mimic y and ory as clearly as mirroring ures. Infants are t, but caring for t. Anyone muco ter  is to deceive ts into t tually t people imagine.

    No, ty lies not in assuming a cory but in t of tself. First, start retcil one so t size and body sor. t tilage, as if t affy, and teetedious re-ire process occurs  a gram of painkiller, alted masy undertaking, but , alt ted rearrangement of tals. In t copy of a cy years ago, in 1949, I was a changeling who became a human again.

    I cside of town.

    On a late summers afternoon,  tree. Our cransformed myself into  facsimile. e grabbed o to scy found me t nig angry, as I ed. quot;; a red- said to me as I pretended to sleep in t smile. t and carried me out of to a paved road, ood ing, its red ligbeat. took me o s, to my ne nig t if t first test could be passed, the world would once again be mine.

    It is a commonly , among ts, tranger t into t. t so. In fact, ts eggs in ots, and despite its extraordinary size and voracious appetite, ternal care, often to t of driving ty imes tarves  de-mands. My first task o create tion t I unately, olerant of intruders in t.

    t t in te. After all, tent. As truck lurco ted against t red door, a vivid mess of acorn masercress, and tons of a number of small insects. tted me on t and all, as if I ten or an abandoned baby.  from to gatrong embrace and warm kisses reeking of smoke and alcoo fool.

    rayed ion: blotcy tears, ted and dis for me rembling ted a small s makes sleeve and  deep coloratura.

    quot;; So my s arms lengt;Let me look at you. Is it really you?quot;

    quot;Im sorry, Mom.quot;

    S .  beat against t  and un-comfortable.

    quot;You neednt tle treasure. Youre s all t matters. Youve come back to me.quot;

    Dad cupped t tableau mig t, crumbs spilling to the floor.

    quot;Im sorry I stole t, Mom.quot;

    So t point if I ion-ing t did trick. olen one from table ole and pock-eted it. t I was hers.

    ell after midnig me to bed, and suc may be test invention of mankind. In any case, it tops sleeping in a  skin for your pillos and sigretc like a stick be-ts and pondered my good fortune. Many tales exist of failed cive families. One cia fisened s t torm and er found frozen and bobbing in ts , tened, t o eacs, upon learning t turn o cata-tonia,  attacks, or sudden deat, t ture t, abandonment, murder. Seventy years ago, I lost a good friend after  to make s tied ed kitten in a gunnysack and t of time, ts are confounded by ter, or one spouse blames tune. It is a risky endeavor and not for ted.

    t I ected caused me no small satisfaction, but I  completely at ease. A er I o bed, to my room s t, Mr. and Mrs. Day stuck t my eyes to mere slits and pretended to be sleeping. Softly, but persistently, serity as Rut;e o mend our ;

    quot;I kno; ;Look at  sleep t knits up t;

    t me in tours of my ne. side, tars sop of ts, and mot treat from ted enoug into to reveal ttern on torn from magazines and neacked along tt and ball rested on top of tand a pitce as p stack of books lay propped against tain my excitement at t of reading come morning.

    t t my nes room, follo t s of reason and speec;Youre not ; t I o t tots, eetences, and could not articulate teries of t attentiveness. I tried smiling, but no smiles urned. I tried making funny faces, tickling t c, and  tc as toads. Racking my brain to find a o get to tered somet as s motened animal let out suc I ed to be surrounded by every bear in tains. Despite my poo be done er t could . By croon-ing to t, I soot, and remembering ters. ted by t once to coo and clap trings of drool ran do;t; and quot;Bye, Baby Buntingquot; reassured or con-vinced t I o t s flitted terpoint, I alk to to believe¡ªor abandon their sense of disbelief.

    Mrs. Day bustled into tra-la-la-ing. ude amazed me; I imes before, but not quite at sucers. From ty of t  in person, senderness, tly sour, a perfume of milk and yeast. Sains, dazzling tened by s of t oo. It o keep from bursting into joyous laug me as if I were her only son.

    quot;ers, would you, ;

    I picked up t girl and announced very pointedly to my ne;Ill take Elizabet; S is a curious feel-ing to  one is not planning to steal; t softness.

    topped and stared at me, and for a beat, sain. quot; o tell t.quot;

    quot;ts easy, Mom. Elizabet;

    quot;Arent you t; Sairs.

    Elizabet my scable groaned ¡ªcakes and bacon, a jug of cer a long life in t eating ic delicacies, riche promise of fullness.

    quot;Look, es.quot;

    I could  on t. If saking trouble to fix e foods, s remely gratified by ucked in and enjoyed breakfast. After four -cakes, eigrips of bacon, and all but tcoast from abolism  seemed. Rutite as a sign of love for  eleven years, until I left for college, sime, sed ies and began to eat like me. Decades as a cites and energies, but soo en wondered if sborn or wh food.

    t first day s me inside ter all t uck closer tudying intently, learning better o be ed and s, , but strange and alien. Small surprises lurked. Dayligained  its patterns across ts in an entirely different geometry ticular interest  t make trast to t outside, t , especially on tired sly after lunce in my ernoon.

    My motiptoed from to find me patiently ing in t s me, standing like a sentinel in tcrical outlet t screamed out to me to stick in my little finger. Alt trained myself not to listen. Mom took me by t grasp filled me ed a deep peace oucand and asked ory.

    e  to my room and clambered into bed toget century, adults otal strangers, and life among torted my perspective. More tout to be real, especially uation seemed fragile and capricious. If s ed a bunker against ter  me against all my foes. As t, so me from t;tory of t Forto Learn  Fear as,quot; quot;t; quot;el,quot; quot;t; quot;t ; and many otes ;Cinderellaquot; and quot;Little Red Riding ; wiful expression in imbre, a singsong mucoo ced by he decades dissolved.

    I ales before, long ago, but in German, from my real motoo, ime), o Astel and Rotk?ppced to forget, t I ting, but could e clearly her voice in my head.

    quot;Es iefen, tiefen ald.quot;

    Alt ty of true identity from ter trange events of t year, do I o tell tory. too long delayed, o my own son. e change. I have changed.

 C H A P T E R 2

    I am gone.

    t a fairy tale, but true ory of my double life, left be all began, in case I may be found again.

    My oory begins y years ago, on an August afternoon, I ran aain trivial and forgotten matters set me off, but I remember preparing for a long journey, stuffing my pockets s left over from lunc of tly t my mot not know I .

    From to t, our yard , as if a borderland to cross carefully, in fear of be-ing exposed. Upon reac safe and illness nestled in trees. topped singing, and ts  rest. tired of t, a tree groaned as if sing in its rooted position. t every rare and passing breeze. As treeline, I came across an imposing cnut  its base big enougo crao , to listen for to beckon, I  move. t sing quot;; in ternoon, in t of dusk, in tarry nigo anss bounced crazily among trees, and ty crasumbling over stumps and fallen logs, passing me by. Soon to tance, faded to eco ermined not to be found.

    I burroo my den, pressing my face against tree, ins s rot and dankness, t my skin. A lole sounded farao a  dreensified and quickened. t galloped toree and stopped s of my ing breatfall. I curled up tigo to my feet. Cold fingers wrapped around my bare ankle and pulled.

    to ted once before a small  my mouted a gag. In tures remained obscure, but tripped me of my clottle cionally strong boys and girls, had kidnapped me.

    t and ran. Racing t at breakneck speed on my back, I reaming by like a meteor sly from me in darkness. tic creatures moved about e ting terrain and obsta-cles of trees  a cumble. Gliding like an o forest, I o one an-ot sounded like t sounded like quot;Come a; or quot;; Most fell silent, altart o a canter along er dis-cerned to be ablisrails t served the woods.

    Mosquitos lit upon t, biting me at o itcely ed to scratcs, cicadas, and peeping frogs, er babbled and gurgled nearby. ttle devils ced in unison until to a sudden . I could o ter.

    Droerrible o go. It  t t alarmed me, or tual impact  taposition of er s. t come out of my mout loosed. Submerged, I could no longer see, and I tried for a moment to  t t and sinuses as my lungs quickly filled. My life did not flas call out for my moto God. My last ts  of dying, but of being dead. ters encompassed me, even to my soul, t, and  my head.

    Many years later, ion evolved into legend, it  ed me, out s a stream of er a-sadpoles and tiny fis memory is of a caked in my nose and mout of reeds. Seated above on rocks and stumps and surrounding me ly talking toget even ted ticed me a still, as muc of fear as embarrassment, for my body  like a waking dream or as if I had died and had been born again.

    ted at me and spoke ement. At first, t of tune, full of strangled consonants and static. But ration, I could ed Englisiously so as not to startle me, t approaced from its doe.

    quot;e t you mig make it.quot;

    quot;Are you ;

    quot;Are you ty? ould you like some er?quot;

    t closer, and I could see tribe of lost c and asting ss or old-fastoms of t angles. A fee set of original baby teeteet. Only one,  teet top of e. inized me, faint cro gat t eyes. t look like any c ancients in wild childrens bodies.

    t tings, and ts, tom tes at ta-sia. Not little redo t Santas rolls, and oters from tuck in time, ageless, feral as a pack of wild dogs.

    A girl, bro, squatted near me and traced patterns in t near my ;My name is Speck.quot; tared at me. quot;You need to eat somet; S tercress, and ed roasted beetles. I refused t but ables er from a ers, tcently,  my face from time to time, smiling w my eye.

    to take ay dis me a pair of trousers. Sruggled beneat, and t out laugried to button my fly  revealing my nakedness. I ion to sroduced himself and his cronies.

    quot;I am Igel,quot;  back ;t;

    B¨¦ka hers.

    quot;And t; Dressed in a boys striped s and s pants epped to t. Sed and smiled at me, and I bluso t-bone. ips o eat.  elboo get a bet-ter look at t of them.

    quot;Im ; I croaked, my voice rah suffering.

    quot;; Onions smiled, and everyone laug tion. to c quot;Aniday, Aniday,quot; and a cry sounded in my . From t time forime I forgot my given name, alt  of tened, my old identity began to fade, muc remember all t  is born. to lose ones name is tting.

    As troduced eac t my ears. to  ringed t, I ie me up to be baptized yet again, but most of took scant notice of my panic. t, anxious to begin, and Igel strode over to my bedside. quot;ere going on a scavenger , Aniday. But you need to stay . Youve been te an ordeal.quot;

    ried to stand up, I met tance of .  rength of a grown man.

    quot;; I asked.

    quot;B¨¦ka and Onions ay  some rest.quot;  a sound, and before I could raise a est, to t like gly o me, quot;Youre one of us no; to join thers.

    I lay back doaring into trees and across t, I ured into t I o suc, lonesome place. tnut, oak, and elm grealler  rimming trable.  umps and logs and ts of a campfire. A skink sunned itself on t Igel  upon. Nearby, a box turtle so its s up to take a closer look.

    Standing proved to be a mistake and left me ed. I ed to be  of my motening to o my baby sisters, but instead I felt to ent on ts-cradle in ized me ed, I laid my body do and y. ternoon drifted by cc t of consciousness, I could not move my tired bones, ts t o t troubles t led beneat. op of ing, and somacurned tourned aion and disgust cla one anoturned until t, so tle frog snored contentedly. My stomac, and nausea rolled into me like a fever. Friged to run arange place.

 C H A P T E R 3

    I taugo read and e again during t termined to keep me inside or  or in ing symbols ions, rules and effects, and, most important, ting proved more difficult, primarily because one o o say before confronting tual dra turned out to be a tiresome c afternoons, I practiced e, filling it over and over  my compulsive be, but not before printing, as neatly as possible, quot;I love my mot; Sickled to find t later, and ture earned me an entire peac a slice for t even my father.

    ty of going to second grade quickly eroded to a dull aco me, altered someanding t otic. I still tussle  so mucions¡ªaddition, subtrac-tion, multiplication¡ªas tract configurations. Elementary science and ory revealed a  t differed from my experience among t George ason is, metapry, nor did I realize t a food c of organisms of an ecological community according to tion in ural order felt most unnatural at first. Matters in t ential. Liv-ing depended on sincts, not memorizing facts. Ever since t  man remained. If ayed inue to endure.

    Our struggle o find t co trade places. It couldnt be a random selection. A c decide on a cook me, and seven ury. t  only survival in t t to come back into this world.

    returned, t learned patience became a virtue. My sces cime craernoon, ing an eternity for t in tultifying room from September to mid-June, and barring ed to arrive by eig seven ed,  out into t luncrospect, tual moments spent togeto our time apart, but some t measured by quality ratity. My classmates made eacorture. I ex-pected civilization, but ties and blue uniforms inguisers, burpers, to torture t, stealing luncing on ts, egging ed as a potential prey. A feually oppressed. ted badly, eit every sligion. At an early age, tlessly, as clerks or store managers, systems analysts or consultants. t of tears¡ªbut I neglected to come to trengtch a single, well-placed blow.

    ties. too, dis-played many of ting personal s and lack of general oo loudly or not at all. ted viciously among tes, or to t of tinely tore apart t girls aunts and se ims  mercy if, for instance, t ts in class, as  before recess on t day to tess ode time, I felt someto sympatune. teased about til Val-entines Day. In te blouses, to tles. In t sense, t to ts.

    togetimes at nig, spooking sleeping birds from ts, stealing cloter page of ting about my peers. But for all its faults, t my mind to forgetting t and becoming a real boy again. Intolerable as sced. Mom ing for me every afternoon, pretending to be dusting or cooking riumply t door.

    quot;t; so tcine. quot;oday, ;

    I  lies for .

    quot;Did you learn anyt;

    I e all t ely curious and pleased, but  last to to finis before suppertime. In ts before my fat tableside. In te ballads, and I learned t ed. By accident or ignorance, I mimicked tly and could sing tone for tone, measure for measure, ply like Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra, Rosemary Clooney or Jo Stafford. Mom took my musical ability as a natural extension of my general ellect. So en sco beg me to sing it one more time.

    quot;Be a dear boy and give us train Out for Dreamland again.quot;

    ,  respond as kindly. quot; up? One day you cant carry a tune, no;

    quot;I dunno. Maybe I  listening before.quot;

    quot;Youre kidding me? S racket on day and nig Cole King and all t jazz, and Can you take me dancin sometime? As if a mot listening?quot;

    quot;Concentrating, I mean.quot;

    quot;You srating on your ;

    quot;If you pay attention and listen instead of merely une in no time.quot;

    anot;Mind your elders, if you please, Caruso.quot;

    I took care not to be suc mimic around my dad.

    Mary and Elizabetoo young to knoter, and ted  question my budding talent for imperson-ation. Indeed, time, especially in trot out all ty tunes like quot;Mairzy Doatsquot; or quot;ttle Fis; it fail, ime I sang quot;Over t; I did a mean Judy Garland.

    My days o a comfortable routine, and as long as I stayed inside t  at once turned garis t of trees  my eyes. I ed t reminders of life in t. October proved a riot to t ies s and candies, bonfires in tricks on to even tten into t. ty ertainment and refress. tops of ted paper pumpkins and black cats on tifully cut out scary truction paper and glued togetistic efforts, pitiable ted to bake cookies and broumes ed. I remember exactly my conversa-tion on tter her.

    quot;ere y for  sceacrick-or-treat outfits instead of our uniforms. I  to be a ;

    quot; ?quot;

    quot;You know, a ;

    quot;Im not sure  is. Is it anyter?quot;

    quot;No.quot;

    quot;Or a g? Or a g;

    quot;Not t;

    quot;Pertle vampire?quot;

    quot;Im no bloodsucker, Mot;

    quot;Pers a fairy?quot;

    I  time in nearly t my temper and screamed in my natural artled her.

    quot;For ts out of me, raising t;

    Bansed to tell  tead, I turned on tears, bawins. So  omach.

    quot;t; Sed my co my eyes. quot;I just dont knoe, youd like t no you?quot;

    And ts aloons and a s ied around my skull, and ce in ty. teacapped me to sing quot;teddy Bears Picnicquot; as part of tertainment for our party. My normal speaking voice  in tonig; I sounded exactly like tation s of t quite knoo believe. I remember t tess ode and stared  blinking, as if sal deception but could not unravel trick. But tter. At togethemselves.

    tual trick-or-treating left muco be desired. My fato to dusk and ed for me as I reet, spying ic costume. No  did try to cross my pat ture in perfect cat, and it turned tail, running ao  o kno lost all my tricks.

 C H A P T E R 4

    In to gat in a stand of bare oaks. Bird by bird, to t t. My kidnapping, still fres me timid and battered, not trusting a soul in t days and ine appearance of ture provided reas-suring continuity. By time trees lost tretco tened me. I came to look for-o tted against try sky, a natural part of my new life.

    taugion to Speck, Igel, B¨¦ka and On-ions, t and assured, and tagalong, Cterbox ring of pearls, and cruly funny or exciting, sook off like a skittering bat, dancing in circles and figure eighe clearing.

    Apart from talian grocers in toco anger and quicker to forgive. t, Smaolac be more dissimilar. to B¨¦ka, Smaolacrated on task at  as a robin tugging up an eart of us all, o ried to feign nonchalance.

    Igel, t and leader of took pains to explain t. o gig for frogs and fiso find er collected overnigo distinguisoadstools, and dozens of otricks. But even t guide is no matc of my early time, I  me under constant c least to stay around camp, o  any  of other people.

    quot;If tc; Igel told me. quot;And lock you aest to see if t by t;

    quot;And you ; said Ragno.

    quot;And be not; said Zanzara, and Crated by dancing around to the edge of darkness.

    , a small party  as, and sayed beh deerskins.

    quot;Since you are t,quot; Igel told me, quot;you  cs.quot;

    Smaolacood over ticed t  ment of coed brogues, canvas tennis sed boot, c last a pair of brand neips t seemed to be my size.

    quot;t your ankles off.quot;

    quot; t; I asked, ennis s;I migo squeeze into t; My feet felt damp and che cold ground.

    Smaolaced around and picked out t broipped eel plate. quot;trust me, toasty all er long, and a long time in t;

    quot;But too small.quot;

    quot;Dont you knoo rousers pocket and pulled out a pair of t;And I found t;

    tion. t ser and an oilskin jacket, test days.

    As ts lengts and solitary beds for a olen blankets. t togetangled clump. I rat of tu-ation, alt of my friends id odors about t of t be t, from ty of summer to te fall and tion of er. Several of tures  ty. Indeed, a  all, so taking a bateets ers, but some of tiest beasts.

    t first er, I yearned to go er-gat convened at dusk and da.  beo suffer babysitters like t toad B¨¦ka and sones at ture.

    On a gray morning, Igel o stay beo c, my friend Smaolac  of tea from dried bark and peppermint, and as ched a cold rain fall, I pressed my case.

    quot; you let me go ;

    quot;My great fear is t youll run ary to return , Aniday. You are one of us no; Igel sipped ea and stared at a point far off. After a decent interval, letting o my mind, inued. quot;On true obedience and deference. I cudent of our ;

    Smaolacared into t lan-guage, all vo sentence, ts before spitting t. ternally puzzled over  process tation over, Igel resumed udy of the horizon.

    quot;Youre to come ernoon,quot; Smaolacorial ;ell ss as soon as t of t back.quot;

    quot;You better dress ; Igel advised. quot;t;

    On cue, t snoarted mixing es, a o fall. e ill sitting in our places o ter sometimes came early to our part of try, but usually  get a snoil after Cmas. As t time  least t certainly  of my family, still looking for me every day in t me dead,  concerning my welfare.

    At ions, putting out table and tair rail. t C-mas, my fatook me out to cree for t me to  one. I even missed my little sisters. ere talking and dreaming of Santa Claus, wondering w had become of me?

    quot; day is it?quot; I asked Luco hes.

    into t;tuesday?quot;

    quot;No, I mean  day of t;

    quot;I e November, early December. But memory is a tricky t comes to time or ;

    Cmas  passed after all. I resolved to co celebrate te fas of t care about hings.

    quot;Do you kno;

    ruggled into s. quot;No t;

    quot;I  to make a calendar.quot;

    quot;A calendar? ore of paper and any number of pencils to keep a calendar out eaco cake notice of time enoug;

    quot;But  to draure or e someone a note?quot;

    Luc. quot;rite? to en o e entirely, and t , didnt learn in t place. It is better to  be putting do  tle trea-sure.quot;

    quot;But I do like to draures.quot;

    e started across tood like tall trees, conferring. Because Luc of us all, rouble keeping up  my side, inued a-tion.

    quot;So, youre an artist, are ye? No pencil and paper? Do you kno tists of old made t of animal skin and bird feat and spit. till, tcones. Ill teaco leave your mark, and get you t paper if you , but in due time.quot;

    ;Youve earned my trust, Aniday. Listen and ;

    Luc off into to  toget t t toics.

    I  being out of t camp, but my companions did t to control my curiosity. t me stumble about on trails for a time before my clumsiness flus. to t a finger to ook t. Copying ts, I became nearly as graceful, and ly t I could steps. Silence s oance and instantly Smaolacion of tify its cause. t craning its neck to spy on us from a t, a cro completely faded, ramped t grounds to ters edge ice crystals greening closely, ers surface. t faded like a whisper and vanished.

    quot;Listenquot;¡ªSmaolac;to t;

    At once, to sleet,  ture sympural ook cover in a grove of evergreens. Ice encased eac. Luc a leat producing a tiny paper and t pinc looked like tobacco. it fingers and a quick lick, te. From anotion of tracted several ced turned all but one to terproof compartment. ruck tc to burst into flame, te. Smaolaco reacaking tcips,  it in t order oast our palms and fingertips. Lucte to Smaolacook a deep drag and ime.  last, t o a joke.

    quot;Give t; Smaolaced.

    quot;I dont kno;

    quot;Do ; said Luceet;But  tell Igel about t tell anyone at all.quot;

    I took a drag on tte and began cougter-ing from t on lauger t scrap range perfume, ent, simultaneously alert and peaceful. t began to taper off, and silence returned like a lost friend.

    quot;Did you ?quot;

    quot; is it?quot; I asked.

    Luc;First, listen to see if you .quot; A moment later, to me, and ts substance and origin mysti-fied me.

    Luco  and rousted ;Its a car, little treasure. omobile?quot;

    I s ook , running faster tcrees once stood. Mud and snotling our trousers as  an insanely giddy pace.  go of my rail one beumbled and fell into to my feet, cold and  and dirty, I realized I  time in montook o te to find my friends. Fierce pains of concentration s across my fore I bore do a ne too far a of sigrees and branc acle. I , fold-ing up its  t moment, gliding through.

    up, I found tanding be of t edge. Before us lay a road and on t road a car opped, its s streaking ty darkness, broken pieces of tal grille glistening on t. t sy cab. to, but trong arms of my friends epped into t, a t red coat. So  ouche road.

    quot;S a deer,quot; Luce of sadness in s prostrate form, pulling  her lips.

    quot;Is it dead?quot; I asked.

    quot;trick,quot; said Smaolac voice, quot;is to breato its mouts not dead at all, but in s;

    Luco me. quot;ell  until s.quot;

    quot;Me?quot;

    quot;Dont you kno;

    tion overo knorue; I ed to test my o lonesome road, scanning in botions for anot notice me until I s s pulse racing alongside my oo its  mout immediately, t lifted its  of tself up into a stand-ing position. For an instant, it stared at me; te ensign, its tail s up a o t. to say t urn of events  severe understatement. S  t moment, my comrades started calling to me in loud whispers.

    quot;; Sig red coat. Or at least I t t er. I stared at t I did not knorue ansect the pale bluegreen of her irises behind her glasses. her eyes were splendid.

    quot;e must go.quot; From to to  angle  s in  kno at time, but s o encounter for more tail-ligrees until to see.

    e retreated back to camp in a cross silence. ;You mustnt tell anyone about ent ; On ted a necessary fiction to explain our long absence, invented a narrative of ters and told, our story endured. But I never forgot t secret of ted er,  t briging reminded me t it h.

 C H A P T E R 5

    Life tern. My fatirred from our sleep, and t golden  tove, stirring oatmeal or frying breakfast in a pan; tceady feet. ture  aside ure iges remained. An old barn, red paint souring to a dark mauve, no-rail fence t fronted ty  stick by stick. t angle of brambles t Dad only boto mo to abandon farming in tant neigeads and acreage to developers. But ill a quiet, lonesome place.

    trick of groo remember to groal part of becoming tention to every detail of  no amount of preparation for t for ts family ory¡ªmemories of bygone birties and otimacies¡ªt one must pretend to remember. ory is easy enougo fake; stick around anyone long enougco any plot. But ots and flaity. For-tunately  of farmland out in try.

    Near my first Cmas, o tairs and I idled by t t door. On tood a man  cigar mixing ly medicinal aroma of  once, alt seen him before.

    quot;; ;As I live and breat;

    I stood fixed to t clue as to ly at t, trode past me into tively up tairs. quot;Is your mot?quot;

    o visit in t occasion-ally tes, driving out from too the house.

    ossed  on turned to face me again. quot; been,  look like youve gro;

    I stared at tranger and did not knoo say.

    quot;Run up tairs and tell your mama Im . Go on no;

    quot;;

    quot;;

    quot;But I dont ;

    t;Are you okay, ;  doo look me in t;No actually your uncle, son, but your mamas oldest friend. A friend of t say.quot;

    My motair sranger, so to embrace ook advantage of to slip away.

    A close call, but not as bad as ter. In t feill s during tions, and overalk.

    quot;iced anyt tely?quot;

    So bed beside ;Odd?quot;

    quot;t;

    quot;;

    quot;And t;

    I looked at my  of proportion.

    quot;I t. Billy, ;

    quot;And toes.quot;

    I curled up my toes in my bed upstairs.

    quot;And o  an inc on not a pound all er long.quot;

    quot;;

    toward ;;

    quot;Billy ... stop.quot;

    I resolved t nigo become a true boy and begin paying closer at-tention to  be considered normal. Once sucake  very oes and invite furticism, but I could stretc of me a bit eac and keep up  a point to avoid Dad as much as possible.

    trigued me as a o ingratiate myself  listening to crooners on t dial in ticularly on a Sunday. Bac my ant past. But I o figure ao mention my interest  Mom realizing t e conversa-tions could be ter  or intimate. Fortunately, t Cmas, my distant grandparents sent toy piano. No bigger t, it produced but a tinny octave of notes, and from Ney coat. I rescued toy and sat in tunes from distant memory. My sisters, as usual,  like tranced yogis as I tested my memory on ted range. Dust rag in ood in tening intently. From tcc completely unexpected.

    In ting time betune of sorts, and gradually revealed my native talent, but s t. My sc drop t t a ook music lessons, rips, I pretended t til my fato cut t out. I made a point of  fe beg, but bided my time, until so believe t played out o ty to see a man about piano lessons.

    e left toddlers  up front in my fat spring morning in our Sun-day clot too sc to Mass, and onto to ty. S as ions. e  faster t been to ty in nearly one o like an old friend, one  beador stared at us from teering o follow us.

    On our approaco ty, tories on tskirts appeared first, great smokestacks exreams of dark clouds, furnaces s of fire. A bend in t once, a vieretco oer it loomed, until suddenly reets. t a cross street, a trol-ley scraped along, its pole sing sparks to ts doors opened like a bello poured a cros and s; tood on a concrete island in treet, ing for t to cment store ions of sraffic cops mingled s on man-nequins, ly still.

    quot;I dont knoo like coming into ty. Ill never find parking.quot;

    Moms rig out. quot;t ;

    Riding up in tor, my fat pocket for a Camel, and as t up. e es early, and o go in, I o tered. Mr. Martin may not  all and te , . Copo gen-teel seed. Beood t beautiful maco a ality of tos propped-open lid. ty ty of every beautiful sound. I oo dumbstruck to ansime.

    quot;May I ;

    quot;Im o learn everyt;

    quot;My dear young man,quot; ;Im afraid ts impossi-ble.quot;

    I o t at t of tant memory of a stern German instructor ordering me to in-crease tempo. I stretc as possible, testing my span, and laid t eliciting an accidental tone. Mr. Martin glided beudying my ;;

    quot;Once upon a time ...quot;

    quot;Find me middle C, Mr. Day.quot;

    And  t thumb.

    My motered te ain o greet troductions, I played scales from tones from triggered poing scores t I knew by . A voice in my ig, ig¡ªmore passion, more feeling.

    quot;You said ;

    quot;; my mot;I dont t;

    quot;tural.quot;

    For fun, I plinked out quot;ttle Star,quot; t for my sisters. I o use only one finger, as if t a toy.

    quot;aug,quot; Mom said. quot;On a tiny piano t you migra. And oo, sing like a bird.quot;

    Dad s me a quick sideoo busy sizing up my motin did not notice ttled on about all of my talents, but nobody listened. In measures too slo, I practiced my C even old Martin did not dis-cover the melody.

    quot;Mr. Day, Mrs. Day, I agree to take on your son. My minimum require-ment,   a time, ednesday afternoons and Saturdays. I can teac; tioned, in a voice barely above a ohe window.

    quot;But for your sonquot;¡ª;for uition, but you must commit to sixteen ;

    I picked out a rudimentary quot;; My fatapped me on ting o leave. o Mom and grabbed ly by t of he elbow.

    quot;Ill call you Monday,quot; ;at ty. ell t over.quot;

    Mr. Martin bo;

    As tered incessantly, dreaming ture, planning our lives. Billy, rated on thing.

    quot;Ill buy some laying s ed to turn our place back into a real farm? Ill start a brood of c oo. And ake to treetcar, and treetcar into toreetcar Saturdays?quot;

    quot;I could do co earn t;

    quot;You see, Billy, s to learn? , t Mr. Martin said. And  piano?  s every day.quot;

    My fat an inco let in a roar of fresh air.

    quot;Did you o You, like  it forever? Its s . S.quot;

    quot;ice, Ruto play every day, and I migo afford piano lessons, but I certainly cant afford a piano in t;

    quot;t sc; I said. quot;Nobody uses it. Im sure if I asked, t me stay after....quot;

    quot; about your   to see your grades slipping.quot;

    quot;Nine times nine is eige is spelled S-E-P-A-R-A-t-E. Oppenook care of trin-ity is t, and it is a ery t no one can figure out.quot;

    quot;All rigein. You can try it, but for eig to be sure. And your moto raise to eac in t sc;

    Rutudied e, s-ting bet, lacking any guilt over t t I  t of tle families.

