¡¶The Shoe Tester of Frankfurt(Excerpt)¡·


 Excerpt-1

    Sly after breakfast I leave my apartment, carrying t I ested; t ion reports, eac urn sideo to stay rig least c imitate t I ment. Im supposed to meet  ten. At Ebert Platz I take train to ein, ed, not far from tation. Ill meet s. ell c for about ters of an  ty minutes about test s of time about electric trains. tine for years, but I still get a little nervous every time. It goes back to my particular conceit, ely during tions t at ed t from my mot its not  tire lifetime. I used to struggle against ts of t, but not anymore. Naturally I o make a special effort ice my conceit at all.  Im an electric train  just like  to tec  early trix and Fleiscs.  realize t Im just draore of knoer time. Its also possible t ell me one of edious stories, o ory sympatook nearly ten minutes to tell me about tion. On trip from Italy to Germany   to run out of gas. But t back  incident. t ory. I sat still in front of en minutes and laug urned out t entails a nearly continuous collision of y and disgust. trengty admoniss precisely t idiotic stories of your fello you sen to! At time,  taunts me: If you dont escape rigs infuriating is t tant colliding never alloo  go on running tell myself t Im prepared for anyt aside t me. I observe t Frau Fiscs to be in ts out te and goes in sly after I do.

    ting at ands up.

    Aer tester! .

    My conceit triggers a  of a smile. I  gray carpet. t ligures. t in gently dimmed lig; Frau Fisc, in front of  I catc of a ain on t of . I stare at ares at me.

    Unfortunately someone took a s at me, says habedank.

    ho? I ask.

    A fired tester.

    Oh, I say.

    herr habedank, herr habedank, says Frau Fischedick.

    o his swivel armchair.

    Dont believe a word he says! says Frau Fischedick.

    ural death, says herr Oppau.

    Savoring t last remark, I sit doors cions on able.

    A felt-tip pen o leak in my s pocket, says habedank.

    I dont knoo say to t. ions. I reaco my bags and take out a pair of itcip brogues as  lengto be t of test batcen to my report. I let myself believe t its a pleasure alk about ss no accident t I talk about sensions of my o ed to tly escapes by  and t value on s my s t me, but all I do is t t. My commentary on trike me as poorly cut, is s. Its aloo narrooo stiff, titc t.  I  my efforts are meaningful and important. I dont knoions (a surrogate for ter I finisary,  a cion, t ell by tters to can only be a matter of seconds before o join alk about electric trains from the 1950s.

    Unfortunately to economize, ead.

    I dont knoo say to t, and  for  sentence.

    I mean is, says  in ture Ill only be able to pay you fifty marks per , in other words for every pair of shoes.

    t seems ratic, I say.

    tuation has changed.

    So suddenly?

    Yes, says ty poition. t is doing very  on.

    Aha, I say.

    to make up for t, youll be alloo keep test, says habedank.

    No. Suddenly it daed to ed to see ake tion. But to see. I only o tell me I mig tly till values my future  a quarter of t. But o do o eithem away.

    Im sorry, says ion  my decision, Im just supposed to tell you.

    I nod. trut really surprised. tuation t o my sense of living  inner aution. Ive experienced tly. I dont even o repeat ten t follo to see if o join eria. But today tation¡ªevidently because uation.  on op. t o tand up and say to ions in about three weeks.

    A minute later Im ing for train t ake me  a frencand. ttaco eps arying to peck open a plastic bag full of garbage. Using  s  eeto open tic bag, immediately sending orange peels, yogurt cartons and pizza boxes flying around train platform. ting, but it gives expression to my os on botare at tras t. A motroller appears at t of tairs leading up to train platform. ttle teeteet stand just a ferain comes roller s for me to open to t knoeet rubber. I see it as a sign of ly some forms of opposition occasionally dissolve of t could mean t Im getting closer to tion. I retract my finding and come to a ne dare alert to tential frig tens ion like t  I cant find t o elegantly combine jest and  time conceal my oy. Just last nigly before falling asleep, I knerain tickets left in my ; I no it into ticket validator. une! Presumably Ill o give up tion of er of too mucolerant man like me. Presumably I  be meeting  togetions. At Ebert Platz I get off train ention of quickly vaniso Gutleut Strasse, le younger t  Im doing tices right away.

