And I didnt knoe me and all t. alk ten. I just t t if I told to hey could do.
So t moment, of like t t as cetera. But you kno of rainy day box? For example, you t any more, top myself. One day, if Im really fucking up badly, t give up and ask Mum and Dad to bail me out. Anyal rainy day box y no t all time.
So, I did uations. I told my mum to fuck off and I told my dad to fuck off and t, even to be talking to someone elses friends and family afterwards.
And t up to top of tairs, I felt stupid, but it oo late to go back do raig treet and into t on t train t came. No one cer me.
JJ te I sa basement, I felt trollable little flicker of ! to rescue me! t of tting up for a gig tonigero te apartment t sed for ts ment ing and decorating! And… old guy talking to Jess? Could ive? . ter I found out t Lizzie ead and his own graphic design company.
I snapped out of it pretty quick. tement in t t about my future. I could see love t made me feel a little teary, to tell you trutime so t t see me being a to a Starbucks basement because told to come to a Starbucks basement, and neithem had any idea why.
s up, man? said Ed. I doing so good.
Yeaurn up. I ed to say somet t Mica I didnt Ed to get on my case even before alked.
Noturn up ta come home.
I didnt to o go into ty-day t.
Look at you, I said. , of money, and a pair of ill long, it looked kind of date ty.
I never really ed to look like I used to look. I looked like t because I ayed anyw shower.
Lizzie smiled politely. It and your second o see you in tal.
I never pegged you for a quitter, Ed said.
you say. tters Club hQ.
Yea from ? You got nothing, man.
Yup. ts pretty muc feels.
t .
Anyone a coffee? said Lizzie.
I didnt o go.
Ill come h you, I said.
ell all go, said Ed. So , and Lizzie and I kept not talking, and Ed kept talking, and it felt like t couple years of my life, condensed into a line for a latte.
For people like us, rocknroll is like college, said Ed after get to fuck around like frat boys unless a fearts to suck, and tarts to suck, and arts to suck. So you get a job. ts life, man.
So, t s to suck… ts like our college degree. Our graduation.
Exactly.
So o start sucking for Dylan? Or Springsteen? Probably el t doesnt alloo use er until six p.m.
It rue t on our last tour, ayed in a motel like t in Sout I remember t.
Anyeen. Or at least, I sa reunion tour. And, Senator JJ, youre no Springsteen.
thanks, pal.
S, JJ. do you me to say? OK, you are Springsteen. Youre one of t successful performers in music business ory. You ime and Neadiums niger fucking nigter now? Jeez. Grow up, man.
O, and youre all groook pity on you and gave you a job V? Eds ears get red o start throwing punches.
tion is probably of no use to anyone in t from me, because, for obvious reasons, tend to form real deep attacs to people seem to stick around long enougo duck.
Your ears are getting red, I said.
Fuck you.
You fleo tell me t? Fuck you.
Stop it, t say for sure, but I seem to remember t last time togething.
tco say o, and udent, and alked about music a couple times. e Stripes a lot, and Id been trying to get o listen to Muddy aters and t a little.
Listen, I said to Ed. I come . You s go outside.
te Stripes guy. I mean, you kno anyone else o look after our regulars. But… ured at the line behind us.
No, no, I understand, man, I said. thanks.
Ser take long. er hes landed a good one.
Fuck you.
So out on to treet. It , but Eds ears tle torche gloom.
I seen or spoken to Penny since t fondly of I really missed o be prepared for ty t it mig for early retirement and never return to its place of ed of JJ, Maureen and Jess, t it least because to suffice for time being. And yet tys nurses, I felt uncontrollably angry.
t a paradox, if you kno ty of ure. (I believe I line before, and as a consequence it is probably beginning to seem a little less autative and psycute. Next time, I s oo ty and tency, and leave ure out of it.) Jealousy is likely to seize a man at any time, and in any case tall, and young, and tanned, and blond. t rollably angry if anding on of Starbucks, or indeed anywhere in London.
I rospect, almost certainly looking for an excuse to leave ted, I tle about myself in tes. Neiters crayons ructive as Jess might have wished.
to Penny.
Os OK. I doing anyto t might help.
No, I said, immediately at sometage. Not t. tanding ing in front of me. ther words.
teper Matty, and o talk to, so I came over to say hello.
ep him.
I suppose you tty great, I said.
Im sorry? he said.
Martin! said Penny.
You .
I over in ture, tin - a kinder, gentler Martin - cion, and I o rejoin him.
Go a of yourself, said Penny. It says a lot for Pennys generosity of spirit t sill saoance, and t I still ting out of tial observers didnt matter, t moving.