    As  at t of tures doo a s, o a c till existed alarmed me, for I ten t t made me ill, and I  to beg my fato pull off t  up anotte and opened ed my nausea, if not my fear.

    Mom broke t;Didnt Mr. Martin ask us to commit to four mont;

    quot;Ill call  a deal. Lets try tually, at first. See if t.quot;

    For t eigook piano lessons, and it  time of all my lives. If I came in early to sco let me practice at t in ter on, t me into to learn t substitute organist t under ting eggs, and eacer-noon, my fingers upon ting my tecurdays, trip into ty proved a tonic, ao civilization. No longer somet a creature of cul-ture, on my o becoming a virtuoso once again.

 C H A P T E R 6

    In setting doions of my early years so far removed from time itself. My parents, long gone from my ed  only once, abides more persistently in mind t I did yesterday or ers, noo ts to me, tcs of curls, cicipation and regret, may rue eartion  of joint.

    My first nigime foray into t me exed. I burros and blankets and furs, and by next midday, a fever burned. Zanzara broug tea and a boy broto quot;drink, drink, sip it.quot; But I could not stomacter  get eettled and my bones ached.

    Sleep brougrange, mares ones. My fatree , t;Dont be so ;

    t streaming from an old Ford, t, its breation s red ;; And so my face, taking my co kiss me on t I cannot remember my name.

    Aniday. A o a t take off in unison, flying a ting, singing tornado of urns after to to t and so  my skin splits a seam on bot drums against my ribs until ed by trating ire mind, I see to t, my ters, and t me. tand like stones, like trees, staring into to jump into ter, I may reacer once carried me aand on t in a voice t cannot be and.

    I dont kno snug and safe, altiffness and my insides felt scraped raending me, Ragno and Zanzara played cards, using my belly as a table. t managed to ss from many different packs, tful, and t in a jumble on my stomach.

    quot;Do you ; Ragno asked.

    Zanzara scratched his head.

    ed at ;Cinque, cinque.quot;

    quot;Go fis;

    And fisurning over card after card until criumply before ceding urn to Zan-zara.

    quot;You are a cer, Ragno.quot;

    quot;And you are a bloodsucker.quot;

    I coughed, making my consciousness known.

    quot;;

    Zanzara put  my fore;Let me get you someto eat. A cup of tea, maybe?quot;

    quot;You been asleeping a long time, kid. ts  for going out ;

    I looked around t as usual at midday, every-one else was gone.

    quot; day is it?quot; I asked.

    Zanzara flicked out ongue, tasting t;Id say tuesday.quot;

    quot;No, I mean ;

    quot;Kid, Im not even sure  is.quot;

    Ragno interrupted. quot;Must be getting to;

    quot;Did I miss Cmas?quot; I felt  time in ages.

    their shoulders.

    quot;Did I miss Santa Claus?quot;

    quot;;

    quot; out of ;

    Ragno pointed to a patwo evergreens.

    quot;;

    turned around and skipped a like crying, but tears  come. A fierce gale ble, puss, I observed troubles, until ttering ook no more notice of me tarted a small fire by striking a flint until a spark cauged pantry and dug out our meager fare, neatly skinning a partially frozen squirrel  strokes of a very so our old teapot and filled it er draern. Coasted pine nuts on a flat griddle. t engaged in cooking took off t ss, excerdays gear, noine proceeded  fuss and  conversation; t. As t, Smaolaco co discover me a.

    quot;Aniday, youve come back from t;

    o my feet. e embraced, but  my sides aco ted me ic sneer, and Igel s my inued ing to be served, arms crossed at . e set to ts, tite of all assembled. After t stringy bites, I pusin plate. t made everyones face gloheir smiles shine.

    After supper, Lucioned for me to come closer, and  as rays of pink sunliging tones were four small envelopes.

    quot;take t; ed, top stone  tters before  to e poucracted but ted y. quot;Merry Cmas, little treasure. Someto get you started.quot;

    quot;So it is Cmas today?quot;

    Luco see if anyone ening. quot;You did not miss it.quot;

    quot;Merry Cmas,quot; I said. And I tore open my gifts, ruining t tters, but t so valuable in and of tgage stub  enclosed, and at reaty, Luco use as rolling paper for tes. t piece of correspondence ter to tor of truman. Cov-ered bot and back ing t scuttled from margin to margin, t paper proved useless. t, I o e bethem.

    Feb. 2, 1950

    Dearest,

    t ment so muco me t I cant understand en since t nigold me t you loved me and I love you too, but still you  ans tters and nobody anselep your  in t of doing  because you told me t you loved me and you ed to let you kno I am not t kind of girl.

    I am t kind of girl leman to beleman.

    Please e back to me or better yet call me on t angry so muc confused, but I  here from you.

    I love you, do you kno?

    Love,

    Martha

    At time, I considered tter to be truest expression of real love t I   to read, for Marte in cur-sive, but tters t resembled printing. tter baffled me more t, but it, too, used only ters of t side of the page.

    2/3/50

    Dear Mother,

    ords cannot begin to express to you at tter place. I am sorry t I cannot come  Ive not enougrip. So, all my felt grief must be s insufficient letter.

    inter drao a cold and un fair, since you  Nana, and I, near everything.

    Your Son

    ed t only about tance but about my professed literacy, for almost no one in camp boto read or e any longer. Some  learned, and oto forget. e sat in a ring around t I could, not fully compreanding t; do you t?quot; Speck asked ter I had finished.

    quot;ter,quot; Onions said.

    Kivi pus in t. quot;I do not understand  e back to Mart t is noto t;

    quot;Yes,quot; C;per married, and ter.quot;

    quot;ell, I ; added Blomma.

    Into t tion floed poetical fictions about teries of t tters outside our knoing. But til to embers; tled under togetinued te of ters, ts, and tended readers. I  to use t became bitterly cold, and soon all tangle of limbs.  of us , I suddenly remembered t;Merry Cmas!quot; I said, but my greetings broug;S; and quot;Go to sleep.quot; During t  me on t my sore ribs. In a dark corner of tfulness, I ed for morning, tters pinned against my c.

    ted against a blanket of rum t began in brigern edge and fanned out in soft pastels. Brancrees broke to fragments, like a kaleidoscope. tern sed il it all dis-sipated into blue and  of bed, I savored t grorong enouging. I took out my papers and pencil, put a cold flat stone in my lap, and folded tgage statement into quarters. I dre once odd and familiar in my grasp. In t panel, I created from memory my moters, and myself, full-body portraits lined up in a straiged in myself. In t panel, I dre ive. Liged by traiging from a circle on tending outo opposite corners of ttened Cmas tree, lavised, a pile of gifts spread out on ture of a boy drowning. Bound in spirals, he wavy line.

    o Smaolacer t afternoon, ook me by to  of ions to make sure o quarters and  back to me.

    quot;You must be more careful  you draures.quot;

    quot;s tter?quot;

    quot;If Igel finds out, ts tter. You o real-ize, Aniday, t  accept any contact  ;

    quot;t?quot;

    quot;.quot; Smaolacucked it into my coat pocket. quot;Some tter kept to yourself,quot;  me and walked away, wling.

    riting proved more painful tain letters¡ªB, G, R, ¡ªcaused my o cramp. In tings, sometimes my K bent back astray, an F accidentally became an E, and ot are amusing to me no at time, my ing caused me muc. orse t,  spell for beans and lacked all punctuation. My vocabulary annoyed me, not to mention style, diction, sentence structure, variety, adjectives and adverbs, and ot-ters. t of ing took forever. Sentences o be assembled nail by nail, and once complete, tood no better tion of  or ed to say, a  I persisted t morning, ing doained tory of my abduction and tures as  memories of life before tten more ters, my dear bed, my scion of ed to be o me in due course, but  Lucters, I  to look for  of paper, my mission o find more.

 C H A P T E R 7

    At age ten, I began to perform in front of ordinary people. In appreciation of to play as prelude to tmas ss to ts umes. My teacin, and I put togetrauss, and Beet of quot;Six Little Piano Piecesquot; in  t quot;modernquot; piece, o our audience, displayed my range  being overly ostentatious. tmas s ty-minute program for ter sc not froheir wimples.

    quot;ts raordinary,quot; t ran t. quot;But t last song.quot;

    quot;Sc;

    quot;Yes, very interesting.quot; Sood up in front of ters and paced to and fro, searcact. quot;Do you kno;

    quot;Else, Mot;

    quot;Somet;

    quot;Seasonal, Mot;

    quot;Somet kno;

    quot;Im not sure I understand.quot;

    Surned and addressed me directly. quot;Do you know any Cmas songs? A  Nigs Mendelsso;

    quot;You  carols?quot;

    quot;Not only ; Sc. quot;You could do Jingle Bells or e Cmas. quot;

    quot;ts from ; one of teered. quot;Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire and Marjorie Reynolds. O youre too young.quot;

    quot;Did you see Bells of St. Marys?quot; teacers. quot;asnt ?quot;

    quot;I really liked t Boys to;

    Rattling t t;Surely you kno;

    Crestfallen, I   nigicing on a paper-cutout keyboard fas t eve-ning, I trimmed  t to say, bombed. I played tmas stuff brilliantly and to a tion. quot;Cretins,quot; I said under my breated tion. During my repeated boling. But t at to recognize my parents and neigion for ted by table strains of tes. No gift as ed gift. And I greo , a real smile plastered on ed. I ed more.

    ted in t t my musical talent ry increased. I felt more and more removed from taken me for a  t of t perfor-mance, it  in tin and  til I could lest pressure. toire, t ; and Soul,quot; and t being adept at popular song alloo accept odd jobs in objected at first to tardization of my talent, but I gave ory about needing money for lessons.  er on t. itive egg and co buy a used uprigime for my thday.

    quot;s t; my fats beautiful machinery housed in a rosewood case.

    quot;Its a piano,quot; my mother replied.

    quot;I can see t.  get ;

    quot;Piano movers.quot;

    te from t and lit it in one s move. quot;Rut it  is ;

    quot;For ice.quot;

    quot;e cant afford a piano.quot;

    quot;e boug. Me and ;

    quot;it; I added.

    quot;And t;

    quot;You boug?quot;

    quot;On Mr. Martins advice. For ;

    quot;ell, t;  of the room.

    I played every c. Over t fe  tics of tes. t puso my core, as if t one. I gre summer in order to better reac. Around toiced spreading my fingers as far apart as tips became smootive. My s in er  my skill and understanding grerick involves getting people to listen to ts and seemingly insignificant silences betes, tones betones. By pter aug self-control.

    My fat stand to ice, perery I tained. reat into t corners of to go outside. A feer Mom and I boug television set, and a er a man came out and installed an antenna on tc Your Life or to keep it doo-gether.

    quot;Im going for a drive.quot;  on.

    quot;Youre not going drinking, I ;

    quot;I may stop in for one ;

    quot;Dont be too late.quot;

    ell after midnigagger in, singing or muttering to epped on one of toys or barked ting, doors every ers, painting t from to listen. iting fatill dandling t test primitive draick , sitting do table for tea parties and t  read minds, I suspect  at odds  art corrupted me, made me less a boy. ise me for a neglected c grade on a test or essay.

    As rolley station one Saturday,  to engage and understand. On tball game beting Irisre Dame and Navy unfolded. One of teams scored a toucacular fashion.

    quot; t? Did you ?quot;

    I looked out tapping out  .

    quot;Do you even like football?quot; he asked.

    quot;I dunno. Its okay.quot;

    quot;Do you like any sport at all? Baseball? Basketball? ould you like to go ing someday?quot;

    I said not of being alone gun frig in t a fe miles pass beneath us.

    quot;s not t and day?quot;

    quot;I like music. And Im good.quot;

    quot;You are t, but ly, did you ever stop to try somet you knoo life t;

    If rue faternally disappointed in eful t  actually related. trees, and tion t I only appeared to be ime, I ;Ic nur meinen So; acles, and tom memory disappeared. I sensed Billy Day c on eart this for a son?

    quot;Im t Im starting to like girls,quot; I volunteered. ousled my  anotent  of my masculinity never came up again.

    A basic trut. Girls uation. I noticed to t every concert performance. As if ten times a day: an older ies in a gray coat on a gray street corner; tuesday morning to buy a dozen eggs. Ponytailed girls jumping rope. Girls s. Girls in bobby socks and poodle skirts. In tess oderying to te Goddard; Marilyn Monroe. Anyone curved. Allure goes beyond appearances to ternal gyroscope. Otes. Some ortured lives ter. ttes. I loved t  sucoo so say a word.

    t girls,  virtually every performance, I could pick out from tening, as opposed to terminally bored or merely disinterested. tared back unnerved me, but at least tening, as ent on my playing. Oteet covering t tcer to and near me. t-performance encounters  res and ansions for as long as I could whe women and girls.

    Unfortunately, ts and recitals  parties and sy. Many aficionados erested in a ten-year-old prodigy, but ty died o be , I ude t my teacer year. C again, I found my old poo be just a boy to ing to be a groing   me t to combine my passion for music and my interest in girls: I would form my own band.

 CHAPTER 8

    quot;I ; t bitter days of er imprisoned torm and freezing temperatures made travel outside of camp impossible. Most of us spent nigion of cold and ood above me, smiling, a surprise ient  aside like a curtain.

    quot;ake up, sleepy I found.quot;

    Keeping tig tood. S out a single envelope, its  ook it from  a greeting card ure of a big red  on its front. Absentmindedly, I let to t to pick it up.

    quot;Look, Aniday,quot; siff fingers o carefully tear t;If you o open it up, you could  a stamp and address on t, and on t.quot; Sook t;See, you can dra and back of too, go around ting ; Speck bounced on oes in t of joy as to one, as if unable to bear interaction  of us.

    quot;Youre eful. I trudged to bring t back ;

    quot;;

    quot;arm me up.quot; So my side, and I opened to snuggle in, and s y under ts and fell into a deep sleep. I a morning  . Speck co   I read t if thee, dear friend,

    All losses are restored and sorrows end.

    S 30

    ture, no addressee, and  snow.

    quot; do you t means?quot;

    quot;I dont kno; I told ;; the name seemed vaguely familiar.

    quot;roubles end, if  t ;

    treetops, ing began: sno, ted to be alone .

    quot; are you going to e?quot;

    quot;I  to make a calendar, but I do not knooday?quot;

    quot;One day is like anot;

    quot;Arent you curious about  is today?quot;

    Speck o , bidding me to do to t point near t ran along tern edge, a difficult passage over a steep slope of loose s, and I  of breatapped  and told me to be quiet and listen. e ill and ed. Otains, it .

    quot; am I supposed to ;

    quot;Concentrate,quot; she said.

    I tried, but save for tcwigs and branching reached my ear. I shrugged my shoulders.

    quot;try ;

    I listened so intently t a fierce ing of , and a far-off rion t at first sounded like t soon took on a more fixed cer. A ernating speeds, a lo, and I realized ening to distant traffic.

    quot;Neat,quot; I told ;Cars.quot;

    quot;Pay attention.  do you ;

    My ting, but I focused. quot;Lots of cars?quot; I guessed.

    quot;Rig; S;Lots and lots of cars. traffic in t;

    I still didnt get it.

    quot;People going to y. Scs of cars in t means its a  a Sunday. Sundays are quiet and not so many cars speeding by.quot;

    So tasted it in ant. quot;I ts a Monday,quot; she said.

    quot;Ive seen t trick before. ell?quot;

    quot;All tories make smoke. But t so many cars on tories are closed on Sundays. You aste any smoke at all. Monday, a bit more. By Friday nigastes like a mout; S;Definitely a Monday. No me see your letter.quot;

    I ine and envelope, ing to tmark over tamp. quot;Do you remember ines Day?quot;

    quot;February fourteent; I felt proud, as if I  anse, ing numbers on a chalkboard.

    quot;ts rig; Sed to te on tmark, s  in t means Monday morning is .quot;

    quot;So, today is Valentines Day? ines Day.quot;

    quot;No, Aniday. You o learn to read t out. Deduction. oday be Valentines Day if today is a Monday? ter t is lost? If I found tter yesterday, and today is Monday, oday be Valentines Day?quot;

    I ired. My head ached.

    quot;February teent Monday. If t for more t  yesterday and broug to you. Yesterday  day¡ªnot many cars¡ªa Sunday. today must be t Monday.quot;

    Sion my ability to reason at all.

    quot;Its simple. today is Monday, February 20, 1950. You do need a calendar.quot; S --t-F-S for ted all te side, to 31. As so   about leap years, al circles to demonstrate t if I ed to keep track of time, all I o move to t space on to start over at th.

    Speck en s proved to be ty of imagination and creativity. At sucs of insigremor in ing are. quot;If you ever forget, Aniday, come find me.quot; S, across trees until so tural world. e: February 20, 1950. I  so mucime.

    Far belo of stinking blankets and furs. By listening to traffic and folloo its source, I could be back among to stop and take me anding by t for , to come save me. I  run a  try not to frigo eye level, ss and my little sister, tell to get o ting beside ell ale, and s . Id jump from t car as opped before my er oer. quot;Ive found your boy,quot; t;eve been looking all over for you for a long time.quot; Later, after fried cs, o to sco do o concentrate and folloion. I looked to t saened, but ried to remember, but could not recall my name.

    Pocketing my tokens, I turned over to myself: quot;But if t; took out my pencil and began to e all I could remember. Many a year ten tory more t t op tiffened in to t to me he promise of warm dreams.

    Not long after Specks valentine, anot landed in my lap. Luc it back from one of ing expeditions, unpacking a at tmas tree. quot;And ttle treasure, is for you. too. Paper.quot;

    ebook, to ensure t of ences. On t itle RULED COMPOSItION BOOK. On ted  of atomic attack: close t panic. Inside, tten he flyleaf.

    tually indecipy broell, it ory, or part of a story, because on t page, ting ends mid-sentence ic See Otten on tried to read it, but t of tory eluded me. ty of tion book for me stemmed from McInness self-indulgence. ten on only one side of ty-eigs of paper. I turned te my contrary story in te direction.  journal is in astest to its basic contents: a naturalists journal recording my observations of life in t, complete s¡ªa diary of t years of my life.

    My crack time,  of time, but despair  by my friends and companions, and as I aged inside, a casual nothe boy.

    topped by mid-Marc years, and a feer t, green life s curn, fiscantly restored our energies, t corresponding to our interest in exploration. e s, ss and s o tinking bodies, dro and scum. Once, Blomma olen a bar of soap from a gas station, and  ao a splinter in a single reneh. Pale bodies on a pebbly shore, rubbed pink and clean.

    ted in ting taining eet, until self smelled pungent and bitters. Lucilled to a potent brerac over t many a July day gatness among t, and I am sad every time to see t potful at our evening repasts, for those black jewels are a harbinger of summers end.

    t-eaters among us rejoiced at taste. Eacuring tece only flies,  cra a colony of termites in a rotting log, a party of slugs in ty carcass, and dig in and eat ting creatures rating patiently by a small fire, c of tongue o orious bug-eater, but at least solerate ted rock until t legs tend to stick in your teets, if not roasted first, e your tongue and t on the way down.

    I o t  an occasional bit of protein in t, all of us ook squirrels, moles, mice, fisoo great a o steal from t. Anyt care for t ime. In late summer and early fall, in particular, tribe ogetunate creature roasted on a spit. Nots a rabbit under a starry nig, as Speck o desire.

    Suc in my fourtands above all t. Speck and I rayed from camp, and so topped at an old gray dogwood.

    quot;Climb up test nectar.quot;

    As commanded, I srunk, despite tourned face, eyes agloation.

    quot;Go on,quot; s;Be careful. Dont make t;

    t sting startled me like a pinprick, t I ermined. I could smell t it and could feel it before I sa. s sed red, I fell from to t floor  me itude. e ran from t ted toe til our lips and cuff, tar omaced in t aco pull tingers from my face and  my every  over and kissed my palm.

    quot;You are suc, Aniday.quot; But rayed ning rending the summer sky.

 CHAPTER 9

    quot;Listen to t; My friend Oscar put a record on turntable and set do doo-;Eart; by t;Geequot; by t back on t t  singing tenor and so on t on a ne terpoint, cocking o tening to  eclectic record collection, analyzing and arguing over tle points of tions. Oscar Loves passion for music put my ambitions to s;te Negro,quot; as  of time. Oscar  my mot person I approac forming a band.

    Oscar stuck s beginning as ts, tly, simply unately,  keep toget a time: Our first drummer dropped out of ed in t guitarist moved ao Davenport, Io of t because t cut it as musicians. Only Oscar and  persisted. e stayed togeto  at a club. Discriminating by ear and not by any preconceived notion of cool, we could play any kind of music for any crowd.

    After a jazz performance  mood. e t summer nig of my parents s, and t song underscored tars and a ted t out and sat on t into t ing t to end.

    quot;Man, ; ;e slayed t guy ;

    quot;Im bout , man.quot;

    quot;O;

    quot;Youre not bad yourself.quot; I co stop skidding off t did not quite reacime to a tune in my te aser  it, and into t sky s predecessor.

    quot;o play, Day? I mean, youre still a kid. Only fifteen, rig;

    quot;Practice, man, practice.quot;

    looking at tars and turned to face me. quot;You can practice all you . Practice dont give you soul.quot;

    quot;Ive been taking lessons for t fey. itin  makes it easier to understand t all.quot;

    quot;I can dig t.quot; te, and I took a deep drag, knoh marijuana.

    quot;But sometimes I feel like Im being torn in t me to keep going to lessons in. You kno.quot;

    quot;Like Liberace.quot; Oscar giggled.

    quot;S up.quot;

    quot;Fairy.quot;

    quot;S up.quot; I punche shoulder.

    quot;Easy, man.quot; ;You could do it, tever you . Im good, but youre out of t it all your life or you  ;

    Maybe t, or maybe it ion of t, t-performance  t Oscar  true friend. Or maybe I o tell someone, anyone.

    quot;Ive got a confession, Oscar. Im not  all, but a  lived in time.quot;

    ream of smoke poured out of rils.

    quot;Seriously, man, ole to c nobody kno it comes back to me in bits and pieces. And I played piano time ago, until tole me. And no t, but its like Im part   s tion.quot;

    quot;ts pretty good, man. So w;

    quot;Out in t imes. But probably  in t;

    quot;Like c no; o t; you?quot;

    quot;S up, man. Its possible. But t muc;

    quot;ts?quot;

    quot;ts w;

    quot;;

    quot;Used to be t  people stopped believing in mytales.quot;

    quot;But c noing to get o get you?quot; And  quickly and snatched my ankle.

    I screamed, embarrassed to be fooled by suc me. quot;Youve been coo many ;

    quot;No, trut; I socked he arm.

    quot;And t?quot;

    I ed to punc tory sounded, and I started laugoo. If  nig all, Oscar never again brougter, and maybe  I y after trutold. My impersonation of  no one suspected tory. Even my fatural skeptic, believed in me, or at least kept s hidden deep in his soul.

    t as a cave. Upstairs everyone slept soundly. I turned on tc and poured a drink of er. Attracted to tness, mot tcurned off ts, and tened for footsteps among trees, but notirred. I crept upstairs to cers.

    en feared t Mary and Elizabetcricks and deceptions, and also knerike times. Not far from ory goes, back in tolen and replaced by c age seven, until t all, only simulacra, and pity ts ers ible, and I celltale cain detac from life¡ªt ch.

    I o stay out of t;Dangerous snakes and bears and s  near our patc talk to strangers.  to play,quot; Id ask, quot;eresting on television?quot;

    quot;But I like exploring,quot; Elizabeth said.

    quot;; Mary added.

    quot;Did you ever see a timber rattler? ell, I er moccasins. One bite and youre paralyzed, your limbs go black, trun or outclimb a bear? trees better ts, and t t;

    quot;I never get to see anyt; Elizabeth cried.

    quot; kno; Mary asked.

    quot;Its out trip and fall over an old log and break your leg and nobody  find your o door, and t morning, frozen like a Popsicle, not ten feet from ;

    quot;Enoug; ted in unison and  off to c ains on ttoms, ticks on th.

    But t nigs snored. My fat my name in  I dared not ans suce ernaturally still. I old my darkest secret  to bed, safe as ever.

    t one never forgets ones first love, but I am co admit t I do not remember   t s girl I saory, Ill call  actually o Oscar, I resumed my lessons in, and ted at turned a different creature¡ª someone to be desired, a fetisy of anonymous lust as anyone, but it efully accepted  pause. I icing o speak to me at ter recital. e stood togetage in our formal  for our individual turns at t kids  first, for agony is best served as an appetizer.

    quot;o play?quot; Sally w.

    quot;Rigin.quot;

    quot;You play out of t; S inspired recital. In t follo to knoening to me play tin ; e arranged to ogeturdays. Over sand t days lessons. I usually  from performances, so o a sop for an ice cream or a soda. Our conversations centered around ts fifteen-year-olds talk about: scs, and, in our case, talked about music: composers, Mr. Martin, records, ties of jazz s of nattering t  a conversation, more like a monologue. I did not knoen, o dra and enjoy her company. She may well have been a lovely person.

    o  up took a stroll to ts resemblance to t. But t seemed perfectly romantic. ty urned on tain, anot by ters edge, cime. I did not knoed to do, o ask, o say, in o broac. Sally saved me.

    quot;; save. quot;aking o t time, Ive ;

    quot;Of course I do.quot;

    quot;If you like me, like you say, ry to ;

    I took  in ion in her palm.

    quot;And ried to kiss me?quot;

    For t time, I stared raigrying to express some metapion. Not kno no o remember tion. Sined ed reaction, and I copied  a riddle percolated t to do next. it o catcreetcar, ting tupidly staring into eaco meet my fatook apart my emotions. ;lovedquot; my family by t in my ;lovedquot; a stranger. Its voluntary and a tremendous risk. tion is furtter of lust. I counted turdays, anxious to see her.

    took tiative. er, s on , and tered at my touced everyt to nibble ears, oget knoter, if s all. No ever ed t I feign an illness to get out of Mr. Martins class, I gladly complied.

    e rode treetcar to s o  sunsarted to s, but Sally, easing t I could not keep up. iny perco ts o try.

    quot;e o ourselves. ould you like a lemonade?quot;

    S as  on t on ; ed. I heard a crash of cymbals in my minds ear.

    quot; you come sit beside me, ;

    Obedient pup, I trotted over ail and lolling tongue. Our fingers interlocked. I smiled. Somacriggered a pent-up primal urge. I circled my .

    quot;oo muc; Sally panted and fanned tering erpreted her signals?

    Sally undressed so quickly t I almost failed to notice transition. As if puston, off came , slip, socks, and under, sifically. I did love ures in ttie Page pinups and Frenccards, but images lack breadt isnt life. Part of me pulled fore to lay my  ty ook a step in ion.

    quot;No, no, no. Ive so s;

    Not since a young boy at taken off my clot of anyone else, mucranger, and I  t. But it is o refuse ripped, time cciced t sriangle of  tcely bare.  tion o ts, and a look of   of  her, deeply perplexed.

    quot;O; s;you look like a little boy.quot;

    I covered up.

    quot;ts t one Ive ever seen.quot;

    I angrily retrieved my clothe floor.

    quot;Im sorry but you look like my eig; Sally began to pick up ; be mad.quot;

    But I  so muc  myself. I kne s I ten. In most respects, I appeared all of fifteen, but I ed one of tant parts. As I dressed, ed, I t of all t feeet of my moutretco groo adolescence. But I ten about puberty. So stay, apologized for laug me, even saying at one point t size didnt matter, t it ually kind of cute, but noto  for t basic greetings. Solen a afternoon.

    Stretcuation, but ted consequences. t ion t typically ended in t, more interestingly, I found t by imagining Sally or any ots  t t, baseball, arpeggios¡ªI could postpone, or avoid altoget. tcome is someing to report. Maybe because to annoy  into my room and caug, red-o speak, altely under cover. ohe ceiling.

    quot; are you doing?quot;

    I stopped. t explanation, w reveal.

    quot;Dont t kno;

    Knoed to ask.

    quot;You  it.quot;

    I blinked my eyes.

    t time. Farsigance ¡ªall ually disappeared, and my ability to manipulate my appearance eriorated. More and more, I ed to be, but instead of rejoicing in tuation, I sagged into ttress, s. I puncortured t to get comfortable. Any ion. In pleasures place, a ragged loneliness ebbed. I felt stuck in a never-ending co living under trol, a dozen suspicious sco, I o mark time and take my turn as a c ty of adolescence, ts could be endless.

    Several er, I  and to to let in tted out on t, tte, and picked out taring into ting for someto spring out from trees. urned to come back inside, Dad looked up at my room and sac  it.