    You dont o pretend h me, she says.

    Fine, I say.

    You still dont  to tell me o?

    I just lost a job, I say.

    Oh, says Regine.

 Excerpt-2

    Years ago Regine and I botervieernoon issues, and aftercases. Unfortunately terviereet polls. e ed to stand outside scment stores, and government offices and survey people about tax policy and tV guides. Neited to do t, and so  our separate ways.

    Are you hese days? I ask.

    Im taking a course to be a death companion, says Regine.

    Oo suppress a laugh.

    Its a serious matter, says Regine.

    Id like to ask  teac dont dare.

    Is it going ead.

    Recently ted to send me out for t time to accompany a  s me aer half an hour.

    Nohers eyes.

    S you o take her away, I say.

    I didnt see it t way.

    After all, someone ws everybody whos going on living, I say.

    You talk, says Regine, as if youd already died once.

    Of course I imes,  you?

    e laug knoands my last remark. S her hand and says goodbye.

    Give me a call, sing.

    I dont need a deat to call out after  at t moment I ongue.

    A little later it occurs to me t Regine and I actually died once toget I ervieions and long distance travel, tervie canned food and ready-made dinners. After t ely exed and lay dole of il our eyelids started to droop.  togetrange t to me, studying orso. Surned quiet and sad, but it took me a co look at s. ts all Ive been doing time, is ly you  paying enougtention, s are you getting at? I asked. Didnt you notice t my nipples arent doing o? Regine erludes t, y. No to to iced t didnt t meant anyt da Regine  so far as to say s take  t point  fell silent and together as a couple.

