《The Notebook》


 Acknowledgments

    tion. Names, cers, places and incidents are eit of tion or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

    ted o Cathy, my wife and my friend.

    tory is  is today because of to theyve done.

    to t ience, and t eful for everything youve done.

    to Jamie Raab, my editor. ted nature. You made to call you my friend.

 Miracles

    ory end?

    tting by a  is foggy  tucked into a ter knitted by my daugy birtat in my room is set as  s directly be clicks and groans and speale dragon, and still my body s  y years in the making.

    Eigimes, and despite my oance of my age, it still amazes me t I  been warm since George Bus.

    I  is for everyone my age.

    My life? It isnt easy to explain. It  been tacular I fancied it  neit (native to t  resembled a blue-cock: fairly stable, more ups trending upime. A good buy, a lucky buy, and Ive learned t not everyone can say t  do not be misled. I am nots, and Ive led a common life. ts dedicated to me and my name ten, but Ive loved anot and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.

    tics ory, t a tragedy. In my mind its a little bit of botter o vie in t does not c t it involves a great deal of my life and to follo my pat aken me; enougs to fill a circus tent about ot t one, and I   any other way.

    time, unfortunately, doesnt make it easy to stay on course. traig no is stre accumulate over a lifetime. Until t  its impossible norong nor  like an old party balloon: listless, spongy, and groer over time.

    I couged eyes I cc is time to go.

    I stand from my seat by topping at to pick up tebook I imes. I do not glance t.

    Instead I slip it beneatinue on my o t go.

    I iled floors,  people  for television, but to it.

    A person can get used to anytime.

    I ance and knoly w eacings.

    talk often, but I am sure t me and t I go ten as to whemselves as I pass.

    quot;t; I ;I  turns out ; But tly to me about it. Im sure t o talk about it so early in t.

    A minute later, I reac usually is. too smile at me as I enter.

    quot;Good morning,quot; take a moment to ask about tions. e talk above te or so. t seem to notice; to it, but then again, so have I.

    After in t o be s still s er after tement of ts oday is no exception. Finally t. Botouc this means.

    I sit for just a second and stare at  s return tand, for s knoo urning arengto be , my fait of questions I definitely  anser Im gone.

    Ready no of my pocket comes a magnifier. I put it on table for a moment  takes to get to t page. t the magnifier in place.

    t rigo read tory  kno matter. Its ty t keeps me going, not tee, a sort of . And t anything is possible.

    I realize t me. But science is not total ansime. And t leaves me  miracles, no matter  regard to tural order of t as I do every day, I begin to read tebook aloud, so t s, in t t o dominate my life  maybe, it will.

 Ghosts

    It ober 1946, and Noacation-style o sit er  conscious direction. It was ine her.

    o look at trees and tions in trees are beautiful in deep autumn: greens, yelloime, Noa things.

    t in 1772, making it one of t, as ,  ation, and  it riger t t eleven montune repairing it. ter from ticle on it a fe  restorations  least ty ory, and t  of the day.

    t on t to Brices Creek, and  lined ty, c or termites, replacing posts , especially on t side, and as  tools ae to call and o t tea, t ter igue.

    Afterea, and gone to t,  time.

    retc to ted tine.  good and clean nole sore tomorro   of o do.

    Noaar, remembering rummed once, adjusted tension on trings, trummed again. time it sounded about rigo play. Soft music, quiet music. tle , to sing as nigil the sky was black.

    It tle after seven led back into o rock. By , ars (in tellation Ursa Major大熊座), Gemini双子星座 and tar北极星, tumn sky.

    arted to run topped.  almost ire savings on to find a job again soon, but  ao enjoy toration   it. It  for  al money usually bored o enjoy simple t couldnt be bougime understanding people herwise.

    It rait  from her.

    Clem, o  . quot;; ted ly,  round eyes peering up aken  sill moved well enoug  nighese.

    y-one no too old, but old enougo be lonely.  dated since  met anyone erested   a distance beted to get close, somet sure ried. And sometimes in ts rigined to be alone forever.

    taying o ts and tling leaves, t ture ion tural took, and t o to be. times during ter a major engagement,  about t;Itll keep you from going crazy,quot; old . quot;Its Gods music and itll take you ;

    ea,  inside, found a book, turned on t on . After sitting do orn, and tained er. It  man, and   t aken a bullet for him once.

    ing it off just a little. t t of him:

    thy hour O Soul,

    t into the wordless,

    A,

    the lesson done,

    th emerging,

    silent, gazing, pondering t best,

    Nigars.

    o man al of people  of t  surprising.

    Like so many souto gre older.

    friend ty-year-old black man er Noa te evening togetting drunk and telling stories.

    No out of t blame er talking for a little imes they played for hours.

    o regard Gus as family. t anyone else, at least not since  year. ed to at one time, he had never married.

    But  ime ago.

    And it  love did t to a person, and t.

    Coastal clouds sloo roll across turning silver ion of ted it against tomatically, keeping a steady r evenings,  ing back to a een years ago.

    It  after graduation 1932, t of tival.

    to in full, enjoying barbecue and games of c o a girl ty,  kept on coming. quot;; s;Finleys told me a lot about you.quot;

    An ordinary beginning, somet en  been anyone but  as  triking emerald eyes, aken  breat s of  never find again. S good, t perfect, wrees.

    From t  like a tornado old

    some cayed at tival until t.

    t ter t, and t Sunday o craigo Fort totten Park,  time in a small to t ely neo augo bait a line and fisook an Forest.

    tcorms, and to  seemed as ther.

    But  toobacco barn, it z and do ton, and tumbled t feually paid off, and togetil terime and  o t told  one day o o and fix it up. t ogetalking about tist - and on a  in August, t ty.

    ter, sook a piece of  of summer coc  slept t before, t  t week alone on harkers Island.

    Noac-to t of t in sig be coming.  back to  again.

    alking to Gus about  time ioned arted to s;So ts t you been running from.quot;  , Gus said, quot;You kno, tc, slavin so ime to catc for tupid, or tryin to forget. And ryin to forget. I just didnt kno;

    about  of  totten Park, time ting on tanding by te, alouche color of emeralds.

    on t nigar, ening quietly as he music of his childhood.

    t to Gastons Drug Store, or to ter, or even own. Everyw brougo life.

    It een years   Ne summer, togets, pieces here of growing up, and few, if any, evoked any feeling.

    old Gus about it one nig only ood, but  to explain o tell me t t time you fall in love, it cter ry, tellin me about  love. And no matter ;

    Noao fade, urned to man. o see raccoons and possums scurrying near t nine-ty  upstairs to te in ions and ty minutes later, airs, sniffed , and t t of his bed.

    Earlier t evening and a  alone on ts  ly damp  t toars,  for days - and ruggled some more t in t tunity slip away.

    Lon didnt kno ted to  s  to visit some antique s.

    quot;Its just a couple of days,quot; s;and besides, I need a break from planning t; S bad about t kneell ruto do   be fair of o ask o understand.

    It le before eleven. So a small inn doo to case,  and putting everythe drawers.

    Sress for directions to t antique stores, t t few y she was back in her room.

    S on t speak long, , but before taying and promised to call t ion, not of to make him suspicious.

    S four years no  , and seering at tal doo it  ted. t ered bodies. roduced  a Cmas party, sly ure and a sense of  drove all her fears away.

    elligent, and driven, a successful la also making a name for ood  of success, for  of t in  e (social position, class) system of ts en t important consideration in marriage. In some cases, tion.

    tly rebelled against ted a fe described as reckless, so Lons easy o leman, boture and responsible, and during terrible periods of to urned  secure  was wed his proposal.

    ty about being  once before, long ago, and if s noo return book (purse, , ated, and almost made it to t coincidence  tbook do if s no.

    S to tarted a bater cemperature, so taking off , and pulled out a razor and a bar of soap, t of tiful since s ioned, breasts softly rounded, stomac, legs slim. Sed   feature o say. taking t to turned off t, set a toepped in gingerly.

    Ser. tense, but so go back to Raleigangible, and t e to find tores in t area, ted so. Lon  type to co s about s and  ther.

    ed  it noter w reason she gave.

    Sub before finally getting out and toweling off.

    S to t and looked for a dress, finally c dipped slig, t h.

    S on and looked in turning from side to side. It fit  sually decided against it and put it back on the hanger.

    Instead s t on. Ligouc buttoned up t, and t didnt look quite as nice as t one, it conveyed an image s e.

    Stle makeup, just a touco accent her eyes.

    Perfume next, not too muc tan, lo oo muc, and s it back doter.

    epped back and evaluated  too dressy, not too casual. S  to overdo it. After all, s knoo expect. It ime - probably too long - and many different t  to consider.

    So  range; s normally t, even as a c it  times, especially  imidated most of the boys her age.

    Sbook and car keys, turned it over in imes, t give up no left t instead sat on tch.

    Almost six oclock. So leave in a fees - s  to arrive after dark, but stle more time.

    quot;Damn,quot; s;; but once s s  true. thing here.

    If nothing else, she would have her answer.

    Sbook and t until so a folded-up piece of neer taking it out slo reverently, being careful not to rip it, s and stared at it for a ; so ;t its all about.quot;

    Noa up at five and kayaked (lig single-person canoe  dowo cups of coffee.

    of ts t needed it. It e autumn or early er (in Nortemperature over eigime  and tired and glad for the break.

    e at ts cimes and glide to ter) somey) er. For some reason  t tinct  cens of thousands, of years.

    Sometimes incts  time and al t. At least in t primal o dominate, trying to control t. t.

    tle after to a small s sat near  in, found s  on  to ted  his line.

    Fis on  noer  uttered badly as a ceased for it. o speak less and less, and by t speak at all. arted classes, eac arded and recommended t  of school.

    Instead, ook matters into  ero ack ;Its good t ime toget; ;just like my daddy and I did.quot;

    During time togetalk about birds and animals or tell stories and legends common to Nort eaco read ry. quot;Learn to read to say anyt to.quot;  again, and by t utter. But inued to go to tman and tennyson aloud as ry ever since.

    a little older,  most of ions alone. an Forest in  canoe, folloy miles until o t.

    Camping and exploring became  , sitting beneatrees, ly, and playing ar for beavers and geese and  isolation in nature, far from people and tified s.

    Alt, years of ing at ts, and ic success led to popularity. ball games and track meets, and t of eammates spent time toget; most simply figured  faster t none had ever made an impression on him.

    Except for one. And ser graduation. Allie. his Allie.

    alking to Fin about Allie after t tival t first nigions: first, t t it  .

    t tug at  tugging eventually stopped, and after reeling ,  again.

    Fin ended up being rigs. Most of to make excuses to s o see eac  t t like

    class, too poor, and ter became serious ;I dont care s t; s;ell find a o be toget;

    But in t. By early September tobacco ed and s to return o inston-Salem. quot;Only t us,quot; . quot;ell never be over.quot; But t fully understand, tters e  unanswered.

    Eventually o leave Neo   also because t impossible.  first to Norfolk and  a so Nehere.

    ually found a job in a scrap yard, separating scrap metal from everytent on collecting as mucal as  a o start in Europe and t America  t o have a job.

    ougo type of labor, and  only did it  it  o do. ;Give a days ealing. t attitude pleased ;Its a s Je;You’re suc; It  compliment Goldman could give.

    inued to t Allie, especially at nige  never received a reply. Eventually e a final letter and forced o accept t t t heyd ever share.

    Still, tayed er t letter,  to inston-Salem in t to  ser talking to some neig recognize t s t Allies fat t no fored. t trip  and last time he ever looked for her.

    For t eig first  as ted. By 1940 ered tire operation, brokering taff of ty. t scrap metal dealer on t Coast.

    During t time, ed a fe ed for togeto feel t  Allie.

    But neit  o touco linger, to ire day in bed,  fully satisfied bothem.

    S be togetoionsold ;I  I dont kno is. t of you t you keep closed off from everyone, including me. Its as if Im not t;

    ried to deny it, but s believe ;Im a  me sometimes, I knos like you keep ing for o pop out of to take you a;

    A monter sed  old  someone else. ood.

    ted as friends, and tcard from  heard from her since.

    mas.

    time fisalking, and once in a rip to t to go camping on ter Banks near Ocracoke.

    In December 1941, y-six, t as Goldman ed.

    Noao ent to enlist, turned to Neo say good-bye to er  camp. ter from Goldman togetificate entitling o a small percentage of t ever sold. quot;I couldnt   you,quot; tter said. quot;Youre t young man w Jewis;

    ttons tramping ts in Norts in Europe y pounds on ry unit never far from action. ccching over him.

    er in Japan. Just before ter from a laing Morris Goldman. Upon meeting t t Goldman ate liquidated. t seventy ted about it.

    turned to Neing out tended to make. her seemed weak as he walked around, coughing and wheezing.

    Noa old  to worry, assuring  he flu.

    Less ter  to ery. Noaried to stop by regularly to leave some floe. And every nig fail ook a moment to remember aug mattered.

    After reeling in t t back to to ts in appreciation for w hed done.

    ired so raise ter

    through.

    Once s,  in tered Dodge truck and  to see Gus. opped to tore because Guss family didnt have a car.

    One of ters  Capers General Store.   unpack t aead  to sit on the porch.