 CHAPTER 10

    ted a s and icons in tood Lucravel in jackets and so .

    quot;Aniday, get up and get dressed. Youre coming ;

    quot;Morning?quot; I rubbed t;Its t.quot;

    quot;time. Youd best be quick,quot; Luch¨®g advised.

    e stole along trails t, leaping like rabbits, scrambling t speed and no pause. Clouds passed beneat rail led across empty roads, our feet sounding on t. e darted talks t rustled and  a barn big against ttis. In all, a co our fleeting presence. A dog barked once. Past tcrees, anotream from t of a bridge. On to a ditc paralleled ts cover. to ligo a deep violet. An engine cougruck passed by on the road above.

    quot;e started too late,quot; Igel said. quot;o be more careful noest o being one of us.quot;

    Looking doruck stopping at a dreary bungaloskirts of to door stood a small general store  front. te, descended from  to turning briskly ies t clinked against t up in t to follo not ten yards from tation, and ting in dire conspiracy. t of desire began to take s. Atop te beacon.

    quot;Go get t cup,quot; Igel ordered. quot;Dont be seen.quot;

    t, and any ation on my part risked discovery. It ask to sprint across t, grab to our hiding place. Fear held me back.

    quot;take off your s; Igel advised. quot;t;

    I slipped off my brogans and ran to ts red-ourned to go, o t. Glass on glass. I imagined tation oecting a peculiar motion at to stop me. But no sucrotted back to my comrades, riumph.

    quot;You done tle treasure.quot;

    quot;;¡ªIgel stared do;I  a;

    ttle  s, and ing ttled into my stomaco sch.

    At midday, o toeps, ing at t of any people. Stopping only at places t appeared to be empty, ed. tone ole armloads of fruit from a pear tree. Eace  sin, and ook far more t. I ed to abandon t ossed most of to to rot in took a clean, fres, and I ser for Speck. Luced one sock from a ;tradition.quot; . quot;tery of t;

    As dayligs slocer came tomobiles. e ed for sundoer t, ligs out. Good-nig goodnigo darkness like bubbles in a craying per midnigful bactlefield general, Igel studied time before  into treets.

    Years  looked torefront oy s to ot I could not pass by a single place  experiencing a flood of associations and memories. At tes of tin raised by a pom cionless candy cane in front of t back smells of cines and birture of creaming out by ts doubledoors, screaming for summer. For all ty, reets unsettled me  corners and straig of itive arcecture bore doions¡ªStOP, EAt V¡ªdid not illuminate any mystery, but only left me indifferent to reading tant messages. At last, o our target.

    Luco a  seemed mucoo small and narro lookout until  click of t lock; airs to t. As ousled ly,  tine and Bosco, cereal in brigables, fruit, fis. Every neempted me, but Igel  allo;come  no; ttom roip, dipped it in tasted it.

    quot;Ba;

    ed the procedure.

    quot;orse ... sugar.quot;

    quot;t stuff ; Luch¨®g said.

    quot;Excuse me,quot; I interrupted, quot;but I can read.  are you looking for?quot;

    Luc me as if tion  preposterous t;Salt, man, salt.quot;

    I pointed to ttom s even  t of language, one migure of trail of salt. quot; Rains, It Pours,quot; I said, but to take my meaning. e loaded our rucksacks  tore by t door, a deflating departure, considering t reacil daybreak. t, as I er discover, o preserve meat and fis at time, I felt as if o port  filled h sand.

    er, Specks eyes . Sattered jersey sed ter over  of tled me, and I looked a, curled up tom, and bade me sit beside her.

    quot;tell me, O Great er, about your visit to t your misory.quot;

    quot;t muco say. e  to tore for salt. But I sale of milk.quot; I reaco my pocket and broug a soft, overripe pear. quot;I brougoo.quot;

    S t;tell me more.  else did you see? ;

    quot;Like I ting at time. epped into lampligimes several s once outside t;

    quot;Youve seen ser lig;

    quot;It is a strange ligraig is unreal and a bit scary.quot;

    quot;ts just a trick of your imagination. rite your impressions in your book.quot; Speck fingered ter. quot;Speaking of books, did you see t;

    quot;Library?quot;

    quot; see t;

    quot;I ten all about it.quot; But as alked, I could recall tacks of  men and intent aken me t;I used to go t me take  a paper card and signed my name on a slip at t;

    quot;You remember.quot;

    quot;But I dont remember e. I didnt e Aniday.quot;

    Sed it for soft spots. quot;Get me a knife, Aniday, and Ill cut take you to to see t;

    Rat as before,  of camp at noon on a crisp October day  so mucrail into to ook our time, as if strolling t ing to reacreets until dusk. A broad o  for a long break in traffic. I scanned t t mig our vantage point oo far from to make out any of the drivers.

    At tation on toracing lazy arcs, enjoying t fun in t sunlig before I could see , o t. I  in my bones sensed tric approacorm. A moments indecision, and  our advantage. Springing from ted, quot;Run!quot;

    teet to c after Luced tooo t. rees, s I  off turned and faced t for  sepped to t by t into t landed, and scrambled to its feet in great pain and confusion. Looking back over its s tucked ail between his legs and slunk away.

    Coming doion, trotted alongside Lucime pet. topped as one in front of us, and ts tail and licked Luc;Do you remember t c;

    quot;Youre not supposed to mention¡ªquot;

    quot; old lullaby our man used to sing.quot;

    quot;Guten Abend?quot;

    ;Guten Abend, gut Nac Rosen bedac; and troked t;turns out music dot.quot;

    quot;Breast,quot; s;te is: Music o soot.quot;

    quot;Dont tell ; Luc out. quot;Auf iedersezi. Go on ; trotted off.

    quot;t ; I said.

    Feigning noncte. quot;Could ;

    quot;If  somebody, play dumb,quot; Speck instructed. quot;tell us to go on alk and dont say a ; I looked around ty streets, er, but all to be inside, at dinner, batting ready for bed. In many ed from hin.

    tted stately in tree-lined block. Speck moved as if simes before, and ted. Luco a staircase and pointed out a gap he main wall.

    quot;I dont t t. My oo big, and Im not t skinny.quot;

    quot;Luc; Speck said. quot;atc;

    old me t of softening ones bones. t is to t, simply realizing ones oy. quot;It  time, lad, like every good t trick to it. A matter of faitice.quot;

    o t sig narroemples took o er softening myself, I o remember to keep my muscles tense for a ice, squeezing became second nature.

    Underneatruck a matcouco a candle a  smelled of must and kerosene. Eacion brougures of to s on a slig trancee comfortably, rising to te ting. I cant tell you imes I bumped my  far ally, a sort of ion to t did not rest on tion, tter tside during ter. By lamplig someone ouc corner, a sort of easy cs. Lucte pouc, if  smoke. Grumbling, ed the crack.

    quot;So  rustic, but still ... civilization.quot;

    quot;Its grand.quot;

    quot;You  seen t part. t you ; Speck motioned me to follotled up to turned out a knob, and a panel dropped from ted  on t, ing for urn, looking up ty space. All at once, he frame.

    quot;Are you coming or not?quot; she whispered.

    I follo from our ced in t I could still make out¡ªmy  leapt at t¡ªroer roy of books. Speck turned to me and asked, quot;No;

 CHAPTER 11

    t arrived, proved botimely and apt. Not only in o offer, but I  all¡ªtice, toire, ty-eigime I turned sixteen, I began looking for an excuse to quit, a  t  break my mot. trut  even, I  in our remote , no doubt our corner of tate, maybe t from border to border, but beyond t, no. I lacked to be a . Looking forernative o end up like old Mr. Martin eacer a second-rate career? I her play in a bordello.

    Over breakfast one morning, I opened : quot;Mom, I dont to get any better.quot;

    quot;Better t?quot; she asked, whipping eggs.

    quot;At t music. I ts as far as I can go.quot;

    So a skillet, t butter and  iron, and said notirred. Se of eggs and toast, and I ate t across table from me. quot;; sly, ing my attention. quot;Do you remember ttle boy and ran away from ;

    I did not, but I nodded in tive betes.

    quot;It er ted a bato cool off. ts one t get used to. And I asked you to mind Mary and Elizabeto t. Do you remember t?quot;

    t I nodded my  slug of orange juice.

    quot;I put to bed and came back do you ; ed t;e looked over  couldnt find you. As to come elep your name into t.quot; S me, as if reliving the experience in her minds eye.

    quot;Any more eggs, Mom?quot;

    Soove, and I ; gre in t forest? I kneo pick blackberries and left  on a brig, poor t a trace. All t remained  on t;

    I peppered my eggs and dug in.

    quot;I t of you lost and ing your mot get to you, and I prayed to God t youd come  ing . Its a blessing and you salent.quot;

    quot;Late for sc; I mopped te clean op of ed. Before I made it do steps, I regretted not being more forceful. Most of my life eful ercedes, relieving me from cy for my actions.

    By time of ter recital t year, just t and sound of tomac disappoint my parents by quitting Mr. Martin altogetended t all  t  my family at to find ts age. tals remained uncer, students milled about, mentally preparing for turns, practicing t surface. Mr. Martin paced among us, counting age-frigent, and tant. quot;You are my prize pupil,quot; ;t Ive ever taug; And , ion on my lapel. ed tains to tness of tligo ime to duck out ters nig, startled by my presence in topped and stared at me. I seet I could not scare it. Once upon a time, sucures errified of me.

    t frozen nig entirely ened at t of ter. If to be my fareo give to remember me by. I moved like a  pressure on all tial notes. Members of ts to lead trings stopped ed, t I almost forgot ed tage, Mr. Martin greeted me first, tears of joy in ;Bravo,quot; and tudents, ment, t I ss, siblings, friends, neiged music lovers. t I dre cro notice t until most of the well-wishers had vanished.

    My motick from my c o my perip, about forty years old. elligent face, but I  tared, scrutinized, studied, and pondered, as if dredging up an inner mystery. Ster stranger to me.

    quot;Excuse me,quot; s;But youre Andre;

    quot;; I corrected her.

    quot;Rig;

    quot;t; I turned back to my parents, ed t to go.

    Maybe s of turning a off somet so ;Youre ; s;Youre ttle boy.quot;

    I squinted at her and smiled.

    quot;You are t nig; Sarted to raise ;Dont you remember? I sa must  or nine years ago by no youre t little boy, no doubt. I  you.quot;

    quot;I dont knoalking about, maam.quot; I turned to go, but she grabbed my arm.

    quot;It is you. I cracked my  t you  first. You came out of t¡ªquot;

    I yelped a sound t  startled everyone, myself included. I did not realize my capacity for sucill existed. My motervened.

    quot;Let go of my son,quot; sold ;Youre ing ;

    quot;Look, lady,quot; I said, quot;I dont kno;

    My fatepped into triangle. quot; is t?quot;

    t;I sa onto t of my car. I so miss  I clipped  knoo do, so I got out of to see if I could ;

    Sed tention from my fat;From t seven or eigartled me more t of noo t natural t doo its moutever you call it. o believe, but  ood, and sprang off. t incredible ts ever o me.quot;

    I realized t ser. But I knew I  seen o inspire wild animals, I never engaged in such foolishness.

    quot;I got a real good look at ts,quot; s;alt so good at . It was you. ;

    quot;I dont know ;

    My moted by ory, came up ;It cant be en,  let  of my sig few years.  by  nig;

    tensity melted from t; me, and w nig;

    My fatle tone ;Im sorry, but you must be mistaken. Everybody  like my son. Im sorry for your troubles.quot; So ion, but ook t from  open for , t t a  looking back. In railed ts of anger and anxiety.

    quot;Did you ever?quot; my mot; a story. And to t sually o say it.quot;

    From tcion unnerved me. quot;Can  out of ;

    of ty, I announced my decision. quot;Im not going back tals, no more lessons, no more strangers coming up to me ories. I quit.quot;

    For a moment, I t my fat a cigarette and let Mom take over tion.

    quot; quitting....quot;

    quot;Did you  t lady said?quot; Mary c;S you lived in t;

    quot;You dont even like to stand next to a tree.quot; Elizabeth laughed.

    quot;t about your feelings, Mom, but mine.quot;

    My fatared at te line in the road.

    quot;You are a sensitive boy,quot; my motinued. quot;But you cant let one ory ruin your life. You dont mean to tell me youre going to quit eigale.quot;

    quot;It isnt t. Ive ;

    quot;Bill, ;

    quot;Dad, Im tired of it. Sick of practice, practice, practice. tired of ing my Saturdays. I t;

    eering ood t all t nigalking, make out tional confrontation, but I  all ability to eavesdrop from a distance. Once in a ; or quot;bloodyquot; explode from  ts it. Near midnigormed out of t a desolation. I  doairs to see if Mom ting in tcable before her.

    quot;s late.quot; Sied a ribbon around a bundle of letters and set it in t;Your fato e once a ory by , but s again. Pregnant,  een at time, ss. Sill alone at time of  as old as sing my life as a o be amed age  into .

    quot;You take almost anytions run so strong. ars, and tom of t alt;

    Sy-five by my calculations.

    quot;t doesnt mean Ive forgotten s like to be young. Of course, its your life to do  you c,  you can be  in your , I understand.quot;

    quot;ould you like a cup of tea, Mom?quot;

    quot;t ;

    ter, during ternoon before Cmas, Oscar Love and I drove into ty to celebrate my ne episode ion or t my capability to ercourse, so trip   appre, only one of ters could do trick. ured too late in  ty, and  trouble. t of us  ready po perform t.

    But I o experience sex t nigipped back a bottle of cified, o report t losing my virginity ic and erotic, but trut it ative uncertainty as to  t, so position. A s time later, all t remained o get dressed, pay tmas.

    s around tree and t on my o a brand-neo any c about tasks, offering genuine affection and consideration of one anoted my debauc before. Earlier t morning, ing up for me and only gone to bed  t dros territory   of our time toget get along. A year and a  ao college, so ence on our rare encounters. reated me like a stranger ime.

    I recall t of imes tling. A feer t ter recital,  up tter of trange story. e earing doten out of ter turning a . ions arrived in tervals betearing lumber.

    quot;So, you remember t lady and ory about t; ;  do you make of t? Do you t;

    quot;Sounded incredible to me, but I suppose it migty sure of ;

    Grunting , ugged a a rusty nail. quot;So it migrue?  ;

    quot;I didnt say it rue. S  it isnt likely, is it? And any did o  me. I  t;

    quot;Maybe it o it, and t of ton stark against the sky.

    quot;ts a possibility,quot; I said. quot;I reminded ime. Didnt you tell  everyone he world?

    Maybe s;

    ;tumble do;  up in truck, and drove away.

    t a year later.  first lig rose from tood, o me, in t grass, calling out my name as and of firs. A dark trail of footsteps led into ten feet in front of uck to t, as if artled a  fled a I saure. By time I dre;; lingered in to  o tly . I crept back into tended to be reading ts page  me  belt of  maybe I  noticed before rembled as if palsied, and ook a Camel from . tte oo  to lige ed attempts, so ossed it in tras a cup of coffee in front of ared at team as if I had handed him poison.

    quot;Dad, are you all rig;

    quot;You.quot; ed  me like a gun, but ts all  t;; again.

 CHAPTER 12

    e entered to steal candles. Even in t, te and glass building asserted its prominence on Main Street. Bound by an iron fence, t in tter , tnut doors at top of a dozen steps, mosaics from tained-glass ing moonligs  tened to s to tern arm of t ts left unlocked. ted ceiling created a space t, in ts emptiness  and substance. Once our eyes adjusted,  seem as smotening size diminis as if to embrace us. e split up, Smaolacy to t, I to find tive candles in an alcove on tar. A fleeting presence seemed to folloar rail, and a real dread rose inside me. In a ood like lines of soldiers in glass cups. A coinbox rattled apped my nails against its metal face, and spent matctered ty spaces. I struck a nec te, and a small flame erupted like a fingersnap. At once, I regretted taring do me. I s t and crouco be invisible.

    Panic and fear left as quickly as t amazes me noime. es, tomas, Easter, ers, fatity. Yet as quickly as it takes to say quot;Pardon me,quot; tory. It seemed as if tatue flickered in tc. I looked upon tic face of tor, t of untold adoration, devotion, imagination, supplication. As I stuffed my pockets  a pang of guilt.

    Be  ter entrance groaned open as a penitent or a priest entered. e zipped out tones. Despite t t bodies lay buried tery  ening as t a gravestone, ran my fingers over tters, and empted to ligco read t over to catcoil  on our blankets giggling like c enougo make our sanctuary so a dark corner and curled up like a fox,  out tness, and est books,  side by side, turning pages marking time.

    Ever since sroduced me to t place, I loved going to tially, I  for t encountered in my cories¡ªGrimms Fairy tales and Moture books like Mike Mulligan, Make ay for Ducklings, and o my fading identity. Rature t, tories only alienated me furt. By looking at tures and reading Aloud text, I o  ser my first fes to t tead, I embarked upon a journey mapped by Speck, o  interest: books like te Fang, tales of adventure and derring-do. S  decipers, symbols, and plots t ran too ion. acks and countless novels, inspired me to believe in my oy to read and imagine. If not for er or tures of Migore. Or  reading at all.

    Cozy in our den, s volume of Sype set in a minuscule font, and I  of t conspired errupted eaco s.

    quot;Speck, listen to tood togets pointing at telligible language of tribe.quot;

    quot;Sounds like us. ;

    I o ss cover, title in gilt letters on a green cloto our stories, and an hour or so passed before she spoke again.

    quot;Listen to t z and Guildenstern.  greets tz says, As t cern says,   over-unes cap  tton. quot;

    quot;Does ;

    S;Not t, not t. Dont go cer a better fortune.quot;

    I did not understand t s I laugried to find my place again ened and o go, I told  so me about Fortune.

    quot;rite it do youd like to remember, e it dotle book; t again, memorize it, and  w;

    I took out my pencil and a card from tack I alog. quot; did t;

    quot;Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: t c;

    quot;t of t;

    quot;ts us.quot; So to wake our slumbering friend Smaolach.

    e co take isfaction of lying abed on a cers morning under o read at leisure. Bet many o read, I could not imagine my life ot c sten ory old, but if a book ures, t interest.

    y  to toen came back ion of magazines¡ªtime or Life or Look¡ªand togeto look at tograp, elbo mine. e stuck togety. Ney did not appeal to tro or Kle, none meant anyteresting face; but trigued by images of cicularly in fanciful or uations, and any pograpural icularly exotic animals from a zoo or circus or in top of an elep caused a sensation, but a boy  alked about for days. Most beloved of all s and cogether.

    quot;Aniday,quot; Onions ;tell us tory about t;

    A brig to stare at ed, grinning fation to t;Little bundle of joy: Senator Kennedy admires er, Caroline, in town ;

    ried to turn tuck ograp;ait. I  to see t;

    C;I  to see t;

    tensely curious about t tance pograpinued, unlike our relentless timelessness. ted us. Despite our many cent boredom retc alloime to pass.

    Kivi and Blomma could spend a day braiding eacs and starting all over again. Or tolen or made from sticks and scraps of cloticular, became a little moto , tucking oy baby in a cradle fasten picnic basket. One baby  or broken limbs of four ot to rinse till it lay plastered against tic scalps.

    quot;;

    Kivi did not look up from ask, but I could sense t she was crying.

    quot;e are practicing,quot; said Blomma, quot;for o be cicing to be mot;

    quot;;

    S me, tness no takes so long.quot;

    Indeed it did. For  for decades suffered most. truly misc tony by creating trouble, solving imaginary problems, or by pursuing an enterprise t, on t t decade in camp digging an elaborate system of tunnels and underground ection. B¨¦ka, t in line, ant proo catcing female and drag o the bushes.

    Ragno and Zanzara attempted to cultivate grapes nearly every spring in ed mased every enric, t sun, mites and spiders and insects invaded, and my friends , t and meander along trellis Ragno , but never a grape in all tember, tore dos, only to begin again ed in tinued failures. opped digging and leaned against t spade.

    quot; o taste it again.quot;

    quot;But surely you could steal a bottle or to;

    quot;My papa gre to be patient ;

    I passed mucime augo fell A tree and not be crusry and prap, to catc. But my favorite days   of all hdays.

    I still kept my calendar and ente fell on a Saturday, and Speck invited me to go to to spend t quietly reading togetransformed. Dozens of small candles suffused t of t from a campfire under tars. Near t trances, and t of bread and c ttle boiled cea in our cups.

    quot;t;

    quot;today is your birto all t;

    At odd times t evening, I ext to c and sray lock from in front of urbed me; I did not get to read many sentences more te t nigead of tled into ing t to last. Most of ter candles  our time was nearly over.

    quot;Speck, ;

    S.

    quot;e o go. Dont you feel t to begin.quot;

    quot;Come back to sleep.quot;

    I gatoget;e  be able to leave unless we go rig;

    Sed ;e can stay. Its Sunday and tay all day and read. Nobody ;

    For a fleeting second, I considered  t of staying in toerror.

    quot;Its too risky,quot; I w;Suppose someone c;

    So t. quot;trust me.quot;

    quot;Are you coming?quot; I asked at the door.

    quot;Go. Sometimes you are suc;

    Squeezing t, I  ake. I did not like arguing  s many days on s bounced back and fortion, for I found myself quite lost soon after abandoning urn brougreets and strange e to escape, I became more ed. At an edge of torees invited me into its rail from tions, follos ts and turns. In , I sayed put until t it could serve as compass, but at time, my ts ions.  o grouck eternally in the waning sliver moon dipped and disappeared.

    A small creek, not more trickle, bisected to folloer. tracing a creek at daen in my dreams as to be as familiar to me as my oself ran beneatony road, and to a solitary farm, I sao t sunrays bathe porch in gold.

    Some trick of lig in a dream beto come t broug into focus, took on a more s are, its door less and less like a epped out of t and onto t grass. trifying me on t. A man came doairs, pausing on t-to-bottom step to ligte. rapped in a blue robe, took one step fored , startled by ture. ly.

    ter still did not notice me, t t t. I ed to turn around and see ood frozen as a ed around us. From t a dozen steps bette fell from ook one more step toy passed as s. rembled wo speak.

    quot;And ;

    to me did not make sense.

    quot;Is a ccon?quot;

    t my ears. At t moment, I  ed me to run to  I  knoed, as fast as I could go. trous gargle from  folloo t until, as suddenly, trange opped, yet I kept running all the way home.

 CHAPTER 13

    to sound like a mad song before someone mercifully ans nigrying to stay focused on s later, a rap on my door, a curious pause, and tensified to a t she nearly fell off of me.

    quot; is it? Im busy. Cant you see tie on t;

    quot;; On trembled. quot;Its your motelep;

    quot;tell .quot;

    tave. quot;Im really sorry,  you need to take t;

    I pulled on pants and a ser, opened t taring at t;Someone betterve died.quot;

    It ioned turally, in my s. Upon returning ory t ting in t a stoplig four blocks ae, notucked in a cigarette pack h one remaining Camel.

    I spent trying to make sense of t a t killed  somet  trut me. My deceptions oo careful and clever, yet in my infrequent encounters ed cold, distant, and unyielding. Some private demons plagued  I felt no compassion. it, ers, and I could never forgive o tself,  ted our family to ts.

    itraug of making arrangements. S, no doubt abetted by ributions over many years, to alloo be buried in te tment, but ions. teen, o tears, and at ter all, and coming as it did in ter of my sopimed. I cursed to pay ts astonished me.

    As om in our touary to treet. A brigege of more trailed beers and I led the grim parade.

    quot;; I her.

    Sraig;Your fat of tory. to a salmon t;

    In t . Robins and t  stood in toic as a soldier. Seeing   e o o to our friends and family, and to me. e did not speak of ers back to to receive condolences.

    omen from cones. t more cool and quiet t did in t. On table lay tokens of community spirit¡ªts, cold fried cato salad, Jell-O salad s, and a tles of soda stood next to gin and scotcub of ice. Floor bubbled madly. My motted  eacs to ticular cooks. Mary sat at one end of t t on , and Elizabete end, c door for visitors. An er  guests siff and formal in ts. One by one, to my mot erment.  me ranger. A couple of old soldiers dropped by, specters from a past t no one else kneing good ole Billy.

    I soon tired of tion reminded me of t-recital gatless. Out on took off my black jacket, loosened my necktie, and nursed a rum and Coke. trees rustled in termittent breeze, and tly ernoon. From ts produced a murmur t rose and fell consistent as ten, a quick peal of laugo remind us t no one is irreplaceable. I lit a Camel and stared at the new grass.

    S my side, redolent of jasmine,  betraying ealtion of trimmed at tis in e couture of Mrs. Kennedy. But tess odeo copy tyle  looking foolis ood at t ty to speak, but s it to me to decide t for conversation.

    quot;It o come. I  seen you since w;

    quot;Im so sorry, ;

    I flicked my cigarette into took a sip from my drink.

    quot;I  a recital doo; s;four or five years ago. to-do aftering lady in a red coat. Remember ly your fatreated  crazy at all, but a person  nig;

    remembered tess from t nig seen or t of ill a little tomboy. I set doed ure, to a nearby cook t next to me, our knees nearly toucared at rance. S s in second grade, ten me at ty-yard das off to too tion. Vaniservening years o a beautiful young woman.

    quot;Do you still play piano?quot; s;I y at college. Are you studying music?quot;

    quot;Composition,quot; I told ;For orcra and c ever get comfortable in front of people. You?quot;

    quot;Im nearly finisical nurse. But Id like to get a masters in social oo. All depends.quot;

    quot;Depends on ;

    So;On . Depends on my boyfriend, I guess.quot;

    quot;You dont sound too entic.quot;

    So me, .

    quot;?quot; I whispered back.

    As if a ligened. quot;t to do. ;

    t  upon me, as if I   I could not place  s oranger draury. tess scrambled to  and nestled into uck out a paed a beat for my handshake.

    quot;Brian Ungerland,quot; ;Sorry for your loss.quot;

    I muttered my tion of tesss voice brougo t;Good luck ions, ; s;Ill look in tore for you.quot; Seered Brian to;Sorry ;

    As t, I called out, quot;I  , tess, and dont get .quot; S me over her shoulder.

    After all tors ed, my motcy glasses in ts of tcreetops before evening fell. trutted like cassocked priests on to to become invisible.

    quot;I dont kno looking at me.

    I sipped anotion.

    S reply. quot;eve enougo get by. t a;

    quot;twins could ;

    quot;to count on to er, I . t trouble noion  occurred to ;It  of ruining tations. t;

    I drained tte from my pocket.

    S;You migo stay  until I can get on my feet. Do you tay?quot;

    quot;I guess I could miss anot;

    So me and grabbed my arms. quot;ay for a fe  it  be.quot;

    quot;Mom, its ter.quot;

    quot;I kno youll stay ; Sared till I nodded. quot;ts a good boy.quot;

    I ended up staying mucurn ed for a feerruption of my studies c left enougo finisill in  a job. My friend Oscar Love, back from a tour of duty  an abandoned store off Linnean Street s. ited to a bar age barely big enougo round out a band. Jimmy Cummings played tar. e called ourselves ts all ending to be Gene Pitney or Frankie Valli, I end bar a fes of t Oscars Bar got me out of tra dollars enabled me to  turn to playing piano, but I loat first year back. tess simes. Seeing he dreams I had deferred.

    quot;You ery man,quot; tess told me one nigs. quot;Or mystery boy, I sotally different from t of us.quot;

    I s measures from quot;Strangers in t.quot; S;Seriously, tranger. Aloof. Above it all.quot;

    quot;Is t rigainly so you.quot;

    quot;O; Sipsy and grinning. quot;You ;

    t  of my forced ant return to te t nig  ionso steal he deja vu face.

    tending bar and playing piano kept me out late at nigers e a cold dinner alone at t nigirred in tside tcant, t looked sort of like a ook my plate into turned on television to te, late movie. After tins first spies o ing and cold, petrified t I  again amid those devils.

 CHAPTER 14

    Looking far aurning to camp,  ease. Srees, moving like a deer along t at t me eager to apologize, so I took a scut t t o cut e. My mind buzzed ory of to tell ant parts vanisfully so, but  ted me, for sook off in a sprint.  ated before giving c  terrain defeated speed. In my e, I snagged my toe on a fallen branc. Spitting leaves and to see Speck  into camp and alking h B¨¦ka.

    quot;S  to speak ; toad said upon my arrival, and clamped  to him, forming a wall.

    quot;But I need to talk to ;

    Luco, , a menacing tootepped inside t my c.

    quot;You ed our trust.quot;

    quot; are you talking about?quot;

    quot;So avoid any contact  trying to communicate ; Igel puso tten leaves. ed, I quickly sprang back to my feet. My fear greives.

    quot;Do you kno;

    quot;teac;

    quot;Do you understand  be discovered?quot;

    quot;So  forget again.quot;

    quot;ture us, and t;

    quot;Punis;

    Igel did not strike t bloions, and initial so pain. teeto my sting off t my gorge rise. Amid tred ted tures. One by one, ted, and t t my ribs, taunting me to get up, snarling and gro me to fig muster trengtomped on my fingers, and Igel delivered a kick ion: quot;Do not talk to people again.quot;

    I closed my eyes and stayed still. trees, s aced black and blue, and blood oozed from cuts and pooled beneatasted of vomit and dirt, and I passed out in a rumpled heap.

    Cool er on my cuts and bruises startled me a vision  over me, ly beood Smaolac a red patce ser. ried to speak, s cloto my lips.

    quot;Aniday, I am so sorry. I did not  to ;

    quot;ere sorry, too,quot; Smaolac;But t;

    C ;I took no part in it.quot;

    quot;You s  me, Aniday. You srusted me.quot;

    I sat up sloormentors. quot; t;

    quot;I took no part,quot; Chavisory said.

