It like I ed to, you knoe embrace and voo let it go until it let go of me. In a makes t better. Once you stop pretending t everytty and you cant to get out of it, elling myself for a s more painful, not less. telling yourself life is s is like an anestic, and aking tell s, and like t kind of pain does anyone a w of good.
And it e t I t I realized, because it t any more, so I o put all t. I didnt knoo do knoo do t just like life?
I never said anyt finis going to be a rock star, said Lizzie after a you? I s kno. Not once in tory o any kind of misunderstanding, deliberate or otherwise. So far as I was concerned, she was dumping me because I was a musical loser.
So ry again. And Ill listen real ime.
Its not going to make any difference noo admit to standing still, or going backwards.
OK. I said be a musician.
It suco you at time. You dont even like music t much.
Youre not s not just w you did.
Its o be a successful musician. I dont even kno t I could see youd be no use to anyone if you stopped. And look er youre standing on top of a touck . And it youre dead. Or you might as well be.
So… OK. Noto do h being unsuccessful.
God, ake me for? But I talking about alking about me. I never looked at it t t my failure, but t it. And at t moment I felt like crying my fucking out, really. I felt like crying because I kneimes truts you like t. I felt like crying because I o make music again, and Id missed it so muc like crying because I kne making music o make me successful, so Lizzie condemned me to anoty-five years of poverty, rootlessness, despair, no er motels and bad s just t Id be eating t flipping them.
I t forty-eigains drac antiques as I could find. During ty-eig I urning into Marie Prevost, tress er ate of disrepair, due to ially eaten by I ic pet, I can remember being a source of some consolation in tainly die alone, and my corpse ainly be in a state of advanced decay by time anyone found me, but I e, apart from ts t ural causes. So t .
ed in my y is located. (Cindy and ot boty and troubles ed belo, but .) I unities in life, and I astropo me - to me and my time. And yet tool I my disposal to correct trous course my life seemed to be taking o fuck up in t place. chance did I have?
A couple of er Jesss Jerry Springer ses Id made during t t be true to say t Id been so drunk Id forgotten Id ever made t in plain vie it nigo read t compelled to draains and reache Glenmorangie once again.
t of to analyse, o me, ernoon, and to list all possible responses to t beo give my s due - to be fair to ts pundits least capable of recognizing t t just capable of doing very muc it. Are all just mine?
Anyly bills, ty of O NURSE? I ten. And th: ) ARSEhOLE? hIM? ME?
) tING ON PENNY?
) GOOD-LOOKING AND YOUNG-PISSED ME OFF?
) ANNOYED BY PEOPLE.
t explanation, ly precise , noartlingly candid in its vagueness.
On anotION (and please note, by tco letters, a sc to indicate tific nature of the work): a) KILL MYSELF?
b) ASK MAUREEN NOt tO USE t NURSE ANY MORE c) DONt And C stopped to a stupor at t point, or because Dont ion to all my problems. t it: ter t, and never had.
Neitation.
I could see t tten by tly ed to tell a select group of people - a group t included ers - t all male nurses e and self-rig deduction. And similarly, t some of Nerying to oly t of man doo Do list. If t, I would han Carl Lewis.
Quite clearly, I needed ter t. One because t cereal I prefer, and so on; to observe and interpret t, in television . Asking to explain its oless as dilling your oelepelep an engaged signal. Or your own answer message, if you kind of pem.
It took me an embarrassing amount of time to realize t ot any one of tter job of explaining ed ion of friends. I seemed to all mine around time I to prison, but I kney of people ell me of me. In fact, it seemed t my propensity for letting people doing tually serve me in good stead try to t on t because I to me h barrels.
I kneart, too. Indeed, so successful p I didnt really need to speak to anyone else. My ex- - direct, articulate and clear-sigually ended up feeling sorry for people living living o go. even any pleasantries to ries, and unpleasantries are an essential part of the learning process.
home. Drunk.
ened to your messages? No. left you a fes about ternoon.
As exactly ed to talk about. do you t ? ell, youre unbalanced, arent you? Unbalanced and poisonous. An unbalanced, poisonous tosser.
tart, I felt, but it lacked focus.
Listen, I appreciate to appear rude, but tosser part I find less interesting t.
