After I dismissed e, it ill barely time for my quot;five oclockquot;. tfully foreing my music, noation e luncold need it, s me obliquely, along ood at once t one of my principal functions as celaine o provide aff. But, all ted myself and said I until dinner-time, alto tary meal. to tell I o ion, still t of a sc. A foe Cmas urkey? No; I s of it, folloree at all. But surprise me for dessert ed all do sniffed; Id sastes! C I , now. . . w shall I do, now?
I could a runks t contained my trousseau but t already, tailor-mades s on as if all te objects ating to mock me. I did not like to linger in my overcroed bedroom. ime?
I sake a bataps tle dolpurquoise for eyes. And tank of goldfis of moving fronds of , as I me. o c uner . . . but I kneures of friendso taff.
I o defer t I so look foro in te of time I foresaer my dinner , at a quarter before seven, ain myself no longer. I teleponising into tears when I heard her voice.
No, notter. Motaps.
I said, gold bataps!
No; I suppose ts noto cry about, Mother.
t ulations, ions, I tle comforted, he receiver down.
Yet till remained one of t of the evening.
t tal so t t cold to touc , as my o a trap for o terior doors of te and tress and , I felt tion of the explorer.
Ligs!
At touccly illuminated. I ran crazily about tle, sc I could find -- I ordered ts to ligers, too, so tle s life, and everybody on s it. as brigimidated me, for I ermined, noo searcrue nature.
, evidently.
A mater and a bank of telep contained tly among to find out o a jinns treasure -- parures, bracelets, rings. . . ered before I spoke; a subtle discourtesy. I o my it. S superciliously; did madame plan to dress for dinner?
So , s imagine -- to dress up in one of my Poiret extravaganzas, urban and aigrette on my o to sit do t massive board at o s. . . I greed tions of an officers daug dress for dinner. Furt self. S tell to cancel tory feast Id ordered. Could t?
Mais oui, madame.
I kneonation I t I did not care; I t I find amongst ttering stones; as soon as sematic searche drawers of his desk.
All a random doodle on an old envelope, nor tograpailors, t-doux from international financiers. Noto impress me strangely; t, I t, be a great deal to conceal if akes suco .
o tyard, as ted to turn o keep a clear ed a small businessman in Amsterdam or -- I noticed aste -- engage in some business in Laos t must, from certain cryptic references to eur botanists ento do rico do crime? Or self ? And yet I sae his zeal for secrecy.
Noing every last letter back races of my visit, by some ctle dra uck fast, I must ouc dra draself; and t draained -- at last! -- a file marked: Personal.
I for my reflection in tained window.
I ion t , pressed flat as a floisue paper, lay in t hin one.
I could found t touc note, on a paper napkin marked La Coupole, t began: quot;My darling, I cannot for t ; t ristan, tod, ic ;Until. . .quot; scra. But trangest of all tters card ains, a grave; ttle scene, executed ioned: quot;typical transylvanian Scene -- Midnig; And, on t;On to t of Dracula -- alainty t one is doing evil. toutes amities, C.quot;
A joke. A joke in t possible taste; for been married to a Romanian countess? And tty, ty face, and recent predecessor in tle sopicated.
I put a to s least, reveal any good reason for it. But I ed to knoill more; and as I closed t, to discover more fell in my way.
Fell, indeed; and ter of a dropped canteen of cutlery, for, as I turned trived, someo open up tself, so t all tumbled loose on t key I picked out of t pile une , to t o feel himself once more a bachelor.
I made my decision to explore it before I felt a faint resurgence of my ill-defined fear of illness. Per I miging to see if indeed I a moving figure of o Neic, self-sustaining carapace of orm of orgasm, occupied e business in tudy at t of t to, if t ive t I soo deluded by taste for me to t truly offend him.
I took t there.
It e and tle , as far as it could go from t ocean floated, like a garland of lig, all still, but for the waves.
I felt no fear, no intimation of dread. Now I walked as firmly as I hers house.
Not a narroy little passage at all; an ill-lit one, certainly; tricity, for some reason did not extend reated to till-room and found a bundle of apers in a cupboard, stored tco lig grand dinners. I put a matco my little taper and advanced in my ent along tian, tapestries. t of a in ed ed some grisly myt. t imperceptible ramp to ted floor. tsteps, even my breat gre sprang out in beads on my brow. I could no longer he sea.
A long, a le; and to a door of en oak, loopped, barred h black iron.
And still I felt no fear, no raising of thumbs.
to t knife into butter.
No fear; but ation, a ual breath.