    Luc beside Speck and spoke for all. quot;e o do it, so t you  ever forget. You spoke to t you, you ;

    quot;Suppose I  to go back.quot;

    No one looked me in to  silent.

    quot;I t mig er and a dream. But it ed me to come into t;

    quot;Doesnt matter er, brot Fannys uncle. None of t matters. ere your family.quot;

    I spat out a mout and blood. quot;A family doesnt beat up one of its o;

    Ced in my ear, quot;I didnt even touc; Shers.

    quot;e ; said Speck.

    quot;I dont  to stay  to go back to my real family.quot;

    quot;Aniday, you cant,quot; Speck said. quot;t ten years. You may look like youre eig you are almost eiguck in time.quot;

    Luc;Youd be a g to t;

    quot;I  to go ;

    Speck confronted me. quot;Listen, t one of t;

    quot;Rig; Smaolac doting tree stump and counted off ties on ;One is t  old  deat. I remember one fellory day. ion in op of to t jumpy enougo t rigo deat;

    quot;Accidents ; Luc;Long ago, you could find yourself eaten. olves and mountain lions pros. Did you ever ered out inside a cave and ime next to a very ;

    quot;t; Smaolac;by simply leaving. Just up and saunter off and go live apart and alone. e discourage t sort of attitude, mind you, for end to be someone else.quot;

    quot;Besides, it is a lonesome life,quot; said Chavisory.

    quot;true,quot; Speck agreed. quot;But you can be lonely ;

    quot;If you go t o meet e,quot; Luc;Suppose you fell in a ditc get up? t;

    Said Smaolac;t to some t in to find te, t;

    quot;Besides, ter t; Luch¨®g asked.

    quot;I  by myself all time,quot; Chavisory added.

    quot;t; Lucold ;you ;

    Speck looked beyond me, toreeline. quot;ts t cake ;

    quot;No; said Smaolac;First, you o find a c cudy ance, mind.quot;

    quot;It o be somebody w ; Chavisory said.

    Smaolac ;Never mind t. e observe teams. ain people take doudy ;

    quot;Start ; said Speck. quot;Gats: age, birters.quot;

    Cerrupted ;Id stay a;

    quot;You o kno;so you can make people believe you are one of t;

    Carefully rolling a cigarette, Luc;Ive betimes t t Id look for a large family, s of kids and so on, and t nobodyll miss or notice t. Or if I forget some detail or am sligation, nobody is teen, or four of seven. Not as easy as it once  mums and dads arent ;

    quot;Id like to be a baby again,quot; said Chavisory.

    quot;Once you ; said Smaolac; to be alone, or youll be found out. ale of ts,  of tealing a tiny Cossack lad y teetook all our boys of t to a crisp?quot;

    quot;Fire is a devil of a o go,quot; said Luc;Did I ever tell you of t snooping around to replace? Ss come in, and leaps in t, making t t first, ts t not,  day, t do you t, but s yet learned o speak like ttle girl. So ts out a squao raise to jump out tart all over again.quot;

    Smaolacory, scratcrying to recall an important detail. quot;A of magic, of course. e bind up to ter.quot;

    Spinning on ed, quot;And tation. You mustnt forget t.quot;

    quot;In ism,quot; Smaolacinued. quot;Out o leave except by one of t give you my s t;

    C oe. quot;Remember t;

    it ure to  on  and teel trap.  face on twins.

    quot;You put me back,quot; Chavisory complained.

    quot;You put me back.quot; Speck imitated ly.

    I could not believe w I was seeing.

    quot;ture, little treasure. Be; laid Smaolac;Going back to t as yourself is not an option. But  to stay time allo yet, ;

    quot;My turn? I  to go  no;

    quot;You dont,quot; Luc;You o  until t of us ural order to our  mustnt be disturbed. One cime comes, you  family t you left be go back w;

    quot;Im afraid, Aniday, youre last in to be patient.quot;

    Lucook Co manipulate ;Just make me pretty again,quot; and quot;Lets get one of tures,quot; and quot;; Eventually, tc.

    Speck o me for t of t day, per of misplaced guilt for my beating. leness reminded me of my motouc I t I remembered. My o as ion to be conjured. I ting again, tinction betion blurring. to  I  , I e doory of tebook, o under-stand it all in ture. Speck kept me company arligired, radiated compassion.

    quot;I am sorry t you.quot;

    quot;It doesnt ,quot; I wiff and sore.

    quot;Life s compensations. Listen.quot;

    Lo betrees, unrolling its . Speck tensed, tling.

    quot;You  old,quot; s;You  o  getting married or eet. You  need a cane or a crutc;

    e rike. t it.

    quot;Like c; I said.

    quot;t c; S ence linger in tar, o sense trick of staring and drifting imes over t not t nigars uck in its rotation. Eyes lifted, cing to t, t shinking.

    quot;as ;

    quot;I cannot tell you. Let go of t, Aniday. Its like o t for t moment, and tter a; S me. quot;You s.quot;

    quot;I cant. My mind is filled ;

    So my lips. quot;Listen.quot;

    Notirred. ;I cant ;

    But sant sound, and urned inransported to its source.

 CHAPTER 15

    Moving back  a kind of stupor to my daily life, and my nig pounding out yet anotation on tending to to a routine at Oscars  of t of ared at it. I  on to t customer, poured a beer, sliced a lemon, and came back to tting undisturbed.  and tie, and as far as I could tell,  lifted his hands from his lap.

    quot;s tter, mister? You  touc;

    quot;ould you give it to me on t glass move  touc?quot;

    quot; do you mean, move? ;

    quot; o move for you to believe?quot;

    quot;Not far.quot; I  at all, and you ;

    o s, and beneatarted sliding sloil it came to a  about five inco . quot;A magician never reveals t to trick. tom McInnes.quot;

    quot;; I said. quot;A lot of guys come in s of tricks but ts t I ever sa;

    quot;Ill pay for t; McInnes said, putting a dollar on t;But you o;

    and pulled t of  several  same trick. Yet ouc glass of ood up to go  on the bar.

    quot;; I called after him.

    quot;Never toucuff,quot; o a raincoat. quot;And I  to drink it, eit;

    I lifted to my nose for a smell.

    quot;Leaded.quot;   ;But you kne, rig;

    S ttom.

    quot;Part of my study of mankind,quot; ;and our o believe in  be seen.quot;

    McInnes became a regular at Oscars, coming in four or five times a  feent on fooling trons ricks or puzzles. Sometimes a riddle or complicated mat, adding seven, subtracting ones age and so fortil tim ed. Or a game involving matc of ed from ty of erious in ots t close to times bets o c  it off less t if eed to vanisarted covering tles in 63 or 64,  eacime at t;Do You ant to Kno?quot; Like a lot of drunks, McInnes became more er ed soused. Not more loquacious or morose, merely more relaxed in ities of alco a sitting, more t about range capacity for drink.

    quot;Its a matter of mind over matter. A crick .quot;

    quot;And ;

    quot;I dont ly knos a gift, really, and at time a curse. But Ill tell you, in order to drink so muco be somet.quot;

    quot;So y, you old camel?quot; Cummings laughed.

    quot;todays youtenure no not for calloer of publication.quot;

    quot;You ; I asked.

    quot;Antion ural rituals.quot;

    Cummings interrupted: quot;Slo to college.quot;

    quot;ition to explain tion. I icularly interested in ting and once started a book about rural practices in tis;

    quot;So you drink because of some old flame, t; Oscar asked, turning tion back to its origins.

    quot;I  ; ;No, s tless t demands of tomorroerdays piled up like a s t.quot;

    Oscar c;Life before life?quot;

    quot;Like reincarnation?quot; Cummings asked.

    quot;I dont kno t, but I do kno a fes from t, events from too long ago. Put t tories t come out from deep  ury ago, talk about as if it  yesterday. Or today.quot;

    quot;Under a spell?quot; I asked.

    quot;ranscendent trance.quot;

    Oscar looked suspicious. quot;y tricks.quot;

    quot;Ive been knoo put a fe; said McInnes. quot;told tales from too incredible to believe, but y t one is convinced t telling trutrange t;

    Cummings jumped in. quot;Id like to be ized.quot;

    quot;Stay beer t.quot;

    At ter t, McInnes ordered Oscar to dim ts and asked George and me to stay absolutely quiet.  next to Jimmy and told o close arted speaking to ed voice, describing restful places and peaceful circumstances in sucail t Im surprised  fall asleep. McInnes ran a feests, cher Jimmy was under.

    quot;Raise your rigraig in front of you. Its made of trongest steel, and no matter ry, you cannot bend it.quot;

    Cummings stuck out  arm and could not flex it; nor, for t matter, could Oscar or George or I  felt like a real iron bar. McInnes ran tests, tarted asking questions to ;e musician, Jimmy?quot;

    quot;Louis Armstrong.quot;

    e laug t admission. In ts of tones, but never Satchmo.

    quot;Good. ouc fees youll be Louis Armstrong.quot;

    Jimmy  ion came instantaneously. ed into Armstrongs famous o time  voice. Even tion of some old t;Ill Be Glad ; and tted out a jazz bridge. Normally Cummings  able and ertaining till,  slipped on a slick of beer and fallen to the floor.

    McInnes raced to ; to t; o t;youll  you to remember, Jimmy, t o sing out a ferong. Can you remember t?quot;

    quot;U; Cummings said from rance.

    quot;Good, but you  remember anyt to snap my fingers, and youll wake up, ;

    A goofy grin smeared on  eac imagine  ioning,  t half-hour.

    quot;And you dont remember,quot; Oscar asked, quot;Satc;

    Cummings began singing quot;; and suddenly stopped himself.

    quot;Mr. Jimmy Cummings, t man alive,quot; George laughed.

    e all gassed Cummings over t fe;Satc; noil t ts of t nigion. For erered McInnes for more information on  all  quot;to tions and memories free play.quot; Dissatisfied o to Egypt to Freud, ists arguing over its validity. A piece from ternational Journal of Clinical and Experimental tled te for me: quot;It is tient, not t, o ore te from tucked it into my , reading ting a mantra.

    Convinced t I could manage my oion and subconscious, I finally asked McInnes to ize me. As if o a forgotten land, McInnes could tap into my repressed life and tell me ruts, tory astical delusion. e  before: In a former life, I ra, She Genghis Khan.

    a nigole time ige of t could be dangerous if, under  be able to recall anyt o age seven. My motales of en repeated t I not only believed salking about me, but at times t I remembered t life. Suced memories are made of glass.

    McInnes kneory,  my moters, my aborted college career. I even confessed to ess ode ale. Anytally divulged ionalized arut trumped my fear of being unmasked as a changeling.

    t drunk staggered a, and Oscar closed ter and , o lock turned off all ts except for a lamp at t me. Suppose I said somet t if ried to blackmail me or tened to expose me to ties? t crossed my mind: I could kill  time in years, I felt myself reverting to sometinct. But t he began, panic subsided.

    In ty bar,  across from eac a small table and listening as McInnes droned on, I felt made of stone. ance above and beyond me, and rolled my actions and feelings ence. Giving in to t like falling in love. Submit, let go. My limbs remendous gravity, as if being sucked out of space and time. Liged beam. A movie e self, ive and any distinct visual style t o draory, no plot, just cer and sensation. A face appears, speaks, and I am scared. A cold  is follo notes from t a c, a o t. At some conscious level, I glimpsed a boy, ed from tia and cogether ignored.

    t t of trance o look at tion, I, too, felt curiously refres for eig my sticky s and tted  my temples belied t possibility. McInnes seemed totally .  and drank it do of ty bar, y and fascination. I offered  smoking in the dead of morning.

    quot;Did I say anyt; I asked at last.

    quot;Do you kno;

    quot;A smattering,quot; I replied. quot;two years in ;

    quot;You ;

    quot; did I say?  did you make of it?quot;

    quot;Im not sure. s a ec;

    quot;I never ;

    quot;You cried out as if someterrible  der teufel. t?quot;

    quot;I never met t;

    quot;And t a fiend?quot;

    quot;Maybe.quot;

    quot;Der Kobolden? You sever t;

    quot;None.quot;

    quot;Entf¨¹;

    quot;Sorry.quot;

    quot;I could not tell rying to say. It  for your parents, and it  mit, mit¡ªts ? You ed to go ;

    quot;But my parents arent German.quot;

    quot;ted to take you a;

    I so me.

    quot;ever it  for Mama and Papa and das Klavier.quot;

    quot;t;

    quot;I never , and you said you olen aand, so I asked you again, and you said, Fifty-nine, and I said, t cant be. ts only six years ago. And you said, clear as a bell, No ... 1859. quot;

    McInnes blinked  me. I te. e stared at t saying a  tt so  ray.

    quot;I dont knoo say.quot;

    quot;Kno; McInnes asked. quot;I t life. I time been a German boy.quot;

    quot;I find t o believe.quot;

    quot;;

    quot;I dont believe in fairy tales.quot;

    quot;ell ... ; McInnes yae nearly upon us. quot; do you t t?quot;

    I kne I did not say. t ture refrigerator. Using t plate in t, settling my s by concentrating on simple tasks. A kind of y lig daood beer;  in front on ool, and e our scrambled eggs and drank our coffee black. At t iful, and McInness eyes tired and vacant, t time .

    on  and so . An a me kno  be coming back. t oo rarange for t;Good-bye, and good luck.quot;

    As urned t for o . quot; ; I asked, quot;in t;

    boto turn around. quot;You kno to ask.quot;

 CHAPTER 16

    ers day, tort ec for miles around and every living creature stops to look and listen. t guns of ing season startled and put t. Scouts fanned out along ts or s, listening for trudge of men seeking out deer, p, turkey, grouse, rabbit, fox, or black bear. Sometimes ters brougiful¡ª mottled pointers, featters, blueticks, black-and-tans, retrievers. t along every pat.

    My great fear in setting out alone is ting up ray or er, rail and surprised us at rest in a sream of flaseetinct, scrambling toy of a bramble t. itride ook in retreat, t. ttle cry, and o tangle of topped at t, confused and whimpering.

    But on ter day, t, ttered curse, or t of tantly cretcte to a piner. Poaco ing season, er ness of trees gave o bareness, to bitter cold, and o listen for  out  of fallen leaves, or in rees. e did our best to become unseeable, as if  exist. t or dripping- days e from tense boredom of ant fear mingled  of November.

    Back to back to back in a triangle, Igel, Smaolac c ed noto do  since t day years before rying to speak s of footsteps approac. tepped into a meadoience  t seven or eigo please. tgun, ready to fire. t and ao carry as ruggled out of tcs and billed caps  to listen to tion in tillness. itice and concentration over to decipheir speech.

    quot;Im cold,quot; said the boy.

    quot;Itll toug found ;

    quot;e  even seen one all day.quot;

    quot;t ;

    quot;Ive only seen tures.quot;

    quot;; said t;aim for ttle buggers .quot; ioned for to follo into the shadows.

    quot;Lets go,quot; said Igel, and o trail t a distance.  our second sucop, I tugged on Smaolachs sleeve.

    quot; are ;

    quot;Igel t;

    e moved on, resting again whe quarry paused.

    quot;One ; I asked.

    quot;A c;

    tous route along empty pat said more tained an uncomfortable silence, and I could not understand erest at all. to a green pickup parked on tepped into t of truck, ttered, quot;t ake.quot; Igel scrutinized tensity, and as truck pulled ae numbers, committing to memory. Smaolacent on e ruminations.

    quot;rack t do you mean, ;

    quot;to burst.quot; Smaolacudied the darkening sky.

    quot;You can smell it coming.quot;

    quot; is o do?quot; I yelled. Up aopped in racks and ed for us to catch up.

    quot;; Igel asked. quot; does your stone calendar say?quot;

    Ever since t day ial. quot;I dont kno;

    inued. quot;Ive been looking and ing since you arrived, and its my turn no boy may be to for t green truck. If you see it again, or t me knoo scer, brot me kno;

    quot;Of course I ;

    o  up tterly freezing rain began to fall, and I ran t fes to escape from being drenced by Igel and Lucer on sucery nig of time claustrop. to tunnels, and  along in til I sensed thers.

    quot;; I called out. No ansive muffled sound.

    I called out again.

    quot;Go a; It was B¨¦ka.

    quot;You go a. Ive just come in from t;

    quot;Go back t;

    I tried to reason ;Let me pass by, and Ill sleep somew;

    A girl screamed and so did ;S my damn finger.quot;

    quot;;

    Speck sed out in t;Just go, Aniday. Ill follo.quot;

    quot;Vermin.quot; B¨¦ka cursed and let  in to tinging rain gattened it against , and ted on our eyelasreamed doood still, unable to say anyto eaco explain or apologize, but rembled and eettered. Grabbing my o ter of anotunnel. e cra of t not in t stand t tructions. Speck took it all in  speaking a word.

    quot;Squeeze out t er from your ; s;It er t op dripping do;

    quot; does ;

    quot;Im cold,quot; s;and tired and sick and sore. Cant alk about t;

    quot; did  ing since I got ;

    quot;. o c boy.quot; S. Even in te ser t to alloter sense of her presence.

    quot;I dont understand o go.quot;

    S my naivet¨¦. quot;t to youngest. Igel makes all ty, and s to go next.quot;

    quot;;

    Sed in ;I dont know.  one ;

    quot;Youre kidding.quot; t;;

    quot;ill you please let me sleep? e can figure t in t;

    In talked at lengt tory of te it all do t I can do is re-create from memory  day, e to begin  knoory and could merely summarize or speculate. Still, I ion ructing memories.

    t my good friends could one day leave profoundly saddened me. t of cers, in fact, constantly revolves, but so sloime t t players. Igel , folloeentury. Onions arrived in t decades of tietury, and Cs  influenza epidemic of 1918. Besides myself, Speck olen as a four-year-old in t Depression.

    quot;I  younger t of t; s;Except for to take unless very young. And ake babies. too mucrouble.quot;

    Vague memories stirred ts. wins before?

    quot;Lucc you. Youre ttom of totem pole.quot;

    quot;And Igel ing for urn for a ;

    quot;o bide ime. Noion of suc caused o s  a tree trunk, feeling  a constant t, but occasionally I alloo dream of leaving ted, Speck ed, drawing in air as if each was a chore.

    quot;So ; I asked.

    S;;

    I noticed t e ser  to look for a replacement as we searche boy.

    In gloters, t front read OSCARS BAR, and alone in t beers green pickup. o its bed and rode, undetected by to t in try. Sion, ser t nigion in  in motion our reconnaissance and assigned ss of teams to co learn ts and s. ructed us to pay close attention to ter and demeanor.

    quot;I  a detailed account of ers? Uncles or aunts? Grammy and Gramps? Does  sort of games does ime activities? Find all to kno ionss. reat o daydream? to  by ;

    I transcribed ion book and ake sucask. Igel ood in front of me, glaring do my scribbling.

    quot;You,quot; ; a complete record. You are to be ell Aniday  come pestering me ail. ory is complete, you can tell it. t perfect cory. Find me a ne;

    Before I sa as if I kne t er ation of o plot out , er years of mere self-preservation and maintenance, try and devotion to task bordered on tic.

    I o c t I rarely boto look for  is by c  all.   front. From my  observation cion in te-glass reet, ed ransparent.

    tle-broly to ime ed tairs  ired of tered over to to pump and pull o tered. I c ion, content to play alone until  a eraction baffled me. Parents and cake sucs for granted, as if there is an endless supply.

    s forgotten me completely? ter me t long-ago morning surely o go see ers one day soon. Perer unate bastard from topped, and ts in tipped by to t sorry for t cural order. ure ep tohe line for me.

    ts ement nor alarm as a student, and o be almost invisible. Ragno and Zanzara, tic for monted t aside from peas and carrots, te anyte milk  on rubber ss, and spent a lot of time in tc let one knooo, up to tretced t o play outdoors in a sandbox by t up an elaborate tableau of small plastic dolls in blue and gray. tisfied to go on living life as it is. I envied him.

    No matter ered o . e  of paper in McInness book, and one more dispatc only be a e of time, but a e of precious paper as racted, and burdened by ties of leaders to  ty of freedom. oic disposition co a general peeviso dinner once  under her eye.

    quot; o you?quot;

    quot;t son of a bitc me, and all I asked  I meant ready to go, but all I meant ;

    No one kneo say to her.

    quot;I cant  till ired of t;

    I stood up from tormed to confront   to be found in o trance, but no anso spy on t be found, so I spent several il caring at ion in ter.  I forgot my anger and quietly crouched down beside him.

    quot;Igel? Are you all rig; I addressed ter.

    quot;Do you remember,quot; ;your life before t;

    quot;Vaguely. In my dreams, sometimes my fater, or maybe t. But no, not really.quot;

    quot;I  sure I kno;

    quot;Speck says t only one ending for us all.quot;

    quot;Speck.quot;  out ;S as foolis;

    quot;You s. It will ;

    quot;I o be rid of suc  to talk to you, Aniday. .quot;

    ood up, brus from t of s, and walked away. I hoped he would disappear forever.

 CHAPTER 17

    My long-forgotten ory peeked out from beains. tions McInnes posed during  ury, and fragments of tions began intruding into my life. e e imitation of Simon and Garfunkel  of my mout I ripping, and art over after a brief apology to t o t   on tep. A pograp day of sc. Id see myself superimposed over ted in t  er, but not rying to remember my o t German boy stole aime I drew near.

    to substitute anotant past, I o ternative fingerings and to myself, puss aed ion of becoming a composer again even as college aspirations faded o abstract patterns, en I o Oscars after a fe of coffee, and scribble tations resonating in my o imagine an orcra in t empty barroom, and tic confusion over entative steps back to t, to my true nature. I spent ages looking for t, and tossing it aion  time as my own name.

    tudio most mornings. Oscar arrived around luncernoon for reime for me to cover up my  tice o begin on an early summer afternoon in 67. George, Jimmy, and Oscar experimented  tly smoking and drinking. t of screet. truck pulled up outside, and a moment later tion, Leopped in tting doalk ion oo soft to be over ts sorroo ears, and George and Jimmy and I c knoe o say or do. Oscar led o tall s, ion mark, ing on the rail, so we crowded around our friends.

    quot;; Oscar said. quot;Since last nig looking for  t found  years old, man.quot;

    quot; does ; George asked. quot;s  see ;

    Leraig;er my brot t-looking kid you could find. Brohe ground.

    quot;; I asked.

    quot; and s pants, dark blue¡ªop Caylors.  back of ter dinner last nig ill lig. And t; urned to ;I tried calling you all over t;

    Oscar pursed ;Im so sorry, man. I  getting ;

    George began o t;No time for recriminations. eve got a missing kid to find.quot;

    Off  to toget in t. truck bumped and rattled along a firebreak cut timberline, and o a stop in a cloud of dust. team  a mile due  from my  as far into t as to drive toment leaned against ttle of cola in enormous gulps,  arce s. Our party got out of t smell of rolled among toain, ted us. Grassfall, angle of ure of t. I follo pat tain and ruck until t.

    A bloodance, taking up a scent. e trudged along single file for several  by ternoon. Every fes, someone  for ting in t. e were ced wop of a small rise.

    quot;tting us no; ?quot;

    t, I could not counter  seeming a coward.

    quot;Lets meet back  nine.quot; itermined sobriety, Oscar studied tcing off moments to ed and cime go by.

    quot;Four ty,quot;  last.

    quot;Ive got four ty-five,quot; said George.

    And almost simultaneously, I said, quot;ty after.quot;

    quot;ty-five of five,quot; said Jimmy.

    Leo ;ts funny¡ªmy copped.quot; ared at its face. quot;Seven ty. ts rig.quot;

    Eac t of temporal confusion. Oscar resumed ching.

    quot;Okay, okay, on my signal, set your c is noy-five.quot;

    e fiddled ems and dials. I ime was sucer all.

    quot;e direction. George and Jimmy, you e to eac; ed by means of s of t;Mark your trail to find your  back  nine. Itll be getting dark by t, go back to truck.quot;

    e  our separate ramping t dared enter tall trees  like a blanket t smelled of rot and decay. itep I took, cracking t edly, not expecting a reply. tillness brougten sensation, t trapped, timeless, in ty minutes into my searc dorunk of a scrub pine. My s, damp ion, clung to my skin, and I took out a o mop my brocree trunks, pipping taccato signals. Along one limb of ts raced back and forterious cargo in one direction as oto tter of fallen leaves, small red floers of silvery moss. I lifted a log, and a rotting ness lay beneat, pill bugs curled into balls and long-legged spiders maddened at tion of t, glistening o tom of tried to imagine  life  to me. I lost track of time. A glance at my cartled me, for nearly tood up, called out t. Moving deeper into tranced by t of trunks and limbs, green leaves as plentiful as raindrops. My every step  familiar, and I expected to be startled by somet it  as a deep sleep. t, scant life beyond trees and plants, tir of table tiny animals  and decay. I stumbled upon a small creek gurgling over stones, meandering noer and drank.

    t rolled over a bed dotted ones and rocks. On tones rable, but at terline and beloer cone, revealing facets and extraordinarily rice variety. Millennia of interplay iful, and tones er as ered its flourbulent its stilled predisposition. Symbiosis made t it  t of t, ime, but I also lived in t I er and t. ion filled me tom of to me as if a line of notes, and I could tern in my s for a pencil to copy it does disappeared, I irring among trees besteps racing the brush.

    quot;; I asked, and  opped moving. I tried to make myself s and inconspicuous by crouc cut by t  impossible to see tension of anticipation, sounds t iced became amplified. Crickets sang under rocks. A cicada cried and t silent. I  odds ay and capture tes in ter. A breeze t first, tsteps resumed, ture bolted, cras.  ed, I convinced myself t a deer artled by my presence, or per  by mistake. turbance unnerved me, so I quickly traced my o t one teen minutes ahead of our planned rendezvous.

    George arrived next, face flusion, ion, ting puffs of dust.

    quot;No luck?quot; I asked.

    quot;Do you t see a damn t ;

    I produced ttes and lit , similarly defeated. t of o say so, but ted for anoteen minutes for Jimmy Cummings, and o y was in order.

    At 9:30, George asked, quot;;

    tarry nig to bring flass. quot;Maybe we so w;

    Oscar refused. quot;No, someone s s a straig, dead on.quot;

    quot;Cmon, George, go ;

    o tanding position. quot;Lead on, Macduff.quot;

    Up trail, reetops and bouncing into t sky. Despite , George atic s over talkies, sense someto a surreal scene, ts, fire engines idling, dozens of people milling about. A man in a red baseball cap loaded a pair of bloodo tartled to see tess odee nurses uniform gloroking ed a dripping canoe to trapped it doterns emerged as if time stood still, and all could be seen at once. Firemen and policemen, to us, formed a £ô£ð://ww£÷.£¹£¹l£é£â?n£å£ô</dfn>

    ted sloing ed reality, and told us carefully, quot;ell ... we ;

 CHAPTER 18

    Mistakes e our careful planning. I am troubled to t, unes and errors t led to  t by tended any ters not at all. e are responsible for our actions, even eps ted or neglected. In retrospect, pero tc, and innocently tucked Igel under t alone to play for  a time. e could  and sent in a cion by er. ill believes in t old myt did not o end in sucbreaking way.

    Oscar Love came out to play on a June evening, dressed in blue ss and a s ing across t.  caked bet in t felt like crying to attract o t a menagerie of sounds: a puppy, a meten, birds in distress, a  notice of our imitations. Luco all t, ead t ended to be Santa Claus. Stumped, o sing, and tely folloo t. As long as tinued,  its source, dazed by curiosity. In my , I kne t tales should be, bound for an unhappy ending.

    rees by a creek, to tood on ter and tones, and o weep.

    quot;Look at ; Luc; one of us to become a c;

    quot; do you mean, ;

    quot;Look in s as if  really all t;

    I studied tacuation. ood motionless, o ter, as if stunned by ion. A  and took tontail flas Oscar stood impassive and entranced and did not react until t o o cover ackling o t ferocity.  disappeared in teeture not been explained before ticular, relis, pinning to to muffle o rail, Igel led us all back to camp.

    Years later, Co me  of to model ures to matc Igel let tcely, aunted tied Oscar to a tree and removed tc t yet fixed on ormentors. Igel tortured o a replica. I could not bear t stomacilage, ted beree and stayed ail Igel o a copy of the boy.

    quot;Do you understand, Oscar?quot; Igel taunted anding nose-to-nose. quot;I am you and ake your place, and you ay ;

    tared at  not recognizing ion. I fougo go to Oscar, to offer kindness and reassurance. Speck sidled up to me and spat out, quot;t;

    Stepping a;Boys and girls. I oo long and noake my leave. My time in t. Your paradise is vanis in t in ter, and all t go o be trading places  better t to remain ;  o trees and tar-filled skies. quot;For t;

    Igel o Oscar and untied ical; it o tell ;Im going doo tunnel noo tell a story to t. Ill take ing sion.  on t;

    As ion. Soon after, t to tunnel entry to pluck out Oscars naked body. t , as if ely rying to be calm. ing op our soil  notice t Speck ayed beation as ed our package o t. In midair, t into ter.  off to crieve ted to pull it asood termined to be o to be understanding and patient as ransition.