    Sill rouble believing it, even as s  s o tco get a cup of coffee, and o table, ed at a small picture.

    quot;Remember t;

    er an uninterested first glance, someture caugook a closer look. quot;It cant be,quot; s  doicle  speaking. So table and sitting opposite  aside taring at  moments before.

    quot;Are you okay?quot; ;You look a little pale.quot; S ans  siced   started.

    quot;And  ; s it back, remembering t s s er t day  out ticle. S again before s to bed t nigrying to fat again t morning as if to make sure t a dream. And noer ter traction, it he reason shed come.

    ic beo stress. It  excuse; everyone understood, including Lon, and ts o get aressful to everyone involved.

    Almost five ed, including tor, and to Peru. It oo muc t  like running ao get married  t s agree; like tician er of attention.

    Sook a deep breatood again. quot;Its no; s to tly before opening it and going doairs. t and  to   time, tarted turned rigo Front Street.

    S surprised t sill kne been   large and sed treets easily.

    After crossing trent River on an old-fas doo permit or urned onto a gravel road and began the final leg of her journey.

    It iful ry, as it al it y, fertile soil t ton and tobacco. timber kept to of tate, and as sside to  attracted people to this region.

    to   c all. Broken sunliger oaks and rees a  tall, illuminating t, a river tourned as life to a different, larger river anotself s ebellum (pre-Civil ar (in t for some of t cs ancy of t back a flood of memories, and s igten.

    t above trees on , and as s still standing. S t summer, looking for souvenirs from tates, and as  day became stronger, as if t erday.

    A majestic oak tree on to vie, and tense. It looked t retcally along tting beneatree on a  July day   took everyt  t moment t s fallen in love.

    ime, o focus once again.  of someone slig like a farmer coming er  came to t faint lines o form around t seemed to read .

    all and strong,  bro o ree  t  and fluent, almost musical in quality. It  belonged on radio, and it seemed to o ening closely, and letting touc coaxes me to the dusk.

    I depart as air, I se locks at the runaway sun...

    imes.

    op, and talk. Sell  sed in ure - and en intently and to make it all come true. And t made  to alk about icular poem and , and at otimes  studied  intense way of his.

    tce togetars. It ting late by ts  t moment, t really didnt matter to  ed toer, ook  t warmed he whole way back.

    Anoturn in t in tance. tically from o tree-lined dirt drive t led to t had summoned her from Raleigh.

    Soook a deep breatcance, ,  seemed to vaniso the scenery.

    inued foropped beneatree t s of turned taking tered to a .

    epped off to approacopped cold as sime all tare at eac moving.

    Allison Nelson, ty-nine years old and engaged, a socialite, searco knoed by t t o dominate his life.

 Reunion

    Neither.

    said anyt  recognize  guilty about s   it o say. But s. Everyt came into e, somehow lacking.

    ts of to ared at iced tle  seen . it tucked loosely into old faded jeans, sapering doo narroomacan, too, as if side all summer, and ttle ter t.

    ook a deep breath and smiled.

    quot;s good to see you again.quot;  startled   in er sly, o smile.

    quot;You too?quot; ammered.  o iced  s;Its really you, isnt it? I cant believe it.quot;

    S all came toget sometc made  a second.

    S ing for control. S expected to   it to  come ... Yet... Yet t on despite  s fifteen again. Felt as s in years, as if all ill come true.

    Felt as t anotoget  natural t ig real, botting teen years of separation dissolve in t.

    tayed like t for a long time before so look at him.

    Up close, s noticed at first.  tness of yout lines around   been to , more cautious, and yet t.

    ears as tears from the corners of her eyes.

    quot;Are you okay?quot; ions on his face.

    quot;Im sorry, I didnt mean to cry ... quot;

    quot;Its okay,quot; ;I still cant believe its you. ;

    Sepped back, trying to compose  of ears.

    quot;I saory on to come see you again.quot;

    Noa;Im glad you did.quot; epped back just a bit. quot;God, you look fantastic. Youre even prettier no;

    S t like fourteen years ago.

    quot;t, too.quot; And  about it. treated him well.

    quot;So w o? ;

    ions brougo t, making  could  careful. Dont let t out of old  goes on, ts going to be. And s  it to get any harder.

    But God, t, dark eyes. Surned aook a deep breato say it, and ed, . quot;Noa t to see you again, but to it t t.quot; S;I came o tell you.quot;

    quot; is it?quot;

    S ans, surprised t s tell  yet. In t a sinking feeling in omacever it was was bad.

    quot;I dont kno. I t I did at first, but no so sure ...quot;

    ttled by t from under turned at tion, and Allie raction.

    quot;Is ; she asked.

    Noaigomac;Actually its a sines  yea;

    tcretco a bit when she saw her limp away.

    quot; o ; salling for time.

    quot; by a car a fe, called me to see if I ed  anymore. After I sa let  doroy (animals).quot;

    quot;You ,quot; srying to relax. S o;You did a oring it. It looks perfect, just like I kne ;

    urned ion as  talk and w she was holding back.

    quot;ts nice of you. It e a project, t kno again.quot;

    quot;Of course you ; sly  about t t about everyt least sime ago.

    And  t, srangers no ell t fourteen years apart ime. too long.

    quot; is it, Allie?quot; urned to o look, but sinued to stare at the house.

    quot;Im being rat I?quot; srying to smile.

    quot; do you mean?quot;

    quot;t of t kno to say. You must t;

    quot;Youre not crazy,quot; ly.   as tood next to one anot on: quot;Even t kno;

    quot;Like o?quot;

    quot;? I t;

    Sated and looked to  door. quot;Do you need to tell anyone?quot;

    ;No, to tell. Its just me and Clem.quot;

    Even ted t be anyone else, and inside s kno t. But it did make o say a little  would here was someone else.

    tarted tourned on a pat go of  enougance bet t accidentally touch.

    ty still,  eyes, and s it almost seemed as tiful   to raits  desirable. traits like intelligence, confidence, strengt, passion, traits t inspired oto greatness, traits o himself.

    Allie raits, ;A living poemquot;  came to mind o describe o others.

    quot;; so a small grass hill.

    quot;Since last December. I  t t;

    So ions in ;t;

    on. quot;I t you mig out okay.quot;

    quot;Me too,quot; he said.

    quot;Are you glad to be back ;

    quot;Yeas are o be.quot; ;But  you?quot; ion softly, suspecting t.

    It  before s;Im engaged.quot;

    , suddenly feeling just a bit  . ts ell him.

    quot;Congratulations,quot; ;;

    quot;turday. Lon ed a November ;

    quot;Lon?quot;

    quot;Lon ;

    surprised. t poial families in tate. Cotton money. Unlike t of  page of the newspaper.

    quot;Ive  quite a business. Did Lon take over for ;

    S;No, ice doo;

    quot;it be busy.quot;

    quot;.quot;

    one, and t question came automatically. quot;Does reat you ;

    S ans time. t;Yes. ;

    ant   it  ricks on him.

    quot;; sook a couple of steps before answering.

    quot; after I got back.quot;

    quot;Im sorry,quot; sly, knoo Noah.

    . top of topped. tree ance, . Allie could feel ared in t direction.

    quot;A lot of memories t;

    S;I kno ;

    quot;Yes,quot; eering no more.

    quot;Do you ever t it?quot;

    quot;Sometimes,quot; ;Usually  sits on my property no;

    quot;You boug?quot;

    quot;I just couldnt bear to see it turned into kitcs.quot;

    Srangely pleased about t. quot;Do you still read poetry?”

    ;Yeaopped. I guess its in my blood.quot;

    quot;Do you kno Ive ever met.quot;

    quot;Im no poet. I read, but I cant e a verse. Ive tried.quot;

    quot;Youre still a poet, Noaaylor Cal; ened. quot;I still t it a lot. It  time anyone ever read poetry to me before. In fact, its time.quot;

    made bot back and remember as to t passed near the dock.

    As ttle lourned orange, ;So, aying?quot;

    quot;I dont kno long. Maybe until tomorro day.quot;

    quot;Is your fiancé ;

    S;No, ill in Raleig;

    Noa;Does ;

    S;No. I told iques.  understand my coming ;

    Noatle surprised by  o come and visit, but it irely different matter to ruth from her fiancé.

    quot;You didnt o come o tell me you en me instead, or even called.quot;

    quot;I kno for some reason, I o do it in person.quot;

    quot;;

    Sated. quot;I dont kno; srailing off, and t made  as teps. then he asked:

    quot;Allie, do you love ;

    Somatically. quot;Yes, I love ;

    t. But again,  one, as if s to convince opped and gently took  reflected in her eyes as he spoke.

    quot;If youre  try to stop you from going back to  if t of you t isnt sure, t do it. t to ;

    too quickly. quot;Im making t decision, Noa;

    ared for a second, o er a moment ;Im not making t;

    Stle. quot;Its okay. I really cant blame you.quot;

    quot;Im sorry any;

    quot;Dont be. to be sorry. Im tten.quot;

    ;to be , Im still glad you came. Despite everyts good to see you again.quot;

    quot;t;

    quot;Do you t o start over (began again)?”

    S him curiously.

    quot;You  friend I ever ill like to be friends, even if you are engaged, and even if it is just for a couple of days.   kind of get to know eac;

    S about it, t about staying or leaving, and decided t since  , it  not wrong.

    Sly and nodded. quot;Id like t.quot;

    quot;Good.  dinner? I kno serves t crab in to;

    quot;Sounds great. ;

    quot;My raps out all  I ;

    quot;No, t sounds fine.quot;

    ed over ;Great. t t be a couple of minutes.quot;

    Allie ciced tension s o fade. Closing  t breeze fan ook a deep breat for a moment, feeling tared at ty t surrounded her.

    S aroma of autumn leaves rode on t soutrees and tening to ter a moment, surned toranger might.

    God, er all time. Sc er. o pull it, and despite ted ter.  it  and s, letting most of ter escape. After setting trap on t and began to remove to a bucket.

    Sarted oo ts ced te and added ty-nine. Sixty-seven degrees, s as so  kno e, but it felt about right.

    As sten iful everytance.  a couple of lig seemed to be t least tricity. Out side tos, notain. try ill lacked ting.

    Sepped on t creaked under . ty squeeze-box, and Noa back to c size. So t sat on touc, running ure ting in it, fis en, rough feeling.

    Sime   s at times like those.

    quot;It s in their evening harmony.

    So t time in the feeling was gone.

    So kno , to understand, to accept it - s no until s - the carving.

    Noah loves Allie,

    in a . Carved into t.

    A breeze broke tillness and cood t ernately looking do toil sh, as she spoke.

    quot;Its so peaceful ; she said, her voice dreamlike.

    quot;I kno to be close to ter. It makes me feel good.quot;

    quot;I oo, if I ;

    quot;Come on, lets go. toes are getting vicious, and Im starved.quot;

    turned black, and Noaarted to beside him.

    In t a little lig   exactly sure if ses later, Clem greeted t nose in tioned  ail between her legs.

    ed to ;Did you leave anyt you need to get out?quot;

    quot;No, I got in earlier and unpacked already.quot;  to he years had suddenly been undone.

    quot;Good enoug; arted up teps.  t by tochen.

    It e rigs , allo from morning sun. It asteful restoration, not overdone as was common w.

    quot;Do you mind if I look around?quot;

    quot;No, go aill o put t;

    t for a second, and Allie kne inued to c t t little tch again.

    Soured t fees, icing  looked. By time s urned toceen again, and it made  second before going on. Damn, s, get a  youre engaged now.

    anding by ter, a couple of cabinet doors open y grocery bags on tling quietly.  ting a feo one of ts. Sopped a fe from  ter, one leg over t how much he had done.

    quot;Its unbelievable, Noaoration take?quot;

    bag ;Almost a year.quot;

    quot;Did you do it yourself?quot;

    ;No. I al I ed t  it  too muc  of people. But even  ill a lot of  of time I didnt stop until past midnig;

    quot;;

    Gs, ed to say, but didnt. quot;I dont kno ed to finis anyto drink before I start dinner?”

    quot; do you ;

    quot;Not mucea, coffee.quot;

    quot;tea sounds good.quot;

    to a small room off tcurning ea.  a couple of teabags and set tove, teapot. After putting it on t a matco life.

    quot;Itll be just a minute,quot; ;tove s up pretty quick.quot;

    quot;ts fine.quot;

    eapot wled, wo cups and o her.

    Sook a sip, tioned to;Ill bet tciful w s;

    ;It is. I  in on t t reason. Even in tairs.quot;

    quot;Im sure your guests enjoy t. Unless of course t to sleep late.quot;

    quot;Actually, I  s stay over yet. Since my daddy passed on, I dont really knoe.quot;

    By one, s making conversation. Yet for some reason it made o realize  before s, .

    quot;Im going to get to marinate (steep or soak (meat or fises before I steam em,quot; ting er.  to t eamer and lid.  t to ter, t to tove.

    quot;Can I give you a ;

    ;Sure.  cutting up some vegetables for ty in t;

    ioned to t near took anotea before setting er and retrieving t to ts on ttom s of to make room for ood next to inctive - and felt  tle of  sauce, turned to tove.

    Noa in ter, t sauce and some oter stirring ter to make sure t to to get the crabs.

    before going back inside and stared at Allie, c ts. As ,  so make muco him.

    But to o taneous, passionate - as  artists to be. And sely t. Artistic talent like . ings in t  as good as w here.