Its easy, being a male nurse, isnt it? Not very, said Stepary mistake of ansion as if it raig bile. I mean, its re… Long ss. Some of tients are difficult. he shrugged.
Some of tients are difficult, I said, in a stupid w ss. Diddums.
Sean, Stepo ner. Im going to upstairs. ttle out of the pram.
You just and listen to esy of listening to you banging on about ional en to me.
I dont taying wes.
tionally bad beed a great deal of fascination, I could see t, and I seem immodest y, or , o tacle: usually, television personalities only beclubs, ies, so my decision to cut loose arbucks basement, as if Stepake it personally, just as aken it personally if Id decided to crap on ations of an inner combustion are never very directed.
I e people like you, I said. You a medal. And , really? At t, I regret to say, I took ttys idea to put my , in order to suggest t puse activity.
Look at Daddy, Mummy, one of my daugo say t I dont knotractive to you again noaring at me as if I ep ansion.
tracted all ttention I could possibly ? Arent I great? You tell you urned out, ty in my professional life readily to ies I ly all stemmed from sleeping t t mucing sympathy.
needed someto finisence. Anyt experienced directly.
Cournament-level c nothing came.
e? Stephen asked.
I nodded, trying someo convey in ture t I oo angry and disgusted to continue. And took tion apparently available to me, and follo of the door.
MAUREEN Jess of everyin… ell, I started to feel a bit annoyed, to tell you t trut seemed rude, trouble to turn up. And Martin y up and doractive. tractive? look attractive at all. o be fair to JJ, aken s - left tin later on I found out t aken tside to
to decide on ted to beat ts probably still rude, but not as rude as thers.
t beood around for a little ins friends and family, and to realize t no one even JJ and e sure o do.
Is t it, do you t to… I dont ic. And I knoook a lot of trouble organizing t, , is to stay, Maureen? Is t? Because obviously, if t do you to ac in absentia? I kneer, in to. I used to dream, a long time ago, ty, and I ts a dream t everyone has. Everyone whose life has gone badly wrong, anyway.
So I told Jesss fat I t Jess just ed people to understand better, and t I w had happened.
Its t told me tory.
ere to her? I said.
to Jen? Or to Jess? to Jen.
I dont really know, he said.
tes, said Mrs Cricrange face.
Sime it afternoon - s of face t looked as t o being c youd get from being angry about stolen earrings, and ight.
S kno kno rue or not. But it felt like t to say. It felt true in t way.
no used to doing, because se to I o say. I dont to listening properly. I liked making ly. I felt like I ing a pato places whe grass was overgrown.
Jen. If shem.
You kno age are like.
God, said Mr Cric of t.
Me neit… t makes so mucs oo. t missing.
I didnt t t ion for t.
And I said at time t I t t take those.
And t t sohan read a book.
I could see and feel o t Jen o t so texas or Scotland or Notting e, rat s meant t t never see, or got a job t t. It meant t in ts. Its ty ers and apes - I for a moment.
You could all for to, rip enormous great big ory, because add up to, really?
Jen could ed to die wearing her earrings.
S not all. And sill gone, . O I knoo keep yourself going. t probably sounds funny, considering place. But t is t so far I myself going, even if I o climb tairs to toppers o do it. Sometimes you just need to give tiny little jiggle.
You just need to t per o t of the world looks like somewhere you could live in for a while.
t kno to look different. Son of it, so you could say t t need any stories about earrings. You could say t stories about earrings ed on them.
You could say all t, but it be true. tories - you could see it in t need stories to keep person is Matty. (And maybe even knoalking to killing yourself. You can let parts of yourself die. Jesss mot c come to life again.
t train t came along off at London Bridge and for a ter, youd I . I mean, t just because t doesnt mean youre t like if youve got a pocket full of pennies it doesnt mean youre ricard, bitc, fuck, ty fast, too fast even for me to make a sentence out of ts not really t, is it?
So I cer for a little o a stall by t some tobacco and papers and matc back to doo roll myself a feo do, sort of t knoo be . I forget, I ts to smoke, me. Youd bet any money t I smoked like fuck, and I dont. Neion: smoke more. Its got to be better for you tower-blocks.
Anyting do turer from college. -scies. eacypograp, and I to a couple of il I got bored. I dont mind ail and . And ed to be our friend, say t about some of them.
to tell tory trut o me. And to be really properly trut some of tal s entirely mental, if you see to be mental, but some of it t because t. It of slopping out of me, as if t of a tap and running into a bucket (my boturning tap off even w was full.
ts looked like from my point of vie looked like I ting on t rolling up fags and so myself, and ts not suc? o me, and t my , and tarted talking to me quietly. And he was like, Jess? Do you remember me?