    All sucrievers ed aso fiser, but it never floated to te to t-deep, frantically searcil, exed and gasping for breato tream to a ford  Oscar could not be found. e kept vigil t and o tones and tree limbs  ter did not yield its secrets. tement. Kivi and Blomma  to look out for truders. Red-faced and panting, ter, collecting us from our scattered posts along the riverbank.

    quot;t; said Blomma, quot;;

    quot;t; said Kivi.

    quot;t;

    quot;Igel broug to our ;

    t crisis as our netention. quot;Quick, back to camp. ay in tunnels until t;

    Kivi spoke so t of us. quot;too many coming.quot;

    quot;t; Blomma added. quot;to ground and  be tricked by a feicks of brusunnels entrances.quot;

    B¨¦ka looked perplexed and began to pace, fists clenc;I say ;

    quot;e need to run.quot; Smaolac auty. Most of us fell in be;t;

    Lucepped up and confronted B¨¦ka. quot;t mob is already deeper into to t;

    B¨¦ka raised o strike  Onions grabbed ;But  t;

    Our neurned from t;Oscar is gone. Igel is gone. s done is done, and  save ourselves. Gat you can carry and . But be quick, for run t;

    Abandoning Oscars body to ters, s or knives, caco put till ion of pencil stubs, my dra, and some treasures¡ªgifts from Speck. I was ready quickly and o find her.

    quot;; I asked. quot; you come to t;

    quot; ;

    quot;e never found it.  ;

    quot; and started to cry.quot;

    quot;; I began unnel openings.

    quot;Like a baby,quot; s; dazed, and ;

    e gat mig the dogs.

    quot;e ; Speck said.

    B¨¦ka sniffed t;Dogs. s go.quot;

    Noed voices of t bloodred on to make out training at to keep up umbling on trail, Ragno dropped tered urned to co our presence. Zanzara reac and grabbed Ragno by to those few clues.

    e ran for ed fox to mask our scent, cloaking ourselves at last beangle of nettles. treeline as t, laying doaking up our anxieties. No sooner asrode up to me,  puffed out, ready to command.

    quot;Go back to c is safe to return.quot;

    quot;By myself?quot;

    quot;take someone ;  me. quot;take Speck.quot;

    e oopping noo listen and look arouble. o t midstream onto a large rock.

    quot;Aniday, do you still  to leave?quot;

    quot;Leave? ;

    quot;Just leave, rig kno to California and stare at t;

    Anoter silenced us. Perream, or t.

    quot;Youre not going to leave, are you, Speck?quot;

    quot;Did you ?quot; she asked.

    e froze and listened igated tream, a most peculiar odor¡ªneit sometomacer. Around a bend and in t trees, we were nearly upon he man.

    quot;; trying to hide.

    quot;Speck,quot; I s my fat;

    Sood on iptoes and peeked at to rils flared as sly as a fog.

 CHAPTER 19

    Despite being underer for a day, tified as t of young Oscar Love. t pulled back, t of t o look closely.  not been for trange netting around terlogged corpse, maybe no one  anytragic accident. o rest under ts left to te grief. But suspicions  t transported to ty morgue for a proper autopsy and inquest. t found only strange effects. to all out Oscar later told me about tropernal organs, t, ted lungs, liver, kidneys, spleen, and brain of a deatenarian.

    trangeness and sorro of Jimmy Cummings. it of to t nig  returned.  s tal,  until t evening did George begin to  of us  Jimmy, desperate for any neo go back to t evening if t just as I sat doc be trying to reac my moto sit.

    quot;I dont like your friends calling in t; Mom picked up ts cradle on ter ste of surprise, s. Surned to finiso stare at t , turned to she news.

    quot;Its a miracle. t was Oscar Love. Jimmy Cummings is okay, and ;

    My sisters stopped mid-bite, tared at o repeat tions of ences.

    quot;t of togettle Oscar Love.quot;

    Elizabettered on te.

    quot;Youre kidding. Alive?quot; Mary said.

    quot;Far out,quot; said Elizabeth.

    Distracted, Mom fretted  emples. Sood behinking.

    quot;Isnt ; I asked.

    quot;ell ... t be a mistake.quot;

    quot;ts a ake, Mom,quot; Mary said.

    Elizabet-so-rorical question . quot;So ;

    Mary asked ;ts so cool.quot;

    My mot aring at te of fried c in abstraction, reconciling rue  s o believe. too nervous to eat, I retired to templation. On my second Camel, I ang veered off tailing to a stop. to t t out of to a ponytail, a pair of rose-colored glasses perco a broad grin. Mary and Elizabeted  ook tairs in tood directly in front of me, expecting a heros welcome. e shook hands.

    quot;elcome back from t;

    quot;Man, you kno tell if oned or just .

    Mom burst til urned red. Not able to restrain t longer, my sisters joined in, nearly tackling chem unpeel one by one.

    quot;tell us all about it,quot; my mot;ould you like a drink? Let me get you an iced tea.quot;

    ctan. Unable to decide upon a sister, Jimmy slumped onto ttee, and t my post at turned, Mom sat beside Jimmy, beaming at him as if he were her own son.

    quot;;

    quot;Oers of grace defend us.quot;

    quot;ts  ;As if Oscar miged out of  believe elling t to take to ttle Oscar  to be buried, tack, man, and Libby ouc are you? Can you speak to me? And to , and s.quot;

    tical beings, one dead, the child.

    quot;All tors and nurses freaked out, too. Speaking of nurses,   ot;

    t was no boy.

    quot;Learts s a times. And Oscar, big Oscar, came in a fees later, tine o see me, too. tions start flying, and of course I already told tory to t us to tal on account of  tell, t a ttle strung out, like ripping, and ty tired and dirty and ty.quot;

    A big storm darkened in tern skies. In t, tures ed an underground  campsite, a maze of tunnels t sered ther.

    quot;But you o kno in my ride and drove rig;

    ea in a single gulp, and my mot once. S of us, greory  to , s;So, tle Oscar?quot;

    quot;ell you t I sa nurse, tess ode nig so caug kid t I lost track of time. My copped dead around  seven.  because it must er nine. Not t I believe in gs or anyt, just t it ;

    I ccudied torm, trying to calculate its tempo. If one or t, to look for a cave or a ree to  out t.

    quot;So I . And at t point, Im concerned about finding my o. I come to ts starlit and spooky. t ovals in a ring around t, rig;

    On fair summer nig above ground. e read t of foul  I es from tones in the river again.

    quot;t sticks from a campfire t some freakin ers or backpackers left, and if I o stay t in t be a good place since, obviously, someone ayed ize me, for next trangest dreams. ions. Bad acid. A voice from far atle boy calling and calling Mama, but I cant see oo tired to get up. You ever  its really going off beside your bed? Only you ts just a dream, so you dont get up to s if off, t up t you  it ringing?quot;

    quot;I t dream every morning,quot; said Mary.

    quot;Dig it. I cant see  I can tle Oscar crying out for art looking for  me o find you. So arts calling out, Im under  see  ry to follos  tuff t someone s a trap. Im struck in to my armpits in t  nearby. A bad scene, man, a bad scene.quot;

    topped s about torm and concentrated on t it receded in talk.

    quot;I rapped up against t arent on ttom of t, but dangling t top of a bottomless pit. Or maybe somet ttom, going to get me.quot;  at the girls, who screamed and giggled.

    quot;I stayed still, considering my situation, Mrs. Day, and I s out to Little Oscar to be cool ting on my nerves. And I says, Im stuck in a  I  you as soon as I can figure out a o get out. And s a tunnel. So I tell o cra out?quot;

    In tance, to roll up t a sudden wrack of lighe song had slipped my mind again.

    quot;Morning comes, so nouck in a  give myself a skos, all I o do is t and dourns out I  or ttom. But my feet are asleep, and my arms are aco take a leak¡ªpardon my Frencired, but t boy¡ªquot;

    e jumped at a loud boom of t t filled tricity and tto first fat drops las betable chairs.

    quot;At ttom of t; Jimmy continued over t;tunnels in t directions. I sed doo unnels, man, unbelievably cool. Lord kno real skinny, like maybe kids made til you come to times big enoug. And at eacunnels. It just noo me t I saV e. Like ts a Vietnamese camp?quot;

    quot;Do you really t; I asked, quot;t tcong  up camp in t;

    quot;No, man. Do you ts o go into tunnels to find t back and fortrying not to get lost,  notice t first because of all t and grime¡ª;

    quot; o ; Mom asked.

    tripped o make s  they were doing.

    quot;Mrs. Day, I  to do  up out of t ledges  notice t up ed, like climbing a ladder.quot;

    I  tter part of a mont t picture tantly digging in the warren.

    quot;It e o tramp back till looking for us. So ting t to do next, o ty blanket ts lying tasore in t, dried-out musreasure.quot;

    I looked out torm ed. hey gone?

    quot;As Im fixing up dinner, Oscar starts poking around trying to find a o open time pants like knickerbockers and a dingy er.  believe tuff ts out ts, mittens. e go around uncovering all ttons, a poucion, and old cards and neuff ten on ticing ring, a y scissors. t told to go up and investigate, because t  types around our to;

    quot;I s.quot; My mother pursed her lips.

    Elizabet ;s ure?quot;

    quot;I didnt say anyt nature.quot;

    quot; t; Jimmy continued, quot;must  before I got tells me o be naked in a . tending to be pirates, kidnapped ied o a tree. Anot on a mask t looked exactly like o a ook off all ake off all ting kind of freaked out, but to forget it all , puts a lid on tunnel.quot;

    to go tried to remember  be.

    quot;All t for one girl, s , but it does explain a lot of t;

    quot;And t boy t; Mom said.

    quot;Maybe ts ;Maybe t boy kinda looked like s w ;

    Mary put for  everybody ;

    Mom  . quot;Sounds like to me.quot;

    t I kneter. I pressed my fore tried to forget. to th.

 CHAPTER 20

    e lost our  back. trackers and dogs arrived first, poking about t s came to take pograpprints left in t. A er e, filming ter and rod pato ted every discarded possession and carted t ter, anotting a srees to collapse tunnels, dig turning til top ran orange  clay. t t summer, not asons of a ferees.

    Sucruction did not temper to return  sleep  ttern of stars and sky framed by branc-sound¡ªa snapped t scrabbling turbed my rest, and in too, training beo relieve ts. Smaolacimes eacricate clessness lessness. Kno still, as if ore our lives. y set in. e ime and again to he bones.

    op of tall oaks or scattered in pockets along tness and  campsite ed since t Frencraders, ribes at tral territory. ed a for good.

    e o early autumn. t difficult and unsafe, so  s togetoo far from to danger. Ragno and Zanzara ted by a surveyor oo fast. Dump trucks brougo line t road carved from to our old clearing. Cone  ten o dra driver may be tween humb and finger.

    On truction site tes resting on t seat of an empty truck. Quiet as a mouse, tered over, and as o steal t trikes as to a nearby out open, and tugging up rousers, srespasser. led over to truck, searc i , Luc resist any longer and struck a matcer t drag, o duck gun again, long after my friend o t of t.

    After ts, B¨¦ka clamped do alloo travel alone, nor could . ricted any forays into to of fear of detection. By day, taccato of o illness invaded. I longed to run ao ts comforting privacy. I missed my books and papers, and my materials ion book, a dra, a ters. Numbed, I  ing, eitime passed unrecorded. In a  did not exist at all.

    to gatoget, and after mucrial and error, o capture a brace of grouse, ying t large fire of to roast our meal and providing comfort on a cool nig, signs of anxious ired eyes, but talizing. As t dotled upon us, like a blanket drahers.

    iping  to summon our attention. tc and marroopped at once. quot;e  for a long, long time. It o lose t boy, but ill  place.quot; e imes before, but Onions, e, played to his Lear.

    quot;But t; she asked.

    quot;S. t; Kivi said, joining t;But  .quot;

    quot;t about t under asp. t stop looking for us until tes,  oads and terrapins. Once it  unusual to see a man s drying by  and cake it all a;

    ttered and crackled . e o our ne accept  t paying attention, but dra ick.

    quot;You tter t; B¨¦ka yelled doo ;You knoo do, and o keep us alive?quot;

    Smaolac  into th.

    quot;I am t,quot; B¨¦ka continued. quot;By rig accept anyone cy.quot;

    Speck raised ;Nobody questions t;

    Continuing to make ly as to almost not be  all. quot;I am merely sion, as I estimate it from time traveled and by calculating tars in t to be our leader, and to tell us ;

    it, B¨¦ka took Onions by to t remember ever seeing a map before. Curious as to  ed, I leaned for once t tood for er o make of tly straig crossed the sand?

    quot;tquot;¡ªSmaolaced to t side of t;ts knoo t is ty. And I can only guess t ty is  is out. tion is: Do o t ourselves off from to; ed ick to t of squares.

    quot;If o cross t;

    quot;tell t,quot; C;to Oscar Love.quot;

    Lucernative. quot;But  kno anoto;

    quot;e need to be near ter,quot; I volunteered, and put my finger on the wavy lines.

    quot;But not in ter,quot; Speck argued. quot;I say nort, stick to till it bends up.quot; Sook tick from o th.

    quot; bends?quot; Chavisory asked.

    quot;Ive been t far.quot;

    e looked at Speck ared back, defying anyones c;t and September some years, but ern.quot;

    t;I vote for t from to to;

    quot;, you kno; said Lucting  a?d ty pouc. quot;e need tos tell B¨¦ka  to stay by t;

    a finger to o ter time, in a more generous mood, but Speck, for one, never ience. S and roused him from his slumber.

    quot; do you  no; o leaderstempted to appear bigger trying to imply a t by rising to .

    quot;e are tired of t; said Speck.

    quot;Of never wo nig; said Chavisory.

    Luc;I   man nearly s off my ;

    B¨¦ka raked o pace before us, teps to t, pivot, teps to t. opped and folded   to ion, but  listen to suc refusals. A breeze rattled trees.

    Smaolacepped up to ;First of all, nobody respects and admires your leaders us from  of darkness, but  ter nearby and a o civilization. e decided¡ªquot;

    B¨¦ka struck like a snake, c of tence. rapping , il my friend dropped to ;I decide. You decide to listen and follos all.quot;

    Co Smaolac ill standing, B¨¦ka pointed a finger to t;I ; liking Onions by trode off into t. I looked to Speck for reassurance, but  spot, as if so her memory.

 CHAPTER 21

    I am truly knoory explained for me tery of ter. Of course, it tempt to steal t of a cure t in line but  imagining t of cers ed as, one by one, eacook its place. In time, I o resent every one of to disregard eacribe. I deliberately tried to forget them all. Did I say a friend of mine had died? I had no friends.

    of one less devil in turbed by Jimmys account of little Oscar Love, and I dreamt t nig about an ironens. On telpiece sits a roters spelling out foreign tides. tains sting out tticed needleernoon, yet despite t, toned boots, a starc, and a ie t looks like a Cmas boicing an etude. From be naked and creeping on t. to teal out from beains, from under ttee; out of to tops on a note, turns tack as one, oget, anotaking out t;as ist los?quot; A trageous av?quot; t as several o restrain ake ;Ic nur meinen So;

    I could still feel ttack. ;; and I ao a damp pilloed ss. Stifling a yaairs t I ired and t tter be good. My moted back t telep s my secretary. I tairs.

    quot;t; I grunted into the receiver.

    S;ess ode in t;

    S imagine the reasons for my awkward silence.

    quot; one. I ;

    quot;Rigess, tess, ;

    quot;Jimmy Cummings said to give you a call. ould you like to meet some;

    e arranged to meet after , and se doions to  ttom of tav.

    Sepped straig to ternoon sunligippling across  of t once, it seems in retrospect, s I greo adore: trical mottling of t temple t flasess said my name and made it seem real.

    e drove a  across o to kiss ination, but in our toicular place to go. tess turned doalked aernoon. Sold me all about o college, old  paroced studies in music. A feside of toopped by Oscars to steal a bottle of apple -note song.

    quot;I used to trangest bird, ary scoget o me. Or anyone. You racted, as if you  no one else could ;

    quot;Im still t ; I told ;Sometimes  or am quiet by myself, I play a tune, imagine my fingers on tes as clear as day.quot;

    quot;You seem somew;

    quot;Not al no;

    ened and c;Strange, isnt it? About Oscar Love, t boy. Or stle boys, alike as t;

    I tried to c. quot;My sisters are t;

    quot;?quot;

    quot;Its been a long time since  w;

    S;Not t boy.quot;

    quot;I o do ;

    tess s ts  you, even en.quot;

    I sincerely wis day.

    quot;And o s playing in your  no; S and kissed me.

    I took  sunset, kissed  ty s  alone in tcelevision. Slippers crossed on ttoman,  buttoned to ted me   do to t  time in years. e ting older, no doubt, but souter t met, but lovely still.

    quot;e, ; S ube.

    quot;Great, Mom, fine.quot;

    quot;See ;

    quot;tess? I ;

    A commercial broke tory, and surned to smile at me between sips.

    quot;Mom, do you ever ...quot;

    quot;s t, ;

    quot;I dont kno lonely? Like you mig on a date yourself?quot;

    S; man  to go out ;

    quot;Youre not so old. And you look ten years younger t;

    quot;Save your compliments for your nurse.quot;

    turned. quot;I t¡ªquot;

    quot; me see it to t;

    tess cer our impromptu picnic, ting side by side on a park bencalking in t sunsurn to me, ness, so t I  old me stories t fed my desire for more stories, so t I mig forget a single line. I loved eacal touc of he way she made me feel alive and fully human.

    On ted nearly oo a picnic along tion in gratitude to all of tors and nurses, all of Little Oscars sces and teaceers¡ªsuced relatives, a priest or ti, and table  feast . C dogs. Corn and ermelon trucked in from dotles of tuff, tubs of ice and sodas for ters, a cake specially made in ty for table, iced in red, tering script. ty began at four in ternoon and lasted all nig became dark enoug off a fireo time,   Vietnam and to tion.

    In t. tess looked delicious t evening, a cool smile, and brigs in  all of ors, a bevy of nurses, and far too many firemen and policemen, baked tan and ser ticed  in ted t  I had known him from my former life.

    quot;; e sroduced o us boto compare notes.

    quot;So, Ungerland, ts an unusual name.quot;

    quot;German.quot; ared at the women, who were laughing in an overly personal way.

    quot;Your family from Germany?quot;

    quot;Off t long time ago. My familys been in town for a ;

    A stray string of firecrackers  off in a rat-a-tat of pops.

    quot;Came from a place called Eger, I t like I said, man, t ;

    I told udied ened. t of t a acavs fation as merely tion of my stressful nigy of seeing tesss old beau.

    Jimmy Cummings crept from be of me.  my surprise and pointed to t;; ed, and I couldnt  break into a broad grin. Little Oscar, as usual, appeared a bit dumbfounded by all ttention, but  strangers o kiss ion, teens tossed a ball around  policemen. In t, ime. I missed  cess, ion ree.

    quot;I ; Leold me. quot;, out all nig knos a fever.quot;

    S and toucayed there.

    quot;So ;

    taring at eaco tion.  tess and Brian aring into eacrying to communicate somet saying a word.

    quot;I personally t  some ;

    I ed to tell o s up. Now Ungerlands ouc wever he was saying.

    quot;... ot still you o feel sorry ...quot;

    S and tuned in to Lewis.

    quot;... but nobody believes in fairy tales, rig;

    quot;Youre rigion possible.quot;

    Before o trides ao tars, finding notter to look at. I ignored to , tracing circles on my skin h her nails.

    quot; alking about? Somet;

    quot;e alking about you,quot; Brian said. Oscar looked dotle and grunted.

    I ess a  glancing back. So to a spot aall grass and ferns. Voices carried in t,  ty only made t more exciting. S of s and unbuckled my belt. I could omacs. Someone o  someant I rees. tess climbed on top of me, guiding us togeto frame ared into my eyes as ser and voices trailed aarted, and people said good-bye, good nig. S avert her gaze.

    quot;Do you know w;

    I closed my eyes.

    quot;Do you know w;

    across my face. Someone bleed her pelvis and drove me deep inside.

    quot;tess.quot;

    And I said tle in ting oget to touced, quot;So long, ; from tess giggled, rolled off me, and slipped back into c notice t, for t time in ages, I  afraid of t.

 CHAPTER 22

    e ion, s in a roing for some decision from B¨¦ka bre resting places. Ragno and Zanzara neglected t basic grooming; tangled in vinelike riots, and t. Cimes not speaking for days on end. Desperate  ractions, Luciniest provocation and  for le disposition. I en find Smaolacer ts, staring at tant, o ion, and  alone togethers.

    In t Indian summer, tayed e t, and a second spring broug only a rene anoted bounty, ts extended t of ss. t off tion. Even trees slourated o paler shades of green.

    quot;Aniday,quot; s;listen. ;

    e ting at ted o gating t tails as to to a tangle of ss to gorge tter. S ed  me. t danced in patterns on the breeze.

    quot;Look at t one.quot; Sly, pointing  a lone blackbird, struggling to reac t persisted, pinned to talk s s, ttacked tes. After its meal, to sing, t, and took off and folloo tober afternoon.

    quot; came ; I confessed to ;I  returned eac to trees around our ;

    quot;You used to cry like a baby.quot; ened and slo;I  is like to ead of sticks and bones. I remember my mot in unexpected places¡ª rounder, fuller, deeper. Stronger t by looking.quot;

    quot;tell me  o me?quot;

    quot;; s;I co nestle you on o you old Irisales and called you tle man. But you ly ing more and desperate over any attention so your little sisters.quot;

    quot;Sisters?quot; I asked, not remembering.

    quot;t;

    I eful t swo.

    quot;You resented  your time  yours to do  you pleased. O. Your motaking care of to  by it all, and t made you angrier still. An un; railed off for a moment, and she laid her hand on my arm;

    quot;ed for you like a fox at ts of miscs torn from ted your life, and turn it is brooks no argument. Every eye icipating a moment of petulance. t;

    Speck drew me closer, ran he crook of her nape.

    quot;So , so t s  you left t. Noay ub, and Ill be rigside, I so dont make any trouble. And out you stepped to toss a ball into t yellocter across t. I ed to come play  someone o coddlers. I slipped inside, crouccertop,  notice me or do t tage and could oying ure polis poison, or opening cutlery drao juggle ting into they were in danger, while she was wrapping herself in her robe and singing as she dried her hair.

    quot;Meano uncover a surprise. Sometirred among t of leaves and s ran t. A rabbit? Peraircase, calmly calling, and discovered tabletop quite alone. You stood blinking into trails. From berong ood t, her face a mask of anger.

    quot;? soddling across t, srouble a ttom so  in ;

    Speck igill.

    quot;But you tom , and youd so touc stony silence. As suffed it in your pocket, and slipped out of t a sound. I folloernoon.quot;

    quot;as I scared to be alone?quot;

    quot;Curious, Id say. A dry creek paralleled to t, and you follos patening for tter of tctering tter. I could o B¨¦ka, o our leader. As you sat on ting one of ts and t of to come take you.quot;

    quot;Every time t; I told ;a monster  to get me.quot;

    quot;East of tnut, cracked and dying from ttom up. An animal  a large o climb inside and see. ty and t  you rigo sleep. I stood outside time,  stumbled upon you. Skittering flass led ts to tance and to silence.

    quot;Not long after tions and stopped before me, tinel at tree. ted.  I ed to cry. o t;

    Sop of my head.

    quot;If I c; I asked ;;

    Despite my questions, s tell me more t I ser a o picking berries. Altraits of midsummer, topping tilt of t came like a sudden clap. e s and stars, ted our return, and I ers  t croupe ate from s of raspberries from our stails, ambrosia escaping from t, and to taining their lips red as kisses.

    t day, B¨¦ka announced ;a place inaccessible to all but t intrepid er e e and ss loose, decaying face, as inable a o find. No sign of life, no trees or plants of any kind ot even for a moments rest, nor any flying insect of any sort, t about ts. No footprints except our leaders. Scant purc o scout out t alone proclaim it aken one look at sucation and passed by  see, until , ts squeezed tone. Moving from t  of Indian summer into trance as sudden as a dive into a cold pool. A. my pupils dilated in t even realize to ;;

    quot;Its a mine,quot; Speck said. quot;An old abandoned mines w;

    A pale glo torcural so us all, quot;elcome ;

 CHAPTER 23

    I so tess at tart, but rary impulses pulled at me. I did not  to scare ory, yet I longed to entrust all my secrets to  it o rutunities to open my  and tell  eacime I ated and stopped.

    On Labor Day  tadium in ty, ceam take on Cracted by t second base.

    quot;So, ;

    quot;Plan?  plan?quot;

    quot;You really s good.quot; Stacked a  dog tcruck out tter, and s out a  for her sake.

    quot; kind of album? Covers of ot;

    quot;Youre rig; ses. quot;Maybe you could do somet. rite your o;

    quot;tess, t te.quot;

    quot;Okay, if you could e any music in t kind e?quot;

    I turned to  t I ;Id e you a symp;

    Out flicked ongue to clean ;s stopping you, henry?

    Id love a symp;

    quot;Maybe if I ayed serious about piano, or if I ;

    quot;s stopping you from going back to college?quot;

    Not all. t need t in, and Uncle Co call erest in retiring ;Im too old to go back noy-six next April, and t of tudents are a bunceen-year-olds. to a totally different scene.quot;

    quot;Youre only as old as you feel.quot;

    At t, I felt 125 years old. Stled back into  and c of t anot. On t afternoon, scation to classical, and as tra played Ma my sening.

    tess and I  out to t on t for a long time, stle of peaco o say. ars, ts, to t, tting t ant dreams, not of t, but of life before ted destiny or desire tened truggled to create. to be fully o give in to my true nature, t impulse.

    quot;Do you t; I asked, quot;to  to be a composer in tually listen to your symp;

    quot;Dreams are,  o being. You o decide  upon t t;

    quot;I suppose if I dont make it, I could come back ;

    S;If you dont come ;

    quot; do you mean, come ;

    quot;I ing for t time to tell you, but Ive enrolled. Classes start in to get my masters degree. Before its too late. I dont  to end up an old maid er ;

    I ed to tell  matter, t I loved y or t say a ed me on tled close, and I breat of  t pass. An airplane crossed ting tary illusion t it ed on tart past eleven.

    quot;Ive got to go,quot; tess said. Srolled doo to snap  of tupor.

    quot;imes if its during t;

    quot;ts a good idea. Maybe youll get inspired to go back yourself.quot;

    Seering  me, and in trees reac to tairs,  to sleep in henrys bed, in henrys room.

    possessed tess to cicide ery to me. tions: sibling rivalry, tborn, t sicide as opic for o do most days but  around campus or drive around ty o er  class, s out for coffee or drinks, at first to plot out o tackle t on infanticide, but as tings  on, tions so returning to scarted symphony.

    quot;You kno; tess asked. quot;No discipline. You  to be a great composer, but you never e a song. rue art is less about all ting-to-be bulls, and more about practice. Just play t;

    I fiddled he porcelain ear of my coffee cup.

    quot;Its time to get started, Co stop kidding yourself and gro out from beo sc;

    I attempted not to let my frustration and resentment s she main herd. She pounced.

    quot;I kno you. Your motful about t;

    quot;You talked to my mot me?quot;

    quot;S from being a carefree little boy to a serious old man overnig, you need to stop living in your  is.quot;

    I lifted myself out of my cable to kiss ;Noell me your ts kill t;

    e ing in t t  dancing or to tartled stare from nearby strangers ook care of torical frameo tatistics. I tried to ain societies, boys o o pass on ter of course, many females ed. But in less patriarcures, infanticide stemmed from a familys inability to care for anotal metion control. For ess and I puzzled over s decided  myt provide interesting anss umbled across ticle.

    Proacks late one evening, I found our librarys sole copy of ty, a fairly recent publication otal of tanding t. title of icle o t: quot;tolen C;

    Son of a bitch.

    McInness t in medieval Europe, parents ;reclassifyquot; t as somet demons or quot;goblinsquot;  and stolen true baby and left bes to abandon or raise t;fairy c; or c;enfants c; in France, and quot;ec; in Germany, tions and rationalizations for a babys failure to tal birt. If one  be expected to keep and raise it as ones os o be rid of ture, and take t outside in t overnigo retrieve it, tunate would die from exposure or mighing.

    ticle recounted several versions of tury Frenc of trusted to guard s to deater to find s a so t;; t protected ory gre motake t;c; to suc and leave te to tron saint and protector of c;A Saint Guinefort, pour la vie ou pour la mort.quot;

    quot;ticide, te killing of a cs slim probability of survival,quot; e McInnes,

    became part of t endured o teentury in Germany, tisries, and tition traveled s to ty in ern Pennsylvania reported t families into ts of Appalaco tennessee, local legend fostered a folk belief t till roam ts.A contemporary case t illustrates ts of t;Andre; ;; t unexplained discovery of an unidentified ced as ted t many of tolen by took eac t cy. Sucections for tolen children.

    Not only ten tory   me. A superscript notation by quot;Andre; directed to t of tnote:Andre e story of a ure t, oury. ed also t av Ungerland, eentury. More incredibly, Andreo ored to e 1940s. e tale, sadly, indicates deep patal problems, possibly covering some early crauma, or neglect.

    I o read t sentence several times before it became clear. I ed to o track o o tras;Liar, faker, t; I muttered over and over as I paced back and fortacks. tered no one, for o t at all and ory back and snatcmares.

    tor c, and t s-eye glasses,  samed me ; s. quot;Youll o go.quot;

    I ducked beo eiguffing t in my denim jacket. Soempted to alter my appearance, but t I could do and up, and brushes.

    quot;Didnt you ; Sood directly in front of me, an unbending reed. quot;You o go.quot; Sc. I turned at tor to aring as if sory.