    Sing before s t summer. It  a picture of o  remely sensual.  it, and en did late in t sroke.

    A dog barked in tance, and Noaanding ime. , turning back to tciced how long hed been gone.

    quot; going?quot;  finished.

    quot;Good. Im almost done ;

    quot;I  I ;

    quot;;

    quot;From a neig;  tarted t and began to rinse ter, tting t one. Allie picked up o ch him.

    quot;Arent you afraid t;

    quot;No. Just grab em like t; rating, and she smiled.

    quot;I forget youve done t;

    quot;Ne it does teaco do t matter.quot;

    S ter, standing close to ied  t on tove. urning to speak to her as he did so.

    quot;You  to sit on tes? Id like to let em soak for a ;

    quot;Sure,quot; she said.

    oget to t as t outside, and  in to y,  inside for a moment and emerged ea and a beer for  took it, sipping again before s it on table beside the chairs.

    quot;You ting out  you?quot;

    able. quot;Yea out . Its a  no;

    quot;I can see  you do t;

    quot;Actually, I dont do anyt  no satisfies my creative urges.quot;

    quot;;

    quot;Morris Goldman.quot;

    quot;Excuse me?quot;

    ;My old boss from up nort of t as I enlisted and died before I got  back to tates, o buy t up.quot;

    S;You alold me youd find a o do it.quot;

    t quietly for a moment, took anotea. quot;Do you remember sneaking over  you first told me about t;

    on:

    quot;I got tle late t evening, and my parents ure my daddy standing in tte, my motaring straig  time my parents kne you, and my motalk er t nigo me, Im sure you t I dont understand  I do. Its just t sometimes, our future is dictated by o . I remember being really  ;

    quot;You told me about it t day. It  my feelings, too. I liked your parents, and I  like me.quot;

    quot;It  t t like you. t t;

    quot;t muc;

    t to feel t ars  o her face.

    quot;I kno. I als ;

    quot; it no;

    quot;t its  it isnt fair. It errible to learn. t status is more important than feelings.

    Noaly at  said nothing.

    quot;Ive t about you ever since t summer, she said.

    quot;You ;

    quot; you t; She seemed genuinely surprised.

    quot;You never ansters.quot;

    quot;You e?”

    quot;Dozens of letters. I e you for t receiving a single reply.quot;

    S;I didnt kno; sly, and  must ters   ion.

    quot;It , Noa try to understand. Once I left, s it o just let it go. Sood  to me, and to be , I dont even knorying to protect my feelings, and s t o do t o ters you sent.quot;

    quot;t  o make,quot; ly.

    quot;I kno;

    quot;ould it  t;

    quot;Of course. I alo.quot;

    quot;No, I mean ?quot;

    It took a moment for o ans;I dont kno eit t;

    S respond, and in to on: quot;But yes, Noa least, Id like to t;

    urned a;s Lon like?quot;

    Sated, not expecting tion. Bringing up Lons name broug feelings of guilt to t s know o answer.

    Sook anotea, and listened as a apped in tance. Sly. quot;Lons  of my friends are insanely jealous. t, and in a lot of ing s. quot;But to be sometions;

    S kne rue nonet  Noaed the answer in advance.

    quot;;

    S;I guess I still look for t summer.quot;

    Noa about ions seen her.

    quot; you?quot; s;Did you ever t us?quot;

    quot;All time. I still do.quot;

    quot;Are you seeing anyone?quot;

    quot;No,quot; he answered, shaking his head.

    Boto t t, trying but finding it impossible to displace from t ied it so quickly.

    quot;Im going to go start ter. Can I get you anyt;

    S to tc teamer and tarcables, coated t some grease into ter turning t on loimer and pulled anoto t about Allie and t heir lives.

    Allie, too,  Noa  a lot of t s engaged but t  Noa t o feel t real love, t to forget   normal for o tc normal to confess tell anyone else? as it normal to come hree weeks from her wedding day?

    quot;No, its not,quot; so o t;t any of t;

    Noa at t moment and s  o t it anymore. quot;Its going to take a fees,quot;  back down.

    quot;ts fine. Im not t .quot;

    ness in ;Im glad you came, Allie,quot; he said.

    quot;Me too. I almost didnt, t;

    quot;;

    I o say, but didnt. quot;Just to see you, to find out o. to see ;

    didnt question furtead .

    quot;By to ask, do you still paint?quot;

    S;Not anymore.quot;

    unned. quot;? You alent.quot;

    quot;I dont kno;

    quot;Sure you do. You stopped for a reason.quot;

    . S; Its a long story.quot;

    quot;Ive got all nig; he answered.

    quot;Did you really talented?quot; sly.

    quot;Cmon,quot; ;I  to s;

    S up and folloopped in front of ted to ting t el. S noticed it earlier, more surprised it ;You kept it?quot;

    quot;Of course I kept it. Its ;

    Sical look, and ;It makes me feel alive . Sometimes I o get up and touc. Its just so real - t it sometimes. Its incredible, Allie - I can stare at it for ;

    quot;Youre serious,quot; she said, shocked.

    quot;As serious as Ive ever been.quot;

    S say anything.

    quot;You mean to tell me no one old you t before?quot;

    quot;My professor did,quot; s;but I guess I didnt believe ;

    inuing. quot;Ive been draing since I  a little older, I began to t it. I enjoyed it, too. I remember ing t summer, adding to it every day, c as our relations even remember  started or ed it to be, but some evolved into to stop painting after I   summer. I t  in college because it o do; I remember spending udio all by myself and enjoying every minute. I loved t  made me feel inside to make sometiful. Just before I graduated, my professor, ic for told me I  of talent. old me I sry my luck as an artist. But I didnt listen to ;

    Sopped ts. quot;My parents didnt t o paint for a living. I just stopped after a ouc;

    Sared at ting.

    quot;Do you t again?quot;

    quot;Im not sure if I can anymore. Its been a long time.quot;

    quot;You can still do it, Allie. I kno t comes from inside you, from your , not from your fingers.  you  ever go as . Youre an artist, Allie.quot;

    ty t s saying it just to be nice. ruly believed in y, and for some reason t meant more to ed. But something even more powerful.

    to close for Allie, ted in o separate ted t consciously, t to to admit.

    But at t moment sill  completely a, and surned to face oucantly, gently, amazed t after all tly w so heir eyes locked, she once again realized how special he was.

    And for just a fleeting moment, a tiny ime t h him again.

    timer  off in tcurned a, strangely affected by o o   stop t old ly cursed timer as o tc burned er, and sa tables and o crackle. ttering to  some butter out of ted a bit more for the crabs.

    Allie o tc. quot;Can I get table ready?quot;

    Noaer. quot;Sure, plates are over tensils and napkins t plenty - crabs can be messy, so ;

    look at   to realize aken about   it to be a mistake.

    Allie, too,  t and feeling . table: plates, place settings, salt and pepper. Noaable, and touched briefly.

    urned tention back to turned tables. ed teamer, saill e, and let turned to small talk, easy conversation. quot;;

    quot;A couple of times. But only in salads.quot;

    ;ture. ; airs for a moment, turned ton-down s.  open for her.

    quot; t  you to stain your dress.quot;

    Allie put it on and smelled t lingered in t - inctive, natural.

    quot;Dont ; ;its clean.quot;

    S;I kno just reminds me of our first real date. You gave me your jacket t nig;

    ;Yea elboo your parents rying to get me to ;

    quot;You didnt, t;

    quot;No,quot; he answered, shaking his head.

    quot;?quot;

    quot;S kno just didnt seem like t to do at time.quot;

    quot;Come to t, you ;

    quot;I prefer t confidence,quot; h a wink, and she smiled.

    tables and crabs  time. quot;Be careful, t,quot; o  across from eac table. tea ill on ter, Allie stood and broug over. After putting some vegetables and bread on tes, Noa for a moment, staring at it.

    quot;It looks like a bug.quot;

    quot;A good bug, t; ; me ss done.quot;

    rated quickly, making it look easy, removing t and putting it on e.

    Allie crusoo  time and time after t, and o use o get t. S clumsy at first,  ake, but ty.  care about t. he never had.

    quot;So, ; s took a second for o answer.

    quot;Fin died in troyer orpedoed in forty-t;

    quot;Im sorry,quot; s;I know ;

    tle deeper no; t time I saed, and o eac a lot of time toget imes I talked o joining. I dont t t I o.quot;

    quot;ts not fair,quot; s up t.

    quot;Youre rig miss ;

    quot;I liked oo. ;

    quot; t.quot;

    S ;;

    quot;I kno it.quot;

    quot; did ;

    Noa;t o figick. t you cantly, t sort of t;

    Sly. quot;Did you believe ;

    quot;Of course,quot; ;;

    quot;You men alick toget; sable, poking  on. quot;So, tell me everyto since I sa.quot;

    tarted to talk t time. Noaalked about leaving Ne  touctle, avoiding most of tails, and told  alked about going to college, painting, and  volunteering at tal. Salked about ies s up anybody ted since t seen eaciced tioned it.

    Afterried to remember t time salked tened  type of man to talk like t comfortable ss and feelings. Sried to explain t so be closer to  it o make a difference.

    But sitting  shed been missing.

    t eit, to regain timacy, ty, they had once shared.

    talking muc c it ting late. tars  in full, ts a little quieter. alking to Allie and oo muc s about  would some could.

    Noa up and refilled teapot. t to table, and er, adding teabags to both.

    quot; t;  for  cold, and soon taken t over ciful, . And inside, he ached.

    For somete simply,  no next to one anot just  topped, and tiny.

    quot;Its been quite a nig; er now.

    quot;Yes, it ; s;a wonderful nig;

    Noaurned to tars, t empty inside. t ed never to end. ell  could  would make ay?

    knoo say not he had failed.

    t rs again, over t. Somewhere were people making love.

    quot;talk to me,quot; sricks?

    quot; s;

    quot;talk like you did to me under tree.quot;

    And ing distant passages, toasting t. man and tennyson and Bro so familiar.

    Sed  t a bit ime   just t did it. It , ter ts. S try to break it do  to, because it  meant to be listened to t ry, s,  ten to be analyzed; it  to inspire  reason, to touc understanding.

    Because of o a fery readings offered by tment ened to different people, different poems, but opped soon after, discouraged t no one inspired rue lovers of poetry should be.

    tea, sitting quietly, drifting in ts.

    t  s t aken its place, tirrings t o sift and so deny t no to stop. It  this way.

    Lon could not evoke t ried before, many times, using everyto guilt, and s sed to  until marriage. ook it  Noah.

    But t made  to , and it o do  al of tention. ork came first, and for ime for poems and ed evenings and rocking on porc of ed . But s  enouged somet, somet conversations in candlelit rooms, or per being second.

    Noaoo, ing ts. to  special times  all in detail, t again. Everytric to him, charged.

    Noting beside .  moonlig separate for far too long ...

    o tars and remembered ty nig since t seen eac all to t impossible to press ted to make love to o urn. It he world.

    But  could never be. No she was engaged.

    Allie knely, didnt care really, just kne  was enough.

    S about tion at dinner and  loneliness. For some reason s picture ry to someone else or even s seem type. Eit, or s  to believe it.

    S doea, through her hair, closing her eyes as she did so.

    quot;Are you tired?quot; s.

    quot;A little. I ses.quot;

    quot;I kno; one neutral. S get up rigead s sea, feeling it warm .

    Sook trees, temperature dropping.

    S Noa. t  all.  mentioned it and s asked, mostly because s  to imagine .

    quot;I s; s back to him.

    Noaood  a o . Sarted to take off t  opped her.

    quot;Keep it,quot; ;I  you to .quot;

    S ask o keep it, too. Sed it and crossed ero ood tanding on  porcer a ing for a kiss.

    quot;I  time tonig; ;t;

    quot;I did, too,quot; she answered.

    ;ill I see you tomorro;

    A simple question. S ted to keep ;I dont t;  hing.

    ted eased  s? S kno as so find t all came clear. quot;Id like t.quot;

    Noa expected o ansed to touco take  . quot;Can you be  noon?quot;

    quot;Sure.  do you  to do?quot;

    quot;Youll see,quot; ;I kno to go.quot;

    quot;;

    quot;No, but its a special place.quot;

    quot;?quot;

    quot;Its a surprise.quot;

    quot;ill I like it?quot;

    quot;Youll love it,quot; he said.

    Surned aempt a kiss. S kno kne if ime stopping   rig tarted t a bit.

    quot;See you tomorro; sing t.

    Noa. Surned it around, toos vanisrees and the engine noise was gone.

    Clem o ted doo pet tention to c s reacer  time, turned to the back porch side by side.

    in time alone, trying once again to fat  passed. t it. Replaying it. Seeing it again.  again. Running it by in sloion.  feel like playing ar no feel like reading. Didnt know w .

    quot;S;  for   notle activity except for Clem, ;Are you all rig;

    And sometime after midnig clear October evening, it all rus looked like an old man, someone  a couple of  over in ears in  knoop them.

    Phone calls

    Lon he phone.

    seven, t eigy, and now cy-five. here was she?

    o t seen o dinner, . No,  seen her since.

    Lon s one in t. But t rial, even if trial y to catc interruption.

    ered t no of it came from being able to select tise to win.  level in ice.

    Only a select fey  kind of stature, and ed t. But tant part of tention to details, especially tle t  noter of laation,  in udy, and it .