Could you talk more about t? Maybe you so do this, said Cindy.
You mean a t? Sed. A t? No, I t ? I t about t to dismiss anyt of hand.
I dont ts never appealed before.
I aphorically.
Im sorry. I dont really understand.
You clearly feel so a yourself t you dont mind being abused. Isnt t to… Never mind.
I o perceive rue t being called names felt good. Or rat felt appropriate.
You kno poor guy, dont you? No! You see, ts precisely why I called you.
If Cindy opping rigemptation would oo much for her.
Luckily, termined to go all the way.
I mean, een years younger tter-looking. But it t. afternoon th yours.
Yes! Yes! You ponce around on television and screed to c of going from Frankensteins monster to Brad Pitt.
ts great.
Dont you dare put t started. Ive got tuff.
O ts plenty to be going on h.
You see? Ex- one.
MAUREEN I feel a bit daft explaining ervention day, because it all sounds like too muc I t probably only sounds like a coincidence to me. I kno Im learning to feel t of t to say and to say in case you make people feel badly for you. So if I say t not t to make it sound as t ime in a very quiet room and someone comes up beime people, and you see a six-foot-tall policeman, . And if noto be peculiar, almost like an Act of God. tretc of shape.
ep Matty about squas eac. And even t seemed like sometold Matty about t, if been t of course if been to tell. I ep axi.
Id I mean about something?
Once tled, Stepo Sean, anyone else yet? And Sean said, No, and I dont to be able to. And Steps just t slaug s looking out of ttle alking about.
And t quizzes, Maureen? Fancy joining our team? It doesnt matter if you dont knoe.
Nos not t amazing story youve ever ?
I listen to Jess and JJ and Martin, and t sort of to time. t someone in a lift or a bar, and t someone says, ould you like a drink?, or even, ould you like intercourse? And per tercourse, so it could seem to t being offered intercourse, just , is t amazing coincidence. But my impression is t t s just life. One person bumps into anot person s somets somet, things happen.
Or, to put it anot go out, and never meet anyone, t? But for a moment, I could alk. Id ed to take part in a quiz, and team, and I felt a shiver go down my spine.
So instead of going ook Matty to te ep t told t Matty aying turned a o meet in t o get changed.
I dont knoory to tell you about next. t kno it ion, or later on, after Ive told you about te t, pus, you mig care ill cant decide ting somet is never a coincidence. If you a c a c cant be a coincidence, can it? And by token, if you a job and you get a job, t cant be a coincidence eital if you t all. So Ill tell you eam off Archway, and he offered me a job.
Its not muc doesnt pay very ion at first. But ting on a bit, and s to go back to bed at nine, after ed t Steped to join team - as a joke, out of desperation. In betV round and t round, I did, and I told do anyt from look after Matty, and t a job, do you? And a s back up my spine.
e didnt of eleven teams, but te pleased . And I kne t kno tyler Moores boss , for example. I kne Jo Catten about tilly trotter and Mary Ann Ss t , rig be a girlfriend. I told t reliable person to meet.
A couple of mont a girl of course it turned out broter all, and old because turned out t poor. op of t, t t tche life of her dog.
It as good as Im making it sound, to tell you trut soppy. But t Im trying to make is t Im arting to sound like t book, eam. And if Im starting to sound like t to you, to point out things.
Firstly Id like to point out t getting care for Matty costs more t even as ory t ends as really a fairy-story, is it? Secondly Id like to point out t team urn up sometimes, so I be in every week.
I ter lemons in t even let me buy a round; to be paid for.
Maybe it left me feeling so positive, but at t be ing to t for a I could cope for noed to o t for as long as possible. Its going all right so far.
ter t back to t been to any c been to mine for t I could go back no tting topped despairing, … ell, its not my business to t it. It Friday morning, and talian woman where were a couple of African ladies Id never seen before.
t to t it old trut confession, and I confessed to teen Decades of t seemed on teep side, even for t I complain.
Sometimes you can forget t God is infinite in e if Id jumped, mind you, but I .
And t remember t youre part of a community the church, Maureen.
And I said, t I tell sort of community to, t tell they were all despairing sinners.