    A cool rain e to meet tess. airs, I o my anger toreetligood tess,  to me, gats cover, and latco my arm.

    quot;? Youre s;

    S us dry. S my face, and I kne cold,  nig co confess. Beneatold  was all I could say.

 CHAPTER 24

    e lived in to be a very bad  first er, I  into a deeper ion to eat or drink a feo bed. Most of t in tic state, a  lasted from December ts moist embrace, and for many  a peep of sun reac sealed us in, but trance alloo penetrate. t and froze into slick crusts t stered under pressure.

    In time o territory, looking for food became a daily preoccupation. tself o a tenuous o forage tioned us not to roam too far, so   of bark, robins breast, a roast skunk. e imagined all  visiting town.

    quot;I ootaste of ice cream,quot; Smaolac to a mean supper. quot;Or a nice yello;

    quot;Raspberry jam,quot; said Speck, quot;on .quot;

    Onions c;Sauerkraut and pigs feet.quot;

    quot;Spagti,quot; Zanzara began, and Ragno finis;;

    quot;A Coke and a smoke.quot; Lucted y pouch.

    quot; you let us go?quot; asked C;Its been so long, B¨¦ka.quot;

    t sat above us on a ty dynamite crate. ed granting liberties every time ake Blomma and Kivi onig be back before daay off take no c;  ;And bring me back a bottle of beer.quot;

    t  delay. B¨¦ka s t per outern o meet ttled into to t step aretcrees created a general sense of unease about our absent friends.

    After to to sleep, Luc me company at trance in a quiet vigil. quot;Dont tle treasure.  see, t be seen. till ts t;

    e c, a crasrees aic inguiso t, strained in tion of tion. Lucruck a matc torc at trance. ttered in t  into ligepped carefully to scent of blood on t, t;gt;ui torc, and ted our progress. A fox snapped its jas prey, and o t. Fanned out like glass in a kaleidoscope, black-and-reruggling urkey, to tance, and above us in trees, toget to one another.

    Onions, Kivi, and Blomma still  returned om. Sted to ;Last of t; so tening morn as I gave curned late t afternoon,  come orn bet a searcy or ing inside t.

    quot; do you mean, keeping us ; Speck demanded. quot;You told t  looking for t; S of us into pairs and mapped out four different approaco too keep   direct patomping grounds, and Ragno and Zanzara follohs.

    Cook an ancient artery, blazed by t ran parallel to ter ted in its course. It seemed more likely t Onions, Kivi, and Blomma aken anotrail ter cover, but ayed vigilant for any movement or otions tprints or broken brancimes cepped out onto t stints. Anyone driving across t linked to toed us in t, and I often  look like from so far above. Ants, probably, or little c. Co une at once familiar and strange.

    quot; is t song?quot; I asked opped to get our bearings. Far aug pusoy.

    quot;C;

    quot; is C;

    Sed a strand of ;Not  least ts w ;

    quot;;

    S;Caug is C;

    quot; boy is t? t;

    ance at t, I could see she was blushing.

    quot; you tell me?  anyone ever talk about ;

    quot;Aniday, alk about cry to forget everyt to cer memories.quot;

    A far-off cry  out, a brief alarm t signaled us to make e and rendezvous. e dropped our conversation and follo, alone and crying in an empty glen. Soo confused and distraugo find es to  down beside Onions and draped his arm around her shoulders. Kivi and Blomma were gone.

    to toreets as t reetlamps and storefront signs cast ed dark, serving as beacons for to navigate told t to  being seen by people in t;ere invisible in t; s, tole sugar, salt, flour, and a netted sack of oranges, tas in an alley outside of tore. Sneaking in test visit.

    quot;Everyt,quot; Onions told us. quot;tain is gone, ter and all t spin you around. And no more booter, and tubs of penny candy are gone, too. Instead, t for babies. Diapers made out of plastic t you ttles and cans of milk. And iny jars of food, all goosure of test baby in t potatoes t look like red mud. And smoosurkey and ced to taste every one, and ;

    I could picture ted and spray jars strehe floor.

    A car pulled up outside and stopped in front of ture  s its beam along terior, and  to t, slipped on ts, and sent ttering across t door opened, and tepped inside. One of to t;t; Onions sed for to run, but Kivi and Blomma did not move. tood side by side in ted for to come and get them.

    quot;I dont kno;It  s  t in ting for it to . t, and Blomma raised one o  t look afraid at all. Like t.quot;

    Onions  botolen goods. Instinct set in, and sy streets, raffic, never looking back. ted oo ted nearly all day to return aking a route t skirted treets. ed.

    quot;?quot; B¨¦ka asked ; did ;

    quot;Somebody must old t; Onions s;Somebody w;

    B¨¦ka took ed ; be?quot; raig me, as if accusing me of a heinous crime.

    quot;But I didnt tell¡ªquot;

    quot;Not you, Aniday,quot;  out. quot;took your place.quot;

    quot;C; said Ccions. e trudged e o grieve. e took t of t t beoic and impassive, accepting t saying next to not summer and into tions revolved around finding meaning in t to convince us t a betrayal  t to get us and t it ter of time before Kivi and Blomma s urn, t us doook a more tful view.

    Luc;ted to leave, and it ter of time. I only  t sent off to live in a zoo or put under tist.quot;

    e never hing.

    More ted  s a feeal ao sleep in relative peace and luxury beneato our books and papers. e read translation, Clytemnestra in igones ing of eart. terbury and lives on t of y in all of Sons angels and auroctle, yaasies of Keats. Sein. Rip Van inkle sleeping it off. Speck insisted on Austen, Eliot, Emerson, tes, Alcott, Nesbitt, Rossetti, bot  up to t age, che books like a pair of silverfish.

    Sometimes, Speck o me. I  a beat, s ened me from t;t; S me to tears over Ben Jonsons dro. S;t Brigadequot; and tennysons quot;Ulysses.quot; I loved tcer season. In time ened in t of t sometimes all I could see  space,  from t ty years togeted ao so say a word and break my .

 CHAPTER 25

    I  times Gustav Ungerland o me tion rack doom McInnes and ask ails about icle in tried to locate its aut o go on ter receiving my letter, tor of t Journal of Myty replied t o for on to t not. y, tment said McInnes  in ter, and left no fortempts at contacting Brian Ungerland proved equally frustrating. I couldnt very er tess for information about er asking around toold me t Brian  Fort Sill, Oklaudying o blohere were no Ungerlands in our local phone book.

    Fortunately, ots. tess alked me into going back to sco begin in January. Sold tentive and affectionate. e celebrated registering for classes by splurging on dinner and Cmas sy. Arm in arm, oment Store, miniature animatronic scenes played out in an endless loop. Santa and  ters circled atop an icy mirror for all eternity. e stopped and lingered before one display¡ªa , proud parents kissing under tletoe. Our oed on and tic bliss.

    quot;Isnt t adorable? Look at  s to ;

    quot;Sure, if t as t one.quot;

    e strolled by tag bunco a stand selling  ce. e boug on a cold park benc;You do like c you?quot;

    quot;C t;

    quot;But  you  a son to take camping or a girl to call your o;

    quot;Call my o belong to ot;

    quot;Youre a very literal person sometimes.quot;

    quot;I dont t;

    quot;No, you dont. Most people pick up on subtleties, but you operate in anot;

    But I kne kno beneat. Or a misery t urn on me and expose my secret. Yet tesss  of me desired to unpack t, to tell  Gustav Ungerland and my fugitive life in t. But so mucime  at times I doubted t existence. All of my poime ago  y of t as real as t? Maybe I  trut kno I do remember t nigion of great tomless foreboding.

    tess cing across a makes ice rink. S a fog of steam into t;Ive aled a baby of my o;

    For once, I understood rying to tell me. itars, I asked o marry me.

    e ed until ter and  tized as an infant. Standing at tar, I felt almost ed ty for a ing joy for Mr. and Mrs. ed t  tinue of cing to take me a to forget my past, to dismiss t t I was a fraud.

    At tion, my mot to greet us, and t only paid for ty but even made us a gift of a oget t afternoon it range to see algia for my fating, for oer to ry for a year, and ro  fall, and tomers ill flock in for drinks and pop music. Jimmy Cummings took my old job beers were growing up.

    Mary and Elizabet test boyfriends, a couple of long-o tion, and at ter of ty, Uncle Cest sc;t merely going to move out of ties; to be moving as far ating on a gold mine in ty.quot;

    My moto   and rested his hand on her hip.

    quot;  trouble up in tional Guard,  t   c;

    S  I flincess squeezed my arm to prevent me from saying hinking.

    quot;Country living. Moderately priced, safe and secure, perfect for young couples looking to start a family.quot; As if on cue, ared rig tesss belly. Already they were full of hope.

    Feigning innocence, Elizabet; you two, Uncle C;

    tess squeezed my bottom, and I let out a tiny epped up to speak. quot;I   to live up t;

    quot;Of course not, Jimmy,quot; Mary said. quot;After all you  t;

    quot;t; old ty. quot;Did you  ttle girls t?quot;

    ts began to drift off in pairs and start neions. Since ation for tiresome repetitions of tory, exaggerating details until it became a tall tale. o anoto be dismissed as merely anotoryteller, desperate for attention. quot;No really,quot; o t;I  six or seven, I o tore in t and smas. ts. Man, to man. Put toget place I found Oscar? Maybe t your mind around t. Like a ribe of rip, man.quot;

    Elizabetaring at me ;

    quot;Cant confirm or deny a rumor,quot; ;and I didnt actually see t I dont o. Did you knoook em ao ason, DC, and t labs, so tudy t;

    I turned to Oscar, ening to Jimmy. quot;Are you sure you  tending bar for you, Oscar? Seems like ting ttle a bit too muc;

    Jimmy came rigo my face and said sotto voce, quot;Knorouble ion. But tter freakin believe it.quot;

    During t to Germany, dreams of cerrupted ess and I landed in damp and overcast Frankfurt,  expectations for our ed adventure, excitement, and romance. traveling tros, orbikes. I , but all I kneten on a cocktail napkin: Gustav Ungerland, 1859, Eger.

    Immediately bey, y black elep of tbarains by t ted city, neeel and concrete skyscrapers rising from tunate enougo y guarding against Eastern Europe rating in Vietnam. Strung-out runaableroget out of place bethe junkies.

    On Sunday rolled over to tadt t ly bombed out by t time on our trip, t and sunny, and ime street fair. On tival, tess rode a zebra and I a griffin; ter luncrolling quartet played a song for us. As if t niginy room became a cozy paradise.

    quot;t,quot; s;ogetoday.quot;

    I sat up and lit a Camel. quot;I omorroo ourselves. Just to talk about uff Id like to do t mig be interesting to you, so I  up a bit earlier and go out, and Id be back, probably, by time you ional Library. You o tears.quot;

    quot;Cool out, ; S;t sounds perfect. Im getting a little tired of spending every minute toget;

    It took all morning to find t train, t streets, and to tsco find torical atlas and terations and border c about by ies¡¯ Reicag to t t kno I mil anyone in Reference t own.

    quot;Do you kno; s;if it is East Germany?quot;

    I looked at my c ernoon. t 5:00 P.M., and a furious neing for me.

    S;Acs a river, not a to; Sed to a dot t read C;to called Eger no isnt in Germany. Its in Czec; Slas to find anot;Boo  to say I muc; Smiling, sed ;But wo names. Eger is C;

    quot;So,  to Czec;

    quot;Unless you  papers, you dont.quot; Sment. quot;So, tell me, ant about C;

    quot;Im looking for my fat; I said. quot;Gustav Ungerland.quot; ted from  t;Ungerland. as  to t;

    quot;No, no. ere Cat is. ted to America in t century.quot;

    quot;You migry t in.quot; S;t;

    e old me o cross t being detected. Making my o Mendelssorasse late t evening, I reory to explain my long absence. tess en, and I slid into bed beside art, the pillow.

    quot;Im sorry,quot; I said. quot;Lost in t;

    Lit by t;Id like to get out of ty and see tryside. Go ars. Meet some real Germans.quot;

    quot;I kno; I les and dark s sneak across and discover all ts.quot;

 CHAPTER 26

    t in memory, a late-summer day umn crispness. Speck and I  to eac ty moments bets going off to one calendar, five long and miserable years ribe took up our neably brig morning, ell  beat. But I never did. In t sense, t it o its own.

    Over trailed a string of smoke,  tember. quot;e matcrides and talked of our books. Srees, a slender breeze bleumbled from ts. to me, it looked for an instant as if acoo quickly, but trick of lig to mind tery beure, and I told Speck of my brief vision of our missing friends. I asked ed to be caught.

    Speck stopped at t led to trance. t  sed and crunc in a cloudless sky, and c mig I feared imminent peril. her eyes locked on mine.

    quot;You dont understand, Aniday. Kivi and Blomma could not take it anot. te for to be  and upper  you ever  to run ao t;

    ions poured out like sugar from a split sack. t s claims on me, and my nig  until I sat doo e turn, dusted and polis t morning, my life o  s, as if s see me before  only a distant space and time alive in ion. I  moment, to my lips. quot;Speck, I ;

    quot;ait. Listen.quot;

    to ood, vibrating beneat, t into t. In t instant, a crack and tumble, muffled by ter surface. tself  top speed, torance of t sly smoking on a ers nig tried to fig but o  upil ted. From inside, a reedy sound escaped from to fade in t settled, t person emerged. A single o t, o trate body. Speck turned it over : B¨¦ka. Onions soon followed, wing, and lay down beside .

    Speck leaned doo ask, quot;Is ;

    quot;Cave-in,quot; Onions whispered.

    quot;Are t;

    quot;I dont kno; Sy hair, away from his blinking eyes.

    e forced ourselves into t around for t, struck it, and sparked torc reflected particles floating in ttling like sediment stirred in a glass. I called out to t beat ;Over ; As if moving tmare, unnel, turning left into t of t eac. Lucood at trance clinging to , and on ears   trails in t. ly as ed for us. Ased in ted by torc. I could make out tood. At a frantic pace, ossed stones to trying to move tain bit by bit. I sao ing debris from t ran to the ceiling.

    quot; ; Speck asked.

    quot;trapped,quot; Luc;Smaolac once. ed be under too, if I  t;

    quot;Onions and B¨¦ka are already out. e saside,quot; I said.

    quot;Are you t; Speck asked t; you out.quot;

    e dug until to stick o tones until Lucopped and ed for a sound for o t;Do you see anyt;

    quot;Dig,quot; ;I can ;

    it a  abruptly, and Smaolacinued to enlarge tunnel like a small creature in tes, o someone, t us to keep burroely . As suddenly as surned, anotorco t upon our  ore at tone. quot;B¨¦ka, t bastard,quot; s;to anyone but ;

    After muco cra Luc;Doill and cold to touc and ally sour.

    quot;S; Luc;But barely, and I t move t; ricken igue. quot;Youll o ;

    Stone by stone,  of t debris, I asked ; out okay?quot;

    quot;Not a trace.quot; ioned back toers, noon of eart  t stirred and  from sleep to deaturning over in t  stop to ty of anot rock off  ankle, a greenstick fracture, t flopped at a sickening angle ep and lost consciousness as ruggled up to tunnel, urned and to ted t;Is anyone else alive?quot;

    quot;I dont t; I said.

    S, t difficult part involved t of tself, and C t moment, I o one anot of our oe miseries. Exed,  to do or say or t one last gasp like a dying dragon.

    Spent and confused by grief, ed for nig t t o it migo investigate. Lucted t of lig, a small fire burning doreeline. itation or discussion, to. Alt t belong to strangers,  ter, in to find iously over t  to stay out of t, someend her wounds.

    treetops and s by B¨¦ka. ions, just grunted like an old bear at our questions before so be alone. Onions and Speck crafted a splint for C up , and t to  to surned mucer er. e sat and stared at t from our ing for to rise. In t he dead. Ragno and Zanzara were as gone as Kivi and Blomma and Igel.

    In place of t glole rain cratled. Only tle from a lonesome bird marked time. Around midday, a fierce yell of pain punctuated tillness. Co  silence il Speck took eadfastness to be quiet. t of us looked a one anoto count to believe it.

 CHAPTER 27

    tess didnt need to be talked into sneaking across transgression sent an erotic jolt into our  to Czec passage to t me in bed until mid-morning. y about my age. I needed to kno tion of returning rees, lakes, and  long dormant, in my senses. tecture of stone and exposed timber ly as I ured, and at inns and cafes, t bore familial traces in turdy bodies, fine cures, clear blue eyes, and so Boo cross into t t on the German line.

    Since it  dedicated in 1222, tle at ter of to several times, most recently after orld ar II. On a sunny Saturday, tess and I o ourselves except for a young German family o building. t up to us outside, near te  ran along tys rear border, a fortress against attack from t and the Eger River beyond.

    quot;Pardon me,quot; to tess in Englis;you are American, rigograpake? Of my family, on my camera?quot;

    I blanc being so easily recognizable as Americans. tess smiled at me, took off  on t ts. ters, and as tion t I once  of suco etess took a feeps backo squeeze to t, quot;Vorsic; traig tess opped at , reaching in his small hands.

    quot; do you ; tess bent to meet his face.

    from  tess nearly stepping on t I could barely ligo t  name in almost ty years. All of t quite forgotten. I reac to toucess to  t of mind.

    After t, o rails bele. Along one pature cave, and in front, signs of an encampment, o me like an abandoned ring. I led us a to a traffic. Around tEG pointed to a dirt road to t, and  sream. On te bank lay t anot, and perected tess held my hand and we crossed.

    terline provided safe footing, but cep.  t. o it as possible. At t instant, I o convert¡ªor revert¡ªand lay claim to my identity. tess and I   morning, affecting a European indifference to our  I  ot see t, I s  open o bring quot;socialism ; to ted Czecanks  roll in until August.

    tess loved trespass and skulked along tried to keep up  cunning. After a mile or so on our ermittent sprinkle fell t. t teady beat, but underneat rsteps became audible. It oo dark to make out any figures, but I er.

    quot;?quot; tess s eyes darted about, and surned o side. t on coming, and o run. Sook one last look over cess stopped our progress and ormentors. tared back at us, indifferently cheir cuds.

    Soaked,  forest and found t iable sigruck stopped, and ted y t ;C; to  in and rode atop a mountain of potatoes for a o t Czec my eyes on t we were being followed.

    Like floores ed in pale pastels, te and yelloaupe and verdigris. s of Cruck no c parked at a crazy angle before toe direction, o find someone ured German. e sel side  us for a full ty seconds. Across t ture of t a ramsel near ted to trigger memories of Gustav Ungerland, but noted expectations, conjured along too  was as if I ed.

    Inside a dark and smoky bar, o let us dine on sausages and boiled potatoes, and a dank tle of East German er our meal, aircase to a tiny room ess and I lay on our backs in our jackets and boots on too tense, tired, and excited to move. Darkness sloole t, and ts.

    quot; are we doing ; she finally asked.

    I sat up and began undressing. In my former life, I could  noion. quot;Isnt it a kick? to of Germany, and before t of Bo;

    Sook off s, slipped out of . I slid under ts and coarse ss as sess moved in close, rubbing a cold foot against my leg. quot;Im scared. Suppose t police come knocking on t;

    quot;Dont ; I told  James Bond. quot;Ive got a license to kill.quot; I rolled over on top of  to live for the danger.

    aking late t morning, . Nice for a Mass in Czecin. Nearest tar sat a fe in clumps, dazed and rances may cried to sing along  I could only fake t understand ts rites and rituals mirrored tments of ts and pristine altar boys, tanding, kneeling, sitting, a consecration   a romantic folly, I could picture my former self done up in Sunday clotant, sigs.  struck me most of all  above, cascading like a river over rocks.

    As ted, topped to so greet t standing in t sunsurned to ical sister and pointed to us, aking in te statues of Mary and St. Nicrance, and o leave tess  o t, sured in his grasp and drawn closer.

    quot;t; urned to me, a strange look in ory. quot;And God bless you, my son.quot;

    tess broke into a beatific grin. quot;Your Englis. ;

    ime. quot;I  t. Louis Cat ordained. Fatival?quot;

    quot; festival?quot; tess brig t.

    quot;Pra?k¨¦ Jaro. ternational Music Festival.quot;

    quot;O t.quot; Sial voice, quot;e snuck across t;

    aking ly c, asking  ted and laug outside, stood in a corner to ligte, and considered to ters ime leading a group of otreets. Like a string of birds on a telepood just beyond tes, a dozen  sounded like podvr?en¨¦ d¨ªt¨§ popping up like tmotif of ttering song. it my tention, I started to o ttered like pigeons urned around. epped outside te, I found one girl coo be afraid.

    quot;;

    quot;Sold us t;

    quot;But I am not a devil .. .just an American.quot;

    quot;S;

    Beyond toreets, t bristled ;t;

    tood up and faced me, ;I dont believe you,quot; surned to race off to ood tced in knots,  I ake. But o be frig of t from ot perfectly capable of s from everyone.

    tess bounded tes and found me on t;e tour, baby?quot;

    Fat ;Frau Day tells me t you are a musician, a composer. You must try out t in C;

    In t  at ty peretc before me, t altar, to  t tone from to rock and t against t once I figured out its complexities of stops and bello became a kind of dance. I performed a simple piece from t time in years felt myself again. , not a t ice and fell over me like range snoess sat in tcened to the music.

    ired of t sound, tess kissed my caircase to look over t of t, I quickly broac to Cold o family ory and  o ctle ting access to tral government archives.

    quot;Its a surprise for ; I said. quot;I  to trace tess¡¯s family tree, and tav Ungerland. If I could just find ion about ory for ;

    quot;t sounds like a o do. Come back tomorro;

    quot;But you cant tell my ;

    ors.

    Over dinner, I told tess about to o go back to t. On Monday afternoon, s beloening for t  t off on er s, Fat;I ; o follo. I suspected t icipation greed a o top of a rickety desk.  off the box.

    Instead of ts I ed, I saer score of music for t just common  symper gave life and presence to trument¡ªa raft of ion, Liszts Battle of tasie Sympis, and a pair of organ-only solos by Guilmant. t, Langlais, Co for Organ, Strings, and timpani. Record albums of Aaron Coplands First Sympoccata Festiva, Runned and inspired. to simply listen to it all¡ªnot to mention trying my  take mont a feo stuff my pockets , fill my h song.

    quot;My only vice and passion,quot; o me. quot;Enjoy. e are not so different, you and I. Strange creatures  listen.quot;

    I played all day for Fated old parisisms, o tra octave of bass, and  tante. A c t keyboard, and I began to ions of my oerludes. tirred memories t existed beyond to glorious afternoon I experimented ions and  I forgot about Fatil urned empty- five oclock. Frustrated by o find any records of t St. enceslas, and t in toucs of t. Bart. Klara co he records.

    I  of time. Despite tive freedom, ill in danger of being asked for our papers, and  ted to center on ted at reets. I saoo, running in t spending so much of our honeymoon alone.

    quot;Just one more day,quot; I pleaded. quot;te like t c;

    quot;Okay, but Im staying in today. ouldnt you rato bed?quot;

    t late t afternoon, I o find t ing for me at t;You must let me tell your ; ;e  least I t be es are some av Ungerlands can t;

    ocopy of t from t, departing 20 May 1851 from Bremen to Baltimore, Maryland. tten in a fine hand:

    212 Abram Ungerland42Musikant Eger Boheme

    213 Clara Ungerland40quot;quot;

    214 Friedric;14quot;quot;

    215 Josef quot;6quot;quot;

    216 Gustav quot;?quot;quot;

    217 Anna quot;9quot;quot;

    quot;ont sed?  a fine .quot;

    I could not begin to ans bist du? Anna, t c. My moto go along h my dreams.

    quot;I knoimes t is a mystery. But I t for  1859,quot; said Fat;ory fades over time.quot;

    For a moment, t remember Eger or C yet one year old, aken from t from this place.

    quot;No records in t I t ion arc Mrs. Day be t  to see ;

    I folded tuck it in my pocket. quot;Of course, Fato tell e ... tonig;

    t made me regret lying to broken to leave t organ be I . Nicory in my pocket against my . ess, I made up a story about tracing our steps to the border.

    near to see a young boy, peranding by ree.  take notice of us, but remained quite still, as if  mig, and part of me ed to rescue ting a finger to o be quiet.

    quot;Do you speak German?quot; tess w language.

    quot;Yes, quiet please. ter me.quot;

    I looked from tree to tree, anticipating a rush of changelings.

    quot;er you?quot;

    quot;Versteckspiel,quot;  from to cag  as I looked from boy to girl, from face to face, I could not  remember er tess t te and ed to linger aone to stone, fording ter as quickly as I could. tess aking ime, frustrated and annoyed t I  ed for her.

    quot; are you running from?quot;

    quot;ess. ter us.quot;

    So jump to t rock. quot;;

    quot;t; I said, and  back to pull her side.

    After our rip, life rapidly greoo complicated to continue my researco find anot busy semester of scion dreions turned to neies. tess lay in tendrils of steam curling up from t er. I leaned on tensibly reading a draft of a ne actually for tching her soak.

    quot;y looks like it ;

    quot;ts great,quot; I said, and turned t; is it, exactly, t youll be doing?quot;

    quot;Case first. People come in roubles, I take t referrals.quot;

    quot;ell. I ervie t ne doion and stared at ;tor and music teacs a pretty good gig and ime to compose.quot;

    quot;t for us, baby.quot;

    S, and t  I decided. My life oget all odds and despite terruption caused by my fat to start. A beautiful young htub.

    quot; are you smiling about, ;

    I started unbuttoning my s. quot;Move over, tess, Ive got someto w;

 CHAPTER 28

    t merciless t remains is memory to compensate. Our friends s t our poor minds could conjure to fill loves absence. I am ed to tbreaking for Speck, too. S about asks grim and determined, as if by staying busy soms at bay.

    After ter in t, and ted Smaolac time in years, bound to one small clearing in t by Cy. to go back e at us all. Five years  our camp, and  it migo return. t time anyone  surely ne as nature reclaims its ruins, too, en about t boy lost in t. t life to remain as t it had been.

    it safe to travel again, Luc out, leaving t our makes camp to c day, our spirits quickened at t of seeing our old s again. e raced like deer along trails, laugions as a promise of brigion.

    Climbing tern ridge, I ant laugy. to vieree limbs and branc road spot  trees. Branc trail, more streets and o to town.

    quot;Be it ever so ; Luch¨®g said.

    I looked far aling activity. From tation ied up ossed a football. A yello ttering curses as ring of ligo notice as day gave o nigs  on in the homes, as if on sudden signal.

    quot;S; Luch¨®g asked.

    e crept doo t. ty. t figures crossing beal tasks. Glancing in eacory unfolding. A cirred somet. Anoted a ared at minuscule figures playing games in a glo or anger. -door neig in an easy co the noise and flickering images.

    quot;; I whispered.

    Covered to oes in blue terryclot in a small cage in tractedly ly colored plastic toys. For a moment, I t t I could not understand o trailed beail. So a boartled and sligo be caug sely not my moted  sound before. tc before joining to t into t t I surely had seen him before.

    e circled back into ted until t sky and most of ts popped off goodnig.

    quot;I dont like t; I said, my breat light.

    quot;You ten ring,quot; Smaolach said.

    o t likely to encounter any  to  door. A neat roo tely tried on pairs until . tc of ts and vegetables, flour, salt, and sugar. Lucfuls of tea bags into rouser pockets and on t copped a package of cigarettes and a box of matc in minutes, disturbing no one.

    tubborn. All of tairs like room t sered a maze of plumbing. By folloually made our o terior of to make ourselves quieter, eps and sloo tche room smelled of remembered bread.

    ry, I tiptoed to locate t door and an easy exit. On tograpraits t read mainly as uninteresting s as I passed by one, illuminated by a  ced to o face tton. t stare directly into t cyle and cloted anoted o burst out laug tograpriggered a ruso my brain. Dizzy and disoriented, I kne could not place, togrape dress standing next to a s I kept coming back to t my fingers on traced tours of ted to remember. Foolis to turned on the lamp.

    Someone gasped in tc as tures on to clarity. t baby. But I could see clearly tograp ranced me, and beside it anoturbed me more. tation of somet  time ture aken, and  not been in black) and  and cap, eyes aing¡ªossed football, a V of geese,  a strange to o a little boy, to end up on ture offered no clues. It  bride.

    quot;Aniday, ; Luc;s.quot;

    A mattress creaked over out of bed. I snapped off ts and scrammed. ttered in a ient tone.

    quot;All rig; t;Ill go c I didnt ; airook teps sloried t of tc could not figure out the lock.

    quot;t budge,quot; Smaolach said.

    ttom landing, sc.  into ted seconds earlier. Lucating bar and unlocked t  click. e froze at the sound.

    quot;; t.

    quot;Fuck all,quot; said Smaolacurned t  by a small metal c;Lets go,quot; o squeeze ttering sugar and flour be of us, for t quot;; again, but y la popped on like a flas ion. From top of tc up in sequence, till terns. A dog began to yoook t as a sign to retreat , but, exed as imps, reasures, laugars.

    At top of topped to smoke one of tes, and I looked back one last time at to be. t ree, a stretcruck a deer, a clearing  space e anotence. to ed in t made one doubt ones oory.

    quot;t man back t; I said, quot;t;

    quot;to me,quot; Luc;Someone I kno;

    quot;Could it be your long-lost brot;

    quot;I  one.quot;

    quot;Pere a book you read in t;

    quot;I do not kno;

    quot;Pere t book you carry from place to place?quot;

    quot;No, not McInnes. I do not kno;

    quot;A man from a magazine? A pograp;

    quot;Someone I kne;

    quot;Could it be t t; te and bleeam engine.

    quot;I t it mig t cant be rig strange ;

    quot; year is it, little treasure?quot; Luch¨®g asked.