    And notle detail bot about t   Allie. But damn,  put .  t least   sometime after tle detail.

    Detail. Somet? Sometant?

    t ?  . . But ?   started, and ion again. No, not of the ordinary.

    But t , he was sure now.

    rip  all.

    about . Not only y and best friend as er a  o  t moments, and  w o hear.

    But more t,  after t a feimes, o  o all   ready for a steady relations;Fine.quot; But on  turned and said: quot;But your problem isnt me, or your job, or your freedom, or  is. Your problem is t youre alone. Your fato  makes you empty inside, and youre looking for someone  no one can do t but you.quot;

    tayed  nigrue ter some persistence, santly agreed.

    In ted, sed, and ime  practicing laing ood, but still,  making time. Once en ary co make sure  overextending himself ...

 Check?...

    And co t .  for a second. No. Not, t fail no, think. New Bern.

    t popped into  t . ttle detail, or part of it.  else, though?

    Neotle, mainly from a ferials opped times on to t. Notogether.

    But Allie igs grip, anot coming together.

    Anot.., but there was more ...

    Allie, Ne a party. A comment in passing. From Allies moticed it. But w had she said?

    And Lon paled t  Allies mother had said.

    It  Allie being in love one time  puppy love. So o smile at Allie.

    But s smiled. S s person far more deeply ted. Maybe even more deeply teresting.

    Lon brougogeting t ly ique shopping. Possible. Even probable.

    Yet... yet… w if?

    Lon considered ty, and for t time in a long time, ened.  if?  if sh him?

    rial,  she had.

    And  to lose  took to keep e like her.

    So, rembling  time t evening. And again there was no answer.

 Kayaks and Forgotten Dreams

    Allie  morning, forced by t carlings, and rubbed iffness in  slept er every dream, and s positions during t, as if verifying time.

    S in t s  t togeter and conversation came back to alked about ing.

    It ed, yet uplifting, and as to replay in  to see him again.

    S tctering birds searc. Noaed daco sneak out o do it because s  allo, but s been caugo unfold. quot;Look t; c sunrise ter t  moment.

    And as s out of bed to take , ser tchinking somehow he probably had.

    S.

    Noa nig, clean flannel s, blue jacket, and boots. eetairs, drank a quick glass of milk, and grabbed ts on t ter Clem greeted o tored. o let ts magic, loosening up his muscles, warming his body, clearing his mind.

    tained, y taco  above terline to keep off ted it free from t it at , inspected it quickly, took it to tered by ,  in ter s ream  and engine.

    t crisp, and t colors: black directly above ain peak, te range, becoming ligil it met took its place. ook a ferees and brackiser, and began to reflect. t of tle time to spend on ter. Camping, ing, o go. For t part o explore Neryside on foot ime, but in fourteen years  canoed or kayaked once. It  turned.

    t mystical, about spending daer,  to  almost every day now.

    Sunny and clear or cold and bitter, it never mattered as o music in er turtles resting on a partially submerged log and c, skimming just above ter before vaniso twilig preceded sunrise.

    to tco stretcer. opped paddling  enoug to keep aring until ligo break trees. o pause at daybreak - t erhe day.

    , questions danced in er drops in a frying pan.  Lon and ype of man  tions of all, t Allie and why she had come.

    By time  rene it aken tricks out topped questioning it months ago.

    o dry, stretces, and  to tored  to t a fe from ter, and as urned toed t ill a little stiff.

    t burned off yet, and iffness in ed rain. o tern sky and saorm clouds, t definitely present. t blo  to be outside w ime did he have? A few hours, maybe more. Maybe less.

    on nes, brus doairs to tc before, picked up a little around t to ter. Steady, but it art dropping soon. tern sky promised t.

    o never underestimate t o go out. tning  story. Especially if er. A canoe o be y sparked in humid air.

    ting off til later.  to toolser co it,  stone until it ;A dull ax is more dangerous t; o say.

    t ty minutes splitting and stacking logs.  easily, rokes efficient, and didnt break a s.  a feo ter and brougting the fireplace.

    Allies painting again and reac to touc, bringing back t seeing   about  made er all t sort of power did she have over him?

    urned ao ter again. It  c ch. Allie should be here soon.

    Allie o cemperature. It  cold outside, and s  and comfortable, maybe a little snug, but it looked good, and sed some  matched.

    S toaken its toll  sy beginning to er, t active ter in try, looked a little more run-do ill operating  movies. Fort totten Park looked exactly t een years ago, and ser sc to  o be.

    No seemed, not seemed so improbable, everyto place as it  sicle in t  very difficult to imagine, because ines seldom c  try club, to te scal. After t, a visit o get ready for dinner  a point to leave   a week she saw him regularly.

    S t,  one day en promised to and usually folloing back to t;I cant tonig; ;Im sorry, but I cant. Let me make it up to you later.quot;

    S like to argue  it, mostly because selling trutrial  s imes ing   to spend time h her now.

    S gallery, almost  in ion, turned and  back. S t   least t?

    S inside - it  of t Street - and broings. Many of tists rong sea flavor to ts of ocean scenes, sandy beacugboats, piers, and seagulls. But most of all, s .

    On one ings t more suited astes. All ist s appeared to ecture of ting s, sed tist ed t completely focused. Yet t directing  s. It ic. t about it, t, and s before s s because it reminded  more closely and t to  maybe Noa. Maybe sart painting again.

    At nine-ty Allie left t to ment store doo took a fees to find  ion. Paper, dra good enoug  painting, but it art, and sed by time s back to  at tarted  getting t again, letting ser a fees of abstraction, screet scene as seen from   came. It  as if sopped.

    S o try next and finally decided. Since s  in arting. And t  scene, it came naturally and began to take form.

    Minutes passed quickly. Seadily but cime frequently so s be late, and s a little before noon. It aken almost t surprised  looked as t aken a great deal longer. After rolling it up, s it in a bag and collected t of  t  exactly sure why.

    Doairs again and out t she heard a voice behind her.

    quot;Miss?quot;

    Surned, kno ed at erday, a curious look on his face.

    quot;Yes?quot;

    quot;You  nig;

    S;I did?quot;

    quot;Yes. All from a Mr. ;

    O;Lon called?quot;

    quot;Yes, maam, four times. I talked to ime.  you. ;

    Srying to  simes? Four?  could t mean?  if something had happened back home?

    quot;Did  an emergency?quot;

    ; say, miss, but  mention anytually,  you, t;

    Good, s. ts good. And t as suddenly, a pang in .

    erday? ent? It ely unlike ? No... t  to folloo Noa.

    So call o get around it. But s  to, strangely. time, and sed to spend it doing o il later, and for some reason s almost as if talking to  e? A late dinner and then a walk? Maybe. Or a movie? Or...

    quot;Miss?quot;

    Almost noon, s. , sely felt as if shed been released from shackles.

    talk to ed to. S feel t it didnt bot cing no;Is it really almost t;

    ter looking at t;Yes, a quarter till, actually.quot;

    quot;Unfortunately,quot; sarted, quot; rig reacell  Ill try to call er?quot;

    quot;Of course,quot; ion in  ?

    ly e for a single own, she was sure.

    quot;t; s;Id appreciate it.quot;

    tes later so Noaicipating t terday s t meant.

    As ses after s thouse.

    Noating in  tea, listening for t turn up t around front and cree again. Same spot as yesterday. Clem barked a greeting at ail wagging, and he car.

    Sepped out, patted Clem on t urned, smiling at Noao, and again  a slig seeing   from yesterday, t simply memories anymore. If anyttraction for ronger overnigense, and it made tle nervous in her presence.

    Allie met ly on t  after she pulled back.

    quot;; s;w;

    tle, t. quot;Not even a Good afternoon or ?quot;

    Sience rongest attributes. quot;Fine. Good afternoon. ? And w;

    ly, t;Allie, Ive got some bad ne;

    quot;?quot;

    quot;I o take you someplace, but  sure we s;

    quot;;

    quot;torm. ell be outside and mig . Besides, t be lig;

    quot;Its not raining yet. ?quot;

    quot;Up t a mile.quot;

    quot;And Ive never been t;

    quot;Not ;

    S for a second wermined.

    quot;t care if it rains.quot;

    quot;Are you sure?quot;

    quot;Absolutely.quot;

    ting t;tter go no; ;Can I bring t in for you?quot;

    So o t it inside,  in a bag, bringing it  the house.

    to ttle closer terday.

    quot; exactly is t;

    quot;Youll see.quot;

    quot;Youre not even going to give me a ?quot;

    quot;ell,quot; ;do you remember  and c;

    quot;I t about it t made me cry.quot;

    quot; youre going to see today makes ;

    quot;I guess I s;

    ook a feeps before responding.

    quot;You are special,quot;  made ed to add somet , and Allie smiled a little before glancing aiced it  later. After tossing to make sure  missed anyto ter.

    quot;Can I do anyt;

    quot;No, just get in.quot;

    After so ter, close to the dock.

    tepped off to t carefully to prevent ty, kno w  looked.

    Allie sat at t of t missing tarted to paddle, but s rue.

    Sed to see if surned  most of all sed to c  t toned at top, and s muscles flex roke. oo, and sly. here from paddling every morning.

    Artistic, s. t artistic about his.

    Sometural, as if being on ter  of a gene passed on to ary pool. c  discovered this area.

    S tely resembled ed, almost contradictory in so many  simple, a strangely erotic combination. On try boy, erms. Yet to  ry t made , or per illed in o savor life more fully to, and t tracted o him.

    quot; are you t;

    S  a bit as Noa o t. S said mucarted, and sed te like t.

    quot;Good t; sly, and s   t , and s her as well.

    Sood t sometirring  cc. And as t t in s, and surning away before iced.

    quot;; she asked.

    quot;Anot any more t.quot;

    A pause. t;Its pretty out . Its almost like going back in time.quot;

    quot;In a  is, I t. t a single farm betarts, and ter is pure as rain. Its probably as pure as its ever been.quot;

    Soell me, Noa do you remember most from t toget;

    quot;All of it.quot;

    quot;Anyticular?quot;

    quot;No,quot; he said.

    quot;You dont remember?quot;

    er a moment, quietly, seriously. quot;No, its not t. Its not . I can remember every moment oget really pick any one time t meant more tire summer , t over another?

    quot;Poets often describe love as an emotion t  control, one t over  plan on falling in love  if you planned on falling in love  once , it  neitrol e our differences, and once iful ed. For me, love like t s  toget a single moment of it.quot;

    Allie stared at  to  knoo say and stayed silent, .

    quot;Im sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable, Allie. I didnt mean to. But t summer ayed  cant be t t doesnt c about you t;

    Sly, feeling ;It didnt make me uncomfortable, Noas just t I dont ever .  you said iful. It takes a poet to talk t Ive ever met.quot;

    Peaceful silence descended on tance. A mullet splas rocked t ever so sligopped, and toination.

    Allie noticed it all, every sound, every t. ing  ing t fe ty coming  seeing ticle, ts,  temper during dayligerday sed to run aension  of it, replaced by somet t as she old red canoe.

    S strangely satisfied t s Noaurned into type of man s  s kno feroyed by ime, or even money. It took strengto o inner passion, and Noa.

    t a poets, and people anding Noaood t toing t brougy to the world.

    ook time off to fix a man or Eliot, finding images in ts of t? Or ed da t drove society, but s t be treated as unimportant. to  , t only upon coming here.

    Or rat. S once before, and again sting sometant as creating beauty. Painting o do, s no anot. A fair s, no matter w anyone said.

    ould Lon encourage ing? Sings a couple of monter t started going out. It ract painting and  to inspire t. In a  resembled ting above Noaood completely, t may ouce. Lon ared at it, studied it almost, and t it o be. S boto answer.

    S being completely fair. S Noa in knoure y. It ed to live, ted to live. And t describe te relations t necessary to be fulfilled in a relationsended to marry. Passion ime, and tibility ake its place. Shis was all she needed.

    But noion. y in everyt   an engaged  to stare and glanced aen, but t o keep her eyes from him for long.

    quot;; Noaorees near the bank.

    Allie looked around, not seeing anyt;?quot;

    quot;; ing t an old tree t  completely hidden from view.

    ree, and boto loo keep from bumping them.

    quot;Close your eyes,quot; o er and felt t of t forhe creek.

    quot;Okay,quot; er opped paddling. quot;You can open t;

 Swans and Storms

    t in ters of Brices Creek. It  large, maybe a

    moments before.

    It acular. tundra serally surrounded ting so close toget s see ter. From a distance, t like icebergs.

    quot;O; sly, quot;its beautiful.

    t in silence for a long  a group of cly cruggling to keep up.

    ter. t part. to move o touc ones and felt thers ruffling under her fingers.

    Noa out t earlier and  to Allie. Stered ttle ones, laughey swam in circles, looking for food.

    tayed until tance - faint but po ime to leave.

    Noao t of tronger than he had earlier.

    Sill amazed by ;

    quot;I dont knoe to Lake Matamuskeet every er, but I guess time. I dont kno. Maybe t off track or somet;

    quot;t stay?quot;

    quot;I doubt it. tinct, and t ter  to Matamuskeet.quot;

    Noaly overo fall, a lig first, tning, a pause, ttle louder noill getting .., cursing to o Moture...

    teady nocrying to defy gravity as it rode on erly  rees. ttle more, and big he clouds. hurricane drops.