Do you remember Psalm ? Call upon Me in trouble; I o toppers rouble seemed to ed too long, and s me Martin and JJ and Jess, and t me Step me Jack and ts. In oto me t ening.
ing evidence? So Id better glorify I can.
So t some stage, but old me use it any more, because agree opped you from being o be, and once to me, I could sort of see ony, or Joanna. ell, you ony or Joanna yesterday, and youll be tony or Joanna tomorroo say ts so typical of Joanna. But t people all in one day. old me to call ever came into my first for a drink in a pub and tside. So ely different personalities in t toget of opposite types, arent t from bloke image from bloke in pub. And you cant say, Os so typical of Nodog to let in someones garden. It make sense, ? ss in someones garden, or any dog at all, come to t? And is, dad ty deep, but if you t it makes sense.
And in t same day tle park doray, because asted like one, and Floe of Asoo. You see mucter tern it. I only called er t, and it y, so t one . y, I mean it y to you out of context sort of ts only really dirty if you dont respect t in my opinion y, not us.
So tually, I can see one advantage to tern if someone to call t you? Its only one small advantage, and tages, including t one of all, and dont alloo express ourselves as urn us into one t as Im talking about one name. Nodog s more unusual, and youll kno, and its better t talking about a fucking dog, w.
So Nodog took me back to er to be , of bloke I obviously met a good time. It a normal sort of a place, tation. It a converted s a s didnt sell anyt used to be like an old-fasers, and t covered . Nodogs dog t ockroom once upon a time. Sually quite comfortable, if you can put up of discomfort. You can put your clot your telly up on ter tress on toilets, and er, alt hs or showers.
traigo get it out of t any good, but it I mean, because s didnt really s didnt really of an effort. Anyime around, Nodogs bits oo, and it o do it again. People go on about t time being important, but its time t really matters. Or the second person, anyway.
Look at time, all cut up and sobbing and obsessed. See, if Id been like t a second time, Id o I really didnt care if I sa, so ts got to be progress, rigs muco get on in life.
After le black-and-V on, and ress cever, and tarted to talk, and I ended up telling Jen, and toppers surprised, or sympatic, or anyt. nodded, and trying to top myself. And I be muc it, and , ts not t?
And I it? And to like constantly offer yourself up to to do ed you, ted you, you didnt. So on Ne made perfect sense to me. Because whey were like being guided by invisible forces?
And told me t people o t all, and t t to live, and o bomb countries if tell us to, and if t Fat Mic o listen to t say, No s.
And everytrue t it sort of made me regret t fein o me, sort of, you really describe them as brainy, would you?
Its not like t t it is t t Nodog, because I ervention, and to of.
And I suppose ts talking, too, if you t it.
ed to speak to me. And at first I tea, and sat me do tcable, and t sed to apologize to me about t s, ared at ed out somet ually blindingly obvious, if you t about it. te earrings, and if t couldnt be a coincidence. And at first I couldnt see made, because Jen still around. But made to made care o be nicer to me.
And I eful to Nodog taug alloo see t seeing t kno for example t prove t to live, s could work for op ch.
And noeaco accept it, and not tell upid or pointless.
to ask, s, s who.
May I ask your name? I asked Pacino w made ance.
me, baffled, alt out t just about any question baffled Pacino. oot, so elligence icularly unfortunate. If anyone ever needed tion of c was Pacino.
come from? t names came from anywo as well oes came from.
tor called Pacino.
me.
Is t heard of him? Nope.
So you dont ter him? Dunno.
You never asked? Nope. I dont ask about no ones name.
Right.
in? Yeah.
come from? Yeah.
I gaped at . I a loss. Apart from t it s, just as Pacino ion migold mine iculate w.
See? Its a ion. Dont mean Im t because I cant ans.
No. Of course not.
Otoo.
t a possibility t I felt I could rule out altogeto feel ts of reasons.
Pacino o do so after my conversation er seeing a small advertisement in t stop on to. Its a long road, I accept t, but I Pacino migioned a little furt. If self-respect is in, say, Sydney, and Id begun t ube station, t Pacino ic enougo see t going to get me all t volunteering to sit doupid and unattractive ced several t session, umbled over even t y-odd tube stops before I even got to bloody hrow.
e began ed to read about football, t story of eam-mates sexism to become tain of team. to be fair to Pacino, once ably contemptuous.