If I found some traces of in a file marked: Personal, pererranean privacy, I migtle of y of sucs possible strangeness, t kept me for a moment motionless, before in tly tainted innocence I turned the door creaked slowly back.
quot;triking resemblance bet of love and trations of a torturer,quot; opined my e poet; I ure of t similarity on my marriage bed. And noaper slines of a rack. t yrdoms of ts, in my old nurses little store of one glimpse of it before my little flame caved in and I in absolute darkness -- a metal figure, to be spiked at to he Iron Maiden.
Absolute darkness. And, about me, truments of mutilation.
Until t moment, t knolao tasy to kno. I fumbled for tc; ion and some dark nigion.
tark torture cing . At t antiquity, Etruscan, perands, t burning atuary and I consoled, t persuaded myself t I migumbled only upon a little museum of y, t alled trous items emplation.
Yet at tre of tafalque, a doomed, ominous bier of Renaissance its foot, an armful of to-afalque and its occupant more closely; yet I kne.
Eacime I struck a matco lig seemed a garment of t innocence of mine for wed fell away from me.
te naked, under a t of very rare and precious linen, sucaly used to soucly, on te breast; s I could see t of ranglers fingers. te, closed eyelids. t the dead lips smiled.
Beyond tafalque, in te nacreous glimmer; as my eyes accustomed to t last -- o a skull; yes, a skull, so utterly denuded, no scarcely seemed possible tark bone ered rung up by a system of unseen cords, so t it appeared to ill, e roses, and a veil of lace, the final image of his bride.
Yet till so beautiful, s s ed above it, t I recognised I sa. One false step, o in ted sisterep and into tumbled. And dead, tess o on a spool of inexorability. But, at first, I could see no sign of mosp by my presence -- tal sted a gly t rying to clamber out, t of my rising eria, I kneo find a here.
itrembling fingers, I prised open t of t coffin, s sculpted face caugus of pain. till dropped into t by one but by a ly been all time ed me, in t of Paris?
I closed tly and burst into a tumult of sobbing t contained boty for ims and also a dreadful anguiso knooo, hem.
t from a door to else flas, as if to tell me t t, e, .
I retained sufficient presence of mind to snuff out to gataper, to look around, alto ensure I beraces of my visit.
I retrieved t in my o keep my he door behind me.
It craso ion, like the door of hell.
I could not take refuge in my bedroom, for t retained trapped in t place, alt ture of Saint Cecilia dread; umult; sc jostled ide receded from t, running, stumbling; I did not trust t take any of tly maids into my confidence, eitures, all. Once at tly on the gendarmerie.
But -- could I trust t for eiguries, from tle lantic. Mig tes, even turning a common blind eye to be obeyed? ant coast, e-faced girl from Paris ale of blood, of fear, of tely kno to be true. But me carry it no further.
Assistance. My moto telephe line, of course, was dead.
Dead as his wives.
A t by any star, still glazed to keep tside, yet it seemed still to encroaco be present beside me but as if masked by my lig like a permeable substance t could seep into my skin. I looked at ttle clock made from ically innocent flo descended to te slaugime oo; it rap me, t until o me, like a black sun on a hopeless morning.
And yet time migill be my friend; at t very sail for New York.
to kno, in a fes, my France calmed my agitation a little. My reason told me I o fear; tide t ake o t me out of t of tle. Surely I could easily evade ts. Anybody can buy a ticket at tation. Yet I ill filled my oicular magic mig I could create a pentacle out of music t not also give me to free myself from him?
Meco play but my fingers iff and s first, I could manage notter t simply t of playing sootionality of its sublime matics, I searcil I found tempered Clavier. I set myself tic task of playing all Bacions, every one, and, I told myself, if I played t a single mistake -- the morning would find me once more a virgin.
Crasick.
else! Sly, cunning, urned; ing for me outside the door!
I rose to my feet; fear gave me strengtly.
quot;Come in!quot; My voice astoniss firmness, its clarity.
t t t, stooping figure of tuner, and errified of me ter ure c seemed to me t I s ation, tened and tle almost in s.
quot;Forgive me,quot; said Jean-Yves. quot;I kno I sside your door at midnig I , up and do t of t touition told me you could not sleep and mig your piano. And I could not resist t. Besides, I stumbled over t;
And side my ook to stoool as if to ect me. Still ood smiling at me. o make everyday conversation.
quot;Its perfect,quot; I said. quot;tly in tune.quot; But y of embarrassment, as t thoroughly.
quot;ernoon, I t Id never oucecreat for me, to uoso! So I crept up to your door nole dog mig my ear to tened, and listened -- until my stick fell to tary clumsiness of mine, and I ;
touching ingenuous smile.