    Allie enjoyed t to let it   of es, but s care. Siced, t s ness. It felt   felt in years.

    A cloud burst directly above to come doempt at keeping dry, making Noater.

    kno. Even to come, ed t sed to be caugorm like this.

    tes later, and Noao step out.  out  to drift a in case, ied it to te in t make any difference.

    As ying t Allie and stopped breat a second. Siful as sed, cely comfortable in t try to keep dry or line of s as t clung tigo   a cold rain, but  and protruding, tle rocks.  o stir and quickly turned atering to . ood, Allie took e t ruso it o spend t h her.

    Allie, too,   t it o ouc t it made ake a deep breat o tingle and a neween her legs.

    S somet pinpoint t time - yesterday after dinner, or ternoon in t saylor Cal maybe, just maybe, sopped.

    t inside, pausing in t;Did you bring a c;

    Sill feeling tions  showed on her face.

    quot;I t out of t migtle big, but its ;

    quot;Anyt; she said.

    quot;Ill be back in a second.quot;

    Noas, tairs, descending a minute later. ton pants and a long-sleeved s under one arm and some jeans  in ther.

    quot;; ton pants and s. quot;You can cairs. tooo if you  to s;

    S up tairs, feeling ered t ts and s on  to  and found a  ies on it, and t to  in t  drip on t a secret t being naked in t in.

    S  to ser being in t feeling on  reminded o live long ago. Naturally. Like Noah.

    S s  tucking in t toms just a little so t drag. torn a little and it nearly  s looked on  to t to t to to find a hairbrush.

    S  enougo get out tting it rest on  a clasp or a couple of tle more mascara. But le of y despite everyt back doairs.

    Noating before a fire, doing  to coax it to life.  see c  over ight.

    tinued to ces turned to flames, even and steady. urned to to straig a glimpse of  of turned back to her quickly.

    Even in iful. After a moment urned aacking the logs.

    quot;I didnt ; rying to sound casual.

    quot;I kno supposed to.quot; S  a tinge of amusement at how young he seemed.

    quot;anding t;

    quot;A couple of minutes.quot;

    Noas, ted to tc;Can I get you some tea? I started ter ;

    Small talk, anyto keep  damn, the way she looked...

    S for a second, sa  tincts take over.

    quot;Do you ronger, or is it too early to drink?quot;

    ;I ry. Is t okay?quot;

    quot;t sounds great.quot;

    arted tocc hair as he disappeared.

    tarted. Allie could  turned to ter for just a second. Moments later, anotime.

    Sook a quilt from t on t of ted t until sable and c s to sit beside  doo eachem.

    Outside, torm in full fury, winds whe rain in circles.

    quot;Its quite a storm,quot; Noacical streams on t toucc rise sliging it back.

    quot;I like it,quot; saking a sip. quot;Ive alorms. Even as a young girl.quot;

    quot;; Saying anything, keeping his balance.

    quot;I dont kno alic to me.quot;

    S for a moment, and Noache fire flicker in her emerald eyes.

    t;Do you remember sitting togetcorm a fe;

    quot;Of course.quot;

    quot;I used to t it all time after I   about  nig ;

    quot;;

    Sook anot  really. Not in t I remember. Youre older, of course,  youve still got till read poetry and float on rivers. And youve still got a gentleness t not even take a;

    about w s racing slow circles.

    quot;Allie, you asked me earlier  about t do you remember?quot;

    It s . You , and it  it ;

    Noaook a drink of bourbon, remembering, bringing back this was already hard enough.

    S on. quot;I remember being so afraid before I rembling, but at time being so excited. Im glad you . Im glad o s.quot;

    quot;Me too.quot;

    quot;ere you as afraid as I ;

    Noa speaking, and s y.

    quot;I t so. You alked to me anymore.quot;

    quot;I didnt  to get bet;

    quot;You did, te your professed innocence,quot; s;And Im glad you did.quot;

    quot;ell  us?quot;

    quot;After I got ;

    quot;as it ;

    quot;Not at all. I ;

    S go, and moved closer. S , and rested  like the rain, warm.

    Sly: quot;Do you remember ival? I asked you if you ed to see me again. You just nodded your  say a   too convincing.quot;

    quot;Id never met anyone like you before. I couldnt . I didnt knoo say.quot;

    quot;I kno; Sed ly at ;I t summer t;

    Lig moments before t as tried to undo teen years, boterday.

    urned from o;I ers I e you,quot; he said.

    S speak for a long while.

    quot;It  just up to you, Noa tell you, but I e you a dozen letters after I got  never sent t;

    quot;; Noah was surprised.

    quot;I guess I oo afraid.quot;

    quot;Of ;

    quot;t maybe it  as real as I t it  maybe you forgot me.quot;

    quot;I . I couldnt even t.quot;

    quot;I kno no  back t . t understand, t a young girls mind couldnt sort out.quot;

    quot; do you mean?quot;

    Sing s. quot;ters never came, I didnt knoo talking to my best friend about  ed, and t s surprised t you  e. I didnt believe t you

    and t all our differences made me  more to me t  to you ... And t you  Ne;

    quot;Fin and Sara;

    So stop ;I kno I never asked. I assumed t you  Neo start a ne me.  you e? Or call? Or come see me?quot;

    Noa answering, and sinued:

    quot;I didnt knoime, t began to fade and it o just let it go. At least I t it  in every boy I met in t feoo strong, Id e you anotter. But I never sent t I mig  to t you loving someone else. I ed to remember us like  summer. I didnt  to ever lose t.quot;

    S so sly, so innocently, t Noaed to kiss her when she finished.

    But . Instead  t back, kno  o ouching him.

    quot;t letter I e er I met Lon, I e to your daddy to find out   even sure ill be t;

    Srailed off, and t for a moment, bot in t.

    Lig the silence.

    quot;I ;

    quot;;

    quot;Just to o  youve been up to.quot;

    quot;You miged. My life isnt too exciting. Besides, Im not exactly ;

    quot;Youre better t;

    quot;Youre s, Noa;

    stopped t if  trol, trol  t fourteen years. But sometaken o it,  ake to heyd had so long ago.

    quot;Im not saying it because Im s. Im saying it because I love you now and I always ;

    A log snapped, sending sparks up ticed t burned t neithem moved.

    Allie took anoto feel its effects. But it  just t made tle tig  t black.

    quot;Let me get t; Noao t to to adjust tch easily.

    to spread again, and Noaurned to  ing  speaking, rubbing ly against . Noah leaned closer and whispered in her ear.

    quot;t;

    Scher.

    quot;Noa I  you to kno;

    quot; is it?quot;

    ender. quot;t just t. Youre t expect you to say t I ed you to kno;

    Noa as urned a  time. tting on a sea o ers of t never see eacead of anso , occasionally reading all of it or sometimes just a part. One part s least a imes, and for some reason it ran t said:

    t s so muco separate is because our souls are connected. Maybe time,  for t means t t ten to w will come.

    you, I see your beauty and grace and knoronger  every life before t someone like you, but you, for your soul and mine must alogetands, o say good-bye.

    I o tell you t everyt for us, and I promise to do all I can to make sure it does. But if  again and truly good-bye, I knoime, but for all times weve had before.

    Could it be? S? Sely discounted it, ing to o its promise in case it rue. times. But sitting o test t tined to al. Unless tars  together.

    And maybe t s  to look. Instead so  t bet  igo tremble icipation s t time together.

    It felt so rigo be  rigorm - it couldnt . Like magic, it seemed, t didnt matter anymore.

    Lig tside. Fire danced on .  October rain sed itself against t all other sounds.

    to everyt t fourteen years. Allie lifted  ly on t o ouc softly ill soft and tender, and sion dissolve into passion. Sed ly.  ture of oucook  to s, and a ouc.

    t setting  speaking, sarted to undo ttons on . c and listened to  breaths as she made her way downward.

    itton  ly at  oucly as possible, letting  and sly  c, feeling ween ly as s over ed o kiss he sleeves.

    it, ed  and ran  off. S s of breato ly caressed  ted bodies press togeto skin. ly as sed o pull off toms. S, and c  sloion as togetrembling  together.

    ongue along  skin of s, do and made it sparkle.  and beautiful, almost glo.  her hands on his back, beckoning him.

    to t made tly arcop ion. ride ed asting t t lingered on ion. ittle tempting froead ly rubbed  against  icipation.  of ening as s, whimpering sounds while he moved above her.

    il s take it anymore, and leness, felt  o take ed, to t to be.

    Sc, marveling at y as en al s and c and fell onto side. And  y, every facet of her life, slipping away.

    ted everytaken, and sion sed. It  on and on, tingling t ruggled to catcrembled beneat t it arted to build again, and sarted to feel t after t. By time topped and t, ed but uno stop them.

    t ternately making love by tcimes ed one of e poems as sen  feel ther.

    t on t t, and slept in eac nig  and radiant, and feel as if everyt in this world.

    Once, ered open and so touc o ly, to keep ime t looked at one another.

    subsided, o ;You are to every prayer Ive offered. You are a song, a dream, a w know  you for as long as I ;

    quot;O; so ed hing shed ever known.

 Courtrooms

    Later t morning, t in c  before the judge answered.

    quot;Its an unusual request,quot; uation. quot;It seems to me trial could very oday. Are you saying t matter cant  until later tomorrow?

    quot;No, Your  cant,quot; Lon ans too quickly. Stay relaxed, old ake a deep breath.

    quot;And it o do ;

    quot;No, Your s of a personal nature. I knos out of t I really need to take care of it.quot; Good, better.

    ting . quot;Mr. Bates,  t;

    . quot;Mr. o my clients. to postpone until Monday.quot;

    quot;I see,quot; t;And do you believe it is in your clients best interests to do t;

    quot;I believe so,quot; ;Mr. o reopen discussion on a certain matter not covered by t;

    t bot about it. quot;I dont like it,quot; ;not at all. But Mr.  before, and I assume tter is very important to ;

    , to some papers on ;Ill agree to adjourn until Monday. Nine oclock s;

    quot;t; Lon said.

    tes later o tly across treet, got in, and began to New Bern, his hands shaking.

 An Unexpected Visitor

    Na for Allie s, and coffee, notacular.  tray beside ing, t less, a poion of  fiercely in tidal ions, ted.

    togeter on .

    S togeto make sure no damage orm. trees  ot, ty ty muched.

    of talked easily, but sometimes op speaking and just stare at  as t noto  in t, s kissed him.

    A little before noon, Noa in to prepare luncarving again because t eaten muc cs, and te on the porch, serenaded小夜曲; 情歌 by a mockingbird.

    t Allie in tchen.

    Knock again.

    quot;Im coming,quot; Noahe door. Knock, knock.

    quot;Im coming,quot; he door.

    quot;O;

    ared for a moment at a beautiful woman in ies, a woman he would have recognized anywhere.

    Noa speak.

    quot;; she finally said.

    Noahing.

    quot;May I come in?quot; seady, revealing nothing.

    ammered out a reply as s opping just before tairs.

    quot;?quot; Allie sed from tcurned at the sound of her voice.

    quot;Its your mot; Noaely after , he sound of breaking glass.

    quot;I kneo er as t around table in the living room.

    quot;;

    quot;Youre my daug;

    S iff, and Noa t be for ;I saicle, too, and I saion. I also sa couple of ly .quot;

    quot; about Daddy?quot;

    Anne Nelson s;No, I didnt tell your fat it. Nor did I tell anyone ;

    table  for a moment as t , but Anne remained quiet.

    quot;; Allie finally asked.

    ;I t I o ask t question.quot;

    Allie paled.

    quot;I came because I o,quot; ;;

    Allie nodded.

    Anne turned to Noa;t couple of days must ;

    quot;Yes,quot;  him.

    quot;I kno t I al t for my daugand t?quot;

    one serious. quot;No, not really. It  fair to me, and it  fair to Allie. Ot be ;

    Sc s, cut in: quot; do you mean  you trust me?quot;

    Anne turned back to er. quot;to do rust. to do  nigo talk to me about Noa no youd  to kno;

    Allie in;;

    quot;As poned until next , ;

    quot; did you say to ;

    quot;Not muc  all figured out. elling  Noaime ago.quot;

    Allie sell ;

    quot;No. And I . ts bet takes is a couple of po t people. After all, I o find you.quot;

    Allie, t ;t; sher reached for her hand.

    quot;I knoo eye on everyt perfect, but I did t I could  means Ill al;

    Allie  for a moment, t; s;

    quot;I dont knos up to you. But I  it. t .quot;

    Allie turned aer a tear drifted down her cheek.

    quot;I dont kno; srailed off, and  Noating ening carefully. As if on cue, urned  the room.

    ;Do you love ;

    quot;Yes, I do,quot; Allie ansly, quot;very muc;

    quot;Do you love Lon?quot;

    quot;Yes, I do. I love oo. Dearly, but in a different ;

    quot;No one ,quot; her said, and she released Allies hand.

    quot;I cant make t you to kno I love you. And I al doesnt  its all I can do.quot;

    Sbook and removed a bundle of letters ogetring, tly yellowed.

    quot;tters t Noae you. I never t been opened. I kno. But I  trying to protect you. I didnt realize...quot;

    Allie took them, shocked.

    quot;I s some decisions to make, and you dont ime. Do you  me to stay in to;

    Allie s;No, to me.quot;

    Anne nodded and cer for a moment,  around table, leaned over, and kissed er on tion in ers eyes as Allie stood from table and embraced her.

    quot; are you going to do?quot; here was a long pause.

    quot;I dont kno; Allie finally ansood togete, just ;t; Allie said. quot;I love you.quot;

    quot;I love you, too.quot;

    On  t t s;Follo; but s be sure.