Id only seen , No, and laugo be a joke, but o teac art college. And I go, Yea my Yea, but it t sort of Yeao tell Id only been joking before, but I only made it look like I t ending to be Colin earing, o do. So tion is going rigs like a supermarket trolley ime Im to pus takes me in tion.
And ting on tell Id some earrings, and go I could if I ed to. I could just get on to Angel and t I didnt to. And , ell, I dont t I urned into like a nutter, so I stood up quickly, whful and walked away.
But to sally. And t t it o be a nutter. Im not saying it life - I dont mean t. I just mean t I in common ting on pavements stes. Some of to e people, and I ed just about everyone. t ty muc. And runs in tion minister, maybe its one of t skips a generation.
And I didnt kno I could see suddenly t I rouble t. I kno sounds stupid, considering Id t about killing myself, but t for a laug , t tting by ternally real? Not many more, he answer.
So to do o go back - to Starbucks, or o some foro retrace your steps.
But t of found a tle ever. I met t and slept ead.
JJ So I just stood told Ed to take a s me if it er.
I dont to you unless you me, he said.
t anding ching us.
o me.
You s the fuck up, said Ed.
I rying to get tarted, said the homeless guy.
You flelantic because JJ rouble, Lizzie said to Ed. And no you. One conversation and you to punch him.
to go to go, said Ed.
Is t like quot;A mans gotta do ta doquot;? Because it sounds utterly meaningless to us, Im afraid, said Lizzie. S t s like s I kne s to s.
doesnt matter sounds like to you. ands.
No I dont, I said. Lizzies rigo puncs a Butching, surely? said Lizzie.
You to sleep you cant, because youre botraight.
tickled tced it, he said.
Neit I got tions. I used to keep toilet, because t for dipping into whe can.
Anying to particular guy at t particular moment. I looked at him.
O born homeless, you know.
I really, really dont to sleep to punc o punc.
You see? said Lizzie. ic, of sado-masoc kiss .
Kiss o Ed. Kiss lets get something going, for Gods sake.
Eds ears couldnt ten any redder, so I burst into flame and turn black. At least t Id seen something new.
You trying to get me killed? I said to her.
you just get back toget least youve got all t mike-s big electric penis substitutes.
Os o be in a band, said Ed. You were jealous.
o be in a band? Lizzie asked him.
Yea t dead deep. S in a band. S interested in being ar and made a sload of money.
Is t ? said Lizzie.
I could suddenly see my life being put back toget errible misunderstanding, o be cleared up, er and many tears. Lizzie never ed to break up ed to break up on to to get my ass kicked, and instead, I o get everyted.
t going to be a fighe homeless guy sadly.
Unless t out of you, said Ed.
Just let me go back inside. I never get tory, stuck out here.
It o be a coming. And it o involve all four of us. t s back togete a song to oasts at t back it.
t , every couple . . too muc is, people splitting up every ten seconds.
Ed looked at me as if I s.
Youre not serious, said Lizzie.
Maybe Id misjudged t. t ready for my big closing speech.
Naaas just… an idea I ironed out all t, yet.
Look at .
gre of other bands? said Ed.
Like, I dont kno back toget ers o split up. theyd be unhappy.
Not all of em, I pointed out.
And second marriages? there are loads of happy second marriages.
trummer ay in band.
And ill be h her, said Lizzie.
Yea have been a bad life.
But s a ogeteen years.
Oone of voice t punch you.
e tle to a pub, and Ed boug a pack of smokes from t it doable for us to s sat t me as if ting for me to catch.
I didnt realize you felt t bad, Ed said after a while.
t a clue? Yeaed to kill yourself. But I didnt kno so bad t you ed to patcs t level of misery, way beyond suicide.
Lizzie tried not to laug produced a ing noise, and I took a long pull on my Guinness.
And suddenly, just for a moment, I felt good. It I really love cold Guinness; it I really love Ed and Lizzie. Or I used to love ted tever. And maybe for t time in t fe dos, or at t, anyo ed to kill myself not because I ed living, but because I loved it. And trutter is, I t a lot of people s in feel. t its all fucked up for ts s find a o life, and being s out of it like t… It just fucking destroys you, man.
So its like an act of despair, not an act of nis a mercy killing, not a murder. I dont kno to me. Maybe because I I fucking love Guinness, like I love pretty muc as it sion. And reet, and even t imes its moments like t, real complicated moments, absorbing moments, t make you realize t even imes make you feel alive. And tato c even read Martin C yet, and… ty out there.
And I dont kno made, this sudden flash.