So score tc? .
I fear t mighe case, yes.
But s one leg.
Indeed.
Plus shes a girl.
She is, yes.
schen? You may well ask.
Im asking.
You to kno to go up tes and laug team.
Im not sure its a real school.
So its not even a true story? No.
Im not fucking bothen.
Good. Go and ching else.
o t could find not migerest him.
are you interested in, actually? Nuffink, really.
Not all? I quite like fruit. My mum says Im a c-eater.
Rig gives us someto work on.
ty-five minutes of our hour remaining.
So to live a little longer? And to learn. And t of celligent, but disadvantaged by ance, someone uition a o become some kind of ed my o make ture addicted to ure studying Englis Oxford. t of kid I ed, and instead terest ing fruit. I mean, ernational symbol for ts toilets, and o tell elevision.
Per , t. Per value, you liked yourself more tably helping people.
Perter taunt time I s a currency like any ot all in an evening if you so cy-odd years o save up again. I reckoned t Pacino ten pence a own.
t sentence noo rebuild yourself, piece by piece, ruction book, and no clue as to bits are supposed to go.
JJ Lizzie and Ed bougar and a reet; and o buy me a plane ticket home.
I cant go , man.
I o say goodbye, but tube journey alking about someto buy from tall.
t a band together.
I got one here.
he guys.
You ts in Starbucks? I been in a band s before.
erent ever no perverts in my band.
about Dollar Bill? Dollar Bill bass-player. of us, and ors son.
At least Dollar Bill could fucking play. can your buddies do? Its not t kind of band.
Its no kind of band. So, to il t until everyones OK.
Until everyones OK? t girl is deranged. tter off s the only happy ending for you.
about you? t to do s your o be? are you talking about? I to kno of tion. tell me in and Maureen and Jess are all fucked, but you… You got a job V.
? Im going where Im going.
Yeaell me w is.
Fuck you, man.
Im just trying to make a point.
Yea it. I got as good a s at a happy ending as your friends.
t until I get myself? Or you me to do it mean t.
But I did, I guess. yourself in t place, t up on t t. tty mucoucance. Im not trying to say ts , or some bulls like t. Im not telling you t suicidal people arent so far aelling you t people so far a as comforting as I do.
e o ty days, and I guess Martins suicidologist guy kne. things had changed.
t c cically, and maybe hem change.
And in my case any even cter. I could ly say t my circumstances and prospects hey had been on New Years Eve.
You really going t to t.
t? I dont know. Life.
I dont see w.
Really? S, man. You must be t. I mean, and if you jumped. Seriously. No one a e. all ahrowing away?
Not all. te involved.
thanks, man.
Youre tell it like I see it.
talking to eacalked to eac anyts gone just sounded a little meaner telling me t t broken my preferred elling t spent mont, but takes te involved. trick is to see t youre still entitled to your ten anyway.
Busking isnt so bad. OK, its bad, but its not terrible. ell, OK, its terrible, but its not… Ill come back and finis sentence rue anotime. First day out it felt fucking great, because I ar in so long, and second day out ty good, too, because tiness tle, and I could feel stuff coming back, cer t, I guess it felt like busking, and busking felt better than delivering pizzas.
And people do put money on t. I got about ten pounds for playing Losing My Religion to a ussauds, and only a little less from a buncever t day (illiam, It as Really Notate Modern). If I could only kill t job I could o find. Or at least, it job t involved playing guitar on a side, and s up rig to you, and plays exactly t like ter. So I start playing Losing My Religion, and arts playing Losing My Religion, and I stop, because it sounds terrible, and tops, and ts so fucking funny o a different spot, and along doesnt matter is kind of impressive. I t Id ts, doook a pop at er Square, and everyone started booing me, because they all love him.
But I guess everyone t get along on apupidity and futility of your e t not everyone is - to admit t Jerry Lee Pavement is pretty o beat.
MAUREEN e met in te toppers iety. to o ttle t everyt sure about t, but t h me.
I didnt to go up on though.
? said Jess.
Because people kill there, I said.
Der, said Jess.
O on Valentines Day, did you? Martin asked her.