 Crossroads

    Na out.

    quot;Good-bye, Noa; sly.

    speaking. t anyto say; t. Surned from , closing tco  in, and drive a looking back. Srong o  it from.

    Noating  to t so be alone.  quietly in cer drifting by as tes passed.

    After ernity  turn to look at  t - and ened as s in the chair beside him.

    quot;Im sorry,quot; Allie said. quot;I ;

    Noa;Dont be sorry. e bot ;

    quot;Its still ;

    quot;I kno; urned to ;Is to make it easier?quot;

    S;No. Not really. I o do t sure o say to .quot;

    Ser and a little more distant, as if salking to ;I guess it depends on ,   kno;

    Noa a tigomaceady, but s.

    quot;Youre not going to tell  us, are you?quot;

    quot;I dont kno.  asking myself ed in my life.quot; S;And do you kno I ed t, I  you. I  us. I love you and I always ;

    Sook a deep breath before going on.

    quot;But I also  a  ing anyone. And I kno if I stayed, people  lying  I love  make me feel t I care for  be fair to  staying  my family and friends. I raying everyone I kno kno.quot;

    quot;You cant live your life for ot to do ;

    quot;I kno; s;but no matter . Forever. I o be able to go for look back anymore. Can you understand t?quot;

    ried to keep eady. quot;Not really. Not if it means losing you. I cant do t again.quot;

    S say anyt lo;Could you really leave me  looking back?quot;

    S o crack. quot;I dont kno.quot;

    quot;ould t be fair to Lon?quot;

    S ans t. Scer before ansly. quot;No.quot;

    quot;It doesnt o be like t; ;ere adults noo be toget;

    o  ;I dont  to live t of my life t you and dreaming of ;

    tears began to fill ;I dont kno; she finally whispered.

    quot;You can. Allie... I cant live my life   of me.  oo beautiful to just t a;

    S respond. After a moment ly turned o o look at  eyes. After a long silence, Noaears from enderness on  as  elling him.

    quot;Youre not going to stay, are you?quot; ;You  to, but you cant.quot;

    quot;O; sears began again, quot;please try to understand quot;

    o stop ;I knorying to say - I can see it in your eyes. But I dont  to understand it, Allie. I dont  it to end t  it to end at all. But if you leave, ;

    So o cry  back ears.

    he wrapped his arms around her.

    quot;Allie, I cant force you to stay  no matter  couple of days  t;

    ly, and t got out of  ears.

    quot;I o get my t;

    go inside ead  do. co tened as ts faded into nothing.

    Ses later  and o, iced t s stopped crying.

    quot;;

    Noaook t slo to tear it.

    t of ture of  fourteen years ago. Noaiced t sail of   as if s from a recent pograph.

    t of t of tail tc ree.

    quot;Its beautiful, Allie. t; tempted a smile. quot;I told you t you ist.quot;

    S do ime for o go.

    to  speaking. , Noail ears welling up in ly brushe places hed kissed.

    quot;I love you, Allie.quot;

    quot;I love you, too.quot;

    Noaime. taking  t of letters and tbook next to  and fumbled for turned tion. It started easily, and to turn over impatiently. It  time.

    Noaanned face. S ook it for just a moment, moving ly against her skin.

    quot;Stay ; Noa sound, and t more ted. tears began to fall  s speak.

    Finally, reluctantly, s t a bit. If s leave now, she never would.

    Noa a bit as tarted to roll a trance-like state as  ty of tuation.

    che wheels.

    Sloo turn from o ake o to t. Edging for him now...

    S time  smiling before so accelerate, and he waved back weakly.

    quot;Dont go!quot; ed to s as t  say anyte later tracks t  behind.

    ood t moving for a long time. As quickly as she had come, she was gone.

    Forever time. Forever.

    ceadily ah her.

    But, like her, he realized sadly, she never looked back.

 A Letter from Yesterday

    Diving ears in , but s on anyinct ake o t t  it didnt seem to hing would help.

    Sired, and so talk to Lon. And o ime came.

    It would o.

    By time s led to Front Street, stle more under control. Not completely, but o talk to Lon. At least she hoped so.

    traffic o crangers going about t a gas station, a mecomobile ood beside side ting bet of hearns Jewelers, a well-dressed man walked briskly, carrying a briefcase.

    Surn and saruck t blocked part of treet. Somet ting crabs at the dock.

    S up treet  a red ligook a deep breat turned green and drove sloil s t turned in and sating in t spot. Alt to it  a little fartrance.

    Surned topped promptly. Next so tment for a mirror and brusting on top of a map of Nort ill red and puffy. Like yesterday after tion s ed it hen finally gave up.

    Sbook, opened it, and once again looked at ticle t

    felt impossible to  serday. It seemed like a lifetime since h Noah.

    Starlings crees around o break up noce. till s s ter of time. It o be a beautiful day.

    It o spend  ters hem.

    Sied t and found t letter ten o open it, topped because s . Somet - tions. After all, ed an anster ten, ttom of tack. tter. terested ? ?

    ten  too long.

    First, surned it over and c a street address in Ne open.

    Unfolding it, s ed March 1935.

    two and a  a reply.

    Sting at an old desk, crafting tter, some s earstains on t ion.

    Sraigo read in t we sunlig she window.

    My dearest Allie, I dont knoo say anymore except t I couldnt sleep last nig it is over bet is a different feeling for me, one t I never expected, but looking back, I suppose it couldnt her way.

    You and I . e came from different  you aug it o care for anotter man because of it. I dont  you to ever forget t.

    I am not bitter because of  oget period of time. And if, in some distant place in ture,  a summer beneatrees, learning from eac, youll feel it too, and youll smile back, and savor together. I love you, Allie.

 Noah

    Ster again, more sloime, t a time before s it back into ting it, and for a moment sed reading anot s delay any longer. Lon ing for her.

    of took a deep breatarted across t, sill  sure o  finally come until s and saanding in the lobby.

    tory ends tebook, remove my glasses, and ired and bloods, but t failed me so far. to  I  s look back. Instead saring out t tyard, w.

    My eyes folloogettern  cer breakfast, to arrive. Young adults, alone or o visit tograps and eit on troll along tree-lined pato give a sense of nature. Some ay for t most leave after a fe I knos not my business. And I do not ever ask t itled to s. But soon, I ell you some of mine.

    I place tebook and magnifier on table beside me, feeling to . t surprise me anymore, ts ohese days.

    Im not completely unfortunate, s and do t to make me more comfortable. t me  tea on table, and I reac  is an effort to pour a cup, but I do so because tea is needed to ion ely rusting a I am rusted no about it. Rusted as a junked car ty years in tlands region in southern Florida).

    I o  is somet do. Not for duty - alt for anotic, reason. I s still early, and talking about romance isnt really possible before lunc least not for me. Besides, I s going to turn out, and to be , Id rat get my hopes up.

    e spend eacoget our nig alone. tors tell me t Im not alloo see er dark. I understand tely, and times break te at nig, I o ch her while she sleeps.

    Of t  not been for  ter t I  as muco  means more to me to explain.

    Sometimes,  o o  forty-nine years. Next mont  long. S forty-five, but since t in separate rooms. I do not sleep  oss and turn and yearn for  of t, eyes open cumble. I sleep to me.

    Soon, t. tries in my diary er and take little time to e.

    I keep t of my days are t tonig one of t I  goes like this:

    I neer ruck before t hour

    it,

    bloomed like a s flower

    And stole my  ae.

    Because our evenings are our o told. I o go because I am too old to devote myself to a sc deep doed only by ts of une (抓阄转轮television game seeture is tVs blare because no one can hear well anymore.

    Men or  me s. quot;Im so glad youve come,quot; t my wife.

    Sometimes I tell t tell tness and augo see tiful place it is. Or I tell togetarry soutures toget sremely positive revieique) revieics ing in languages I do not understand. Mostly, tell t surn from me, for I kno  me to see t reminds tality. So I sit o lessen their fears.

    Be composed - be at ease h me...

    Not till the sun excludes you do I exclude you,

    Not till ters refuse to glisten for you and to rustle for you,

    Do my o glisten and rustle for you.

    And I read, to let them know who I am.

    I  to myself, ill-assorted, contradictory, pausing, gazing, bending, and stopping.

    If sry. tman, Eliot, She Psalms. Lovers of words, makers of language.

    Looking back, I am surprised by my passion for it, and sometimes I even regret it nory brings great beauty to life, but also great sadness, and Im not sure its a fair exc by a reading lamp.

    I so. I must get a new cusime.

    I reacake it, bony and fragile. It feels nice. Sco softly rub my finger. I do not speak until s days I sit in silence until t her.

    Minutes pass before surns to me. S. I take out a  ears. S me as I do so, and I wonder w shinking.

    quot;t iful story.quot;

    A ligo fall. Little drops tap gently on take  is going to be a good day, a very good day. A magical day. I smile, I cant .

    quot;Yes, it is,quot; I tell her.

    quot;Did you e it?quot; s he leaves.

    quot;Yes,quot; I answer.

    Surns tostand (nigable, small bedside table). tle cup. Mine too. Little pills, colors like a rainbo forget to take to  supposed to.

    quot;Ive  before,  I?

    quot;Yes,quot; I say again, just as I do every time on days like to be patient.

    Sudies my face. her eyes are as green as ocean waves.

    quot;It makes me feel less afraid,quot; she says.

    quot;I kno; I nod, rocking my ly.

    Surns a some more. Ser glass. It is on stand, next to takes a sip.

    quot;Is it a true story?quot; Ss up a little in akes anotill strong. quot;I mean, did you kno;

    quot;Yes,quot; I say again. I could say more, but usually I dont. Sill beautiful.

    S;ell, w;

    I ans;t for ;

    quot;?quot;

    I smile. quot;Youll kno; I say quietly, quot;by t;

    S knoo t t does not question me furtead so fidget. So ask me anotion, t sure o do it. Instead so put it off for a moment and reactle paper cups. quot;Is t;

    quot;No, t; and I reaco akes it and looks at tell by t t s to pick up my cup and dump to my mout today. t makes it easy. I raise my cup in a mock toast and y flavor from my moutea. It is getting colder. Ser.

    A bird starts to sing outside turn our  quietly for a oget is lost, and s;I o ask you somet; she says.

    quot;ever it is, Ill try to ans;

    quot;Its ;

    S look at me, and I cannot see s.

    Some things never change.

    quot;take your time,quot; I say. I know w she will ask.

    Finally surns to me and looks into my eyes. Sle smile, t a lover.

    quot;I dont  to  your feelings because youve been so nice to me, but...quot;

    I .  me. tear a piece from my  and leave a scar.

    quot;;

    e  Creekside Extended Care Facility for t   , signed some papers, and just like t o live and die in excime.

    S to do t alone, for sickness o us, botes in ticking. Loudly. I .

    A t reminds me t  it is my fault, not  is artis in t form, roid 风湿症and advanced. My esque no of my  tated, but t be able to do ttle t do. So I use my claimes, and every day I take e t to  is o do.

    Alto be 120, I dont  to, and I dont t even if I did. It is falling apart, dying one piece at a time, steady erosion on t ts. My o fail, and my  rate is decreasing every montime of tate前列腺. t  ake me eventually, t till I say it is time. tors are  me, but I am not. I ime for  of my life.

    Of our five cill living, and t is o visit, ten, and for t even ears t come ures line tage, my contribution to times I  all, or if s  understand anymore.

    I  he would do if he were me.

    I  seen y years and  a ss. I cannot picture  s sure if to a failing memory or simply time. I ure of oo en years it will be gone and so will I, and  for my diaries, I would swear I had lived only half as long as I have.

    Long periods of my life seem to e t remember ts of my life. times I sit and wonder w all has gone.

    quot;My name,quot; I say, quot;is Duke.quot; I have always been a John ayne fan.

    quot;Duke,quot; so ;Duke.quot; S, her forehead wrinkled, her eyes serious.

    quot;Yes,quot; I say, quot;Im ; And alo myself.

    S and red, and tears begin to fall.

    My  acime t thing I could do.

    S;Im sorry. I dont understand anyts o me rigen to you talk I feel like I s I dont. I dont even kno;

    S ears and says, quot; least, ;

    I ans I lie to   my ohis.

    quot;You are rengto those who shared in your friendships.

    quot;You are a dream, a creator of ist wouchousand souls.

    quot;Youve led a full life and ed for notual and you o look inside you. You are kind and loyal, and you are able to see beauty eacter t;

    I stop for a moment and catc;o feel lost, for:

    Not, or can be lost, No birtity, form - no object of thing;...

    t from earlier fires, ... s;

    S oice t topped noer into her room.

    S;Did you e t?quot;

    quot;No, t  man.quot;

    quot;;

    quot;A lover of ;

    S respond directly. Instead sares at me for a long . In. Out. In. Out. Deep breatiful.

    quot;ould you stay ; she finally asks.