quot;Perfectly in tune,quot; I repeated. to my surprise, no say anyt: quot;In tune. . . perfect. . . in tune,quot; over and over again. I sao me very piercingly, someer tion of t bloody c made me faint.
uners arms and ucking tin cusool under my head.
quot;You are in some great distress,quot; ;No bride s;
ryside, tides.
quot;Any bride brougo tle s and a coffin ; I said.
quot;s t;
It oo late to keep silent; and if oo, least o me. So I told erdiction, my disobedience, the blood.
quot;I can scarcely believe it,quot; ;t man. . . so ric;
quot;; I said and tumbled tal key out of my o the silken rug.
quot;O; ;I can smell t;
ook my me. Alt a great strengto me from ouch.
quot;e ales up and do,quot; ;to young girls on ted t from of to tte, e ;
But, in tic times, my travel as far as Paris to do ing in t I shuddered.
quot;O all tales, ctering of fools, spooks to scare bad co good be ranger, t tle of Murder?quot;
t, in my , Id als lord h of me.
quot;; said my friend suddenly. quot;t must be near morning. tide is going do;
oones gleamed ly in t of t and, unimaginable ensity of ransmit to you, I saance, still far a dra by moment inexorably nearer, tunnels ting mist.
My urned; time, it was no fancy.
quot;t; said Jean-Yves. quot;It must go back on t;
But till caked blood and I ran to my bat under t tap. Crimson er s, as if tself oken stuck. turquoise eyes of taps me derisively; too clever for me! I scrubbed tain still it budge. I t ly toyard gate; tain.
teers dro over into s. . . sloer as slowly as you can. . .
And still tain mocked ter t spilled from the leering dolphin.
quot;You ime,quot; said Jean-Yves. quot;. I must stay ;
quot;You s!quot; I said. quot;Go back to your room, no;
ated. I put teel in my voice, for I kne meet my lord alone.
quot;Leave me!quot;
As soon as to my bedroom. ty; Jean-Yves , my ered tle. I pulled tains close, stripped off my clotains around me as a pungent aroma of Russian leather assured me my husband was once again beside me.
quot;Dearest!quot;
it treacenderness, ion.
quot;Da Silva of Rio outted me,quot; ;My Ne telegraped journey. So errupted pleasures, my love.quot;
I did not believe one . I kneo boug I sricked into my orayal to t illimitable darkness sy of came to life only in ts orocities, I must pay t of Pandoras box; but learn t. I iny as oppressive and omnipotent as destiny at t as tim loses to tioner.
, beneat. I strained my nerves yet could not flinc timate touc made me t lovers in t. ance ite did not diminisongue ran over red lips already . Silent, mysterious, o draccoat and laid it on table, like a good bourgeois; scooped out tling loose c play of patting s officiously, puzzled lips pursed, searc urns to me ly, a triump smile.
quot;But of course! I gave to you!quot;
quot;Your keys? a moment -- you at t;
Brusquely ique lace on the bed.
quot;Go and get t;
quot;No? Cant it until morning, my darling?quot;
I forced myself to be seductive, I sa as a plant t begs to be trampled underfoot, a dozen vulnerable appealing girls reflected in as many mirrors, and I sao resist me. If o me in bed, I would rangled hen.
But ;No. It . No;
t of da vile place? And t but to go and fetcool and pray examine too closely, pray to God be struck blind.
o t jangled at every step like a curious musical instrument, ting on te ssleeves, seemed to me he was in despair.
Strange. In spite of my fear of made me te from t moment, a stence despair, rank and gly, as if t surrounded once begun to fester, or t ing to ts of flayed of y of ed a tremendous pressure on t tated to ttom of t pounded against the shore.
I t, bet, me tered eyes as t recognise me, I felt a terrified pity for range, secret places t, if I loved o follow o die.
trocious loneliness of t monster!
t in raction. I saement. tretc for ters in tle; t turned toained a sombre delirium t seemed to me compounded of a gly, yes, s also of a terrible, guilty joy as ained tell-tale stain self into a mark t on a playing card. it for a wary, brooding.
quot;It is t leads to t; timbre of certain great cat seem, restrain a sob.
quot;Otle love of music,quot; as if grieving. quot;My little love, youll never know e daylig;
t;Kneel!quot;
I knelt before ly to my fore t. I felt a faint tingling of tarily glanced at myself in t-sain ransferred itself to my foreo te mark of a Bra been cut. back on tting t same, heavy sigh as he had done when I said I would marry him.
quot;My virgin of tyrdom.quot;
quot; form s take?quot; I said.
quot;Decapitation,quot; voluptuously. quot;Go and bat on t o ristan and t prefigures your end. And I sake myself off to to s-grandfat;
quot;ts?quot;
quot;e se privacy for our last rites; I of to t;
It of morning; terminate, ter look, a gloomy day on rouping every maid and scullion, every potboy and pan-scourer, valet, laundress and vassal , a ferudged along basket in or for t last of all, at a stately pace, as tège and to the mainland for burial.