No, I didnt enjoy it, exactly. But, you know.
No, I dont knoin.
Its all part of life, isnt it? People al about unpleasant t;Oting its all part of life.quot; Ill tell you of life: going for a crap. No one ever s to see t, do ts t in a film. Lets go and caking a dump this evening.
us? said Jess. People lock the door.
But youd c.
If t, it of life, it? So, yes, I would.
Martin groaned and rolled o him again.
But t privacy, said JJ. And maybe t privacy whemselves.
So youre saying t on ? said Jess.
Because I dont ts rigonigop someone.
And fit in and it, youre no o suicide you s t decide, said Martin.
ed just been talking about a man a name called Nodog, t killing yourself ly .
I never said anyt any of ts— Im sorry. I alloo interfere.
No, no. e can interfere. Interfering is part of to do is t it, and after t, op someone, the gods have spoken.
And if I in, youre exactly t of person Id use as a mouthpiece.
Are you being dirty? No. Im being complimentary.
Jess looked pleased.
So shall we look for someone? she said.
how do you look for someone? JJ asked her.
tart.
e looked around t after seven, and t many people in yet. In ts, ts looking at a mobile p table nearest t pograp table next to us t notting at there was a middle-aged guy reading a newspaper.
too much laughing, said Jess.
Anyone messages are funny isnt going to kill enougernally.
Ive seen some funny text messages, said Jess.
Yeain. Im not sure t really disproves JJs point.
S up, said Jess. about t we can do.
JJ and Martin looked at eacher and laughed.
t in. So or not? Yeains arent going to go up they?
he looks more, like, deep.
in. In a moment es going to turn up, and teen pints and a curry.
Snob.
Oo be deep to kill yourself? e all do, said JJ. Dont s of Guinness, Jess drank Red Bull and vodka, and I drank o drink a lot noo felt seemed dark , up on t felt as t left some next to tin tohe river.
So, said Jess. Anyone up for going over? No one said anyt a serious question any more, so smiled.
Its gotta be a good t? t ill around? said JJ.
Der, said Jess.
No, said JJ. It a rorical question.
Jess s t o mean.
I mean, I really do to kno to kno know.
Better t ? said Martin.
Yea. I guess.
Its better for your kids, said Jess.
I suppose so, said Martin. Not t I ever see them.
Its better for Matty, said JJ, and I didnt say anyt it really better for Matty at all.
eve all got loved ones, anyin. And our loved ones han dead. On balance.
You reckon? said Jess.
Are you asking me you to live? Yes, Jess, your parents you to live.
Jess made a face, as t believe him.
this before? said JJ. On New Years Eve?
I never t of my parents once.
Because tin. Familys like, I dont knoy. Stronger at some times thers.
Yup. ts gravity for you. ts our feet.
tides, t notice ts… ell, anyway. You know w I mean.
If some guy came up onig ell him? said JJ.
Id tell ty days, said Jess. Cos its true, isnt it? Yeas true t none of us feel like killing ourselves tonig like… If o us, So tell me to you since you decided not to go over t ell ell my job in ts, I said. And the quiz.
t t. Jess t about saying somet JJ caught her eye, and she changed her mind.
Yeaer a little w Im f— busking, man. Sorry, Maureen.
And Im failing to cin.
Dont be so loads of different tions it all.
Sorry, Maureen, said JJ.
Yes, excuse me, Maureen.
I didnt knoy days ago, said Jess.
Ain. Nodog. t any of us can boast of. Maureens quiz team excepted, of course.
I didnt remind ts. I knos not muc it mig in a bit.
Lets tell our suicidal friend about Nodog. quot;O a man ime.quot; tll cheer him up.
ts not aking t did you to bring all to out, and now everyones all f— depressed.
Yea wondering, you know. ill here.
tin. t.
In tance s on t big whe London Eye.
e dont o decide right now, anyway, do we? said JJ.
Course , said Martin.
So anot tually going round? said Martin. I cant tell. e stared at it for a long time, trying to out. Martin look as t it must have been, I suppose.
ACKNOLEDGMENtS to: tony Lacey, endy Carlton, ersen, Joanna Prior, Zelda turner, Eli z, Mary Cranitcon.