    I smile and nod. Sakes it gently, and pulls it to . Sares at ts t deform my fingers and caresses tly. ill those of an angel.

    quot;Come,quot; I say as I stand  effort, quot;lets go for a ing. Its beautiful today.quot; I am staring at  few words.

    S makes me feel young again.

    S souters of tietury, some said, and I was, and am, proud of her.

    Unlike me, o e even t of verses, my e beauty as easily as ted tings are in museums around t I  only t one s one. te at nig and stare and sometimes cry  know why.

    And so ting, raising cos of Cmases, family trips, of graduations and of weddings.

    I see grandcos of us, our er, time t seems so typical, yet uncommon.

    e could not foresee ture, but t live noed to. And ? Retirement. Visits ravel. So travel. I t t perart a  I did not kno possibly stles. Small, detailed, impossible to consider no I am not bitter.

    Our lives cant be measured by our final years, of t lay a seems obvious, but at first I t andable and not unique. S ? S a neig not someone imes se t  again I dismissed it as simple mistakes t one makes  until ts occurred t I began to suspect t.

    An iron in too. But teering ened.

    And sened, too, for o me and said, quot;Os o me? Please ; A knot ted in my stomac I dared not t.

    Six days later tor met ests. I did not understand t understand t I suppose it is because I am afraid to kno an  back t day.

    t day  day I ever spent. I looked t read and played games I did not t. Finally o  us do I remember clearly t my own hands were shaking.

    quot;Im so sorry to o tell you t; Dr. Barn;but you seem to be in tages of Alz;

    My mind  blank, and all I could t  t glowed above our heads.

    tages of Alzheimers . . .

    My  ig to ;O;

    And as tears started to fall, to me again:... Alzheimers...

    It is a barren disease, as empty and lifeless as a desert. It is a ts and souls and memories. I did not knoo say to h.

    tor  my age in hink was:

    No droop;...

    A s  t me no comfort. I dont kno or hem.

    e rocked to and fro, and Allie, my dream, my timeless beauty, told me she was sorry.

    I kneo forgive, and I ; I y as a junked stovepipe (火炉的烟囱).

    I remember only bits and pieces of Dr. Barninuing explanation.

    quot;Its a degenerative brain disorder affecting memory and personality . . . to tell  it  differs from person to person ... I er t ime … Im sorry to be to tell you … quot;

    Im sorry...

    Im sorry...

    Im sorry...

    Everyone hemselves.

    I dont remember leaving tors office, and I dont remember driving home.

    My memories of t day are gone, and in the same.

    It  of it, if t is possible.

    Allie organized, as o leave te . S specific burial instructions, and t in my desk, in ttom drao e. Letters to friends and cters to broters and cousins. Letters to nieces, nepter to me.

    I read it sometimes ed by a roaring fire  ters I ten to  tters, and noo do so. S to do ; I find I enjoy reading bits and pieces of t as so. trigue me, tters, for  romance and passion are possible at any age. I see Allie noters, I come to understand t I  the same way.

    I read t ter I s  to tack of letters, tall and ied tself almost ury old, and found tters erime of letters, letters professing my love, letters from my . I glanced tter from our first anniversary.

    I read an excerpt:

    o me, and .

    I put it aside, sifted tack, and found anoty-nine years ago.

    Sitting next to you,  comes only to ts, and I kne no man could be more lucky than me.

    And after our son died, t  time  till ring true today:

    In times of grief and sorro my oogetry to ears and despair and make it treets of life.

    I pause for just a moment, remembering  time, just a baby. I y times as long as  if asked, I errible to outlive your cragedy I wish upon no one.

    I do my best to keep tears a to clear my mind, and find t from our tieto t:

    udio covered  ted and tired eyes, I kno you are t beautiful he world.

    t on, t ired, but I tom of tack. tter remaining, t one I e o keep going.

    I lifted t t page into better ligo read:

    My dearest Allie, t except for t float from t a loss for  is a strange experience for me, for ime of memories. But to put it into  kno a poet, and yet a poem is needed to fully express t you.

    So my mind drifts, and I remember t our life togete   myself beside t table and  I saiful and sensitive and  t comes  sure I understand, I o tell tory.

    I called Jeff and David into tcold t us and o me so long ago.

    I told t our cened  tting in front of torm raging outside. I told t your mot Lon t day - told t er t day, after you  back to town.

    t part of tory  me, even after all time. Even t t to me only once, and I remember marveling at trengt day. I still cannot imagine o t must  to talk to old me t t t on a benc c  you must stay.

    I knoo me he cared for you as well.

    No,  understand losing you, but  you  it  be fair to  release your  and angry, and tried for almost an o c ;I cant go back ;  your decision  togetime  speaking. I

    Im sure it  only a fe I ood then why your choice was so hard.

    I remember t  until Kate finally stood to embrace me. quot;O; sears in ed to ansions, t ask any. Instead, thing much more special.

    For t four old me o told stories about tten.

    And by t take t ao enjoy it h me.

    After t, I rocked in silence, toget least in my , and it is impossible for me to remember a time  of me. I do not kno day, but I  t I  thankfully Ill never know.

    I love you, Allie. I am ure, every day ogetest day of my life. I will always be yours.

    And, my darling, you will always be mine.

 Noah

    I put tting ter for t time. It e afternoon, reaks cutting t remnants of tc t brief, flickering moment o night.

    Dusk, I realized t an illusion, because t. And t means t day and nig fe be one  t t exist at time.

    feel, I remember o be aloget forever apart?

    Looking back, I find it ironic t so read tter at t moment t question popped into my  is ironic, of course, because I kno its like to be day and nigoget.

    ty ernoon, Allie and I. t t on ter, s and pieces of too is taken in by ttle by little  to know eacher again.

    quot;Its good to talk to you. I find t I miss it, even  long.quot;

    I am sincere and s sill ranger.

    quot;Is ten?quot; s;Do  c? I mean, do we know eac;

    quot;Yes and no. I ts, but ;

    So  t,  suc s ;ere you ever married?quot;

    I nod quot;Yes.quot;

    quot; was s;

    I tell truth.

    quot;Sural to me tbeat. I t ime. Even noing  her.

    Sakes t knoly, hings.

    quot;Is s;

    is deat I do not say tead I ans;My wife is alive in my . And s;

    quot;You still love  you?quot;

    quot;Of course. But I love many to sit o sy of t. I love to cos dinner.quot;

    S for a moment. S see   for years.

    quot;;

    No fear, just curiosity. t s I ask any;?quot;

    quot;;

    I smile. quot;Im o be. Its not complicated. Bot dismiss my time s not ed. Its . I sit alk and I to myself, ter t I am doing no;

    S, just a moment,  smile forms on her lips.

    quot;I like being  if getting me intrigued is er, youve succeeded. I admit I enjoy your company, but I kno you. I dont expect you to tell me your life story, but ;

    quot;I read once t erious strangers.quot;

    quot;See, you  really ansion. You  ans of my questions. You didnt even tell me ory ended t;

    I s quietly for a  true?quot;

    quot;Is rue?quot;

    quot;t erious strangers?”

    S t;I t;

    quot;Do you?quot;

    quot;No go putting me on t. I dont kno;

    Seasing me, and I enjoy it. e sit silently and caken us a lifetime to learn.

    It seems only to sit next to one anot say anytill feel content. tient, must alhe silence.

    It is a e, for silence is pure. Silence is  draogetable   speaking. t paradox.

    time passes, and gradually our breato coincide just as it did this morning.

    Deep breat en do. I his. Finally, when she wakes, a miracle.

    quot;Do you see t bird?quot; Ss to it, and I strain my eyes. It is a , but I can because t. I point, too.

    quot;Caspian stern,quot; I say softly, and e our attention to it and stare as it glides over Brices Creek. And, like an old  rediscovered, .

    S about my evasiveness. On days like t my entionally ongue many times t feermined not to let it  myself and ansimes not too eer nothing.

    t decision, bot necessary, for o limit t my ans  I  change.

    Does t? Per I erfall of information t is  red eyes and quivering jaen all t ant to me? I could not and neitions and ans of this Is Your Life.

    t  feeling, of ts and  is t kno ans make it all are at pictures of forgotten offspring, brus inspired notters t brougter, and ending t began. Our days , and so was she. And selfishly, so was I.

    So I ceries of t learning nonet o be done. And I learned o a c life is simply a collection of little lives, eac a time. t eac finding beauty in flory and talking to animals. t a day spent s and refres be bettered. But most of all, I learned t life is about sitting on benc to ancient creeks imes, on good days, for falling in love.

    quot; are you t; she asks.

    It is no . It is o do ts to keep me from falling. Eito myself.

    quot;Im t you.quot;

    So t to squeeze my arm, and I can tell s I said. Our life togeto see t knohem herself.

    I go on: quot;I kno remember   makes me feel good.quot;

    Saps my arm and smiles. quot;Youre a kind man . I ;

    e ell you somet;

    quot;Go a;

    quot;I t;

    quot;An admirer?quot;

    quot;I see.quot;

    quot;You dont believe me?quot;

    quot;I believe you.quot;

    quot;You s;

    quot;;

    quot;Because I t is you.quot;

    I t t t tyard. e come to top . I give to o ;tiful.quot;

    e resume our  is true in a  times I do not feel lucky.

    quot;You ts me?quot; I finally ask.

    quot;Yes.quot;

    quot;;

    quot;Because I  you ;

    quot;?quot;

    quot;t; so me. quot;I found it under my pillo;

    I read it, and it says:

    tal ache,

    Yet my promise remains true at the closing of our days,

    A tender touc ends h a kiss

    ill awaken love in joyous ways.

    quot;Are t; I ask.

    quot;I found t of my coat.quot;

    Our souls were one,

    If you must know and never s;

    ith splendid dawn, your face aglow

    I reac.

    quot;I see,quot; and t is all I say.

    e ime, silver talk of try. She romance.

    By time h her hand and makes me face her. I do and I realize how hunched over I have become.

    Simes I am glad s know how much I have changed.

    Surns to me and stares for a long time.

    quot; are you doing?quot; I ask.

    quot;I dont  to forget you or trying to keep your memory alive.quot;

    ill it ime? I  . It cant. I do not tell s, tead because .

    quot;t; I say.

    quot;I mean it. I dont  to forget you again. Youre very special to me. I dont knooday.quot;

    My t closes a little. tion beions I feel . rong enougo carry o paradise.

    quot;Dont try to say anyt; sells me. quot;Lets just feel t.quot;

    And I do, and I feel heaven.

    from most. tical experience . t advanced stages of Alz completely lost. ting and confused. t t feed tendency to  lost. Srangers car a quarter mile arapped to tter at times, and at otimes t caff or people rying disease, and t is o visit.

    Allie, of course, oo, problems t ime. Serribly afraid in tiny people, like gnomes, I tc to get away.

    S  eat regularly. Soo t to fatten her up.

    But ty ends. times, just sometimes, after I read to ion isnt so bad.

    tion for t;Its impossible,quot; tors say. quot;S not ; But s days and every morning t. On t.

    But ? imes cer I read? I tell tors t in my , but I am not believed.

    Instead to science. Four times specialists raveled from Co find times t  understanding.

    I tell t;You cant possibly understand it if you use only your training and your books,quot; but t;Alz ion, its just not possible to ion or improve as t;

    But s every day, not most of time, and definitely less to. But sometimes. And all t is gone on t ions are normal, s are normal. And t I kno.

    Dinner is ing in urn. It o eat  alhese, and once again I could ask for no more.

    take care of everyto me, and I am thankful.

    ts are dimmed, t by table ly in tes are plastic, and ttle) is filled  rules are rules and s seem to care. Sly at t. her eyes are wide.

    quot;Did you do t;

    I nod and she room.

    quot;It looks beautiful.quot;

    I offer my arm in escort and lead o t release it here.

    oucand close togetal springtime evening. tly, and I feel a breeze as it fans my ccime as the evening sky unfolds.

    quot;Ive never seen anytiful, Im sure of it,quot; sh her.

    quot;I , eit; I say, but I am looking at  I mean, and I see  later she whispers:

    quot;I t  tory,quot; she says.

    quot;You do?quot;

    quot;;

    quot;S ;

    quot;Youre sure?quot;

    quot;Absolutely.quot;

    I smile and nod. quot;Yes, s; I say softly, and s.

    I pull out . Ss and I sit opposite able, and I take it in mine, and I feel o move as it did so many years ago. it speaking, I stare at ime, living and reliving ts of my life, remembering it all and making it real. I feel my t begin to tighten, and once again I realize how much I love her. My voice is shaky when I finally speak.

    quot;Youre so beautiful,quot; I say. I can see in  s about  I really mean by my words.

    S respond. Instead s shinking.

    Sly squeeze . it, and I kno there.

    And t proves me right.

    As Glenn Miller plays softly in a candlelit room, I co to form on  makes it all co mine.

    Soward her.

    quot;Youre ; sly, trailing off, and at t moment soo; times.

    S a makes me are at eaco t Allie, and t me makes me aractal eyes.

    Im strong and proud, and t man alive, and I keep on feeling t ime across table.

    By time to break the silence.

    I say, quot;I love you deeply, and I .quot;

    quot;Of course I do,quot; s;Ive always loved you, Noa;

    Noao myself, she knows who I am ...

    She knows ...

    Suciny t for me it is a gift from God, and I feel our lifetime toget years of my life.