But I kneon eart, faite.
quot;I o celebrate our ; he said. And smiled.
ared at test servant the preceding morning.
quot;Go, noratory ritual and ter t, t in til I telep; And arted, recalling t;One may call inside tle just as muc outside -- never.quot;
I scrubbed my fore t go ater until I died, t be long. t to my dressing room and put on te muslin s, costume of a victim of an auto-da-fe, me to listen to tod in. t tless s surrounded me exrumpets of th.
On table, coiled like a snake about to strike, lay the ruby choker.
Already almost lifeless, cold at , I descended taircase to t t been abandoned.
quot;I can be of some comfort to you,quot; t;t of muc;
e pusool in front of t, for as long as I could, I o smell t, reconciling smell of t, in time, e, little crotted along tide, fated as I, came tumbling in, ts splasones.
quot;You do not deserve t; he said.
quot; I deserve or no?quot; I said. quot;Ive done not t may be sufficient reason for condemning me.quot;
quot;You disobeyed ; ;t is sufficient reason for o punis;
quot;I only did w ;
quot;Like Eve,quot; he said.
telepive. Let it ring. But my lover lifted me up and set me on my feet; I must ans. t h.
quot;tyard. Immediately.quot;
My lover kissed me, ook my of courage, I t of my mothen I saw a muscle in my lovers face quiver.
quot;s!quot; he said.
I cast one last, desperate glance from t a vertiginous speed along tlocks. A rider, s tucked up around so s, a crazy, magnificent horsewoman in widows weeds.
As telephone rang again.
quot;Am I to all morning?quot;
Every moment, my mother drew nearer.
quot;Soo late,quot;Jean-Yves said and yet restrain a note of , t must be so, yet it mig be so.
transigent call.
quot;So o fetc Cecilia? You ing t;
So I must go to tyard rousers and t from turnbull and Asser, beside ting block, -grandfated to ttle corporal, in token of surrender to t November morning, sal.
;Let t does even a youtted as you truly blind to ook my ring? Give it me back, w;
t from my finger and, even in t dolorous place, my lovingly and lodged it on tip of her.
quot;It ; ;to ter, utilising a less exalted instrument tion, for do not fear t in deat;
Slo before tion, time it gave to descend. . .
quot;Dont loiter, girl! Do you tite for t serving it? No; I s, more cruel. . . Run to me, run! I e corpse in my display of fles;
brigs from t, but still I lingered altly raised, noo flag. If s umbled on to t my lover see me die.
My one and, as ed my o a rope and dre away from my neck.
quot;Sucty neck,quot; seemd to be a genuine, retrospective tenderness. quot;A neck like tem of a young plant.quot;
I felt tle of touc retain only my gems; t fell from me. A little green moss, groing block, the world.
t heavy sword.
And -- a great battering and pounding at te, ttered in an instant. t descend, t sever, my roll. For, for an instant, t split second of astoniso let me spring uprig to tance of my lover as ruggled sig bolts t kept .
tood transfixed, utterly dazed, at a loss. It must cristan for teentime and tristan stirred, t from act, announced in a jaunty aria interposed from Verdi t bygones milk did nobody any good and, as for o live er. t master, open-moutent at t, sauals ime began and start to live for t, nesses t of his pawns.
You never sa to sea so t e mane, o ts tucked round , one sea, like tnesses of a furious justice. And my ood stock-still, as if sill raised over ableaux of Bluebeard t you see in glass cases at fairs.
And t ime into t and set all in motion. t aloud, braying ter of deathree.
On eenting tiger t a moments ation, sook aim and put a single, irreproac through my husbands head.
e lead a quiet life, ted, of course, enormous ao various cies. tle is no ed by any sad gs looking for, crying for, turn to tents of whe door sealed.
I felt I to retain sufficient funds to start a little music scskirts of Paris, and o go to to sit in a box, of course e kno trut and mere cter can never s? -- ternal telepat sent my motelepo tation after I nigion. Not waps?
t train, taken; s find a taxi at t, sernal urgency told s reacide sealed me a ? interrupt milord on er. Saken so muc pleasure in t t tle girl seventeen in t dubious circumstances and busily engaged in setting up uner. Poor tate of disillusion! But I do believe my mother loves him as much as I do.
No paint nor poter e, can mask t red mark on my fore see it -- not for fear of -- but, because it spares my shame.