    It could ruth, I was no longer sure.

    quot;By no be a young man near ty years. And ure ;

    quot;Id guess about t;

    quot;And ;

    quot;t,quot; I said, and smiled like an idiot.

    quot;Your fat as old as I am.quot;

    I sat doime  seen my parents; tery.

    Luc do;After a paint you a picture of my dear yout real¡ªjust figures in a fairytale. My mammy could e and say, Sonny-boy, and I  kno knoy.quot;

    quot;But try ;

    quot;Mig all.quot;

    quot;And t;

    quot;to me. A boteet all time   talk, cant s bet is a baby¡ªto learn¡ªbut ts moving backime. You so look after for a ;

    quot;I do not  to steal any c ;

    to make it ten blankets and a s from tion Army store, and e small meals, subsisting mainly on eas bre of January and February, en did not stir at all, but sat alone or in clumps of t or stone cold, ing for tion of our lives. Cronger by and by, and eps ance. Eaco move,  miserable dunge table er, a mile or so norts, t as secluded, it afforded us adequate protection. As  first day, restlessness s over me. Smaolac down beside me and draped an arm across my she sky.

    quot;N¨ª mar a s¨ªltear a b¨ªtear,quot; he said.

    quot;Smaolaco be a tand your old language. Speak Engliso me.quot;

    quot;Are you te and lamented? tter off ernal ing. Or is ttle treasure?quot;

    quot;;

    quot;Once and only once, t;

    quot;Luc;

    quot;I dont remember muc on ts not rig recall.quot;

    quot;Every place  of me disappears.quot;

    quot;Norapping felloac t o t. as a long time ago, and Im not really sure w was or w;

    te.

    quot;ts t and give o one anotisnt o be too attaco any s people.quot;

    Mystified by Smaolacottered off to my neurned over ts, and looked at ried to picture my mot recall to me as my name. tiful  just as muc merely read about in books, remains unknoo me. A moto a sleepy caire. A pair of lovers unbutton one anotumble into bed. Unreal as a dream.

    I did not confess to Smaolacation. Speck  abandoned our friendso some er ed o making our ne eaco o a deep sleep early eac. Sayed in  Marcracing out an intricate design on a rolled parc, and  and aloof. Early mornings, Id see  tern edge of camp, clad in  coat, sturdy s, pondering t time ever, s my toucurned to face me, srembled as if so cry.

    quot;s tter, Speck? Are you okay?quot;

    quot;Ive been oo  sno; Sook my ;ell steal off at t flurries.quot;

    er, I s. Se flakes gat;Its time,quot; sly as te susurrus trails, taking care to be ed at t nearest to arrive. t, and ts of tricked us into going too soon. e squeezed into our space only to fall overo close for t. to stay , ing  and respiration, and t from o sleep, too, and ogetc t to our books.

    Speck er evens. But I could not concentrate on ractions, and instead stared at o tell  te, incomplete, and per not friend in t a greater desire for more  rationalize or explain it a. Speck  Bear It A arm propped up he floor, her hair obscuring her face.

    quot;Speck, I o tell you.quot;

    quot;Just a moment. One more sentence.quot;

    quot;Speck, if you could put do book for a second.quot;

    quot;Almost t; Suck he novel.

    S me, and in one second my mood sion to fear. quot;I ime, Speck, about you. I  to tell you ;

    less gaze. quot;Aniday, quot; sed.

    quot;I o tell you ;

    quot;Dont.quot;

    quot;tell you, Speck, ;

    quot;Please, dont, ;

    I stopped, opened my mouto form topped again. quot; did you say?quot;

    quot;I dont kno I can  rig;

    quot; did you call me?quot;

    So recapture the escaped name.

    quot;You called me ; tory unraveled in an instant. quot;ts me, Im s  it?quot;

    quot;Im so sorry, Aniday.quot;

    quot; Aniday. ;

    quot; supposed to kno;

    t ell s and emotions competed in my mind. Images, solutions to assorted puzzles and riddles, and unansions. S doime, so me, rocking and sootion est touche chaos.

    And told me my story. tory told in told me ers filled in t. Sold me  all secret for so long.  is better not to kno t. Erase tient and il everyt could be ans unsatisfied. t, o darkness tion lasted, and t thing I remember is falling asleep in her arms.

    I   nigo groogeto be. In tips. A blackbird sang. But in t en a single o me, but by my side, ter is etc give it all a te, quot;Goodbye, ;

    It ime for o go. Speck is gone.

 CHAPTER 29

    t time I saoo aruck to touc a freak or a devil, but perfect in every iful boy. After t to meet  so mucer being  to sometess smiled at my confusion and the look in my eyes as I beheld him.

    quot;You  break ; she said.

    My son. Our cen fingers, ten toes. Good color, great lungs, a natural at t. I co me as s an autumn football game. t moto cras, and t of cac my skin. I kissed our boy and considered teful for the human child.

    e named tled into t Mom and C for us in t up in t first, I could not bear t of living t tess pregnant and ting, I could not say no. t a small studio, moving in taugo seventudent orcra at Mark tion t evoked to another.

    For inspiration, I imes unfold tocopy of t and study tav. ts appeared in fragments. A doctor listens to my beat  understand.  as szes. tang of apple en in ted ers day, te joke. In tands touch again.

    Playing music is t only do I recall te ting vines of tand, t I can unes again, and feel tions  es resound from tion of notes makes up translate to t time, to make true link to my first c sensation of bringing tes to life. ts, and noury or more later, I attempted to create tion, but it o communicate my desires all over again.

    Being around our tiny speec lost life and made me ced every passing day. ood, greeetalked,  beime, t happy family.

    My sisters marred t ideal picture. Mary, ial ones to point out ty. tended family  my mot eigceps over and over again. Ces of tess guarded t skillets, so I  time in ages, wed opinion.

    quot;You know, ;

    quot;And ;

    I looked at Edo till air.

    quot;Look at ; Liz observed. quot;Neit cleft.quot;

    quot;And  eit; said Mary. quot;Green as a cats.  get too bad  a girl.quot;

    quot;ell, t odeake a good look at tess.quot;

    quot;All mascara.quot;

    quot;And t later, youll see. ts a beak on tle man.  get t nose.quot;

    quot;No Day ever .quot;

    quot; are you t; My voice artled my son.

    quot;Not;

    quot;Kinda odd, dont you t  look like s?quot;

    At sunset my mot on tcter of Edwards appearance arose again.

    quot;Dont listen to t; my mot; and image of you, tle tess around t;

    Uncle Ctle, burped softly. quot;tly like me. All my grandc; Eddie tottered across t Ciger.

    As  I did my best to ruto tess, and per . But s er er t t I ten o interest a cet in ty. Of course,  playing er a feable. tess excused o go to tco ciced ss against ts.

    quot;Dont you tting a bit too big for t?quot; Oscar asked.

    quot; of trouble after dinner. Besides,  t;

    Oscar s . Seeing my single friends react to my son, I couldnt  feel t t t were sligened of ed.

    quot;Drao tick,quot; Oscar said. quot;ts one cool kid. Youll  to stay aoo o carry around.quot;

    quot;Sure ; Cummings asked. quot;ess, for t matter.quot;

    Oscar joined t;No you mention it... look at t split c;

    quot;Cmon guys, cut it out.quot;

    quot;C,quot; Oscar w;;

    tess delivered t, oblivious to turns of our conversation. I s up my festering doubt, made a joke of it, said somet of  I didnt.

    quot;So, tess,quot; Jimmy said, balancing e on ;er?quot;

    quot;You  t; Sroked  . quot;tle man?quot;

    Educk raigo t in h.

    S;Just like ;

    turned my smile.

    After t and Edaring out tcars s er in teamy languor. I put doea towel and, from behind, wrapped my arms around her, kissed her damp warm nape, and she shivered.

    quot;I  get too mad about Jimmy going on about  look so muc;

    quot;I kno; s;Its creepy.quot;

    For a split second, I t sed somet so face me and grabbed my face ;You  trangest t; Sion  elsewhere.

    A feess and I  of sed ;

    quot; is it?quot;

    quot;ould you listen? Someones do; I grumbled t it hing.

    quot;And Im telling you, someone is in t;

    I rolled out of bed and stood t, trying to rouse my senses, t Edo top of tairs. I did not see, but ion, t a lig doairs and t someto t. Anxious, I took teps one by one in a sort of ic trance, sorting ting emotions as it became darker and darker. At ttom, I turned into tcs. t for a fes, images of tess and me as co, and a parade of portraits featuring Ed  turn at tchen door.

    quot;; I yelled, and sped out in time to see tside in t, ty las, I called for to stop, but tcry  not muc rail dotted prints. t sort of break-in by a buncess came doairs and  s of tco put it back in order. Back in t tV, stereo, nothing of value gone.

    I examined tograpess looked almost exactly t illiam Day stared out, frozen in t in ary dress. From tc full of love and pride. In t frame, t, of course, t  me. too young. And in t instant, I realized who had come and why.

    tess came in and laid ;S;

    I could not ans. e  ced up tairs to o , dreaming as if notc face, I kne once t  looked like till see in my nig the piano.

 CHAPTER 30

    I tucked ter into my book and  to look for Speck. Panic overo t s only moments before. to a cold rain, obliterating any tracks s  a single soul could be seen. No one anss y, as co ring out anoto venture out into too go. A car eased around a corner and sloted me , quot;Do you need a ride? Youll catc;

    I remembered to make my voice understandable¡ªa single stroke of fortune on t miserable day. quot;No, t;

    quot;Dont call me maam,quot; sail like t;Its a nasty morning to be out, and you  or gloves.quot;

    quot;I live around t;

    quot;Do I kno;

    I sarted to roll up her window.

    quot;You  seen a little girl out ; I called out.

    quot;In t;

    quot;My ter,quot; I lied. quot;Im out looking for  my size.quot;

    quot;No. I  seen a soul.quot; S; is your name?quot;

    I ated and t it best to end tter. quot;My name is Billy Speck.quot;

    quot;Youd better go urn up.quot;

    turned tored off. Frustrated, I oreets and ter. teady drizzle, not quite cold enougo cerated t difficult to orient myself, so I used ts course t to tic to find  stop until late t nigand of evergreens croer sparroed, ing for a break in ther.

    Aoony sopped searcions I  at bay began to assault my mind. Unanss t orment me in quiet moments for t fe Kivi and Blomma o be alone. told me my real name, I  quiet, or told all and given o stay? A so stop obsessing, I rose and continued to stumble t darkness, finding nothing.

    Cold, tired, and o ter ran quickly, breaking over ecaps flas of courage. On tant s escape of a . quot;Speck,quot; I railed across ters, but s t of land, too large and unkno cross, so I sat on ted. On t her.

    I staggered into ted and depressed,  to talk at all. t  fe by ttled. After t a fire and fed me nettle soup from a copper pot, tory poured fort for tion of my name, except for o ;As soon as I realized s to look for raveled as far as t;

    quot;Little treasure, go to sleep,quot; Smaolac;ell come up  promise.quot;

    t morning or any ot. I read every tense moment, every crack and creak, every ed my grief and gave me rying to drating me drift aoo, but I felt any otry ted to remember properly. I ed t stopping aking me into tion. I kept t I sa and fell  to be merely tcer play over stone, I came upon  tucked beneaturned out to be a fa in a window of sunsernally. And never here.

    retcory. I spent an eternity trying to forget rying to remember. t to talk about  I surprised ter an afternoon of fiso tion not intended for my ears.

    quot;No our Speck,quot; Smaolacold t;If s be coming back for us.quot;

    tole furtive glances at me, not knoring of fiso sending t t on me. But   s survived, but I preferred to t so t to mind tense colors of her eyes, and a brief smile crossed my face.

    quot;S; I said to t group. quot;I kno;

    t turning over stones in ts and salamanders, to cook togete, and took its toll. Famisiny bones t cruncars emerged,  to bed, our stomacaxed by te late t morning and dro s once crossed my mind ting.

    Specks presence  and stare at tcs marcice driving  of my mind. Anyt triggered a memory could be stripped of its personal, embedded meanings. A raspberry is a raspberry. tap you ried to forget  my place as t of my kind.

    All of us ing for not I kneo make tco steal anot our number too feions, or perself ime ain relentless energy, but less so under B¨¦ka, and never under Smaolaco toed, or forgotten. No face-pulling, no contortions, no reports. As if resigned,  about our eternal business, sanguine t anoter or abandonment aed.

    I did not care. A certain fearlessness filled me, and I  ate to run into too son of cigarettes for Lucs for Cole unnecessary t and batteries, a dra, I fiddled asks¡ª atop a one ring around turtle sing to a necklace. I  up alone to turbed, as , and placed tortoises , but only because life  niger finally made me realize t Speck ting.

    e ending to delicate seedlings planted on a sun-drencolen ne tender ss¡ªsnap peas, carrots, scallions, a ermelon vine, and a roo rise like ail, to sniff to flee or ruders  rail and ion. Since t raveler pass our  our cultivated patc look a bit peculiar to trangers out in t of trees.

    trapped at trolled past ts and us. t man , ent on tually settled dotled er, unen t man took out a book and read somet to t off berees to relieve ime, for t only to finis to kiss terlude ended, trapped on ted a decent spell before running to t ted.

    ty er bottles littered tc  to me. tuaries by Louise Bogan. I leafed topped at t more t.

    quot;Speck,quot; I said to myself. I  said uries.

    quot; is it, Aniday?quot; Chavisory asked.

    quot;I am trying to remember.quot;

    to turned to see if my comrades o discover Lucep by ginger step, s flooded  an urgency to find o understand ell e conversations of my mind ill  to go, found t o convince  moved in my . And ever  it  too late, I resolved to begin again.

 CHAPTER 31

    I   to be a cs in uncertainty and danger. Our fles  fear for to make ter t our son all of time. Ed  a cures of t otraits leapt tions. Of my ole more tav Ungerland. I olen long ago. And o reclaim  in tcerfuge for a more sinister purpose. turbed pograped t t tting to steal our son.

    e lost Edime. On t gloriously ernoon, y, for I er services ter allo rying out ion. Afteress and I took Edo t face-to-face encounter s and monkeys. A rollers, desultory teenagers, even a family aggered a year apart, a conspiracy of freckles and blue eyes. too many people for my taste, but led along  complaint. Eded by tigers and loitered in front of t ton candy, roaring at ts to encourage t of ts black-and-orange dreams, one tiger tcs tail, annoyed by my sons entreaties. tess took advantage of Edraction to confront me.

    quot; to talk to you about Eddie. Does  to you? tely, and somet kno normal.quot;

    I could see ;ly normal.quot;

    quot;Or maybe its you,quot; s;Youve been different ely. Overprotective, not letting doors catcrees, but its as if youre afraid of  of your sigo become more independent.quot;

    I pulled o t of our sons ;Do you remember t someone broke into t;

    quot;I kne,quot; s;You said not to  youve been preoccupied ,  you?quot;

    quot;No, no, I just remembered, ograp nig made me t t music to express myself. I ess, and t under my fingertips. today in t like t St. Nico tra.quot;

    S my c.  and o be. I  t moment t I forgot t, and ts  t  ired of tigers and  or nearby, ready to beg us to let  ed and ion t Edly eaten by tigers, but a quick glance at t t cats stretc asleep in tion, t tess and feared t I  to break .

    quot;; I told . quot;Ed;

    So t ;Eddie,quot; s;;

    e  doo ave ition, alarming ts. tess stopped an elderly couple e direction. quot;tle boy all alone? tton candy.quot;

    quot;t c; ting a to tance be t of tled along, attempting to  and clumsy jog, ced penguin t o ted past Eds bill  , t us as ;t of t and off ;

    taking Edo never let go.

    Ede on a string, alening to break free. Before arted sc ess took good care of o cernoons. urned four, Eddie  in o o ing imaginary games and companions to ernoon, but to come back. t rusted es. Any one of them could have been a changeling in disguise.

    Strangely, my music flourision ained oys and books, I composed. tess encouraged me to find my oy used record store. Sickets to  music and books on orcration and instrumentation, and insisted t I go into ty to  t friendly cing, in essence, toire in treasure c from Ce dozens of  success or attention resulted from my efforts¡ªa coerced performance of a ne by a local c on electric organ ate. I tried everyto get my music  tapes and scores around try to publis usually received a form rejection, if anyt composer serves an apprenticess, even middle-sceac in my , I kneions  yet fulfilled my intentions.

    One p come in ter picking et in California, erest in actually recording one of my compositions, an atonal mood piece I ten sly after to say ted us to visit and stay at  tess, Ed to t summer of 76 and  fe cafe in Nortaurant among a alian joints, and unning   to see ties. Nothing weird prowling around California.

    tor of Grace Caternoon to record, and tone and balance t instrument I ered me algic for tet c a fees, and after rings for time, everyone seemed satisfied y minutes. As  our limited prospects. Per actually buy t ty about ts audience.

    t in told us not to miss Big Sur, so on our last day before flying ed a car and drove sout  of t bet tacular. tess ed to see to pull off and relax for a bit at a cove in tana ilderness. As  mist rolled in, obscuring turn back, o picnic on a small crescent beacy-foot straiger t plunges from te cliff to t ter luncess and I stretc on a blanket, and Eddie, all of five years old and full of energy,  us from rocks, and in our seclusion, I felt at peace for t time in ages.

    Maybe tides or ter luncess and I dozed on t. I range dream, one t  visited me in a long, long time. I alked to a ree and pulled at il  like a breacerror filled ion. t of our ribe stood around, cing an evil song. I  to take he boy screamed.

    Riding t over tess lay sleeping, gorgeous in repose beside me, and a t   to protect  around us, I lay on top of opped suddenly and ;;

    quot;Im ;

    quot;op. ;

    I rolled off uated myself. t, blurring tours of a small rocky peninsula t jutted out into tco its granite skull. Beerfall ran doo t loide. No ot t shore.

    quot;Eddie?quot; Sanding up. quot;Eddie!quot;

    I stood beside ;Edward, w;

    A t from trees, tolerable . I  spray.

    quot;; tess asked.

    quot;I  out on t island as far as you can go.quot;

    quot;Dont you kno;

    quot;I ed to see  t;

    quot;On t rock?quot;

    quot;Sting and staring at t;

    quot;All by s?quot;

    quot;For real, Mom. So get ;

    quot;Edories like t. t a person around for miles.quot;

    quot;For real, Dad. Come see.quot;

    quot;Im not going out to ts cold and  and slippery.quot;

    quot;;¡ªtess pointed out to trees¡ªquot;look at t.quot;

    Dark  do distance s. Sopped  come close, sranger. e peered at eacer, and t lasted as briefly as tograp time. Surned toerfall and ran, vanishing beyond in a haze of rock and evergreen.

    quot;ait,quot; tess cried. quot;Dont go.quot; Sohe girl.

    quot;Leave ; I ;S looks like s;

    quot;ts a   ;

    Eddie s and sat o tell us all about umbled out as he warmed up.

    quot;I ure and came to t tting t berees, looking out at to sit ;

    quot; is ; tess asked.

    quot;Ever o come er to c;

    quot;Eddie, did ss  ;

    quot;S took more told ;  tides, as if remembering a ion.

    quot;Did s;

    quot;No.quot;  around his shoulders.

    quot;Not all?quot;

    quot;S t ;

    quot;Did s; I asked.

    quot;Sarted calling me. And s. And I told o  rig my mommy and dad.quot;

    tess embraced our son and rubbed . S t;S slipped a;

    From t moment to tant our plane touc   lost girl, and   so mucerious appearance and disappearance, but y.

    tled in at o see the changelings everywhere.

    In tourday morning for a  ered by a toing urn, quietly sucking a lollipop as ared, unblinking, at my son. o eacy to finisences. Driving , I saery and ,  be plotting at suce  parties or t ried to o to find someone else  everyone scoffed ory. All c my oures. Be eyes exists a hidden universe.

    tets album, tales of onder, arrived by Cmas, and  t over and over for our friends and family. Edo  teady cello line and ticipating its arrival, t er imes one listened to ter midnig as a prayer, a sudden blast of my song startled me aing t, I came doairs in my pajamas, , only to find my son bug-eyed in front of tized by turned doo blink rapidly and shake his head as if awakened from a dream.

    quot;; I said in a lo;Do you kno is?quot;

    quot;Is it 1977 yet?quot;

    quot;ys over, fella.  made you put on t;

    quot;I ;

    I pulled o my lap. quot;Do you  to tell me about it?quot;  ans burro note resounded as to silence, so I reac off tereo.

    quot;Daddy, do you kno reminds me.quot;

    quot;Reminds you of rip out to California?quot;

    urned to face me until o-eye. quot;No. Of Speck,quot; ;t;

    it moan, I dre.

 CHAPTER 32

    Speck loved to be by moving er. My strongest memory is of ed by ts, empatic to tripped to tting ucked beneater rolled around  and tances, I ruck by tours of  move. On anoto, ced by terfloc reflecting on t I did not act upon t intuition because of a fundamental lack of courage. t ed me from crossing at to camp. I sers.

    to t of my first return. ted. t ts edge, and rusty cans, bottles, and ottered ted in t. Books lay  t in our old candleevens , I spent t restoring order, pulling do t  .

    Vibrations above announced tarted ts creaking under t and tterns of tines. I could picture ttling at tations. An  normal, I began to  covered my papers, and I spent most of t first day reading ts and pieces in order, tying tries in McInness journal. So muc be, forgotten, and buried after ime. Reduced to a s pile, ted times passage tle existed, for instance, from tic notes. Years  mention. After revieood the long chore ahead.

    for trapdoor underneation. Unlike on oto pick out a ne, rato steal neing supplies. Bereasure: five long yello t of my life. to introduce a minor intrigue, I also resevens t had been missing.

    ords spilled from te until my  t Speck left, became tory moved backo t ensions of being a groopped.  if sed me to go o stay, said t I lacked to run a a contrary idea pulled at my conscience. Perended for me to find out. S I loved  doalk o anshe unknowables.

    tes tossed and turned on t and started ing on a clean pad, determined to rid my mind of its darkest ts. ted one into t six montrying to piece togetory of my life to give to Speck. Our er ion sloired in December and slept until Marco to me.

    Solemn-eyed Lucs and drained tea. it deliberation, t on eittling in for a long talk. Luc of rye poking tending to study t the branches.

    quot;Good morning, lads. ¡¯s on your minds?quot;

    quot;eve been to t; said Smaolach.

    quot; gone t; said Luch¨®g.

    quot;e knooquot;

    quot;Read tory of your life.quot;

    Smaolacurned o;A  ;

    quot;?quot; I asked.

    turned t know wo look.

    quot;Youve got a feories ; Luc;May I ask o ;

    quot; did I get ;

    quot;My understanding is t an aut e a book  ; Luc;One doesnt go time and effort to be t expects to be picked.quot;

    Smaolac . quot;It ake, I to e a book t no one ;

    quot;You are quite rig times  dares to bring someto a ;

    I stood and broke tion. quot;ould you please tell me,quot; I ;;

    quot;Im afraid its your fat; said Luch¨®g.

    quot;My fat about o ;

    quot; w;

    quot; my friend means to say is t t your fat all. t man is anot;

    quot;Come ; said Luch¨®g.

    As ried to untangle tions of to my book. First, ting to  about tunately, tic cers, a bit eccentric, true, but steadfast allies in my adventures. tioning posed an intriguing concern,  t ao  actually get a book to Speck, or, more to t, about to e it all doy  to e do all. te no books, painted not tural hers?

    At sunset, epped out of cover and  to a scattering of graves in a green space adjacent to tery enclosed by a stone  back to safety, or pero a tranquil, overgroions on tones enants ook me on a opped s among to a plot and sone: ILLIAM DAY, 1917-1962. I knelt doters, considered t; ;

    Lucly. quot;e ;

    quot;I   name in a w;

    Smaolac;I still prefer Aniday. You are one of us.quot;

    quot;;

    quot;e t you srut see your fat nig t;

    quot;And you understand,quot; Luc;t t be your fat;

    I sat do to save myself from fainting. t, of course. By my calendar, fourteen years e on t gravestone. If  long ago, illiam Day could not be  illiam Day but o myself te, and calmly smoked it amid tones. tars came out to define tional secrets, but t I mig out for myself.

    quot;Let us a; Smaolac;and tomorro;

    e leapt te at trekked ion turning to smaller mistakes in my oory. Most of tions escaped scrutiny because my mind ed lanes. Speck old me  of viee clearly t of ters. My fatotal void. Life existed before t sufficiently dragged te t nig, I sat aallized before me. e  montigating t boy, finding out in excruciating detail ture and sory, s of mind¡ªall to assist Igel in t ory, infinitely better t myself. No I knerue name, to ruto , and no of my o Luc, only to find it vacant. In t burroed to disturb their peace.

    quot;Luc; I ell me a story.quot;

    quot;Aniday, for t you see Im sleeping?quot;

    quot;I need to kno;

    By time, sirring as ed until tangled to eye level. quot; is it?quot; he demanded.

    quot;You o tell me everyt ;

    Co tal posit ion quot;Rigo bed. Ask me again in ting. But noo my pilloo my dreams.quot;

    I  off by eace my excitement, I dre tired glares at breakfast t morning, and only after their fill did I dare ask again.

    quot;I am ing a book,quot; I announced, quot;about ory t Speck gave me before s, and noo fill in tails. Pretend Im about to make t on ;

    quot;O; Onions began. quot;You  t;

    quot;No, no, no,quot; said B¨¦ka. quot;You are mistaken. t a  all, but one of tical t;

    quot;You are bot; said C;e, smart boy ip of t ers.quot;

    quot;ts rig; said Luc;Mary and Elizabettle curly-tops, fat as lambc;

    quot;You couldnt  or nine,quot; said Chavisory.

    quot;Seven,quot; said Smaolac;;

    quot;Are you sure?quot; asked Onions. quot;Coulda s;

    tion continued in t of tested bites of information, and trut tant cousin of trut to tely and togetimes an ansed a fact in my brain. Sloime, a pattern emerged, and my curned to me. But one tery.

    Before ter, I  off, intent upon climbing t peak in trees o to t, ty looked like toy building blocks. Off to t village cut in t, try beyond. to t, a farm or trees and stone. I sat on taintop and read, dreamt at niger, I fasted and reflected upon tence. On t in t my fat in t?   botcartled by ted te lingered, taken my place wole me away?

    I kne man  ended for me. tealer of my story, thief of my life: henry Day.

 CHAPTER 33

    I  one face-to-face on try, and telling to o follo nigairs I  tcing for my son.  be safe as long as t be safe  let Edo locking our doors and latcion, infected my rest. to steady my sanity. False start folloart. I struggled to keep te.

    Fortunately, I ess and Edo keep me grounded. A delivery truck pulled into our cul-de-sac on my birt ted, quot;Its s ; ted t I remain in til my gift could be brougo tifully complied, mad  my sons jumpy exuberance and tesss sexy, knourn,  it migolen sruth ever be revealed.

    Edairs and udio. A great green boretcsey, tess presented me he scissors.

    quot;As mayor of ty,quot; I intoned, quot;Id like my distinguiso join me in t; e cut togethe door.

    t nee, but it iful from t e ter. Edops, and I took tess aside and asked how she could afford such a luxury.

    quot;Ever since San Francisco,quot; s;or maybe since Czecing to do t for sale at an old c. Your mom and C us over top, you s ed you to . I knos not perfect, but¡ªquot;

    quot;Its t gift¡ªquot;

    quot;Dont  t. Just play t;

    quot;I gived my allo; Edward said.

    I embraced tigune, and t do again to time.

    Still enamored er, I returned en to an empty and quiet urned on Sesame Street, and  to my studio to  a single s of folded paper icky note affixed to t;Lets discuss!quot; s  esss hands.

    t door s, and for a dark moment t danced t to t door just as tess inco took a feo ligo tcting food aicularly concerned about anyts.

    from ;Did you get my note?quot;

    quot;About t t?quot;

    S of ; do you mean, ? You left it on tion is:  it?quot;

    quot;In C;

    quot;C  o investigate t;

    total silence gave me away.

    quot;ere you t jealous of Brian? Because ly, ts a little crazy, dont you t;

    quot;Not jealous, tess. e o be trying to race ree. Find ;

    S and  to t;ts incredible. alk to Brian Ungerland?quot;

    quot;t ory, tess. I ran into  Oscars op by tional Arc find t maybe ;

    quot; believe a ;

    I stepped too enfold e to end tion. quot;tess, Ive alold you trut;

    quot;But  go ask ;

    quot; know ;

    quot;Everyone  oill does, I tell ;

    quot;But I looked ;

    quot;Youre kidding.quot; S;S me till o talk about t crazy old man all time.quot; Giving up, saircase.

    quot;Gustav?quot; I sed after her.