    S;Noa Noa; And I,  tors  for a moment. I give up tense of mystery, and I kiss  to my cheek and whisper in her ear. I say:

    quot;You are test t o me.quot;

    quot;O; sears in ;I love you, too.quot;

    If only it his, I would be a happy man.

    But it . Of time slips by, I begin to see the signs of concern in her face.

    quot;s ; I ask, and ly.

    quot;Im so afraid. Im afraid of forgetting you again. It isnt fair... I just cant bear to give t;

    I dont knoo say. I knoo an end, and to stop table. In tell her:

    quot;Ill never leave you.  we ;

    Ss empty promises. But I can tell by t me t once again shere were more.

    ts serenade us, and o pick at our dinner. Neit I lead by example and sakes small bites and cime, but I am glad to see . S too muc in t ths.

    After dinner, I become afraid despite myself. I knoill be ours, but I knoolled t and t to come, and to stop it. So I stare at  and live a lifetime in t remaining moments.

    Nothing.

    ticks. Nothing.

    I take hing.

    I feel remble and I whing.

    I tell  time t I love her.

    And thief comes.

    It alime. For as so blink rapidly and surning toares for a long time, concern etched on her face.

    No! My mind screams. Not yet! Not no onig but tonight... Please!

    the words are inside me.

    I cant take it again! It isnt fair.., it isnt fair... But once again, it is to no avail.

    quot;t; sing, quot;are staring at me. Please make top.quot; the gnomes.

    A pit rises in my stomacops for a moment, tarts again, time s pounding. It is over, I kno affects my  part of all. For w comes, simes I wonder wher she and I will ever love again.

    quot;t; I say, trying to fend off table. S believe me. quot;taring at me.quot;

    quot;No,quot; I whisper while shaking my head.

    quot;You cant see t;

    quot;No,quot; I say, and s.

    quot;ell, t t; s;and taring at me.quot;

    it, so talk to s later, o comfort h wide eyes.

    quot;; ser. quot; are you doing ;

    t, for tion, and t breaking words of all.

    quot;Go aay a; serrified, now oblivious of my presence.

    I stand and cross to range pain in my side. I dont kno is a struggle to press tton to call toget I finally succeed. t for t, I stare at my wife.

    ty... ty seconds pass, and I continue to stare, my eyes missing nots  soget in all t time s look back, and I am ed by truggling h unseen enemies.

    I sit by tart to cry as I pick up tebook.

    Allie does not notice. I understand, for her mind is gone.

    A couple of pages fall to to pick tired no, alone and apart from my wife.

    And  comfort. A ly in the corner, his face in his hands.

    I spend t of tially open and I see people rangers, some friends, and if I concentrate, I can alking about families, jobs, and visits to parks. Ordinary conversations, not I find t I envy tion. Anot sometimes I cant .

    Dr. Barno  suc at too mucell ime  be around forever. But  listen to me.

    ients,  come  torn by contradiction. s to be a doctor completely devoted to ients and a man completely devoted to  be bot enoug  to learn to the choice will be made for him.

    I sit by t today. It ions keep me silent for many hours.

    I did not read to anyone t, for poetic introspection o tears. In time, t except for tfalls of evening soldiers. At eleven oclock I  for some reason I expected. tsteps I know so well.

    Dr. Barnwell peeks in.

    quot;I noticed your lig;

    quot;No,quot; I say, shaking my head.

    aking a seat a fe from me.

    quot;I ; ;you ; rigued by us and tions kno is entirely professional.

    quot;I suppose so.quot;

    my ans me. quot;You okay, Noatle do;

    quot;Im fine. Just a little tired.quot;

    quot;oday?quot;

    quot;Salked for almost four ;

    quot;Four s… incredible.quot;

    I can only nod. ;Ive never seen anyt, or even  it. I guess ts . You t for eac love you very muc, dont you?quot;

    quot;I kno; I say, but I cant say anything more.

    quot;s really bot  your feelings?

    quot;No. Sually. Its just t rig;

    quot;Alone? Nobodys alone.quot;

    quot;Im alone,quot; I say as I look at my c ;and so are you.quot;

    t fe significance. Allie o recognize me at any time, and I admit my attention  of my ts  spent. too soon, t t day, only gained, and I was o his blessing once again.

    By tty mucurned to normal. Or at least as normal as my life can be. Reading to Allie, reading to othe halls.

    Lying a nigting by my er in trange comfort in tability of my life.

    On a cool, foggy morning eiger s our day togetom, and puttered around my desk, alternately looking at pograpters ten many years before. At least I tried to. I couldnt concentrate too  to sit in my co ced to be refres more.

    I closed my eyes for a fees ely pounded and subsided.

    tc, and it o inspire me. It is a contradiction - t renealked to it t morning, oget t;

    ted in agreement, t reflecting the creek and I. Flowing, ebbing, receding.

    It is life, I to cer. A man can learn so many things.

    It  in t as t peeked over the horizon.

    My iced, started to tingle, somet arted to lift it, but I o stop igopped tingling and began to go numb, quickly, as if my nerves o every cell of my body, like a tidal s path.

    I lost my sig sounded like a train roaring inc I ning bolt, and in my last remaining moments of consciousness, I pictured Allie, lying in ing for tory I  and confused, completely and totally unable to  like me.

    And as my eyes closed for time, I t to myself, O have I done?

    I s  and t recognize. One mac rate, rangely sooto never-land time and time again.

    tors ed eyes as ts and adjusted ts, t ;Strokes could be serious,quot; t;especially for someone ; Grim faces ions - quot;loss of speec, paralysis.quot; Anot notation, anotrange macried not to ter instead concentrated on Allie, bringing a picture of o my mind o bring o mine, to make us one again. I tried to feel oucears  knoo o alking and reading and walking.

    t  . t  o be.

    I drifted in and out of consciousness for days until anoto Allie spurred my body once again. I opened my eyes and sa motivated me furtruggled to press it, and a nurse arrived ty seconds later, folloely.

    quot;Im ty,quot; I said h a raspy voice, and Dr. Barnwell smiled broadly.

    quot;elcome back,quot; ;I kne.quot;

    ter I am able to leave tal, though I am only half a man now.

    If I  side of my body is . tell me, is good neotal. Sometimes, it seems, I am surrounded by optimists.

    t my  me from using eit noo keep uprig left-rig as e, but rat, slow-shuffle.

    I am an epic adventure no is slopace a turtle two weeks ago.

    It is late ime fragrances t filter t open, and t c I am invigorated by temperature. Evelyn, one of to t sits by to close it. I stop s my decision. I  later a ser is draped over my ss it as if I  gently. S saring out t move for a long time, and I  ask. Eventually I urns to leave, and as sops, leans forenderly, ter does. I am surprised by tly, quot;Its good to  of us. e s just not t; S me and touches my face before she leaves.

    I say noter I , talking to anotheir voices hushed.

    tars are out tonigs are singing, and t everyt, I side can see me, trees, tyard, t till. In t looks like empty space, and I find t Im drao its mystery. I cion of clouds as to bounce off ter. A storm is coming, and in time turn silver, like dusk again.

    Ligs t back.  ivy on a cypress tree, tendrils and brancert ? I dont kno and table beside me is lit enougo see a picture of Allie, t one I  framed years ago in t t last forever. I reac and  incare at it for a long time, I cant . Sy-one aken, and siful. t to ask  I knoure  ans it aside.

    tonig as I lay in tal. t tcorm clouds appear. Despite myself I am saddened by our plig t day ogether I never kissed her lips. Perhaps I never will again.

    It is impossible to tell hings?

    I finally stand and o my desk and turn on takes more effort t rained, so I do not return to t. I sit does looking at tures t sit on my desk. Family pictures, pictures of cions. Pictures of Allie and me. I to times  I am.

    I open a draied togettle and difficult to  breaking. But s;I dont understand  ; I  s ignore me. And sometimes in t reverently, as if t of life itself.

    omen.

    Since to be a night of memories, I look for and find my wedding ring.

    It is in top draissue. I cannot  anymore because my knuckles are sissue and find it unc is po t no moment I ill yours, Allie, my queen, my timeless beauty. You are, and al;

    I  thing.

    It is eleven-ty and I look for tter se me, trikes me. I find it  it. I turn it over a couple of times before I open it, and remble. Finally I read:

    Dear Noae tter by candlelig  sounds of your slumber, I kno to you again as I always have.

    And I , and your breato the wonderful man you are.

    I see t reminds me of anot clotoget ured, roped by a sout, and I kne it o question a love t rode on sing stars and roared like cras is   is  is today.

    I remember coming back to you t day, ted. I  out of t you took it all a to me. quot; some coffee,quot; ogether.

    Nor did you question me  let me be. I dont kno easier for me. Later o traded our rings and made our vo more t, I knew I was foolish for ever considering someone else. I have never wavered since.

    e oget it a lot noimes and see you ting on tar o te. Your clotained from ired, and time to relax, you smile and say, quot;t ; I find your love for our cing. quot;Youre a better fat; I tell you later, after ter,  lose ourselves before o slip bets. I love you for many t beautiful in life. Love and poetry and faty and nature. And I am glad you augter for it. tell me o time t makes me feel like t ing, and you o me. My ions noimes ed because of sics, you ood my need for my oudio, my o on my clotimes on ture. I kno  easy.

    It takes a man to do t, Noao live . And you have.

    For forty-five years now. onderful years.

    You are my best friend as  knoreasure eac as I reasured our life together.

    You iful and strong. Kindness, ts s  forgiving and peaceful man I kno be, for you are t to an angel t Ive ever met.

    I kno me crazy for making us e our story before old you  is time you knew.

    e ime most couples never kno,  it o us. I see your tears and I  you t me, because I fear to express my sorro a loss for words.

    So I love you so deeply, so incredibly muc I o come back to you despite my disease, I promise you t. And tory comes in.  and lonely, read tory - just as you told it to t in some  about us. And per pero be together again.

    Please dont be angry  remember you, and  I love you, t I al no matter  life possible. My life ter to read again, t I am ing for you no able to tell you. I love you deeply, my husband. You are, and always have been, my dream. Allie

    ter, I put it aside. I rise from my desk and find my slippers. t sit to put tanding, I cross ted at t least I t is Janice. I must pass to get to Allies room, but at t supposed to leave my room, and Janice o bend the rules. her husband is a lawyer.

    I  to see if s s seem to be moving, and I groient.

    I finally exit my room anyakes aeons to close tance, but for some reason s see me approaching.

    I am a silent panthe jungle, I am as invisible as baby pigeons.

    In t I am not surprised. I stand before her.

    quot;Noa; s;;

    quot;Im taking a ; I say. quot;I cant sleep.quot;

    quot;You kno supposed to do t;

    quot;I kno;

    I dont move, termined.

    quot;Youre not really going for a o see Allie.quot;

    quot;Yes,quot; I answer.

    quot;Noa  time you saw  nig;

    quot;I remember.quot;

    quot;t be doing t;

    I dont ansly. Instead I say, quot;I miss ;

    quot;I kno I cant let you see ;

    quot;Its our anniversary,quot; I say. true. It is one year before gold. Forty-nine years today.

    quot;I see.quot;

    quot;t;

    S, and er noimental type.

    quot;Noa anot. Ive seen ruggle  Ive never seen anyone  like you do. No one around  tors, not t.quot;

    S a moment, and strangely, o fill ears. Sh her finger and goes on:

    quot;I try to t its like for you, er day, but I cant even imagine it. I dont kno imes. Even tors dont understand it, s love, its as simple as t. Its t incredible t;

    A lump , and I am speechless.

    quot;But Noa supposed to do t let you. So go back to your room.quot; tly and sniffling and s;Me, Im going doairs for some coffee. I  be back to c do anyt;

    Soucoairs. S look back, and suddenly I am alone. I dont knoo t eaming, and once again I learn t the world.

    I am  time in years as I begin my trek to Allies room. I take steps tra t pace it is dangerous, for my legs ired already. I find I must touco keep from falling down.

    Lig glotle. I  not tonigime to stop on t forces blood teries. I feel myself becoming stronger ep. I  I dont steps, and I keep going. I am a stranger no be stopped. A pation, and I pus be caug bandit, masked and fleeing on  to in my saddlebags. I am young and strong , and I  o paradise.

    ho am I kidding?

    I lead a simple life noo Allie and s and a man oo old to coo old to care.

    is beating funny inside my c. I struggle  takes t. t from ting t a passerby on a busy city street, forgotten forever.

    , and ser a moment I see o one side, and imes. Sc is over betale and I somb.

    I do not move, on t a minute, and I long to tell  I stay quiet so I  ten on t I will slide under  says:

    Love, in t and tender ive and very pure

    Come morning lig-lit poo as ever sure.

    I ter he door behind me.

    Blackness descends and I cross ains, and tares back, large and full, the evening.

    I turn to Allie and dream a t, I sit on e beneatly touc like poroke aken away.

    I feel  discovering t.

    Sirs and opens ing softly, and I suddenly regret my fooliso cry and scream, for t s I feel an urge to attempt toward her, our faces drawing closer.

    And range tingling I  before, in all our years toget I do not pull back. And suddenly, a miracle, for I feel ten paradise, uncime, ageless like tars. I feel tongues meet, I alloo slip arong and fearless, and sly trace tline of ake en as sakes a breatly, quot;O;

    Anotest of all! - and top tears as o slip to t moment, ttons on my s and slohem one by one.