    Inside my apartment I open tcV. I catc blue-footed boobies in te-feat. t on ter is clean and rico move takeoff. ted boobies appeal to me; at t Id like to be one myself. I  mind being called a booby on tV, eited booby Id finally o do e bodies make me ts little  could also be t running into Regine is to blame for my sudden desire for a urn off tV. A button pops off my s and rolls a c until it flips over and stops moving. tment next door calling eac be more or less like t made Lisa sick. Id like to call Lisa and ask  I  like for Renate to pick up and for me to o talk  move, listening to assed next door. Among ted loafers made of genuine kidskin. tastic. Its a little after 3 p.m. Presumably Margot doesnt omers noing a bo . I leave tment and o Margots. So see me again so soon. I follos t fits  it rikes you as a mouter a s  in  called a stone? If Im not mistaken o call it a stone, but tarted calling it a pit more and more often. Or  tone to pit, ive tely no need to do t? t in a tissue. I o turn left, but because I  to see  (stone), I act a little like Im just loafing and looking around. O  oss t (stone) onto treet or into some garden. Sass left in iny purse, te. Im only a feeps as. I cant ement¡ªa silent tc as salon, all tubes are lit. I see t steps   supposed to o t, so  notice me. In one fell ss clear I cant go see Margot nooo. I probably  ever be able to again. I cant tell . Quietly and fruitlessly I rail against tiveness of life. One corner later it occurs to me t  tiveness I radiction leads me to a momentary insigo tuff of my insanity. If you go crazy someday, I t  youve finally been cut by tantly opening and closing s iste¡ªation! Unfortunately I get jealous, rigreet. At time I feel sorry for  t days. For a ain. Under no circumstances is o see me. And I o talk  let  Im brooding over . t t doated for a bit. But  rest and doesnt mull: ts, not s look as if o  pocket and takes out a feract te kernels. Regrettably, I ask myself if Margot is a ution. But to tell trut  to t problems at all. Ive already done t too often in my life, I feel too old for it noraction. Id like to at least  and look up at tree and observe t among t t isnt readily available, so I o content myself reets. Under no circumstances may I let t to t ell  . For time being I try to split myself into to a sober rambler ive dreamer  to  t. t succeeds, at least for a rong smell of t must be around ly after t a cockeyed dog comes up bet kno cockeyed animals even existed. trots up to me; I can no more look eful to raction eful to a sceacanding at a streetcar stop eaco  take up so muc remark immediately predisposes me against teaco ion suc ime. Line up more economically, I mumble to myself,  are tion of misery. teacreating t can be sto people refuse to consent to life from c in my consciousness starts to  by bit. No is no more ty. I admit it  see Margot again. I curse  t doesnt , did you o  me o teen years old about nurses, secretaries and  come up , I ing it, at t time I  nurses, secretaries, ry to foist to my split doppelg?nger, unfortunately  success. to groan; no one else kno of all is to go straigo Margot and tell  an indescribable simpleton I  sig pass t of my life or not. Im so dazed and feeble t I run into a parked car  knee. Im put off by ty? All t  to complain or admonise occupations of ninety-five percent of y, and my conceit s noto do  to give brief expression to my daily damnation and ts not tion; its ty I  to get rid of. Just  possible t Im longing for a  at most a imes and  Im jealous of a pograp Im mourning for a job t didnt keep me fed any on a single day? It seems to me I cant go y. I sit do t to be like t by not disappearing, t complain, dont speak, t need anytically invincible. I feel a yearning to take off my jacket and toss it in a o t  of trengt is tive peculiarity of all life, time. t putting any strain on me. I look at ty tangle of t are eit t orn off by c persevere undiscouraged, and at tter t collects around ts but still doesnt diminisy starts to get tter of me, Ill come oss my jacket into to see t lying among tely clear image and still no one . Ill stroll past my jacket o marvel at  remains as invincible as te t t it gro as my surviving doppelg?nger and so free myself from pain, at least for time being. I cant fully rule out ty t I mig t. s clear in any case is t if I ever really t into t reac point yet. I enjoy imagining a play-craziness designed to urbed. Noend craziness so a genuine one¡ªjust for a fes¡ªand amplify my distance from reality. Naturally Id o be able to return to t any time, as soon as topped. Presumably t people can only be end craziness and genuine craziness ly observed t people are naturally predisposed to mental illness. Im surprised so fe t t me rigively crazy. A ill a baby; ting in  do a t  grab t really open , cant sime t do somet no t take in t see t ting gaze is searcrangely, my observation of ts me find my o reality. Only to er at a time. I close my jacket and he crazy family walks away, giggling.

    My apartment is sitting t and clueless. I dont feel miserable celep pick up. I take off my jacket and cut a slice of bread. I very mucastes. I take off my glasses and rub my eyes. Just as Im about to put t of my o tone tile of t lens is c on my glasses and look at myself in ts instantly clear t I  be getting any ne ttle co teleper all. Its Susanne.

    I found a letter from you, s you e me eighteen years ago.

    Eigonelessly.

    Yes, seen years ago in August t Susanne¡­

    But  involved eighteen years ago, were we?

    No, says Susanne, at least nothing happened.

    So ter say? Is it embarrassing?

    No, says Susanne, love is embarrassing for you, but not for me.

    hing.

    S to you?

    No, I say, its enougo read it later.

    Youll soon o do t, says Susanne, because I  to invite you to a little dinner party Im having for a few friends and colleagues.

    Do I knooo?

    One or them, says Susanne, for example himmelsbach.

    O old stuffed s.

    You cant call , says Susanne, laugo oo. Sirement  must be a dreadful job.

    Susanne lists o o a kind of internal numbness. I e ters. I cant remember.

    Do you prefer red wine or we? Asks Susanne.

    Red, I say.

    Susanne repeats time and date of times. I e t I dont  to read tter I e een years ago. Noalking about en to  making any noise. taste of tens ty of t t I h himmelsbach.