    S;No, no ...Joe. Crazy Joe Ungerland is Brians grandfat family, even t;

    quot;Are you sure  talking about Gustav Ungerland?quot;

    quot;Im going to start calling you Crazy  terested, all Brians mot; At top of tairs, s;Its s you  you o .quot; S free my ;tell t;

    Buried to ared straig blinking, and time I passed o a tree trunk nearby, and dismembered arms and legs poked up at odd angles from t tring tied to a cated in tuffed into ticipating Saturdays postman. terminds beopped t of t t catatonic as I he sidewalk.

    quot;Can you girls o be lost,quot; I said from ttom step. tective arm across ers shoulder.

    quot;Is your mommy or daddy ;

    quot;Its ed,quot; said ter. S teeth a lisp.

    quot;Scer.quot; ter may en, stick-t c ; to go see a cer?quot;

    I put one foot on t step. quot;Because Im a goblin.quot;

    to ear. ter directed me to look for a turn before t street corner, a  ;Its called Asterisk ay,quot; s;because its too small to ;

    quot;Are you going to gobble ; the smaller one asked.

    quot;Im going to gobble  out t and make yourself a skeleton.quot; turned and looked at eacher, smiling gleefully.

    An invasion of sumac and overgroerisk ay. o scrape  out and ered along te, and last on t  of me, racing across tled t ttle sisters  t in ttled me. I reaced t dark place, but  door.

    An elegant e ood tall and erect in t and searco ;rouble finding t; Ne;

    Mrs. Blake  put ot at ease. to gain tervieracking does ed over a lunce on Brian, , and I attempted to steer tion around to my ulterior motive.

    quot;So, Mrs. Ungerland ...quot;

    quot;Call me Eileen. I  been Mrs. Ungerland for years. Not since my first unate Mr. Blake met range accident c;

    quot;A cually ... Im so sorry, Eileen. About bot;

    quot;ell, you s be. I married Mr. Blake for  ; Sed to emple hin finger.

    quot;I  to Catary sc Brian in nint was ;

    ened, and sood up so quickly t I t sopple over. quot;ould you like to see pictures?quot;

    At every stage of o Edures, posture, even te corn on tion increased h each image.

    quot;Brian used to tell me pretty ories,quot; I said. quot;About t;

    quot;Did ell you about Opa Josef? ill a baby w I remember ;

    quot;t?quot;

    S back in ing t;It is a sad, sad story, t family.quot;

    quot;Sad? In ;

    quot;t married, ages ago. e kept tic. O y, maybe one  and rave about t  t, as if someto get tering about av, claiming t  really  all and t tav olen aer. If I remember, ter died on t plunged to grief. And till imagining spirits after all t;

    to feel unusually omac.

    quot;Let me t kno t Gettysburg. But til y, and t brot one. Suc;

    quot;Idiot?  do you mean, idiot?quot;

    quot;ts not  no back ts  on and on about  it rick of t t savant. Gustav  and extremely introverted. Maybe istic, if t;

    to my o feel faint.

    quot;Or maybe rung. But after t opped playing tely  of o be an old nun too. t mad opped playing tarted to let t drift rig out to see  titution, poor dear. You could tell  Lord only knoo live in tle   1934, I t ;

    S over to album and flipped to t of ted to a middle-aged man in a gray fedora. quot;ts crazy Joes son.  a girl.quot; ted to a ;Gustav.quot; For a brief moment, I t t  tograpion at all. Beneatc;La belle dame sans merci. Gone ime, but  not for oget ting oday, ;

    quot;But,quot; I stammered, quot;but o go on after so mucune?quot;

    quot;t all of us do. t I  on after losing t, you o let go of t, son. Be open to life to come. Back in ties, o talk about going off to find o say, ill I ever knoo be? Sucions beg straig you t;

    I felt faint, paralyzed, destroyed. I cra t door, all to bed. If ed quickly in tory.

    to rouse me from deep slumber t morning, tess fixed a pot of  coffee and a late breakfast of eggs and biscuits, av as an idiot savant. too many gs in ttic. e sat on tions of tended to read, but my mind rying to sort ties, ed  of tion of maddening intensity.

    tess stood and peered doreet bot sa;I cant stand it,quot; s;Im going inside until t off. Can I fres;

    quot;Al; I smiled and  reet, in t of Sunday morning, ter, beckoned o opped ly at me for an instant. retcures  and s. From doed a bony finger rig me, and turned oo late to see tures disappeared, ted, settled back in their chains.

    quot;Did you figure out ion ?quot;

    quot;t;

    quot;t;

    quot;I dont kno; I took a sip. quot;Little monsters.quot;

    quot;Monsters?quot;

    quot;Cant you smell t ran over a skunk.quot;

    quot; are you talking about? I dont smell a t;

    quot;I dont kno teria, a figment of t? A couple of kids.quot;

    S ;Are you feeling okay,  seem yourself today.quot;

    quot;Im not,quot; I said. quot;Maybe I so bed.quot;

    As I drifted off to sleep, ted my dreams. A dozen crept out of tepping out from beree. t on coming, a band of orapped inside, I raced from floor to floor and looked out tains as tly marco Eddies room, and o ers begin to climb up turned to me, menace and red in ttered in otting tle crescendo. I looked into tion morpo my fatav. Beures rose and reac its clao wrap around my neck.

    tess sat on t, and t ter t;Youve s okay, its okay.quot; I buried my face on  and sroked my il I gained my full senses. For a moment, I did not know w know who I was now or ever.

    quot;;

    Sion. quot;At my mot you remember? s ;

    I shivered in her embrace.

    quot;as it t mean old Mrs. Ungerland? You need to concentrate on ant and stop cer . Dont you knos you I love. And always ;

    Everyone  too dire to confess to friend or lover, priest or psycrist, too ent to excise  o ignore it; ot deep and lug it unspoken to t so  even times forgets t exists. I do not  to lose our c  to lose tess. My fear of being found out as a ced by tess  of t of my life.

    After rue story of Gustav, it is no  I remembered so little from t been stolen, I  our er in California  and a reminder of all t  stake.

    started seeing ttributed it to tress of discovering my past. tions, nig of my imagination, but tures s taunting me: an orange peel on table; an open bottle of beer on top of television; cigarette butts burning in t missing. My ced piano tropateition. Pograpters, books. I once  at t doairs and found a baked en on tertop. Furniture t  been moved in ages suddenly appeared next to open  my mot tramping on t outside to investigate. ty minutes later, time, one of t e in our backyard.  outside to catc, ture less, and I ed only for to go a peace.

    Someto be done about my old friends.

 CHAPTER 34

    I set out to learn everyt could be kno tory and its telling are bound to anding  agents. Because t since tcook special deligime, hem.

    Lucracked o an older neigos as if lost. opped and talked to t yard. After c be Kivi and Blomma in ers guessed C aime later, our spies spotted alking to a ime,  to teering wheel, shoulders heaving as he sobbed.

    quot;,quot; Smaolacold us afterward.

    quot;I noticed as ; said Luc;t e, as if y of t and ure.quot;

    I asked t t they assured me she was somebody elses.

    Luc; anot;

    C t;Maybe two of ;

    Onions agreed, quot;Or ;

    Luc tte, let it dangle from ;ockless clock.quot;

    quot;ell pick t; Smaolach said.

    quot;o find out more about ?quot; I asked them.

    quot;Not muc; said Luc;tle sisters.quot;

    quot;Our Cs of prizes for playing music,quot; said C;tiny sel, or at least t; S tropo admire, its facade reflecting t.

    quot;I follo if tion,  very good. t fiddle.quot;

    e all laugime, told me many more stories of t large gaps existed in tale, and singular questions arose. as my motill, or  my sisters and ion.

    quot;Did I tell you ; Luc;e  our old stomping grounds by   at C t t;

    quot;tell trut; C;;

    quot;And old.quot;

    quot;And ,quot; said Smaolac;Youre better off ;

    ting up in tured  reminded me of Speck. I trudged back to my burrorying to find comfort in the hard ground.

    In my sleep, I climbed a staircase of a teps carved into tain. took my breat  my bones. Only blue skies and a feeps lay in front of me. I labored on and reacop, and tairs continued doain, impossibly steep, even more frig go back and could not go on. From t. Sransformed.  me as if no time had passed.

    quot;Soget;

    I could not say a h, she would disappear and I would fall.

    quot;It isnt as difficult or dangerous as it appears.quot;

    S t ttom. ts  alone ing for someto  floods to find  me. At first s at me and s. t, erasing t. From beneat, to fill er florong gossamer rope binds my limbs. Rising to my c, to my cers waso h and fill my lungs.

    I ars came into vie, I rose and stepped out of t space onto t orange gloarlit  t I could eady breat in tion dried and evaporated off my skin. ood still, I do not kno I ed someone to materialize from to take me or to embrace me.

    I  back to uck mid sentence at t o sctle Oscar Love. During my first visit beneat of  my former life and circumstances. Needless to say, my first story reeked of false impressions. I gat and t t my parents lived still and t t ters ural fatrue. And, of course, t story ten er waken my place.

    e started croubled man. ions  argument. Ages ago,  as rangeness increased, tory.  most of ime locked aes on lined paper. urning er. Onions t t a telltale unen stared into tance, as if to extract from to tered questions. tanced from t up in s, and s house as if looking for a friend.

    aking in t, I over ted a degree of privacy, but train.

    quot;Do you to, ourselves alone?quot; Onions asked.

    quot;If c t moment. Perracted or dro every kno infernal organ.quot;

    quot;But if you c ; Onions said, never more plaintive. I cougo alert to my presence and o s. t be brazen enougo try, and I resolved to keep closer cs before one migch.

    In t, to spy on one ribe. t alone, forgotten, and given a co live out , for after to resent time among us and fear t ot. But suc, became less important to us. e o make our own rules.

    I asked to find my moters, and at Cmas t last.  of us dozed, Cole ao toreets. As a gift to me, to explore my boyo find missing clues t mig more meaning. tood in t as solitary as it ons of ne a celebration aking place at my former  to to see t ter of tivities, a gray- in an easy cree.  from its outstretco top, scrambling over to ts bricks I still o touc, making it easier for o eavesdrop. My moto tyle,  instrumentation. o hear her again.

    quot;Give us a song, ; s;like you used to do.quot;

    quot;Cmas is a busmans ; ; ¡¯ll it be, Mom? Cmas in Killarney or some ot;

    quot; make fun,quot; said one of ters.

    quot;Angels e ; said an unfamiliar, older man wed his hand on her shoulder.

    o to rejoin Cole one last look at ty, studied ters and scene for me, turned old tory t day, I o  my motails miginiest scrap of ne. I ree. Sers?  I  in tening to tory of t¨ªr na n?g. It is not fair to o miss someone for so many years.

    But t doo rue story of my imes letter by letter.  a single sentence  I o to steal more paper, and trasened to consume tale, I found myself tiring easily, early in t if I could string togeting riumpainty and procrastination.

    At times I questioned my reasons for ten proof of my oence. ories  of life. Id alk, and later all poplars outside my  of tc dragons and rescued trapped in oravagant deeds of my oion, Id ;Its only a story.quot; As if suc less real. But I did not believe ories ten do in time, to me te it doo s ale for cmare or daydream. Just as ories to exist, so do to give so te it to create meaning for my c ead of t, I could control tered. And srut lies belohe surface life.

    I finally decided to meet to-face. I  I no lines of ine. to aken a random score of music e, and left  I ed to confront o say goodbye, to my moters.

    I o to finisory. A man stepped out of a car and marc door of tired,   stoop to  tracted o gattered a stream of curses I considered pouncing out of t oo fragile to spook t nigead I squeezed to go about my craft.

    ing t summer, scolen from  and ernoons,  a sun-splasable. I could sense ed only by t, I climbed trapdoor and investigated.  spot in tack of books lay undisturbed,  slips of paper sticking out like tongues bet  titles on everyto a t;idiots savants.quot; Noted titles, but ive notes to himself on bookmarks:

    Not fairy but hobgoblin.

    Gustav¡ªsavant?

    Ruined my life.

    Find henry Day.

    to different puzzles, and I pocketed tes. In trated ttered about t a guilty pleasure at ed at t eventually ed  about ime to finising my book in t  evening, I packed ts in a cardboard box, placing a feop of t, and tter carefully and tucked t. After a quick trip urning one last time to collect my belongings and say my final goodbyes to te, I neglected to time. t   into t , but I stepped aaircase and began to walk home.

    ood not a dozen feet aly at me and ted instinctively, running straig o treet.  a single step. oe disregard for any people, crossed lazing t core in front of a moving car or t stop until deep in ting, laugil tears fell. to do er for t ory.

 CHAPTER 35

    quot;ter never breat; t t I found te to be true.  alive and at one ess and Eded tudio to ion and at t;You ; Over t eal, regenerating it constantly from to confess, seeking to craft a texture t o explain. I felt t if s ory in tess and and forgive. In my studio, I could take refuge at tains to feel safe and whe music.

    By time, I ra¡ªa impani from Carnegie-Mellon, a feo perform t ed. After Edess took  to o give me time alone in to finis a crapped in  out of ion, living in ternal life locked to all communication side reality.

    After struggling for years to find t stolen c across tes on taves a marvel of matical beauty and precision. tories told at time¡ªter erpoint. My met to juxtapose eacs double, for t is not reality. Sometimes our ts and dreams are more real t of our experience, and at ots t o e fast enougo capture tes t floing as amanuensis. I  to fully transcribe to assign all of trumentation¡ªtasks t migake monto perfect¡ªbut tial process of setting doed, as if in a s relentless logic, strange to to me e all along.

    At five oclock t afternoon,  and , I  to tctle of beer, and drank it on tairs. My plan , ty spaces ivity and accomplis. Moments after stepping into t sairs. it turning off ter, I stepped out, o, and o investigate. One of tains. , I stood til a sudden discordant ened me, as if a cat , but tudio y and silent. I took a long look around.

    t on table , not fallen to t any tary page fluttered across t to see. ubbed my toe on t on a piece of glass,  teps to t mig my manuscript. My bedroom y. In our sons room anot no glass littered t ttered from t. to clear my  for a moment on t for tion, and ts of Edess filled me  it, rue nature? I pulled at my  ill my scalp acoget noened to unravel.

    In team billo into tumbled to s off ter. On t mirror, someone . Copied above, note for note,  measure of my score.

    quot;You little fuckers,quot; I said to myself as the mirror.

    After a restless and lonesome nigo my mot immediately ans s still be asleep, and  over to to look in. From tcanding to her.

    quot;Doors never locked,quot; s; brings you ;

    quot;Good morning. Cant a guy come and see  girl?quot;

    quot;O I fry you a couple of eggs?quot; S tove, and I sat at tcable, its surface pocked  from dropped pots and pans, nicked by knives, and lined  impressions of letters ten t stirred memories of our first breakfast together.

    quot;Sorry I ; s;I ying up loose ends. Is everyt ;

    I empted to tell  ook atle German boy snatcale of tolen score. But soo care tory . Noneto tell someone, at least provisionally, of my past errors and t to commit.

    quot;Ive been under a lot of pressure lately. Seeing t truly myself. Like Im being follo;

    quot;Folloroubles is ty conscience.quot;

    quot;ed. And Ive got to sort it out.quot;

    quot;o my prayers. And o sing you to sleep every nigest trying to sing along  you could never carry a tune. t certainly co you t nig;

    quot;It is like tc;

    quot;Dont believe in fairy tales. trouble is inside, ; Sted my ;A mot;

    quot;;

    quot;; Sed  my cure from my ced. quot;You are uring yourself ions. Little devils.quot; S ered ;  tmares out of your ;

    I stood to go, t and kissed reated me kindly over the years, as if I had been her own son.

    quot;Ive known all along, ; she said.

    I left t asking.

    I resolved to confront t ing me. to flus ters, I o t Service provided topograping iculous detail, and I laid a grid over to manageable plats. For te my loat and my aversion to nature, I explored a feier te flag of one deer running atle flies. Not muc plenty of junk¡ªa sattered er; a small mound of empty cigarette packages; a canteen; a tortoisesones; a stopped camped Property Of County Library.

    Aside from t on its cover and t musty odor to its pages, tact. tory revolved around a religious fanatic named tarer or tearer. I gave up reading novels in cificial ruts construct elaborate lies to t could be kno t be just teen-year-old , so I took it back to tually nobody  midsummer day, except for a cute girl beer.

    quot;I found t belongs to you.quot;

    S t  treasure, brus;Just a minute.quot; Sack of stamped cards. quot;t t been c at all. Did you forget?quot;

    quot;No,quot; I explained. quot;I found it, and ed to return it to tful o;

    quot;Maybe I can ;  poked me in the ribs.

    I leaned close and smiled at ;Do you ;

    S. quot;;

    quot;Or fairies. Imps, trolls, sprites, c sort of t;

    t me as if I ;You s lean on t. talog rigical by subject, title, or aut;

    Ratcuts to useful information, one searc anot, t ed in forty-titles, of  t searco goblins and urn branco abnormal psycism. Lunc lig a nearby convenience store I bougtle of pop, and I sat on a bency playground, contemplating task before me. to knoen. In tless sunser y sunburn on one arm and t side of my face. From tared a person divided in t tried to keep my profile two-dimensional.

    My dream returned in full detail t nigess and I spoke quietly on t in to ter. As wallflowers: Jimmy Cummings, Oscar Love, Uncle Che librarians in bikinis.

    quot;; seased. quot;Still cers?quot;

    quot;tess, its not funny.quot;

    quot;Im sorry, but no one else can see t. Only you.quot;

    quot;But t if t;

    quot;t  Eddie. t you.quot; Sood up, tugged at ttom of , and jumped in ter er felt, and frog-kicked my o tess so me, reamlined and graceful, and  opped and stood, ter ran off ing like a curtain to reveal not  all, but a ening. I blancarily; t back again to ;s tter, love? Dont you kno;

    I  back to ted for a feitles, and sat do a corner table. tually every particular and no better tion. Nobody e accurately about ts and customs,  person o make t one single  o get rid of uned visitors. Or o protect your c in tales, I became ive to tillness of my surroundings, jarred by t penetrated t first to be tron languidly turning pages, or one of t of side for a smoke. Soon every minute sound intensified in t.

    Someone breating from an indeterminate direction. Later I e librarian, s  tcain pen racing across a pad of paper. t evening, someone began singing tunelessly to o a spot in tion. Not a soul around, I lay doo t carpet, catc nail. Carefully cut and nearly indiscernible, a carpet square o t, covering a panel or c open, but tartled me by clearing . itood up, mumbled an apology, and  back to my corner. Convinced t someto catcalk.

    Next morning, my books itles scrambled out of alpical order and all my bookmarks missing. t of tended to read, ening for any noises from beloo tion. t square ly raised above tapped on t a ed beneatoiled beloricks to furt red-led beood, stamped do a a word.

    t boy made me anxious, so I  out and stayed on til ticed me on t, but surned aended not to care. Alone again, I searco t  entranceo trip around tairs,  tion like a baby being born and stood t, blinking in t. Afraid t  attack me, I looked left and rige. ly at me, as if to seize my t in ed a for me to see  t w was. A  keep from laughing.

    Nervous for  my mot.  upstairs, I crept t knife, an iron crorong rope. From tole my fat kerosene camping lamp, its o touctered o lig it came to life and suffused ted corner hly glow.

    Insomnia gripped me t feil t back and memorized t of t step by step o do. Patience nearly deserted me. t  about my business as if not t remarkable ced savants ics or anotract system. I ory of av Ungerland and to me.

    But more tion, I simply and desperately ed my symp e a note kno op me from making urn t, or steal it back if need be. By no I ted to restoring my life.

    Unmistakable noises stirred beneatied, I napped in t seat of my car. Sultry August  poured in tended. tars  s nap ook out tools, and skulked over to telling  in a tounnels, tc t to tion. Anxious, I spent tctempting to ligern. t last caug clung to my sy back, and t. it a square and sa it op a small trapdoor, easily pried open  square separated our two worlds.

    Ligered up from belores and books, bottles and dis douck my criking snake,  of mine, not inc once, for ly as I ion in an old mirror.  no substance, and  move but stared back silently  blinking, ion, as if oo, ing for t and for it all to be over.

    togeto men, and men dream of took measure of t nigaken, and all at once my long-ern ring bit into my fingers, and my left eye tcension. t time I regretted av. For tess and ion but t of my oerrible to o such a boy.

    quot;Im sorry,quot; I said, and ed as I stared at to be.  in t brief moment   it go. A kind of eupook a deep breat myself again.

    quot;ait,quot; I called out to  turned and slid feet first t. ticipated, and I bumped my ood. tto  a murky sern to better see.  for t ansions. I ed noto talk to o forgive and be forgiven. quot;Im not going to  you,quot; I cried out in tling free of t and t knife on ty lantern creaked in my  s the room.

    me like a trapped fox. rembled as I approacing, searc illuminated tacks of paper and books. At , tied in a strand of tten pages sat next to my purloined score. My music had survived.

    quot;Cant you understand me?quot; I  my o ;I  to talk to you.quot;

    t eyeing te corner as if someone or someting turned to look,  me, knocking into ted tering tone s and papers ignited at once, and I snatcing it against my leg to extinguiso trance. As if fixed to t, ood gazing up in amazement, and just before climbing out of time: quot;;

    o me and smiled, t could not be understood. By time I got upstairs, a fog of smoke rose t follo as to lick tacks of books.

    After tess saved me. Distraug truction of tion  my fault, altted tories and fairy tales to see tmares and daydreams, to transfigure t not being able to remain children forever.

    tess and Ed seems I ed my spate of frequent visits and quot;erratic be; tern in t to link back to me ed my feeble explanations, and tle  e clearly  any proof, tter faded. tigation, as far as I knoo local lore, as if t into flames.

    ess and Eded er t times  over y, I searco tell ruty.

    quot;I feel responsible, in part,quot; tess told me over dinner. quot;And  rebuilding.quot; Over our lamb clined a plan to raise money for tails arrived in suc I kneess emplating tter since turn. quot;ell start a book drive, too, and you can make your concert a benefit for t;

    Stunned and relieved, I could raise no objection, and over t s of activity overacking tudio and garage.  age became a beeentioned. tantly o op of t interrupted our peace. An artist came by to ser designs for t. Advance tickets urday morning, Leo install it in ts a udents and tructed it measure by measure. t me too exed to consider my conflicted emotions. S up in tion tess ed, I could only truly function by concentrating on te for the performance drew near.

    From tco t premiere of tolen C nige October. Since I ors baton to Oscar Love, and our old Coverboys drummer Jimmy Cummings impani. Oscar ed a tuxedo for t oo respectable versions of our former selves. A feeac toget remaining nuns from our grade sctended. Ebullient as ever, my sisters s t me as if to impart a dose of  confidence. I  surprised to see Eileen Blake escorted by o. ary frig tudied ionally er all, and takes after  but appearance. itamed, and dressed up in  suit and tie, Edoget bot over ty of cess could not stop grinning t crooked smile of fully so, for to e long ago was nearly hers.

    to let in some fresumn nigs  breeze crossed tar and tioned at tics, and my back o t of tra as ook our positions; from tapped and tensed ton.

    From t notes, I ermined to tell tory of olen and replaced by someone else, and yet bot. In place of tance and separation from tion tilled, ant, and I could feel ted to t isfy myself. ture teased out ts: a, lamentation, and redemption, and at t ook up to to indicate t  save. And as Oscar erplay, I sacened to our music. As tempo slo, I took more co cching us.

    ening intently to t, I sao us  myself in its flo, I  strange face in t  me alone in t return.

    t notes of tomped for us. urned from to t one of tess ed Edo o join in joyful bravos, and caug must be done.

    By ing tess, I ask for your forgiveness so t I mig all to you. Music took me part of t tep is truto understand and accept t no matter  too late. My years of struggle to become ory. Facing to face myself. As I let go t, t let go of me.

    tole me aime in t among time to return came at last, I accepted tural order. e found t to ask  peroo far gone to reacime, and he has become someone else, someone new. he is gone, and now I am henry Day.

 CHAPTER 36

    ter imes uttered or ten, t I er our montc no envy for t of restrained pity. ion bo it run trange to settle on to time and lost to ones true nature.

    I  back for my book. Our encounter outside ted overnigo t a single candle to sory and isfied. tried to sing tes of o one bundle  my manuscript, papers from ter from Speck; and into anot of to leave at able. Our miscime o make amends. Above me, glass crastered. An obscene exclamation, a to tsteps approacrapdoor.

    Per t cions drifted from dread to excitement, a sensation not unlike ing at turn from o  o sless not befriend me after all t I did not e  olen music, give him my name, and bid him farewell.

    ting to figure out o get into to come to er an eternity,  back on its lig. A perfect square separated our t once, uck o ted over to traig six inc of ed me, for no sign of kindness or recognition marked ures, no expression but ra, ed o a snarl, and rage beat out of o our orc¡ªand co t;Keep your distance,quot; I ;I can send you from t; But  coming.   to do and lifted tern above my  past  my back.

    tern glass broke and a blaze spilled out like er over a pile of blankets, and traig. As ter,  t of ter, and  into to retrieve. urned around, rapdoor banged closed, and a long, t upward, brighe walls.

    On ture began to emerge in terne ligion, but as tlines flared and flickered. t once I perceived t: t Coast of ted States, tours of t Lakes, ty plains, to tly above my roke of tion, and some. Speck e and drarail to folloo tern ocean. S o t tone or painting  s line of try, sced on t rouge a constellation of draions, primitive and cory told on i??p of its ancestor. Some of t, as if a preoric being  memories like paintings on a cave  a stream. Ss, and tures from es and imps and goblins. Icarus, Visoons: Ignatz t Krazy Kat, Little Nemo slumbers in onderland, Koko jumps out of to knots, a garland knitted from morning glory vines. tures unemperature rose as in an oven, but I could not save myself from  corner, sed a left  s. to back on a mountain of books. On trance to ter  open. I o leave.

    I studied Specks passage , o commit it to memory.  to look up? A cinder popped and fle filled to t, but my bundle  fit ts ignited, sending a  knocked me to my knees. I tore open ttering papers to t ter and a feray c my c; to t.

    tars  and ts , and many of t t t ep, but I kne a toto and tories  up in flames. From a green o figucking to my s, I started trip  . In te darkness, fireflies flasheir semaphores of longing.

    Speck made it, I am sure, from o t Pacific idal pools, slept on tangle of knots, rong as ropes from sory of ry, tfields and soybeans of t, sunfloeep pitced Desert beyond, and finally ocean in vieook you so long? And I ory and il in . Only tep by tortured step.

    took kind care of me upon my return to camp next morning. Onions and B¨¦ka scoured to sootered feet. Co tern and dreer to quenc and o ure and to erary remains. Only a fe survived to prove t it ed. I told t Specks map on t s beo store it in tive consciousness of tribe.

    quot;Youll simply o remember,quot; said Luch¨®g.

    quot;Rely upon t is a complicated mac; Smaolac;I can still recall exactly  w saw you

    quot; tion re-creates.quot; Coo mucime h my old friend.

    quot;Sometimes I dont knourns  is real or t;

    quot;A mind often makes its o; said Luc;to ime.quot;

    quot;Ill need paper. Do you remember  me some paper, Luc kindness Ill never forget.quot;

    From memory, I transferred Specks map on to tter, and in t folloailed map of try and any book  California and t be anyplace along t. tainty t I y sustained me as I began again. My feet  quietly in our camp, ing every day outdoors  gave o tumn.

    As to yelloo crispy brorange sound drifted nooo our camp. Emanating from till nigarts and fits, broken noraffic on t Friday nigball games, and tter of noise t intrudes upon modern life. Running like a river, t and spilled doo our glen. Entranced by top to listen, and mad y, Luc out to find its source. te October night.

    quot;Stay just a s  ;

    By t of trap to my travel pouc;And ;

    , and  get my attention,  louder. I looked up to see er almost as big as   he broadside.

    quot;You  upside down, Luc;

    quot;Surely you can read it any er. t at t only tide but, underneat, a small  engraving of two figures in flig.

    quot;;

    Smaolac;No matter  as likely to be rig youll stay for t;

    quot;You cant miss t,quot; Luc;Anot as long.quot;

    e footed our , a last bit of miscogetaking bold delig not being seen. On t of t es of tones. tifully, Ill admit, and o stand next to to laug  ill stered for breat still. Cor, racing arcs and  taring at t stars.

    Cinc everyration ten on ime es, . trings alone took up t measures, and  t ransformed, younger ter. I  o leave, I can never know.

    transfixed by tra, and I am quite sure t ted me looking t tar and out into to study t once  roo leave t c of trangers to me. I kept o see my sisters, but, of course, till ageless c ened, seemed to glance my o crao o feel  my co be o be kno among to  s   someood.

    smiling and playing, and like a book told a story t seemed, in part, a gift¡ªas if, in our only common language,  beat in . Some sorroions, as if above and beloerludes, tes, I t oo, rying to say goodbye, goodbye to to silence. quot;Aniday,quot; Luco t or t like a torm. One by one, o t tones and back into t, as if we he people.

    o leave come tomorroory  taken nearly as long to re-create. I  been concerned ting dos, nor a detailed explanation of tand suc and beloer troubles exist for co tories old or believed. Reac all t souls and t beent to remain as t c me. e all go away one day.

    Sell ill. Say o my baby sisters. Kill t I  as far as ters to look for s t. A name, love, urn and his book is for you.

    I am gone and am not coming back, but I remember everything.

 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

    to Peter Steinberg and Coates Bateman. I am also ed to Nan talese, Luke Epplin, and everyone at Doubleday, to Joe Regal and table Bess Reed. to Melanie for ful reading and suggestions and for years of encouragement. to all my children.

    For tion, Sam olls, Ellen Bryson, Gigi Bradford, Allison Ba o Jane Alexander and Ed Sherin.

    Saraure: A ory of Mots, and Natural Selection inspired ticle on ts of th.

    Keiton, D.C. For many years, er at tional Endo for ts, and no anotolen C novel.